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Don’t Stalk Me ♡

Well I’m anxious.

Last night I watched a video from a guy named Quinton Reviews about being a youtuber and starting a channel and stuff like that and one thing he said kinda got to me.

He said that when you’re starting a channel you need to be very private about yourself i.e not posting landmarks in your area and not talking about where you’re from. He said he doesn’t love that people use his online username when they see him in real life and he’s afraid of being stalked now that his audience is big.

I guess since I’m an attention seeker I don’t hate the idea of somebody recognizing me in a grocery store (once I’m a person that matters), but I don’t love the idea of being stalked.

I like to imagine that people don’t have a good idea of where I’m from because I don’t really share stuff like what school I went to or even the city I live in but still I’m very aware of how easy it is to figure out where somebody is from via looking at their IRL friends info or tracking their IP address.

Do you remember the cicada 3301 conspiracy scavenger hunt thing?

I remember listening to the audio tracks when people leaked them to the public.

But the reason I mention it is because a bit of the hunt involved tracking IP addresses.

It’s weird to think about the percentage of technologically illiterate people in comparison to people who can fully figure out what somebody else is about.

But to my comfort, the majority of people who use the internet are technologically illiterate and also likely don’t care about me enough to track me down and shoot through my windows like that dude did to that twitch streamer.

Part of this post came to mind as I was taking pictures of a rainbow and a sign showing the miles to a city near mine was obstructing my view.

I did eventually get a non-city-disclosing photo thought and I think you guys should see it.

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So if you’re a person who’s super interested in me and you have the urge to stalk me, maybe don’t. I’m very nice and if you comment or reach out to me I’m very likely to respond, so you won’t have to track me down to have a nice conversation with me. ♡

While you’re here, you might as well follow my blog! I post daily and sometimes the posts are good! ♡

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A Look at 13 Year Old Me

I found an old SD card from when I was in 8th grade recently.

I only got the courage to look at the files on it today and wow…

I was annoying.

I’m not going to pretend that I’m a completely non-annoying person nowadays because I honestly annoy myself sometimes but whew!

I feel bad for everyone that spent time around me at that age.

I guess since I love embarassing myself, I’ll show you some of the astounding photos I took in 2013 (photos and videos with others in them are excluded but trust me those photos are awful too).

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I thought taking blurry photos was the height of comedy (i still kinda do)
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take note of the deep side part
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does every girl have a colored mascara phase?
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I really wasn’t as ugly as I thought I was
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This was my instagram profile photo for over a year.
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I think N.O from BTS is playing on the laptop in the background… (I still like that song)
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and in this one Voodoo Doll from VIXX is on in the background (no regrets, still holds up)
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This was the first photo I ever uploaded to tumblr… Don’t try to find it on there, I deleted that blog

I think someday I’m gonna look back at the way I am now and feel the same gut wrenching horror that I feel when I look through this SD card today, but that’s not gonna stop me from being me for now.

It kinda makes me uncomfortable to see the similarities between 13 year old me and 18 year old me (i.e an undying love of eyeliner and a habit of taking a lot of pictures of myself).

It also makes me sad to be reminded of my mental state during this phase. I remember always feeling like I was reaching for something that I could never grasp. I still feel that way really often. At this age and throughout high school, I felt like I was constantly getting close to getting the approval that I so desperately craved, but it would never come in full. I was the understudy. I was in the background. I was around in case something bad happened to the people that mattered.

I don’t think these feelings of inadequacy will ever go away but at least my braces did.

So thanks for walking down this horrible, unpaved memory lane with me. I hope my braces didn’t gross you out.

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Women Can Date Who They Want, I Shouldn’t Have To Say That!

I have to work another 9 and a half hour shift today…!

I’m not excited!

I definitely need to post before going to work because I know 100% that I’m gonna feel awful after working!

yay

Let’s write a post that matters today, because the past few posts have been in my opinion hot garbage.

I saw a post on twitter today that kind of lambasted women for having aesthetic preferences in romantic partners today and it pissed me off a little.

