Vomiting Up Water


It’s been a few days, hasn’t it.

Well I’ve had an eventful time.

Monday was my first day of college.

I started my time off right by showing up to my first class 12 minutes late, so that’s great.

Samoa also got neutered on Monday.

Not a ton happened, but it was just generally draining.

Then on Tuesday I had another day of classes, also soul crushing, but Tuesday began my great saga of vomit.

Between my second and third class of the day, I had to rush to the bathroom to vomit.

So that was cool.

And then in the afternoon on Wednesday I began a wonderful pattern of vomiting roughly every 45 minutes.

Yesterday I went to CareNow and they say I have some unspecified virus so now I’m just sitting around. I think I’m gonna try to do homework ahead of time or something but I don’t know.

I wasn’t able to keep down water until like noon yesterday but I’ve only puked twice since then so… me: 1 unspecified virus: 0

I don’t know, I’m having a hard time forming thoughts.

I’ll write on here again some other time.


The Terror of Life Consumes Me, What’s New?

*trigger warning: mentions of suicide, self chastisement, general pessimism*

nothing ever goes the way i plan.

i wanted to come home from work and write out another disney post, but here i am now freaking out and feeling awful.

tomorrow is my first day of college.

i feel like i’m the worst person alive.

i’ve always hoped that i’d be successful before this time so that i can forego college in pursuit of something i actually may enjoy but here i am. i’ve failed my childhood self.

and i think i’m going to keep failing my childhood self.

i wish when i was a kid i put myself out there more.

i wish i went to more than one audition for a talent agency as a child. maybe if i had done that i’d be happy now and i wouldn’t be rocketing myself into a torturous cesspool only to leave with a useless sheet of paper and thousands of dollars of debt.

i wish i played sports as a kid so that now i could maybe have a body closer to the one i desire.

but i can’t change the past so i’m stuck in the present craving the sweet release of death.

i wouldn’t say i’m suicidal per say, i’d just say i jump to suicidal ideation faster than i should. i won’t kill myself though because that would make my mom too sad. i’ll just make her marginally less sad by continuing to be the failure i’m destined to be.

i’m constantly trying to make my life better.

i’m always making some plan for how i’m going to like my body more or develop some skill but nothing ever comes of anything i try. i think i’m setting myself up to fail. i don’t think i try hard enough at anything. i wish i wasn’t so useless.

some people are untalented but they have a great work ethic, i think i’m just untalented and lazy.

i’m not even pretty enough to coast by on looks.

i hope college isn’t the torturous process is suspect it will be, but my optimism on that front is minimal.

it sucks when you see people enjoying themselves doing things you hate.

my mom said she thinks i’d like living in a dorm because i’d have the college experience but i’m thinking there will never be any experience that i enjoy.

i think i’m gonna live the life i see so many people living where they finish school, scramble for a few years, and then work a job they hate until they die.

i always seem stuck in a limbo of self assessment.

i think i’m a painfully untalented and worthless human while also thinking i’m special in some way that could save me from a life of mediocrity.

i just have so many things to say but i don’t know if i should say them.

the thing that sucks about the internet is that whenever someone vents their negative emotions, hoards of assholes think they’re fishing for sympathy.


i just…

don’t understand anything yet.

i feel like i have the grasp on the world of a 7th grader.

i can never understand the tone people are speaking with. i can’t read a room. i don’t know how to talk to people. i’m socially inept.

and it’s not even cute. at this point it’s just weird because i’m an adult with the social skills of a bullied 12 year old.

and i can’t seem to find anything to enjoy nowadays.

i’ve reached a state where i can’t listen to music because i just compare myself to the musician. i think of how i can’t play any instruments well, i’m a barely passable singer, i’m not pretty, i can’t dance, i’m not even lucky.

i can enjoy my pets, but it seems like every time i interact with them i have a moment of remembering their mortality. i don’t think i’ll be able to handle their deaths if i’m in this state when it happens.

