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Bloggers Block and Ira Glass

I feel like it would be a little pretentious of me to say I have writers block since I’m such a casual personal blogger, but I have something that feels like how I imagine writers block feels.

It’s not like I don’t have ideas or concepts in mind, I just don’t feel like right now is the time to execute them so I have a bunch of half written posts in my WordPress drafts. I also am not trying to come up with narratives like a novelist.

I’ll call it bloggers block.

I feel like I really need to get back to my former work ethic before Mel died because I was really seeing rapid growth and improvement in my blog. I loved how it felt to see myself being rewarded for my efforts.

I think I’m gonna try to post every day in September.

I bet I’ll probably end up breaking this goal on like… the 1st but I really think it would be a good idea.

There’s this speech by Ira Glass from This American Life about how if you wanna do something you, should do it all the time. I hear a lot of people talk about it and quote it and if you know me you’ll know that I’m impervious to quotes but as a person who obsessively does things daily out of the belief that at some point I’ll be good at something, I might as well blog daily. Blogging is already in my habit tracker so I might as well further incentivize myself.

I’ve set a goal for monthly views for September and I’ve begun a list of post ideas so that I can have consistent posts and something to work towards.

I’ll be trying to keep a good balance of personal (whiny) posts and informative/lifestyle posts like I did in the past.

So… yeah.

If you wanna see more posts (hopefully daily) please subscribe to or follow my blog!

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Guilty About My Thoughts

Do you ever think something and then immediately feel like a bad person?

I do that at least 7 times a day.

I don’t know if this is a universal experience or if this is caused by my focus on being a “good, righteous person” but it causes me a lot of distress.

For example, I like to believe that I’m a very body positive person and honestly when I look at most people I see beauty, but I don’t offer myself the same luxury. I’ll think to myself “nobody will ever romantically love you because of your looks”, “your body is disgusting”, “you need surgery or else you’ll never be liked” and almost immediately after having thoughts like this a second thought crosses my mind.

“You’re a hypocrite”

“You don’t really care about others”

“Nobody will ever love you because you’re so negative”

These thoughts also have a second road to go down where my retaliation will be more along the lines of:

“You care too much about what others think”

“You should be independent and have an idgaf attitude like other people your age”

I think the second line of thought is less hurtful for me because honestly, I believe that there’s nothing wrong with being concerned about what others think. I think that it shows that you care and is a very good motivator (for me) to improve. I also believe that the common carefree attitude that a lot of people my age have is very unattractive and makes them seem like *ssholes.

I just often feel like an immoral person because I think degrading thoughts about myself and others. It makes me feel like I’m in solitary confinement in this flesh prison I’ve been cursed with.

I feel like it would be a very bad idea to air ut most of the thoughts I have but I’ll give another example that’s more me-centric so I don’t make myself seem like a complete c*nt.

I’ll sometimes see couples in which a woman in the relationship looks nothing like me. This makes me completely seethe. I feel so guilty about it because I know I should be happy for others, but it just makes me feel like nobody likes girls who look like me when I see people in happy relationships who share no physical traits with me.

Before you leave a comment along the lines of telling me I’m pretty or telling me personality matters more, I’d like to finish talking.

When I have these envious mean thoughts, I always try to make myself feel validated with the thoughts about my personality (which I believe is great) or I try to convince myself that I am not the ugliest human to ever live (very hard to do), but I manage to logic my way out of that every time. When I try to convince myself of the importance of personality, I very quickly remind myself of the tons upon tons of people who are in fact superficial. I know I shouldn’t desire these people either, but here comes another way to make myself feel bad. I tell myself that everyone is superficial. Now I’m backed into a corner and what happens next? ED urges. When I try to convince myself that I possess even a modicum of good looks, I do something that also makes me feel like a bad person: I look at people I think are ugly. I know I shouldn’t be judging peoples looks but I do it. Sadly when I look at people I find ugly, all I notice are similarities to myself. So that makes me feel awful too.

ugh

I wish I felt desirable ever but I genuinely never do. I think a small amount of outside validation from people I have feelings for would genuinely help me and… guess what… that makes me feel awful too.

I feel codependent, I feel attention seeking, I feel like I don’t receive validation for a reason (my looks).

I just wish I could find a solution to this.

Whatever, I just suck.

Morning Pages · Uncategorized

Morning Page 1

I’ve been hearing a lot about morning pages recently and I thought “hmm that seems like a good idea, but I don’t wanna waste that much paper”.  If you haven’t heard of morning pages, you essentially write 3 pages of whatever’s on your mind right when you wake up. I know you might think, “Mikah, you use a ton of paper already with your tons of journals and book upon books of notes.” I will respond, “yeah, but I like those things, I’m not sure about this”

Well, lucky for all of us, I just woke up.

