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i’ve been on the verge of tears for 3 days straight. how about you?

i’m sick of not writing about how i feel out of a fear of a barrage of people i know in real life berating me so if you’re a person i know this post may not be for you.

i have felt like crying every waking moment for the past 3 days.

isn’t that wonderful?

it’s because i feel like the expectations placed on me are far too high and i’m also not receiving much of any support.

ever since i used my first big word as a child i’ve been labeled “gifted” and because of this i am expected to:

  • go to college
  • get large scholarships for college
  • do everything myself yet also ask for help when i need it
  • go into STEM (*vomit*)
  • have 15 “good reasons” before making any decision
  • make a lot of money and support my mother by a very young age
  • be willing to give up on doing things i enjoy yet also follow my dreams

i don’t feel that any of these expectations are unique to me but i do feel as though nobody i know expresses concern about them.

i guess i will.

college

i don’t wish to go

no shocker if you’ve read what is sadly my most popular post it was supposed to be a throw away post but whatever

i’m gonna because i feel that if i don’t i’ll be disowned but trust me

every. step. will. be. reluctant.

there has never been a time in my life where i have genuinely, in my heart wanted to go to college; only times when i was a better actor.

i have for years put on a happy face and made up plans about what i’ll do in college but never have they been something that sounds appealing to me.

i have literally contemplated suicide because of this yet people still seem an urge to do the “tough love” thing. it is my belief that tough love is gentle hate and it does absolutely nothing to motivate me and in fact makes me feel scared to express myself and to make decisions.

that’s why i haven’t really posted about this topic since i received an onslaught of very depressing comments from family members and friends of my mother even though it has been on the forefront of my mind.

 

scholarships

i’m good at tests and pretty much nothing else as far as school is concerned.

that’s why i got 2 AP scholar with distinction awards and placed in the 98th and 99th percentile for the SAT and ACT respectively yet i didn’t even place in the top 20% of my graduating class.

i don’t believe that they love low achievers who answer questions well. sadly they want someone well rounded nowadays and i am the opposite of that.

whatever, i’ll just deal with crippling debt

be independent but not too independent

i wish people would make up their minds on this one

as a barely social person i am a strong believer in “if you want something done right, do it yourself” but for some reason when i express this ideal i’m told i’m immature.

you know what’s immature?

contradicting yourself.

go into STEM

i have no interest.

“give me a good reason”

i tend to give a disclaimer before making any stance i have known because in my lived experience, people seem to react in a very horrified manner when i have emotions or opinions.

i have nobody to blame but myself for this one because for my whole life i’ve been scared to talk about feelings because i’m so shy. now after going through therapy and being constantly told to speak my mind it’s jarring for people who for the duration of knowing me didn’t know that i experience the full range of human emotions because i was scared they’ll yell at me for it.

well now they do yell at me for it so… hypothesis: correct.

but for some reason in spite of my instinctive disclaimers, it’s as if people don’t hear me give any reasoning for my decisions.

i think people just refuse to listen but whatever.

make a lot of money and support your mom

people say this right before telling me to do something that will almost inevitably put me into debt that will prevent me from supporting my mother but it’s me that’s contrarian.

give up but do what makes you happy

i don’t wanna be the bearer of bad news but going into political science will not make me happy.

you know what my sources of joy in this world are?

  • my pets
  • seeing that my abilities (language, flexibility, handwriting, etc) have improved
  • knowing that Jonghyun would want me to live
  • singing

that’s all that comes to mind and i meditated on that list for a solid 25 minutes

so if you want me to give up on my dream of singing, don’t pretend you care about my happiness

 

so now that i’ve spent over an hour typing out all of that, what do i do with these feelings?

well i’m gonna

  • go to college and not be happy about it
  • do everything myself because i’m the only one who can do thongs right for myself and also out of spite
  • try my best to sing for a living
  • never go into stem *shutters thinking about it*
  • only contemplate suicide but never go through with it because Jonghyun wouldn’t want that
  • have a good cry tonight probably, maybe a good yell at myself
  • cut some people out of my life
  • remind people that i’m going to college so they won’t lecture me about wasting my potential
  • maybe write more emotional posts like this because i’m sick of censoring myself so people don’t yell at me. i’ve given up so yell all you want

i just wanna make it known for like the 4th time in this post that it’s really upsetting for me when people do the tough love thing and i hope that if you’ve read this far into my over 1000 word post you’ll think long and hard before jumping down my throat with self righteous nonsense. it’s not that i dislike comments, in fact i do. but constructive ones or outright hateful ones. maybe don’t tell me i “do not deserve the gifts [i’ve] been given” (real quote) and instead just call me a c*nt so i can move on.

god this post is terrible.

i wish i didn’t sound so rude when i write stuff like this but it’s pretty hard to veil the intense anger and sadness i feel right now.

maybe unsubscribe from my blog if you didn’t like this one, more may be to come

i don’t know though, this was pretty cathartic

this one wont’ be cross posted

thank you to the strangers who have placed interest in me, i just passed 100 wordpress followers.

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3 thoughts on “i’ve been on the verge of tears for 3 days straight. how about you?

  1. I feel you. I’ve always wanted to be a singer too, but I guess I’m too scared of rejection, so I never really tried to get out there. But I’m gonna day something about college, you may be surprised. It can actually be fun because you can study something you’re actually interested in. I only had passing grades in middle school and high school, but I’ve always been a straight As student in college and university. I’m really smart when I like what I’m doing and I feel like you’re the same way. So if you have the opportunity to go and you can find a program you actually like, you may not hate it. Maybe try something language related. You can make a lot of money by being a translator and you’d work very few hours giving you a lot of free time to invest in your singing career. I’m sorry your family isn’t supportive, but can feel you have great potential ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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