i’m having a tough time finding the motivation to study now. i just feel like i’ll never have any use for any language i could learn because i’m gonna end up living a mediocre life and never leaving the U.S.

i think i have such lofty expectations and such fairy tale like dreams that i never feel satisfied even when things go well.

i have a very specific fantasy that i’d like to marry, lose my virginity to, and never divorce the first person i date. this fantasy (that has become an expectation) is leading me to be scared to date. but of course that’s not too much of an issue because nobody ever approaches me, so i guess i’ll deal with that in the future.

that’s just one example of me basically sabotaging myself because i’m scared of things not working out 100%. 97% or god forbid 85% are nightmarish for me.

i want to stand out.

i want something to be exclusively about me.

i want people to get excited about me.

i want to draw attention.

i’ve never been an attention getter.

i’m a supporting character in my own life.

i’m not even the most important person to myself, how can i be the most important person to someone else?

but of course when i think a thought like that i dissuade myself from seeking self love because of how insufferable i find people who talk about their self love journeys and their self acceptance. that’s probably just bitterness on my part though.

i think it may seem to people who read my blog that i live my regular life for a moth doing relatively ok and then roughly once a month i have a moment of terror and write out a melodramatic blog post. i’d like to inform anyone with that impression, that that is not the case.

the feelings i express in my downer posts follow me everywhere i go, every waking moment.

when i’m out in public i scan the body of everyone i see and meticuluosly compare it to my own. when i sing to myself i think of how i’m doing whatever song i’m singing a disservice simply but uttering the lyrics. whenever i look into my planner and see the upcoming months i think of how each month will go worse than i expect which it consistently does. when i see photos of myself as a child i feel rage at my stupid self for not trying to do anything. when i have dreams about my ideal future i awaken feeling crushing emptiness at the fact that those dreams wont come true.

god, i sound like i’m on my death bed or something.

i could really keep this post going for like 10,000 words but i think i need to cry unhindered for a while. so i suppose i’ll end this here.

i’ll probably write a similarly upset post tomorrow after my classes.


Orlando Day 3: Animal Kingdom

Hello again!

I just got home from work and I want to blog so…

Next disney post!

*warning, lots and lots of photos ahead*

We pretty much sped from our room out to the park this day. We had an early reservation at one of me and my mom’s favorite restaurants in all of disney: Tusker House!

Christmas stuff is still out!

When you enter the park there’s a long stretch of mostly foliage that make great backdrops for photos. Just fyi.

Waiting to get called in to eat.
I really like the “Africa” area in Animal Kingdom. It feels like an actual place rather than an artificial theme park (which it is).
First POG juice of the trip!
They’re keeping it from me because they know I’ll drink like 40 dollars worth of juice if I had full access to it.

My futile attempts at capturing the decor.

Our meal was really great. The food there is wonderful and it’s a really comfortable environment.

We were seated next to this japanese family that kept making my mom and I laugh. When we entered the restaurant I heard one of them say (in Japanese) “if this is supposed to be in Africa why is nobody black?” A valid question. They also had like 7 cameras between them and it was funny to see them take 4 pictures and you think they’re done, then they pull out 3 more cameras.

After finishing up at Tusker House we went over into Pandora for our fast pass. Pandora is a new addition since the last time I visited disney and it’s super cool.

Do you see the sign that says end of line? The line for Flight of Passage was 5 hours long. The line goes into the Africa section of the park.
I didn’t think that the floating mountains would be as cool as they are but they’re so cool!

All of the real and fake botany in this area is so scene setting.
self centered.

This is the view of the floating mountains from the fast pass entrance to… Navi River Journey!

Please excuse the upcoming blurry photos, the boat is in constant motion but I wanted to get some photos on the ride to show you guys.

There’s a navi dude back there (I think he’s in the movie, but I’ve never seen avatar).

these leaves jiggle like there’s something hopping on them. That terrified my mom.

These dudes are so cute!!! (they’re called hexapedes) I seriously considered buying a stuffed animal one.

