It’s so hard to pinpoint what people like in this world.
Of course there are general things that people like, like seasoned food and not dying, but I can’t seem to find anything that I have a passion for that can really resonate with people.
I wish I was a person who could just do things for myself but honestly I think if people don’t want what I have to offer, then what I’m doing is completely worthless and as a result of that I’m worthless.
I just want people to like me for once.
Maybe that’s why nothing I do resonates with anyone. Because I’m just innately unlikable.
Even this entry is probably gonna be insufferable for people because they’ll think I’m fishing for compliments or pity. (please don’t leave feel good reassuring ingenuine comments on this)
I think there’s just something about me that nobody can stand. That’s why people are mean to me.
I should just stop trying to do anything and be like all the people I know who just go to college and vape all day.
They seem happier. (and they have more followers on twitter for some reason)
But of course the modicum of attention I receive now is satisfying in the moment but I want my validation to be constant.
Yesterday I watched a video from Drew Gooden about the Olsen twins and how their childhood as celebrities ruined them.
Even when I see how child stars tend to have wounded psyches, I wish I had that.
I wish I wasn’t going to every corner of the internet to try to find people who have even the slightest interest in me. I wish I had people who wanted to take pictures with me when they see me out in public. I wish I didn’t feel behind in life.
I just don’t know what to do because I know I’m not talented enough to become “mainstream famous” yet I also don’t seem to be interesting, funny, or pretty enough to get any attention on the internet.
At least I don’t when I try to express myself in any way.
I’m sure if I was one of those minimalist, marble floor, gucci slides, kardashian hair “instagram models” I could track down 1000 instagram followers pretty quickly but that aesthetic is nauseating to imagine myself partaking in.
Yesterday on twitch I was told to change my blog theme because it looks childish but what the hell do you want?
Another boring black and white minimalist website design!?
Throw a dart at a dartboard covered in the names of bloggers and you’ll likely hit a blogger with a “sleek” “refined” blog design.
And you know what I think about those websites?
I think they’re visually displeasing, they’re unoriginal, they have no defining traits, and they feel mass-produced. But above all they are nothing like what a website dedicated to me or my image should look like.
How could anyone observe me, the way I dress, the way I speak, the images I put online and think “hmm, a sleek squarespace style website would really fit her image”!?
I’m just so angry.
I feel like an absolute unadulterated failure.
I wish and pray every day for someone to see something in me but it feels like nobody does.
I’m just the girl that works at a clothing store for all intents and purposes.
It sucks to not matter.
Plan of action.
Goal: be relevant
I’m gonna make a very detailed list in the notes of my planner today as to how I’m gonna achieve my various goals. I don’t want anyone to know my steps because I don’t want my life to seem too planned, even though everything I do in life is very specifically planned.
Things will be ok.
I will be happy some day.
I won’t always be a nobody.
I’ll seem interesting to someone at some point.
Some day someone will ask for a picture with me.
Some day I’ll have an audience.
I won’t die alone.
I’m trying to tell myself things to ward off the impending feeling of doom that I’ll die never having mattered.
I think I’m having a breakdown.
When I read this post it sounds super manic.
I just want attention to be honest. It feels like for my whole life I’ve always gotten so close to my moment in the spotlight but I’m always overshadowed.
I’m the understudy of the world and it sucks.
I want to be the lead, godd*mn it!