thinking about jonghyun

recently i’ve been having suicidal thoughts and there’s really been one thing keeping me from acting on them.



for those of you who don’t know who jonghyun is, he’s a member of the korean boy band SHINee who recently died. from suicide.

every time i’ve gotten an urge, thinking about jonghyun has kept me from acting because ever since he died i’ve really felt what it’s like to be affected by suicide. a lot of people in my life have died from suicide. but jonghyuns death really got to me for some reason.

my relationship with shinee started in 2011 when i heard the song “Hello” for the first time. i instantly fell in love with the 5 members and ever since then, while i don’t call shinee my favorite musicians or anything, i’ve kept up with shinee and i feel a strong bond with them. i’ll never forget how i felt while watching shinee’s season of “Hello Baby” or how excited i was that they released an homage to rocky horror with “married to the music”.

most things shinee did have made me happy, but when it came out that jonghyun killed himself i felt nothing. at least for the first 6 months.

since december when he died i’ve avoided anything involving shinee or jonghyun, but today i had a strong urge to reintroduce myself to shinee.

i chose to listen to “Replay”, their first song. upon hearing the first note i immediately began sobbing uncontrollably. i continued to cry as i listened to a few more songs (Sherlock, Hello, One Of One, Lucifer), and now i don’t know how i feel.

i think i’m going to spend some more time with shinee because i feel a bit of guilt for avoiding them since jonghyun’s death, but i don’t think i can listen to any of jonghyun’s solo music for a long time.

if you could do me a favor, i would love it if you would listen to jonghyun’s song “Hallelujah” because it’s my favorite song of his and i really can’t bring myself to listen to it. he could really use the support.


6 thoughts on “thinking about jonghyun

  1. Hi, I’m a shawol too. I hope you feel a little bit better now. Listening to his song is still hard for me too in normal basis… but whenever i felt sad/stressed/couldn’t sleep his song is the only one that calmed me. I’m such a selfish human being TnT

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m just like you. In fact, I wrote quite a similar letter as well for this reason. It is definitely possible to remember that he wants us to keep smiling. And hey, it’s not that we will never see him again. It’s just that he has gone earlier than us. Nothing else.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. hey i’m a shawol and i just came across this post but and i can 100% resonate with you. it’s still so surreal that he isn’t here . i hope you’re feeling better now and even if you’re not that’s okay too! always here to lend an ear 💕

    Liked by 1 person

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