Welcome to my first time writing morning pages.

I’ll give myself some basic rules:

  • a page is about 300 words for me so I’ll aim for 900 words
  • don’t say anything too mean

cool, let’s start

I don’t know what happened, but I have a big deep cut on the inside of my knuckle and my finger is super swollen. It must have happened a good while ago because it’s scabbed over and doesn’t feel new. What if I’m up doing dumb stuff while I’m asleep and I didn’t even know?
I guess that’s no big surprise because I’m a person who does dumb stuff all the time so I guess I’d do it while asleep too.

I’ve been watching a lot of these videos about productivity lately and I’ve noticed that everyone gives the same tips. Either these tips are like super holy grail or everyone doesn’t wanna try to come up with their own ideas. I think the answer is the latter, not the former.

I suspect this because I try a lot of these tips and they don’t help me like… at all.

The pomodoro method is the single best way to distract me, putting my phone far away from me for my timer just makes me super anxious and doesn’t wake me up any better (I don’t hear the alarm), and gratitude journaling is like the most disingenuous thing I’ve ever done. Just a few things that came to mind that don’t work for me.

I think I should come up with my own productivity techniques and make a light flooded, aesthetic youtube video about them.

For me the only way to study and not get totally distracted and unproductive is to study straight through with zero distractions for hours on end. I think for many people this sounds awful and burdensome but since I genuinely get pleasure out of studying, this is really nice for me.

Do you remember those Chicken Soup for the Soul books?

I always saw them all over the place when I was a kid and I’ve never read one or heard anyone talk about what they were about.

They’re so mysterious to me and I kinda wish I read one of them when I was little. At the house of a family I stayed with a lot as a child, they had a pink Chicken Soup for the Little Girls Soul or whatever it was titled book and it seemed to pop up in the oddest of places. Like, I’d see it in the living room on an end table one day then 2 hours later it would be in the bathroom then the next day it would be in the kitchen?

I think those books are cryptids and they just show up places and make you feel uncomfortable.

Like bigfoot.

Have you seen the ads for that movie called Smallfoot that’s coming out soon? It has Zendaya in it. It seems like she’s everywhere. I appreciate it though. I remember seeing Zendaya on Shake It Up when I was a kid and wanting to be her so bad. I always wanted to dress like the disney channel kids when I was little. When I look back at that I’m so glad I didn’t because oh my god. Dresses over jeans, thin sparkly scarves over sequin shirts, like 4 shirts of varying sleeve length layered on top of each other.

Why did they dress them like that?

I think it was an effort to dress them as flashy and interesting as possible while also dressing them as modestly as possible.

oooo

I have a conspiracy theory.

You know how a ton of disney channel stars go on to become mainstream famous but not many Nickelodeon stars do?

I think Ariana Grande is a test for the first mainstream famous nickelodeon star.

If you pay a lot of attention, you’ll notice that no nickelodeon stars aside from like, Kenan from Kenan and Kel have become famous beyond child stardom, yet Ariana Grande has. 

I have like no other observations but if anybody is into conspiracy theories, look into that.

I feel like I might be doing the morning pages thing wrong. I imagine that people who do morning pages have like bursts of inspiration and write these detailed diary entries but I’m over here talking about how books are like bigfoot.

I suppose I should just keep up with the brain dump thing because I don’t think I’m capable of being one of those detailed introspective writers. But that’s why you guys like to read me right? I hope it is, although I am very aware of the people who hate follow me.

I haven’t gotten a death treat in a while. Am I not being divisive enough anymore?

I kinda appreciate the lack of death threats, though.

People are silly. 

Well, here we are at 900 words.

I guess I’ll stop for now.

Uncategorized

Yelling Into the Void About Beans

Sorry I haven’t been posting a ton lately, with Mel’s death and my new job I’ve been dealing with the winning combo of being sad and busy. I’ll be really trying to place more focus onto my blog so this doesn’t die off. I love writing here and I’d like to be sure that my blog stays high on my list of priorities.

I don’t know exactly what to talk about so I’ll just ramble until I find a topic.

My hips hurt quite a bit. I stand a lot at my job and I haven’t been stretching quite as religiously so my body is revolting against me. I wonder if there’s such a thing as a hip brace. I could probably make use of that. ***edit: There is such a thing***

I feel kinda delirious today. Do you ever feel like your eyes are cloudy but your sight isn’t messed up? Like it feels like my eyes are relaxing after straining. Whenever I’m delirious, I always have interesting thoughts.