This is like the coolest animatronic ever. Shes like 10 feet tall and the movements are like there’s a giant human in body paint.

We sadly didn’t get a fast pass for flight of passage so we didn’t get to ride that on our trip 😦 I don’t think there’s much I’d wait 5 hours for. Maybe if I could meet Li Shang from Mulan… He’s cute… Maybe not 5 hours in line cute, though.

And with this we exit Pandora.

The next thing we did was the Gorilla Falls walking trail. My mom mainly waited for me to fully observe everything while giggling at me.

When I walked up to the okapi viewing are I heard a full grown lady, probably 40-something years old exclaim “I didn’t know there were brown zebras!” Sometimes I forget there are people who know nothing about animals.
I wish I got a good picture of this mouse. He was so cute. I want pet mice again 😦
Naked mole rats!

There were a load of these african cichlids all over.
These 2 are giving a concert to…
All of these babies!
I call Peanut my meerkat so looking at them made me miss her even more 😦
It made me super sad to see the gorillas in captivity. I have really conflicted feelings about animals in captivity but I very specifically have a distaste for primates in captivity. I don’t know, sometimes I think they could have an opportunity to live a better life under human care in cases like rhinos and fish but… ugh this is supposed to be a fun post so I’ll talk about animal ethics another day.

After we finished the walking trail, we didn’t really know what to do so we walked over to the tree of life to go watch It’s Tough To Be A Bug.

When we were on our way there, they were letting the macaws do their flight and when one flew over our heads, a guy walking in front of my mom and I said “look a toucan!” and now my mom and I call every bird we see a toucan.

It’s so so so cool. When I was a kid this tree terrified me, though. I just don;t like things that are too big. When the Honey I Shrunk The Kids playground was still open at disney I burst into hysteric sobbing because big stuff just terrifies me. I still freak out when I think about living in a big house.
More pun posters. I really wanted to get a picture of the “Little Shop of Hornets” poster but I couldn’t get into this corner.
Ceiling of the theater.

After that we had another fast pass for Expedition Everest! To my knowledge Expedition Everest is the first roller coaster I ever rode. I get really nostalgic when I think of it.

Take note of the wait time.

No ride photos, sorry. But after this ride, we went to eat. We went to Yak and Yeti because we didn’t have any reservations for lunch. We sat there for a pretty long time and I made some new friends…



I pet one of the ducks… I know that’s irresponsible but I can’t help myself.

Next thing on the docket: Festival of the Lion King!

This was our 3rd fast pass and it’s one of the best uses of a fast pass in my opinion.

We didn’t really have much else to do until Rivers of Light. We kinda strolled about for a while. We wanted to see the Finding Nemo musical, but the last show of the day started just as we started making our way over to see it. That sucks, I wanted to see the puppets.

So we had the first dole whips of the trip.

And then we went over to the Maharaja Jungle Trek. My mom sat outside while I went through, her feet were hurting.

So this is a Komodo Dragon. I have a story about Komodo Dragons. 

I’ve never been any of my teachers favorite student, mainly because I have a tendency to correct them. When I was in fourth grade we were talking about reptiles and my teacher asked us for examples of reptiles and I raised my hand and said Komodo Dragon. My teacher asked me what a komodo dragon is and I described a Komodo Dragon, to which she said  something along the lines of “oh honey, those are fantasy creatures” to which I replied, “no they’re not, google it”. (admittedly rude, but who could blame me? It’s not my fault you’re a teacher yet you don’t know about southeast asian reptiles) She then googled it and saw that they’re real and seemed upset for the rest of the class period. I don’t think she liked me ever again after that. But I digress.

I didn’t take many photos on the Jungle Trek because most of the animals weren’t out and the birds in the aviary move to fast to get a good picture of.

After I walked through the Jungle Trek it was about time for us to go to our seats for Rivers of Light. This is a new addition for me as well. I’m gonna give you the photos with no commentary so you can just observe.

We then made our way out of the park because we had dinner reservations at Boma in the Animal Kingdom Lodge. On our way out, we got to see the Tree of Life lit up.