It was basically stating that if your main trait you look for in a partner is intelligence, you can’t have any preferences when it comes to looks because you’ll chase away the actually smart people.

dude, what?

Is it impossible for smart people to look good and this is just my first time hearing about it?

Are we really doing this?

Is this a conversation we need to have?

Well people are having it so I guess that’s what we’re doing now.

OK, I really need to start getting ready so I’m gonna try to get my point across in as concise of a way as possible.

  1. not all smart people are ugly? I thought we knew that?
  2. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to date handsome men
  3. I’m not sure intelligence should be the number one thing you llok for i a romantic partner. What about compatibility? Why aren’t we making that observation?
  4. Being picky can be a good thing because it doesn’t mean you have to wade through the waters of people who are absolutely not your type.
  5. Why do we only have this conversation when it comes to women’s aesthetic preferences? What about all the men who write disgusting things about women with “flaws” as small as stretch marks? Why can’t we write 11 tweet long threads about them?
  6. (I didn’t mention this earlier but the thread also criticised hypergamy.) Who cares if a woman wants to date a rich man? If you aren’t rich it doesn’t affect you!

Ugh, I spent too much time getting distracted in the middle of writing this and it ended up just as bad as my other posts.

I guess we’ll just have to wait for anything good to come out of me for another day.

Bye for now, wish me luck for my 9 1/2 hour shift.

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Hurricanes, Gorillaz, and Vaping

Let’s find something to talk about…

hmm…

On twitter people are talking about

  • Hurricane Florence
  • Paul Manafort
  • Eminem (ew)
  • Kelly Clarkson
  • Justin Bieber & Hailey Baldwin (Who is she? Is she related to Alec Baldwin?)
  • public breastfeeding (again? I thought we all agreed its fine back in like 2016?)
  • farm workers rights
  • statutory rape
  • bikini waxes
  • Amy Winehouse (it’s her birthday)
  • BTS’ new japanese song and the scandal surrounding a songwriter
  • Bebe Rexha (Why are we giving her attention?)

It’s a pretty slow news day I guess.

Everything worthwhile is about the hurricane though so I guess I’ll say something…

Uh…

I don’t have anything to say about the hurricane.

I’ve never been in a hurricane…

I hope everybody is ok…

 

 

This post is dry.

 

 

 

Let’s check…

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wait…

Gorillaz is trending!?

A new gorillaz video came out??

And noone told me??

Let’s watch it and review and maybe this post won’t be dry anymore.

OK, I have the video pulled up, I have paused my podcast, and I am ready to write.

A review of Tranz by Gorillaz.

  • first thing: noodle has a new hair color (and boobs)
  • this feels like a combination of plastic beach and demon days in tone
  • no murdoc… but a new green dude
  • the video reminds me of feels like we only go backwards by tame impala
  • AAA
  • it ended so quickly!
  • OK, the video is over, lets review
  • I liked the song, I don’t think it’ gonna be a big hit for me personally but I don’t like most upbeat music because I’m a sad sad person
  • the song feels like a bit of a return to form for Gorillaz to me
  • I really liked the keyboard riff about 1/3 of the way through the song
  • I didn’t really listen to the lyrics so I’m not gonna criticize it, I also don’t normally… care about lyrics because I consider the voice an instrument so I honestly don’t care what people have to say. Is that shallow?
  • I liked the way the voice was a little distorted and muffled
  • um.. yeah
  • that’s my review

I’m god awful at reviewing music.

Oh you know something that got to me?

The FDA made a statement that they’re cracking down on vape pen distributors.

I think this is great.

Honestly it terrifies me when I see the people I went to high school with talking about vaping and juuling so much. I swear like 50% of them are obsessed with it. I’m scared they’ll develop nicotine dependencies.

Why do people think this is cool?

It makes you look like a low budget stoner who can’t develop a personality trait outside of blowing smoke.

I don’t hate people who vape in general because I understand that it’s a far better alternative to cigarettes and it helps people beat addictions, but I know so many people who’ve never smoked a cigarette before and spend all their time juuling in their honda civics and it’s pathetic!

