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unhealthy motivation

i’ve been trying to motivate myself to start doing some things to improve my future prospects. i’ve been working on my songwriting and trying to find a good place to train to be a massage therapist. i ideally would like for my long term career to have something to do with the music industry, so ideas for work that’s more realistic than actually singing for a living (i feel like i’m not talented enough to do that) have included audio engineering and translating for celebrities.

so to basically, during the upcoming few months i want to improve my:

  • songwriting
  • daily routine
  • language skills
  • technology prowess
  • school prospects
  • flexibility
  • handwriting
  • cooking

 

i’m a pretty unmotivated person, so i’ve been searching for things that will get me up and working and i found a good motivator that makes me feel like a bad person.

 

i want to make others feel jealous

 

i talked to my psychiatrist about this and he was actually happy about it. he said that i should work on channeling my feelings of inferiority outwards instead of wallowing in sadness constantly. i’m gong to try to not feel bad about my motivator because it really is helping me get out and try.

this may be a good time to discuss my inferiority complex. i have probably hinted at or expressly stated it in the past on this blog but i should probably clarify now.

so to summarize, i feel like i am an inferior being to all other humans. when i’m out in the world i compare myself to everyone i see and i never seem to rank higher than anyone. i tell myself constantly about how awful i am and it is honestly a motivator for my ED tendencies. but restriction seem to be the only thing i can motivate myself to do because of this.

now, in a way i want other people to feel my pain. i have a kind of warped perspective on the world because i genuinely believe that others look at me and just by seeing me they receive a confidence boost because they know they can’t be quite as low quality of a human as me.

so i’m gonna make other people insecure.

if i can never feel good then i want others to feel bad (i know this isn’t a good mental space to be in but it’s the first step to getting into a positive headspace) at least for the time being.

there is a caveat to this plan and it’s that it wont make me feel better about my physical appearance which is honestly what i’m the least secure in. sadly, it’s a bad idea to get about 12 plastic surgeries (which i conceptually would if i had unlimited money) and i shouldn’t diet as a person with an eating disorder. so i’m going to also try to increase the power that i give to non appearance traits so i can maybe drown out the sorrow my flesh prison causes with measurable improvement in my skills.


bullet journal update

i’ve added some new habits to my habit tracker including: meditating and practicing handwriting. next month i think i’ll be adding songwriting to my habit tracker so i can be more incentivised to work on songs.

i’ve also started doing a chinese character of the week in the notes box i include in my weekly spread so i can see chinese every day casually.


so… yeah that’s all i got on this topic for now.

 

edit: if you receive emails for my posts, can you please start clicking the link that leads to my website so that i actually receive views from your readership so i can have accurate analytics. 

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