Do you ever think something and then immediately feel like a bad person?
I do that at least 7 times a day.
I don’t know if this is a universal experience or if this is caused by my focus on being a “good, righteous person” but it causes me a lot of distress.
For example, I like to believe that I’m a very body positive person and honestly when I look at most people I see beauty, but I don’t offer myself the same luxury. I’ll think to myself “nobody will ever romantically love you because of your looks”, “your body is disgusting”, “you need surgery or else you’ll never be liked” and almost immediately after having thoughts like this a second thought crosses my mind.
“You’re a hypocrite”
“You don’t really care about others”
“Nobody will ever love you because you’re so negative”
These thoughts also have a second road to go down where my retaliation will be more along the lines of:
“You care too much about what others think”
“You should be independent and have an idgaf attitude like other people your age”
I think the second line of thought is less hurtful for me because honestly, I believe that there’s nothing wrong with being concerned about what others think. I think that it shows that you care and is a very good motivator (for me) to improve. I also believe that the common carefree attitude that a lot of people my age have is very unattractive and makes them seem like *ssholes.
I just often feel like an immoral person because I think degrading thoughts about myself and others. It makes me feel like I’m in solitary confinement in this flesh prison I’ve been cursed with.
I feel like it would be a very bad idea to air ut most of the thoughts I have but I’ll give another example that’s more me-centric so I don’t make myself seem like a complete c*nt.
I’ll sometimes see couples in which a woman in the relationship looks nothing like me. This makes me completely seethe. I feel so guilty about it because I know I should be happy for others, but it just makes me feel like nobody likes girls who look like me when I see people in happy relationships who share no physical traits with me.
Before you leave a comment along the lines of telling me I’m pretty or telling me personality matters more, I’d like to finish talking.
When I have these envious mean thoughts, I always try to make myself feel validated with the thoughts about my personality (which I believe is great) or I try to convince myself that I am not the ugliest human to ever live (very hard to do), but I manage to logic my way out of that every time. When I try to convince myself of the importance of personality, I very quickly remind myself of the tons upon tons of people who are in fact superficial. I know I shouldn’t desire these people either, but here comes another way to make myself feel bad. I tell myself that everyone is superficial. Now I’m backed into a corner and what happens next? ED urges. When I try to convince myself that I possess even a modicum of good looks, I do something that also makes me feel like a bad person: I look at people I think are ugly. I know I shouldn’t be judging peoples looks but I do it. Sadly when I look at people I find ugly, all I notice are similarities to myself. So that makes me feel awful too.
I wish I felt desirable ever but I genuinely never do. I think a small amount of outside validation from people I have feelings for would genuinely help me and… guess what… that makes me feel awful too.
I feel codependent, I feel attention seeking, I feel like I don’t receive validation for a reason (my looks).
I just wish I could find a solution to this.
Whatever, I just suck.