oh no

I’m going to college.

Damn it.

None of this stuff felt final until today.

I’m so, so painfully terrified.

For much of my life I’ve never really thought about my future in too straight forward of terms because honestly, I thought I’d kill myself before anything important is meant to happen. Now I’m at a mental state where suicide isn’t a frequent thought, so everything seems very important.

Now I care about things like my credit score and the prospect of having children, and I’m freaking the hell out.

In the semester I’ve taken off before I eventually enter college in January, I’ve felt a combination of weight lifted off of my shoulders and a deep sense of impending doom.

The weight lifted from my shoulders is mainly caused by:

  • fewer negative social interactions
  • a lower incidence of me being in competitive situations
  • forcing myself to imagine a future in which I’m happy (a very hard task)
  • taking better care of myself (because I have the time to)

The impending sense of doom arises because:

  • It feels like I’m gonna have to go to college if I don’t want to disappoint everyone in my life.
  • I don’t want to go to college even the slightest bit.
  • I’m very good at creating apocalypse like scenarios in my mind.
  • I feel like I’m a decade behind where I should be in life by now.
  • I feel as though all passion I have for the things in life I enjoy is lessening by the day.

So where does that leave me?

Crying at my desk while typing out a blog post that’s gonna make my family mad.

It feels like it’s not safe for me to tell anyone how I feel because everyone dismisses my feelings whenever I talk about them so I’m left yelling into the void.

I should have never applied to college.

I know I won’t be able to handle being labeled a college drop out so I’m gonna have to finish this and that’s gonna leave me more than 50,000 dollars in debt most likely.

It feels like I spend more than 3 hours a day fantasizing about a hypothetical future where I’m happy and every day it feels less and less likely that that future will never come.

I have such big dreams and they’re never gonna come true.

It feels so crushing to see my future self as a failure when it really shouldn’t because I’ve failed at everything I’ve tried so far in life, so it probably wont be a new feeling.

ugh.

I’m not talented enough to make anything of myself in entertainment, I’m not smart enough to do smart people stuff, I’m not subservient enough to do office type work, I’m not pretty enough to get a sugar daddy, I’m not friendly enough to have a rich friend.

I can’t do anything so why try?

And you know what sucks the most?

The responses to this that I envision getting.

Whatever, if you can’t handle me venting about how my dreams are in shambles, you probably won’t be able to watch me fail as bad as I inevitably will.

I feel guilty about feeling as terrible as I do because things could be worse. I could be starving, I could be locked in a basement, I could’ve been murdered when I was 14. But that doesn’t change how I feel.

And how I feel is awful.

I’ll probably end up writing something similar to this for the next few blog posts so I’ll end this one here.

Thanks for reading.

Sorry I’m a downer.

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