Nicotine ruins peoples lives!

People my age have gone their whole lives knowing this!

I hope nobody who vapes as a hobby moves on to smoking real cigarettes.

Whoa.

This post really crosses the whole spectrum of topics doesn’t it.

I guess I’ll end this here.

I may post again later today.

Please follow my blog!

 

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A Review of 2 Drastically Different Songs

Hi!

I just got back from my daily outing. My mom went to the doctors so I came along.

I probably should have written my post earlier so I wouldn’t have to scramble now just like yesterday. It’s almost like I don’t learn from my mistakes.

I listened to that new Kanye West and Lil Pump song for the first time today…

It was better than I expected.

I thought it would be hot garbage with a Kanye feature but it was actually pretty interesting. I don’t love the repetitive nature of the beginning of Kanye’s part but it fits with the narrative of the song. I think I would’ve loved the song when I was 14 to be honest.

I also discovered a hidden gem in the rap industry last night…

“I Love Bugs” from Yo Gabba Gabba.

Hear me out.

Yes, it’s a Yo Gabba Gabba song,  but the backing track and overall tone of the song is something I’d expect from like Tyler the Creator or maybe even Brockhampton or J-Hope. It’s super good! It’s been stuck in my head all day and I’m honestly super happy that a show marketed to 4 year olds would introduce them to such well produced music!

so…

yeah.

I guess that’s my post for today.

P.S

I forgot to say happy birthday to RM yesterday on his birthday! How dare I!? Anyways, Happy Birthday RM, I know you’ll never read this but I appreciate all you do!

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gotta post

*lowercase post ahead*

i don’t really know what to post today…

right now i’m eating some french fries as i type this. i love french fries. you may already know that though.

i went to the psychiatrist today.

i don’t wanna talk about everything we talked about but he supports my plan to increase my risk taking.

i’m hoping to do an audition some time soon, i first have to find a good casting call.

back when i did theatre in high school i always felt underappreciated. i shouldn’t rant about this s as to prevent me from getting tracked down by my high school colleagues though.

hmm…

tomorrows post will be better i swear.

 

day in the life

A Day in the Life: September 11th, 2018

I woke up at about 7:30 to the sound of the dogs barking.

I felt hazy and ended up sitting in bed petting Peanut, Poptart and Maddie until about 8:45 when I finally got up to pee and say hi to my mom. I sat in bed with my mom for about 30 minutes and pet Posh and Samoa as Mulan played in the background and my mom crocheted.

Sometime around 9:30 I moved the cacophony of items that I carry around the house with me to the living room where I listened to a podcast and ate my breakfast. I had oatmeal with peanut butter. Around here is when my feet start to feel cold.

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I then decided that I want to have marinated tofu as a part of my dinner so knowing that the tofu tastes best if it’s marinated all day, I went to the kitchen and mixed up the marinade and cut my tofu into cubes. I then put the tofu in the marinade and then the fridge to sit while the rest of my day unfolds.

I eventually felt paralysed by lack of productivity so I moved my belongings from the coffee table to my desk at about 11:00. Once my items were set down I began to prepare to study.

My pre-study routine consists of drinking some water and stretching for about 15 minutes.

I then sat down to study.

Once I sat down and crossed my legs I noticed that the soles of my feet were purple from being cold.

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Can you even tell that they’re purple in this photo?

I studied Korean for about 2 hours and then Japanese for 35 minutes.

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After studying for a while, I had “lunch”.

I don’t wanna tell you what I ate.

I also posted a photo on my instagram which was impossible to think of a caption for so I just captioned it *insert caption here*. I’m trying to post more on instagram because I like curating content and attention so I try to post even if I feel like I have nothing to put up.

I then sat down again and studied Russian for about 30 minutes.

Pretty swiftly after I wrapped up my Russian study session my mom asked me to make her a cup of coffee so I did and I checked the mail. We got ads.

