Uncategorized

oh no

I’m going to college.

Damn it.

None of this stuff felt final until today.

I’m so, so painfully terrified.

For much of my life I’ve never really thought about my future in too straight forward of terms because honestly, I thought I’d kill myself before anything important is meant to happen. Now I’m at a mental state where suicide isn’t a frequent thought, so everything seems very important.

Now I care about things like my credit score and the prospect of having children, and I’m freaking the hell out.

In the semester I’ve taken off before I eventually enter college in January, I’ve felt a combination of weight lifted off of my shoulders and a deep sense of impending doom.

The weight lifted from my shoulders is mainly caused by:

  • fewer negative social interactions
  • a lower incidence of me being in competitive situations
  • forcing myself to imagine a future in which I’m happy (a very hard task)
  • taking better care of myself (because I have the time to)

The impending sense of doom arises because:

  • It feels like I’m gonna have to go to college if I don’t want to disappoint everyone in my life.
  • I don’t want to go to college even the slightest bit.
  • I’m very good at creating apocalypse like scenarios in my mind.
  • I feel like I’m a decade behind where I should be in life by now.
  • I feel as though all passion I have for the things in life I enjoy is lessening by the day.

So where does that leave me?

Crying at my desk while typing out a blog post that’s gonna make my family mad.

It feels like it’s not safe for me to tell anyone how I feel because everyone dismisses my feelings whenever I talk about them so I’m left yelling into the void.

I should have never applied to college.

I know I won’t be able to handle being labeled a college drop out so I’m gonna have to finish this and that’s gonna leave me more than 50,000 dollars in debt most likely.

It feels like I spend more than 3 hours a day fantasizing about a hypothetical future where I’m happy and every day it feels less and less likely that that future will never come.

I have such big dreams and they’re never gonna come true.

It feels so crushing to see my future self as a failure when it really shouldn’t because I’ve failed at everything I’ve tried so far in life, so it probably wont be a new feeling.

ugh.

I’m not talented enough to make anything of myself in entertainment, I’m not smart enough to do smart people stuff, I’m not subservient enough to do office type work, I’m not pretty enough to get a sugar daddy, I’m not friendly enough to have a rich friend.

I can’t do anything so why try?

And you know what sucks the most?

The responses to this that I envision getting.

Whatever, if you can’t handle me venting about how my dreams are in shambles, you probably won’t be able to watch me fail as bad as I inevitably will.

I feel guilty about feeling as terrible as I do because things could be worse. I could be starving, I could be locked in a basement, I could’ve been murdered when I was 14. But that doesn’t change how I feel.

And how I feel is awful.

I’ll probably end up writing something similar to this for the next few blog posts so I’ll end this one here.

Thanks for reading.

Sorry I’m a downer.

Advertisements
lifestyle

Life Update: November 12th, 2018

I really need to stop trying to write posts soon before I need to leave for work.

Ok, so life update.

I haven’t really given much information about how things are going for me as of late so I feel a need to update everyone on what’s up.

The thing that most people would probably think is the biggest deal is likely that I got my college acceptance letter.

I’m gonna start college in mid-January.

I’m freaked out!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve been doing some of the college prep stuff in my free time; you know: setting up my student ID, emailing people who told me to email them, planning for which orientation I want to go to, trying to get approved for a student credit card, etc.

In a related note, I started another journal (I know I have too many, I just can’t stop). This one I have dubbed my Lifestyle Journal. I basically have been using it to note my information I need for college stuff, planning daily schedules, writing motivational stuff so I can remember to put in effort, brainstorming steps to reach goals, and other stuff.

I have 40 minutes till I need to be clocked in at work. Ugh.

Peanut’s doing OK. She got a hip reduction procedure recently and I hope it’s going to take. I’m so scared that her hip will come back out. I’m trying to keep her drugged up and minimize the amount of physical exertion she partakes in.

I really like my bangs if you wanted a bangs update.