Today I was thinking a lot about how a lot of people who subscribe to what I think are fad-ish diets refuse to eat legumes.

That’s the dumbest thing to me.

I get it if you don’t like how pinto beans taste or something but there are people out there who genuinely believe that beans cause kidney failure! What’s wrong with these people!?

But I can’t get too mad at them because *not to be mean* people who eat diets like paleo, whole30, and keto don’t tend to care all too much about peer reviewed research or you know… fiber… or antioxidants… or cholesterol… or vitamin c… or healthy hormone levels (unless they can talk sh*t about soy).

Like, I see people online who talk about how beans are so unhealthy yet they eat stuff like VEAL. HEART.

oh my god.

I see these carnivore diet people promoting organ meats and using tallow as lip balm but they’re worried about peanuts?

I could internally scream about this all day.

Have you ever heard someone go on about “traditional foods”?

I saw a bunch of “traditional food” people yelling in their echo chamber about how fruit is unhealthy. FRUIT!?

That’s like the most traditional thing on earth!

Do you really think we were killing goats before we were picking grapes?

ugh.

I’m gonna work myself up if I keep thinking about the diet people.

I’ll go study now.

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You ever feel like life is looking up and then things come crashing back down?

I’ve had an eventful 2 days. I feel like a piece of garbage for not posting but there’s nothing I can do now, is there?

So yesterday, our air conditioner was acting up as usual so we did what we always do: turn off the cooling function and turn on the fans. After about 5 minutes of the fans being on, my mom smelled an electrical burning scent and next thing you know there were 4 firetrucks outside of our house.

Don’t worry (I know you wouldn’t worry anyway but bear with me), there wasn’t a real fire there just almost was one. The fan was burning out and luckily the a/c was turned off at the breaker before an actual fire could start.

So our air conditioner is absolutely ruined.

We waited for about 8 hours in the heat for the repair men to come and bring us some temporary window units, but they never came. My mom eventually got fed up and we ended up packing everyone up and transporting the animals and ourselves to a motel for the night. I slept for roughly 3 hours because the animals kept getting loud and scratching at their crates, keeping my mom and I up.

Now we’re back at home and my moms friends brought us some window a/c units. It’s still hot in the house but it’s getting better.

You ever notice how things like this never happen when you’re at an ok place in life? It’s always when everything you care about is down the drain.

ugh I wanna be angry and negative so bad but it seems like every time I express the full range of human emotion people get mad at me.

I really should’ve made this blog anonymous.

 

 

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things i’m gonna get better at

this post is gonna be lowercase again because i have next to no energy.

sometimes when bad things happen to me i use that as a catalyst for change and this recent tragedy hasn’t done that for me so i’m gonna motivate myself artificially.

here’s some things i’m gonna get better at:

  • singing
  • russian
  • dancing
  • balance
  • flexibility
  • being less easily brought to tears
  • caligraphy
  • drawing

today i really thought about the future i want, a future where i feel really appreciated and wanted and i’ve made the epiphany that if i want to attract high caliber things/opportunities/people then i need to be a high caliber person. once i have my big break people are gonna say “wow she’s a natural” and i won’t correct them but inside i’ll know that i did things myself and they didn’t come to me.

that sounds so cheesy and pinterest-y.

i sound like one of those soundcloud rappers who always talks about the grind, whatever that is.

but i swear to you these things are gonna happen in my life:

  • i’m gonna be famous
  • i’m gonna have a fulfilling marriage
  • i’m gonna have a bunch of extremely happy pets
  • i’m gonna have hip length hair (in it’s natural state)
  • i’m gonna have enough money to just buy things and not worry

i don’t believe in hippy shit like the law of attraction but i do believe in the chase and this chick is gonna chase for the rest of her life.

i can’t believe i called myself a chick. honestly i just didn’t wanna say “this b*tch” because my family reads my blog but who cares anymore.

we’re all gonna die.

does that counteract the awful pinterest quoteness of this post?

you know who the worst type of person is?

people who just spout quotes at you when you feel bad as though some regurgitated string of words from ghandi is gonna make you stop crying. those people suck.

in general optimists like that annoy me to no end. i try not to discuss my disdain for blind optimism too much because people tend to get mad at me when i mention that i may even in the slightest be a pessimist as though that’s like being a criminal, but who cares, as  i said before: we’re all gonna die.

as a side note, i don’t think people tend to understand the tone of my posts. this is exemplified when people get extremely concerned over posts that are neutral in tone at worst while being happy for me when i make posts that for me are extremely sad and full of pain. i don’t think a lot of people understand my speech patterns.

i wish i was tough enough to always say what’s on my mind but i’m not at all.

i’m so scared of people who know me sending me discouraging emails and stuff like that.

