feeling numb

after crying on and off all day yesterday i cant feel anything. i just want her back so bad. i wanna pet her and hug her and take just a few more pictures of her. i miss having her scratch at my door in the middle of the night and i miss her jumping onto my bathroom counter while i’m trying to wash my face even though those things used to annoy me. i just wish this didn’t happen. i wish life was fair.




my beautiful grey kitty london died today at about noon. im inconsolable so i need to vent or whatever this post is. as i write this im crying and waiting to get her cremated. im gonna tell you all about her:

  • i got her when i was 5 and i dont have any memories where she wasnt in my life.
  • she and her sister always fought
  • shes so pretty with soft grey hair and shiny green eyes
  • when she slept in my bed she would sleep right near my head
  • she was the floppiest cat ive ever held
  • she loved water as long as she wasnt being bathed; she loved playing in faucets, getting in the shower right after id gotten out, and occasionally playing in the toilet
  • she rarely meowed
  • she loved to hide inside paper bags
  • whenever i’d reach to pet her she’d lean into my hand

i truly believe she loved me. im so sad i dont have a lot of pictures of her but here are a few of them

she was so affectionate, her and her sister are truly the perfect cats for me and i hope i get to see london again in some way

fashion nova review <3

i made a post a while ago about ordering clothes from fashion nova. well my clothes are here now and i wanna style them. as a side note this is my first time taking flat lay photos, i wouldve showed you the clothes on but honestly my mirror is dirty and i dont wanna clean it and i dont have anyone to do a photoshoot with. ill be reviewing the clothes as i show you my amateur flat lays and ill link to all of the clothes at the end of this post. THIS IS NOT SPONSORED but i would love if it was. fashion nova please sponsor me.

ok, so these outfits are pretty basic and also pretty femme since thats my general style and i didnt want to include non-fashion nova items.

please note

  • all of these photos have the filter “delight” from meitu put on them so the lighting is more even across the board
  • these outfits are basic because i ordered basic pieces
  • this is mainly a review
  • this is my first time buying jeans in about a year and a half
  • i also ordered a romper but with a romper, the romper is the whole outfit, i will however link the romper at the end of this post

burberry esque


this outfit is probably my favorite since it’s ungodly comfortable. the top is the straight to it bodysuit, the bottoms are the madeline high rise printed leggings, and the belt is the black part of the back to basic belt set. these leggings are so comfortable and remind me of lularoe leggings without the thick waistband. theyre super soft and nice. the bodysuit is comfortable and it makes my boobs look huge. the belt is super nice and i love that the buckle is rounded instead of square.

around the house


the top is the straight to it bodysuit and the bottoms are the everyday basic shorts. these shorts are super comfy and tight so they dont bother my legs by flapping around and chafing. the bodysuit is just like the black version but in this one since the fabric is white there is a possibility of showing off your nipples if you go braless.

*john travolta voice* SANDY?


this outfit reminds me of sandy from grease but casual. the top is the fool in love off the shoulder bodysuit and the jeans are classic high waist skinny jeans in dark while the belt is the black belt in the back to basics belt set. the jeans are really stretchy and flattering but something i’ve noticed is that the darker colored jeans are less stretchy than lighter colors. i would assume this is because the lightening process affects the structural integrity of the fibers making them more malleable. the top is super cute and also makes my boobs look huge, my one criticism is that the buttons are real so i get gaps in between the buttons on my chest.

i’m a cloud

the top is the straight to it bodysuit and the joggers are the leyle jogger pants. i love these bottoms. they’re really interesting in that the material is almost crepe like but still thick. also nice is the fact that on the joggers the aglets are metal so that’s a nice luxe touch.

i-i-i im a a little butterfly

the top is the made me do it top in mauve the jeans are Classic high waist skinny jeans in medium blue and the belt is the brown belt in the back to basics belt set. i’m in love with this belt it’s super cute on and i prefer brown to black. these jeans are stretchier than the darkest wash and are very comfortable. the top is super cute i just wish the back was cut higher but that’s only because i’m insecure about my upper back. the top reminds me of a butterfly or a papillon dog’s ears when on.

