Just Livin, Baby

What am I doing today?

Read the title.

It’s halloween and I don’t have a costume, but I don’t really have anywhere to wear a costume so it’s fine.

I feel a little sad about it because I love to wear costumes though.

I can wear a costume any day though, it’s not illegal.


I honestly don’t know what I’ve discussed on here in the past few days so I may reiterate something I’ve said before.

I got scheduled like double my normal hours at work this week, so that’s something happening in my life. Today is my day off.

Lately it’s felt like my body clock has been resetting. I’ve been going to bed a lot later than normal and having a tough time waking up as a result of that. I’m normally quite proud of being an early to bed early to rise person but as of late I’ve gone to bed at like¬†midnight.

That’s crazy.

I normally go to bed at like 9.

I’m gonna try to retransition my sleeping schedule so I can start going to bed earlier again.

I hate waking up late. It feels like I missed something.


Ok, now I have to discuss something that has taken over my day.

However you think this is gonna go, you’re probably wrong.

I watched a video of a baby dying today.

Essentially the video showed a recently born baby in the NICU attached to a lot of machinery and his family around him watching him die.

The thing about the video and the reason it’s going around twitter is that the baby waves and then holds his moms hand before he dies.

Sad right?

Well I’ve been laughing all day because of it.

No, I don’t think an infant dying is funny.

At the beginning of the video, you can hear a family member say “He really ain’t got no neck.” (This was clarified by the original poster of the video that that was to break the ice in the tense room.)

 

I thought that was the funniest thing I’ve heard in a while.

Imagine.

You’re in the NICU. A family members newborn son is dying in front of you. The room is tense. You need to make this moment better for everyone in the room.

And what comes to mind to break the ice?

 

“He really ain’t got no neck”

Imagine that being the last thing you hear!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

So now whenever I see anything bad happening to someone, I say “He really ain’t got no neck.”

It hasn’t gotten old and I’ve said it like 50 times today.

Just wanted to share that with the whole internet.

Thanks for reading.

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I Voted!

I voted for the first time today!

I really wanted tot take a picture of myself with an I voted sticker but they ran out of them!

I really wanted that sticker ūüė¶

But I’m super happy to have participated in the voting process.

I don’t have much else to talk about today aside from that…

I worked…

I’m gonna stream on Twitch at 7:30 ish tonight so if you wanna join my stream here’s my link:¬†https://www.twitch.tv/dearmikah

My Plan for Winter

It feels like this blog is just gonna become a compilation of me complaining about how I’m dissatisfied with my life.

I just want everything in my life to go well but it feels like that won’t be happening.

So.

Let’s discuss the plan.

Yesterday I spent a while in an existential state of discomfort because I remembered that death is inevitable so at some point I’ll have to do something so I don’t die a nobody.

As I always do, I made a to do list.

The plan lasts over the course of the rest of 2018 and the entirety of 2019.

I won’t give out details because I keep my tricks secret, but I’ll tell you the plan for November.

Since my work schedule will be increasing in hours, I’m gonna probably lose sleep for the sake of this but essentially:

  • blog daily
  • post on instagram daily
  • follow my tumblr post schedule (that I set up in September and have yet to follow)
  • Stream on Twitch at least 4 times a week
  • promo promo promo
  • take as many photos as possible (even if it’s a photo of grass, blog posts with photos get more reads)
  • study 1 hour every day

I sang on Twitch yesterday and was very pleasantly surprised that people thought I was good at all. My next big purchase will be a sufficient microphone so that I can record higher quality audio of my voice because it turns out I’m not the least talented person on earth.

The ultimate dream is to make a career out of singing (my plan is basically to replicate Troye Sivan but not make Troye Sivan-esque music), so November is basically a month to try to build an audience to want to listen to me.

I don’t know if you’ve heard a lot about how Destiny’s Child trained, but I’ll give you a basic idea of it.