We then took the long walk to the bus to Animal Kingdom Lodge. We waited for like 20 minutes and I got to see a sight I’ve never seen. A little boy pissing. He was like 4 years old and he was very urgently telling his mom how bad he had to pee and his mother was clearly at the end of her rope because she dragged him by the arm into the bushes and pulled down his pants and told him to pee. It was kinda funny. It reminded me of when a lot of stories came out of people in Shanghai Disneyland not knowing there were public bathrooms and pissing in the planters. I have a sneaky suspicion the boys mom told him to go to the bathroom and he argued that he didn’t need to because his mom was for real fed up.

big ass tree number like 26
The animal Kingdom Lodge is gorgeous. I bet it’s even prettier during day time when you can see out of the giant window.

Boma was pretty good. It’s generally tough to be vegan at disney but there was a good amount of stuff and the chef made me a special dessert. I nearly had a panic attack about talking to the chef though. I felt like a gigantic burden.

I think I had raspberry sorbet like 5 times on this trip. Not complaining about that.

After Boma we just went back to our room.

Next is the Magic Kingdom!

And New Years Eve… *dun dun dun*

Talk to you later!

I’m at The Terminal, also Stop Clubbing Baby Seals maybe?

Hi again!

I’m at the terminal and we board in a little over 2 hours.

I just felt a need to get this off my chest.

I saw a post on twitter that was basically saying “the seal hunt is bad” and everyone in the replies is defending the seal hunt???

Maybe I’m the *sshole, but I see no logical defense?

Most of the defenses center around “well seal meat is Inuit culture”…





I really wanted to put the “then perish” meme in the replies but I feel like I’d get dragged through the mud so I’m gonna talk about it on my own special platform. So hahaha if anyone wants to drag me through the mud you’ll have to give me page views first.

I hate when people defend unethical actions with a guise of culture.

Who cares about your culture if you’re using it to ruin the lives of other beings?

Female genital mutilation is wrong.

Slavery is wrong.

Bashing in the heads of seals is wrong.

Poaching rhinos is wrong.

This should not be a hot take!!!

I sometimes hate associating myself with liberals because we’re so scared of offending people that we excuse atrocities. I feel like is some of the twitter leftists were alive in 1943 they’d figure out a way to say the h*locaust is ok because it’s german culture or something.

I can’t even count the number of times I’ve seen half baked hot takes about how people in food deserts need McDonalds as a source of calories… Maybe we can try to put grocery stores in those areas? Maybe we could try to make healthy food more accessible? Maybe think before you spout nonsense?

If the suggestion that you don’t do evil things is offensive, maybe you’re a sh*tty person!

Yes, the anti seal hunt activism should have more nuance and we should try to give people better options to replace murdered babies but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to club a seal to death! Are you people stupid!?

Ugh, I need to unfollow these whiny dummies or else I’m gonna go into cardiac arrest.

So now is my time.

If you think the seal hunt is a good thing:


Orlando Day 2: Hollywood Studios

Hi there! I’m in the airport waiting to fly back home and I’ve got about 3 and a half hours until we’re even allowed to check our bags then another 4 hours until our flight so I figured I should post.

So from where we left off, my mom and I spent a night at a motel and watched animal planet instead of sleeping.

In the morning we got ready and headed out to our shuttle back to the airport at 5:10. Once we were at the airport, we had a shockingly short wait for our magical express to Disney!


You know that episode of South Park where Kyle goes to “Jewbilee” and there’s a scene where Moses appears as a giant dreidel? That’s what I think my face looks like in this photo.
There were only a total of 5 people on the bus: the driver, my mom, me, a very tired looking father, and the daughter of the aforementioned father. My mom and I got to be alone for a while because they were dropped off first.
If you didn’t notice our pants.

We arrived at the resort really early. I think it was like 5:55. It was too early for us to put our bags in the room so we gave our bags to the staff to hold until our check in time. The people at Disney give amazing service so they put our bags in our room before we got back.