emmaline top two ways

both of these tops are the emmaline top while the light blue jeans are classic high waist skinny jeans in light blue and the white jeans are super high waist denim skinnies in white. i like the emmaline top so much that i bought it in two colors and that’s all i have to say about that. both of these jeans are absurdly stretchy and i love them the most of all of my jeans from fashion nova. my only criticism of the white jeans is that i wish they had belt loops.


now to the bread and butter of this blog. how i felt putting on these clothes.

i actually felt pretty good. i was still pretty critical of myself but since all of the clothes fit i wasnt hypercritical. i love it that fashion nova is catering more toward people like me who always have a gap in their jeans from other stores. this all in all made my experience great and didnt exacerbate any distaste i ahve for my body since clothes fit so i didnt feel like my body is wrong.



outfit 1:

Straight To It Bodysuit – Black

Madeline High Rise Printed Leggings – Multi

Back To Basic Belt Set – Black/Tan


outfit 2:

Straight To It Bodysuit – White

Everyday Basic Shorts – Lilac


outfit 3:

Fool In Love Off Shoulder Bodysuit – Black

Classic High Waist Skinny Jeans – Dark

Back To Basic Belt Set – Black/Tan


outfit 4:

Straight To It Bodysuit – White

Leyle Jogger Pant – Blue


outfit 5:

Classic High Waist Skinny Jeans – Medium Blue

Made Me Do It Top – Mauve

Back To Basic Belt Set – Black/Tan


outfit 6:

Emmaline Top – White

Emmaline Top – Rose

Super High Waist Denim Skinnies – White

Classic High Waist Skinny Jeans – Light Blue



please dont think im bragging i just wanted to review and style some clothes  (✿˵◕‿◕˵)



i’ve come up with 3 goals for my blog with the help of the wordpress blogging university prompt for today.

  1. make internet friends- as an accidental loner, i delight in making new friends since it doesn’t happen too often. id love to have a concrete friend group on the internet so that if i’m isolated from my irl friends (like i have been while in ed treatment) i can still have social stimulus.
  2. get as many readers as possible- i wanna be famous and i’m not gonna lie about it. developing a following is very alluring to me.
  3. post as often as i can- i genuinely enjoy posting on my blog and want to do it whenever i can.


not much else to say about this. i’m excited to see what other people say for their goals.


i didn’t tell y’all about my songwriting journal when i introduced you to my journals.

i’ve been occasionally writing songs in a miliko dotted spiral notebook since december.

i’ve got two whole songs chord structure and all so i thought id tell you why i wrote them.

  • i’ve always wanted to sing for a living
  • i feel a pressure that i should write music if i want to sing
  • i took music theory
  • it’s supposedly a good way to vent
  • i feel very accomplished after writing
  • i wanna produce my own album


i don’t know, i don’t feel very inspired to blog today so i wrote about the first thing i thought about this morning.


robot romance

why is every romance about a human falling in love with a robot amazing? there’s Her, Chobits, about five million livejournal original stories, and like a ton more robot romance content.

you know what those all have in common?


theyre absolutely delightful.

(as a side note you should all watch chobits, its a great anime)


i think i’ve discovered why i love robot romance so much and its because the couple don’t relate to each other much and you know what? i don’t relate to most people.

not to say i’m some uber special person but i do have many unique interests and i don’t meet a ton of people who are similar to me in more than maybe 2 ways.

perhaps i have such a hard time relating to others due to my emotional avoidance tactics that i developed during the height of my eating disorder, a very notable one being social isolation.

most of the time for me my audience surrogate isn’t the human but rather the robot.

whoa what if i’m a robot?


another way i find to relate to the robot is that while artificial intelligence is made to be perfect, i constantly strive to be perfect. the robots in robot romance always seem like something to strive toward, chii from chobits being a great example of this since i am obsessed with her character design and would die to look like her despite the fact that i know shes really pretty amorphous.


maybe i want to be a robot.