& please don’t tell me to not care about what other people think either because i have some bad news: what other people think of you is all that you are to them.

like, people always act in this moral nihilist way where they say to “do you” and “don’t worry what others think” as though your actions don’t have consequences or greater social implications. the worst part of this is that they do it under the guise of acceptance and optimism as if what they’re implying isn’t the most dark sh*t in the world!

you especially see this from anti-vegans as thought the meat industry (and supporting it) doesn’t cause immense suffering, but who cares what i think right?

i’m just rambling and complaining right now aren’t i?

let’s end this post here.

Uncategorized

I want my little guy back.

I’m not in a good place right now.

I’m so, so crushed by Marshmallow’s death so I’ve resigned myself to just studying for as long as I can so I don’t have to think about anything but words.

I can’t even come within like 6 feet of Mel’s hutch because I get nauseous and start shaking when I see his half eaten bags of treats and his half full water bottle.

I’ve been writing half page diary entries recently because I just have so much to say but I don’t wanna say it on here so I haven’t posted and then that makes me feel like a failure because I really take pride in keeping up with my blog.

It feels like everything in life is a catch 22.

My chihuahuas know there’s something wrong with me so they won’t leave my side. It’s so nice to see how much animals can sense my intentions. Mel could always tell I was looking out for him. He only ever bit me once and it was because he missed a dried cranberry I was feeding him.

He was such a tough little dude and it feels awful to know just how fragile he was.

I’ve been drawing more because I can’t get Mel off of my mind, so I’ve been drawing portraits of him.

I hate that my last memory of him is crying over his blanketed body on the floor. I wish my last memory could’ve been me comforting him as he drifts off but instead his last moments were consumed with terror.

I feel so god awful.

I feel so guilty.

I’ve stopped crying every other hour like I did for the past few days and so far I’ve only cried once today.

I can’t wait until I feel the resolve inside myself to go back to normal but right now I’m just ruined.

I’ve been playing BTS in the background of my day today. I never felt a strong connection to Spring Day by BTS but now when hear it I think of Mel. I guess it’s nice to feel a connection.

I don’t know how to end this post.

I don’t know anything right now.

Uncategorized

I’m Crushed

My sweet boy Marshmallow died this morning.

I don’t know what happened but somehow he got out of his hutch and I think the french bulldogs scared him to death.

I feel so awful because I feel like it’s my fault for not reinforcing the closure on his hutch. I feel like if I woke up when he got out I could’ve saved him.

I had so many plans for Mel.

I wanted him to be the ring bearer at my wedding . I wanted him to finally be able to free roam 24/7 whenever I get my own home. I wanted to get professional pictures taken with him. I wanted to start taking him for walks in the stroller I got for him.

Honestly I just wish I could’ve said good morning. His favorite part of the day was when I’d wake him up by saying good morning and then I’d give him his vitamin c supplement.

He has so many treats left.

I wish he could’ve eaten them all.

I’m just crushed.

I hope in heaven he’s eating all the apples he wants. They were his favorite.

I’ve been crying on and off since 8am and I still feel like I have more tears left.

I don’t know what to do but I’ll give you some pictures of my pretty boy.

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grinding down his chompers

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getting kisses

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baby picture!
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his first time meeting peanut

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i really believe he loved me

 

 

Processed with VSCO with t1 preset
marshmallows first strawberry
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size comparison
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he thought he was sneaky

thank you so much for reading.

Marshmallow loved attention so he’d be happy to know people are reading about him and admiring how handsome he was.

I love you marshmallow

lifestyle

Travelers Notebook!

I got my first ever Travelers Notebook in the mail yesterday!

So excited!!!!

**✿❀ ❀✿**

I’ll just give a rundown of how I’ll be using it before I link to my TN setup video below.

I’ll be using one insert as a catchall creative space, one as a sketchbook, one to write a sentence in another language each day, one as a diary, and a folder insert to hold stickers!

I think I’ll probably add in an insert so I can take notes when I learn new things on the go.

here’s a link to my setup video!

Setup Video!

Uncategorized

another post about illness

I had to go back to carenow today because I spiked a fever around 6 am.

They were super accomodating and I got new stronger antibiotics so hopefully I’ll get better.

I’ll just talk about how I feel for the rest of this post, ok?

Well…

I’m nauseous and bloated from my antibiotics, my chest still hurts when I take deep breaths but not quite as much as it did on Monday, I have simultaneously no appetite and a ton of cravings, I occasionally cough up a lung (this is helped a lot by the cough syrup I was prescribed), I’m so tired.

So, yeah, I’m getting better so don’t worry about me.

Just wanted to update you.