There were still christmas decorations up for our whole time there which is nice.

Here’s a quick photo set of the decorations at the hotel.


The people who work there did a wreath decorating contest. I think the toy story one was the winner, although I can’t remember. My personal favorite is the It’s A Small World one.

So after checking in and having a box of vanilla soy milk, we left for Hollywood Studios! When I was a kid, Hollywood Studios was always my favorite. I liked thrill rides and the most intense rides at Disney are both at Hollywood Studios (Tower of Terror and Rock and Rollercoaster).

SO when we got there we had a pretty good amount of time until our first fast pass and our first meal, so we looked at all the christmas decorations and did our first round of shopping.


Do you see the little hat on Gertie (the dinosaur)?


There’s a better view of the hat.


The little deer remind me of Peanut 😦 I miss her so bad.


The Pixar store had these cute little minimalist illustrations of Pixar characters on each section. It was really cute.

SO after wasting some time, we came to our first fast pass, one of my mom’s favorite rides ever: Tower of Terror. It’s one of my favorites too because I love the theme.


We were in line behind a family who had never ridden it before and I think they thought it was like a haunted house because the son kept asking if stuff would “pop out at him”. I hope they liked it.


I posted this on instagram but I don’t like this picture of me at all.


After the Tower of Terror, we went to our first official Disney meal! It was at the 50’s Prime Time Diner.


We were the first people to show up, so we got to take a picture with all the people who work there and they kept our picture on the refrigerator all day.

We sat around for a while after because my mom got charged on her credit card twice at the motel so we had to sort that out.

After that we went t my favorite place in Hollywood Studios….


Muppet Courtyard!!!!!!!!!!!

I love the muppets.

If Disney ever get rid of Muppetvision 3D and don’t release it to be owned at home, I’m rioting in the streets. To my knowledge, Muppetvision is the last thing Jim Henson worked on before he died (correct me if I’m wrong). Jim Henson is like my idol and I hope some day I get to visit the creature shop.

But anyways, we saw Muppetvision.

This show has my favorite queue in all of Disney because it’s so detailed.

The fake posters were entertaining me far more than they entertained just about everyone else. My favorite quote is “with a mercifully brief appearance by The Great Gonzo”. It’s not trying too hard.

All of the hardware had faces drawn around them.



After Muppetvision, we went to what was my favorite ride for my whole childhood: Rock n’ Rollercoaster. We luckily had a fastpass because the line was 3 hours long.


After Rock n’ Rollercoaster, we had our third fastpass of the day: Toy Story Mania (when I was a kid, it was called Toy Story Midway Mania, a vastly superior name).



We figured we need to pose near the Alien Swirling Saucers ride since we’re wearing alien pants, so we stopped over there, took some photos and reapplied our sunscreen. We didn’t ride it because the line was like 2 hours long and honestly I don’t like Toy Story enough to wait in line for a Toy Story ride any longer than about 25 minutes.

Me being concerned as a father lets his toddler run wildly right towards the crowd of people.
posing. (my eyeliner is not standing up to the sun induced squinting and increased oil secretion caused by being at Disney)

After the photoshoot we actually got on the ride.

Don’t murder me for this, but I like the decorations in the queue more than the ride itself…


For once I beat my mom!!!!!! I won a rabbit!!!!!!!!!!!!! (You don’t actually get a prize but it’s the principle that matters)

We left Toy Story Land for our dinner. It was at Hollywood and Vine. They were doing a special holiday dinner where the characters (Mickey, MInne, Daisy, Donald, and Goofy) wear christmas outfits so of course we had to go. The food isn’t anything to write home about but the service is really good and the outfits are cute.

This is the best photo from there. My mom when she saw Goofy, turned to me and said “That’s a black guy in there”. Apt observation.

So we had a few hours until Fantasmic so we figured out what to do. Is it weird that I kind of wanted to take a picture with Doc McStuffins? I know the show is for toddlers, but I think it’s quality child entertainment.