I’ll do an ED update soon but basically I’ve had really strong urges lately.

I haven’t been my productive self as of late. I’ve been in a pretty depressive state (could you tell by my lack of activity?) and I’m trying to pull myself out of it. I’m hoping this dark cloud on m life will clear up by December.

Oh! Speaking of December, I’ve been doing research on driver’s ed and I’m hoping to do my drivers ed stuff throughout December.

Well, I need to start leaving so I’m gonna finish of this entry.

Thanks for reading!

Uncategorized

Rebounding From My Prior Failure

*audible sigh*

Sorry.

I was so excited for this month. I wanted to do so well and I had so many great plans, but here I am.

Behind.

As usual.

So, I’m gonna try to fix this grave failure on my part.

I don’t really know how I’ll go about doing that, but I know that I plan on reaching all of my goals that I haven’t already failed at.

That’s scary for me.

I have to really do a good rebound back into normal life and my attempts at being exceptional in order to make up for my losses in so far.

Ok.

Let’s start out by writing this blog post.

I haven’t blogged in a few days and it’s pretty upsetting.

I’m a creature of habit so as a general rule, if I give myself a day to wallow in bed and do next to nothing I tend to turn that day into a week. I’m pretty prone to getting far too comfortable with defeat. I have a very obvious defeatist mindset, and it doesn’t tend to lend to things working out in my favor.

I guess since I haven’t done so great at working toward some of my more tangible goals this month, I’ll come up with a new goal.

This goal is: be less of a defeatist.

So I’m gonna try to manifest this by doing things even when a loud part of me tells me it’s not worth it. My inner voice often will yell at me that if I can’t get x reward from my effort, I might as well not even try to work toward anything. We’re gonna yell back this month I suppose.

The weird thing about blogging is that I find, when I don’t blog for a while I get worse at blogging. I guess it’s like exercising where if you go for a while without exercising you get far more sore upon going back to working out.

These past roughly 2 weeks have been pretty stifling. *By stifling I of course mean that I stifled my own progress. I haven’t been quite as focused on my studies, my online presence, or my personal progression (i.e stretching, working on my vocals). I have written in my goals journal, however, that balance will be my focus from here on.

  • I’m gonna try to schedule my days in advance upon learning my obligations (for example work hours and errands)
  • I’m gonna try to journal and track my lifestyle more than I have for the past few weeks.
  • I’m gonna complete every task on my daily to-do list every day for the rest of this month.
  • I’m gonna visualize my future with every action I take, because I know that what I do will help me reach my dreams.
  • I’m gonna force myself up when I’m down
  • I can’t think of anything else

Well… We’ll see how this works out.

Thanks for reading.

Uncategorized

Please Help Peanut

I never thought I’d have to beg for money on the internet, but Peanut needs this.

Peanut really needs surgery on her hip and neither my mother nor I have the funds to help her.

If you can donate even 1 dollar to help her, that would mean the world to me.

Thank you so much for even looking at this post!

Here’s the link to the gofundme: https://www.gofundme.com/6zfra-save-my-dog&rcid=r01-154160765833-7fc9fc3ffda54e62&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_w

Uncategorized

Peanut’s Tough Day

Peanut had a tough day today.

Last night, she was attacked by Maddie. After prying Maddie off of her, she screamed for what felt like a minute straight and for the rest of the night, every time she walked or tried to move she would scream, cry, and whimper.

img_4918

When my mom got home, she saw the state of Peanut’s leg and made the decision to take her to an emergency vet.

We spent about 5 hours there waiting, debating prices and treatment, and figuring out payment.

Peanut’s hip is dislocated.

img_4923

She’ll probably need surgery some time soon.

We got her some anti-inflammatory and pain meds, so she shouldn’t be hurting too too bad.

img_4925

We’re gonna fix her.

Uncategorized

I Miss Homestuck

*sigh*

I have to work once more.

I need to start getting ready in about 15 minutes so hopefully I should be able to get out a decent post in that time.