I went on twitter for about 10 minutes and read Ari Fleischers timeline of 9/11. It’s really interesting to see what happened for the people on Air Force One, so I recommend you look him up and read his tweets from today. I also read some of the happy birthday tweets for RM from BTS. I’ll wish him a happy birthday tomorrow when the date matches up.

At this point I feel aimless so I decide to see if there’s anything new on youtube and it turns out Lindsey Ellis posted a video! I love her video essays so that got me excited so I dropped everything to watch it while doing some of my planning for tomorrow.

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Once the video drew to a close I decided  should write my blog post for today.

Here we are…

It’s not even 17:00 yet so I still have more of a day ahead.

I think I’m gonna do a load of laundry tonight.

My day was ok and I hope you had an ok day as well.

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Memoirs of an Attention Seeker

If I’m being honest, my favorite thing in the world is attention and my favorite thing about my blog is getting attention from it. I love the validation I get from views and likes and comments. Recently, however, my blog hasn’t been getting the amount of views I want and I know it’s because my content isn’t great lately, but I still just wanna shout from the rooftops “read my blog! read my blog! look at me! pay attention!”.

I feel like right now my attempts at gaining an online following are a last ditch effort to achieve my ultimate dream of being famous because I think I’ve missed any opportunity to get what I want organically. I wish I was more assertive when I was a kid about doing auditions and taking dance classes and stuff like that because I feel like I’m miles and miles behind where I should be.

People always talk about how I would’ve hated being a child star but I can’t imagine I would’ve hated it any more that I hated the childhood I had. I felt like I didn’t even exist for my entire adolescence and I’d probably prefer to have felt like I at least mattered.

And as I write this post I can feel the judgement of others coming in that I shouldn’t be so attention seeking and I shouldn’t feel like fame is a good goal and “well *insert celebrity* got famous at 35!” but I want attention now!

It sucks to feel like you don’t matter!

It feels like nobody gives one single f*ck about what I have to say or what I can do!

Not to be conceited but I’m talented and my personality is effervescent!

I feel like 1/3 of my posts end with some resolution about how I’m gonna work even harder and I’m gonna do x y and z to get my goals, but for f*cks sake! I’m gonna get what I want!

I feel like I have no accomplishments and I wanna say that I’m a winner for once. Is that too much to ask?

When I did theater and stuff I felt like I never got any praise and shine and godd*mn it I’m gonna get some d*mn praise!

I always feel like it’s the wrong time to do things and you know what? It’s never gonna be a good time to do anything so I’m gonna be a shameless attention seeker until I get followed by paparazzi.

I hate it when celebrities complain about having no privacy or getting asked for autographs because you know what?

I’d give up just about everything in my life for what they have.

How ungrateful do you have to be to get upset that you’re getting too much attention?

Whatever, I’m gonna be dedicating at least one hour a day from here on to promoting myself and you’re gonna watch me blow up.

So here’s the dumb resolution ending for this post.

I’m gonna be absolutely shameless about promoting myself, I’m gonna be super cunning to get what I want, I’m gonna stop worrying about being called an attention seeker because guess what? That’s exactly what I am.

I don’t necessarily believe in the law of attraction but I think if I say something enough times and I really place all of my focus into something it will hopefully happen. I’m gonna speak it into existence. If you’re reading now, you’ll have the privilege of saying that you know what I was thinking before I made my big break, and when I walk my first red carpet you’ll be able to look at me and say “wow, she really did that.”

So let’s list some things I’m gonna do in my lifetime.

I’m gonna walk the red carpet at the met gala.

I’m gonna have my wedding talked about in tabloids.

I’m gonna get interviewed by Stephen Colbert.

I’m gonna be in Vogue.

I’m gonna be on a japanese variety show.

I’m gonna be the face of a clothing company.

I’m gonna have a concert in the Staples Center.

I’m gonna meet Beyonce.

There’s gonna be a twitter account dedicated to outfits I wear.

I’m gonna be a designers muse.

I’m gonna meet BTS.

People will praise me for my work ethic.

