I’m not in a good place right now.
I’m so, so crushed by Marshmallow’s death so I’ve resigned myself to just studying for as long as I can so I don’t have to think about anything but words.
I can’t even come within like 6 feet of Mel’s hutch because I get nauseous and start shaking when I see his half eaten bags of treats and his half full water bottle.
I’ve been writing half page diary entries recently because I just have so much to say but I don’t wanna say it on here so I haven’t posted and then that makes me feel like a failure because I really take pride in keeping up with my blog.
It feels like everything in life is a catch 22.
My chihuahuas know there’s something wrong with me so they won’t leave my side. It’s so nice to see how much animals can sense my intentions. Mel could always tell I was looking out for him. He only ever bit me once and it was because he missed a dried cranberry I was feeding him.
He was such a tough little dude and it feels awful to know just how fragile he was.
I’ve been drawing more because I can’t get Mel off of my mind, so I’ve been drawing portraits of him.
I hate that my last memory of him is crying over his blanketed body on the floor. I wish my last memory could’ve been me comforting him as he drifts off but instead his last moments were consumed with terror.
I feel so god awful.
I feel so guilty.
I’ve stopped crying every other hour like I did for the past few days and so far I’ve only cried once today.
I can’t wait until I feel the resolve inside myself to go back to normal but right now I’m just ruined.
I’ve been playing BTS in the background of my day today. I never felt a strong connection to Spring Day by BTS but now when hear it I think of Mel. I guess it’s nice to feel a connection.
I don’t know how to end this post.
I don’t know anything right now.