In the summer, Matthew Knowles would put the girls through “summer camp” where they would do things like jog while singing (to increase their lung capacity), dance for hours, diet (this one is only a rumor), and take long voice lessons.

I want to do a “summer camp” for myself.

I’ve decided my “summer camp” will be from November to the beginning of January.

I’m not only going to be putting a lot of effort into my planned endeavors, I’ll also be putting a lot of effort into things like the health of my hair and remembering to take vitamins, and pushing myself further in my stretches. Daily things that can build up, you know?

I’m gonna be better.

I’m gonna be the best at something.

I’m gonna sound like less of a crazy person. (that’s the comedic relief if you didn’t catch on)

Ok.

I’ll keep you updated on my self improvement hopefully.

I have to go to work in 2 hours and I need to shower so I should do that now so my hair will be even the slightest bit dry by the time I’m at work, so I’ll leave you right now.

When Will My Moment in the Spotlight Come?

It’s so hard to pinpoint what people like in this world.

Of course there are general things that people like, like seasoned food and not dying, but I can’t seem to find anything that I have a passion for that can really resonate with people.

I wish I was a person who could just do things for myself but honestly I think if people don’t want what I have to offer, then what I’m doing is completely worthless and as a result of that I’m worthless.

I just want people to like me for once.

Maybe that’s why nothing I do resonates with anyone. Because I’m just innately unlikable.

Ugh.

Even this entry is probably gonna be insufferable for people because they’ll think I’m fishing for compliments or pity. (please don’t leave feel good reassuring ingenuine comments on this)

I think there’s just something about me that nobody can stand. That’s why people are mean to me.

I should just stop trying to do anything and be like all the people I know who just go to college and vape all day.

They seem happier. (and they have more followers on twitter for some reason)

But of course the modicum of attention I receive now is satisfying in the moment but I want my validation to be constant.

Yesterday I watched a video from Drew Gooden about the Olsen twins and how their childhood as celebrities ruined them.

Even when I see how child stars tend to have wounded psyches, I wish I had that.

I wish I wasn’t going to every corner of the internet to try to find people who have even the slightest interest in me. I wish I had people who wanted to take pictures with me when they see me out in public. I wish I didn’t feel behind in life.

I just don’t know what to do because I know I’m not talented enough to become “mainstream famous” yet I also don’t seem to be interesting, funny, or pretty enough to get any attention on the internet.

At least I don’t when I try to express myself in any way.

I’m sure if I was one of those minimalist, marble floor, gucci slides, kardashian hair “instagram models” I could track down 1000 instagram followers pretty quickly but that aesthetic is nauseating to imagine myself partaking in.

Yesterday on twitch I was told to change my blog theme because it looks childish but what the hell do you want?

Another boring black and white minimalist website design!?
They’re everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Throw a dart at a dartboard covered in the names of bloggers and you’ll likely hit a blogger with a “sleek” “refined” blog design.

And you know what I think about those websites?

I think they’re visually displeasing, they’re unoriginal, they have no defining traits, and they feel mass-produced. But above all they are nothing like what a website dedicated to me or my image should look like.

How could anyone observe me, the way I dress, the way I speak, the images I put online and think “hmm, a sleek squarespace style website would really fit her image”!?

I’m just so angry.

I feel like an absolute unadulterated failure.

I wish and pray every day for someone to see something in me but it feels like nobody does.

I’m just the girl that works at a clothing store for all intents and purposes.

It sucks to not matter.

Ok.

Plan of action.

Goal: be relevant

I’m gonna make a very detailed list in the notes of my planner today as to how I’m gonna achieve my various goals. I don’t want anyone to know my steps because I don’t want my life to seem too planned, even though everything I do in life is very specifically planned.

Ok.

Things will be ok.

I will be happy some day.

I won’t always be a nobody.

I’ll seem interesting to someone at some point.

Some day someone will ask for a picture with me.

Some day I’ll have an audience.

I won’t die alone.