Last night my mom and I went to the movie theater. We saw 3 movies. I don’t wanna make this post a movie review though so I won’t tell you too much about the ones we saw.

Something I’ve been thinking about quite a bit today is homestuck. I miss it.

If you somehow haven’t heard of homestuck, it’s a webcomic that I absolutely LOVED when I was a youth (I’m still a youth but you know what I mean).

I thought of homestuck again because I had a song in my mind and couldn’t place it until I realized it was from Cascade, a flash animation from the series. I also realized that cascade is 7 years old now………. Now I wanna read through homestuck again.

I think it would take me about 10 days to get through it again if I really put a lot of effort into reading.

I kinda miss when homestuck was big.

I remember how much fun I would have at conventions hanging out with people who also loved the comic and I really have fond memories of that time.

I don’t know what else to say about it though.

I just wanna put my appreciation of homestuck out into the ether.

*p.s if Andrew Hussie ever decides to make a homestuck movie, please tell him to consider me for a role*

Uncategorized

Ok, I failed already.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you’ve read my earlier posts you may be wondering why my first November post comes on November 2nd after I said I’d post daily in November.

Well, I wrote a post early in the morning yesterday and I thought I put it up but turns out I deleted it.

So here we are on the second day of the month and I’ve already failed at my November goal.

Ugh.

We’re gonna push on though and I’ll consider November a success if I post every other day though. We’ll just act like the 1st didn’t happen.

I’m gonna write a second post about things that are actually relevant in my life a little later, just wanted to let you know about my failure.

Uncategorized

Just Livin, Baby

What am I doing today?

Read the title.

It’s halloween and I don’t have a costume, but I don’t really have anywhere to wear a costume so it’s fine.

I feel a little sad about it because I love to wear costumes though.

I can wear a costume any day though, it’s not illegal.


I honestly don’t know what I’ve discussed on here in the past few days so I may reiterate something I’ve said before.

I got scheduled like double my normal hours at work this week, so that’s something happening in my life. Today is my day off.

Lately it’s felt like my body clock has been resetting. I’ve been going to bed a lot later than normal and having a tough time waking up as a result of that. I’m normally quite proud of being an early to bed early to rise person but as of late I’ve gone to bed at like midnight.

That’s crazy.

I normally go to bed at like 9.

I’m gonna try to retransition my sleeping schedule so I can start going to bed earlier again.

I hate waking up late. It feels like I missed something.


Ok, now I have to discuss something that has taken over my day.

However you think this is gonna go, you’re probably wrong.

I watched a video of a baby dying today.

Essentially the video showed a recently born baby in the NICU attached to a lot of machinery and his family around him watching him die.

The thing about the video and the reason it’s going around twitter is that the baby waves and then holds his moms hand before he dies.

Sad right?

Well I’ve been laughing all day because of it.

No, I don’t think an infant dying is funny.

At the beginning of the video, you can hear a family member say “He really ain’t got no neck.” (This was clarified by the original poster of the video that that was to break the ice in the tense room.)

 

I thought that was the funniest thing I’ve heard in a while.

Imagine.

You’re in the NICU. A family members newborn son is dying in front of you. The room is tense. You need to make this moment better for everyone in the room.

And what comes to mind to break the ice?

 

“He really ain’t got no neck”

Imagine that being the last thing you hear!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

So now whenever I see anything bad happening to someone, I say “He really ain’t got no neck.”

It hasn’t gotten old and I’ve said it like 50 times today.

Just wanted to share that with the whole internet.

Thanks for reading.

Uncategorized

I Voted!

I voted for the first time today!

I really wanted tot take a picture of myself with an I voted sticker but they ran out of them!

I really wanted that sticker 😦

But I’m super happy to have participated in the voting process.

I don’t have much else to talk about today aside from that…

I worked…

I’m gonna stream on Twitch at 7:30 ish tonight so if you wanna join my stream here’s my link: https://www.twitch.tv/dearmikah