I’ll surprise everyone with my language skills.

I’m gonna stay at the Grand Floridian.

People will love my personality alongside my talent.

So someday, I expect this post to be brought up and people will say “I can’t believe she spoke all that into existence, I’m gonna do it too”.

And I’m gonna be an inspiration.

 

So I guess now I should say if you wanna see someone ruthlessly do what it takes to get their shine and you wanna hear about the inner workings of me, an attention wh*re, please follow and support my blog! Recommend it to your friends! I’m really interesting when I don’t have writers block, I swear!

I also have a ton of other social media linked on my website so please follow me on those as well because you’re gonna see bigger and better things from me!

 

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I Fixed My Google Photos, Here’s Some Pictures

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the old lady
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I took this the day before I got pneumonia
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My bruise from getting blood drawn
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wink
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I took this the day Mel died and it makes me sad to look at 😦
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one of my favorite things is seeing the moon in the morning
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samoa taking a break from being mean
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this is my first time taking a picture of myself in a car  I think
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This is probably gonna get uploaded to my instagram too
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insert caption here

and the piece de resistance…

 

 

I’ve always wanted to take a picture of myself sneezing and I finally did it.

Morning Pages

About 600 Words

Good morning.

These are my pages.

I’m gonna do a short morning page entry today because I feel like I have a lot to do today.

I’m thinking about something odd this morning.

Iceberg lettuce.

I think iceberg lettuce is the most disgusting food on the planet. There’s nothing I’ve ever eaten that disgusts me to my core in the way that iceberg lettuce does. Whenever people talk about iceberg lettuce they describe it as being mild and flavorless, but I don’t know what’s wrong with their tastebuds because for me iceberg lettuce is one of the strongest flavors on the planet. It tastes like ammonia and dental equipment. I wish restaurants would offer salads on better base greens than iceberg because it honestly dissuades me from going to restaurants because I know that it’s likely that at a lot of restaurants the only think I’m gonna be willing to eat would be a salad but then they have to ruin it by serving it on a pile of earwax leaves!

It really works me up when I go to restaurants and the only vegan option is an altered iceberg lettuce salad. I only go to restaurants a few times a year but still! Give me spinach at least!

Whatever, restaurants are too expensive anyway.

You know what else is gross and associated with salads?

Ranch dressing.

I had a short ranch dressing phase when I was like 7 years old where I really liked ranch dressing, but that ended quickly.

Ranch dressing has a gross texture and  I honestly don’t wanna eat anything that’s tart while also containing dairy. It makes me happy to see the vegan ranch dressings though because I know there are people out there who like it and it’s good to have a variety of vegan substitutes.

Posh and Samoa are being obnoxious right now.

I really wish they wouldn’t chew on stuff and drool right above my house shoes. They make me get my socks wet. They’re gross in like every way though so I shouldn’t expect anything better.

Today I’m scheduled at work for nine and a half hours. I get a break but still… nine and a half hours. I think I’d be more ok working 9 hour shifts if my schedule was consistent, but some days I only work 3 hours.

I hope today’s a busy day at work because I’d much rather be spread thin than feel like I have nothing to do. I hate feeling like I’m wasting my life.

Sometimes I wonder what they’re doing in the store next to mine. When I’m in the back I can sometimes hear like cheering and stuff. I wonder if they’re doing stuff like that video of the walmart employees singing we will rock you. Maybe I’m just apathetic and I get confused when I hear others expressing joy.

I think I express joy though, just in a less noisy way.

I’m such a high strung person that sometimes joy is just shown as like… exhaling.

I need to invent something like a night guard for the day because I grind my teeth when I’m stressed or pissed off (which is about 40% of the time) and I think it’s making my jaw bigger and the last thing I need is an even more square jaw. That’s definitely in my top 5 insecurities about my body. I just think my whole jaw line needs to go through a paper shredder.

Do you ever look at someone and wonder what they regret?

I do that a lot and I think it’s kind of sadistic.

Alright, I’m at about 600 words so I’ll leave you for now.