I’m trying to tell myself things to ward off the impending feeling of doom that I’ll die never having mattered.

I think I’m having a breakdown.

When I read this post it sounds super manic.

I just want attention to be honest. It feels like for my whole life I’ve always gotten so close to my moment in the spotlight but I’m always overshadowed.

I’m the understudy of the world and it sucks.

I want to be the lead, godd*mn it!

Planning, Twitch, and Gummy Bear Earrings

Today I feel like I have quite a bit more to write about compared to yesterday.

I spent a lot of time bullet journaling and planning over the course of last night and this morning and I feel like I have my whole life together.

OK, not necessarily my whole life, but I feel more put together than normal.

I’m trying to not give myself too many goals that depend on others (i.e blog views, subscribers) but I’ve been setting a lot of goals.

I’ve also been budgeting quite a bit and I made some little savings goal doodads on paypal for the various expensive things I’m saving up for.

I took some advice from the comments on my Focusing on My Finances post for my new budgeting technique.

I’ve made specific paypal goals for even frivolous things like obsessive ebay purchases and Lirika Matoshi socks, alongside more long term and rational goals of course.

I don’t think those items are frivolous though…

I’ve also made some hand written business cards for myself to hand out when I meet new people at those college “this is what college is” events and whenever I get too close to someone in real life upon first meeting (happens too often).


I’ve developed a new love of live streaming.

I’ve been livestreaming a few of my study sessions and bullet journaling moments, and I really love being able to talk to people in a live chat.

I made a twitch account because I’ve heard it’s easier to find talkative people on twitch than on youtube where I’ve done my past streams.

I think twitch is pretty cool.

I wrote it off at first because it’s mostly known for video game streams and I have no interest in watching someone play Player Unknown Battlegrounds, but I found out the other day that you can kinda do whatever you want on there (aside from nudity and lewd behavior of course). Also Jenna Marbles and Julien Solomita spend a lot of time on there and Jenna is one of my biggest inspirations so it would be sacrilege¬†for me to not at least watch her twitch streams.

I think I’ll be doing my future study streams on twitch.

If you wanna follow me on there here’s my link:¬†twitch.tv/dearmikah


I’m hopefully getting an exciting package in the mail today!

I ordered some stuff from PeachesandParfait on etsy and I’ve been eagerly awaiting the arrival of my order.

This may sound odd, but I’ve always wanted earrings that look like gummy bears…

AND THEY SELL THEM so of course I had to get a pair (alongside some other things…)

If the ones I ordered are nice I’m gonna buy them in every color.

There’s something that’s the perfect amount of kitshcy about gummy bears. I feel like other similar candies like gummy worms lean younger while having no candy themed things in your life screams “boring”.

So I’m super excited about my gummy bear earrings (I also got some gummy bear charms to put on everything).


I’m gonna start training for my manager position at work soon.

I’m excited!

I got to do a few managerial things at work yesterday and it was nice. I got to do a lot of non-division math and I quite enjoyed that.

Something people don’t know about me/ expect of me is that I really like math. When I was in geometry I never got below a 97 on a report card and fractions have always been very easy and almost come second nature for me.


Ok, I’m gonna end this post here.

Thank you for reading!

Nothing to Write About

I should’ve written earlier.

I really have nothing on my mind though.

I went to work earlier than normal this morning so I couldn’t have posted in the morning unless I was up earlier and inspired, but I got off work early so I should’ve written right as I got home.

I didn’t do that of course, because why would I do something rational?

I looked through twitter to see if maybe I could find something to comment on but nobody is posting about any debatable topic today.

I wish today was an eventful day and I could do a day in the life that’s worth anything but I literally woke up, went to work, came home and bullet journalled, and now I’m blogging.

ughhhhhhh…..

I can’t think of anything to write about!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m just gonna give you guys some photos.

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This weeks bullet journal spread
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another photo of me in my new hoodie
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my laptop with some squishies on it. they help me write.