When I saw that the Doc McStuffins line was like an hour long I decided to not do that.

We chose to see the Voyage of the Little Mermaid.

First we went to the restroom and while I was waiting outside for my mom, A parade of Star Wars characters just strolled past me. I’ve never seen Star Wars so I’m just gonna make up their names in a crude attempt at comedy.

*blurry photo warning for the rest of this post*

Yeezy Szn 3 Stormtrooper
Personified Nightmare
Shiny Stormtrooper and Stormtrooper Who Feels Inadequate By Comparison
Darth Vader 9000
Bronze Age Emma Watson and Chewbacca

We then watched the Voyage of the Little Mermaid. I don’t particularly care for The Little Mermaid (I prefer the musical), but I do love puppets so I really liked this show because just about every character was controled by a puppeteer.


the Ursula puppet was like 18 feet tall. Ariel is on a big tall rock setpiece.

Next (and last) we crossed the park to go see Fantasmic! Since the last time I saw it they’ve improved some parts of it a lot! I love the dragon still and the snake (which I think is new)

The people in charge of crowds kept trying to hype the audience up while we waited. They did like 20 variations of the wave, the did the stomp stomp clap thing from We Will Rock You, They encouraged us to hold up our phone flashlights like it’s a concert. My mom and I just laughed because it felt like everyone was trying to hold onto to momentum for far too long.
The show begins!
good god this picture is awful. It was really cool in real life though, there were a bunch of black light safari animals for “Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Can you guess what this scene is about?
Pocahontas!!!!!!!!! It is straight up impossible to find Pocahontas in the parks. This is the only time I even saw a hint that she exists other than her being on like 2 pages in a princess coloring book, in the Ralph Breaks The Internet princess box set, and 1 mug with her on it. By comparison you could not escape sleeping beauty and as much as i love her, lets be honest: nobody really watches Sleeping Beauty anymore (nobody watches Pocahontas either but you get my point).

The snake puppet was sick as hell. 

The dragon used to be a full body puppet but now it’s a head and projected wings. Both are cool but the original puppet was jaw dropping.
Mickey Mouse. You can’t escape him.
The boat had some really rare characters on there. There was even a Steamboat Willie version of Mickey Mouse (he’s up at the top).

After Fantasmic, we dealt with the rush and left for our hotel

We went to the concierge so we could get our Hoop Dee Doo Revue tickets printed out and we had to wait like 30 minutes because there was a family who I guess had never visited Disney before because they were frantically making dinner reservations at the front desk. They had a daughter who I thought was my age but it turns out she’s 12! I was in disbelief and then she spoke and I saw her braces and I got it better.

When we got back to our room, my bag with my laptop was missing and I almost lost my mind. I walked back up t the front office and the guy in charge of bags had a tough time finding it. It turns out they put my bag in a separate cage since I told them it’s fragile. Service!

After that I kinda just went to bed.

I got amazing sleep though.

Tomorrow is Animal Kingdom!

Orlando Day 1: Getting Flewed Out

Hi again!

My mom and I left Disney yesterday and we’re at a hotel near the airport for a few days, so I’m gonna try to make my posts while we’re here (we’ll see how that goes).

So we left for Orlando on December 28th, 2018.

We took a shuttle to the airport and the driver was a pretty aggressive maneuver-er. He was switching lanes like crazy and just whipping that van around.

We got to the airport about 6 hour before our flight. We expected to spend like an hour waiting for security, but it actually only took like 20 minutes. Our flight was delayed like 3 times, so we sat at the gate.

We made some new friends waiting. There was an older couple next to us, a lady with a 2 year old, a girl who was in the Disney College Program, and a therapist from Puerto Rico. To my mom’s credit, they were all talking to her, not me. I don’t really interact with strangers. I don’t think I said a single thing to like 3 of them. I wish I was sociable.

there’s a suitcase missing from this photo. Oh wait, it’s in the corner.

The plane boarded about 2 and a half hours after we planned.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned it before but I have a bit of a fear of flying. By a bit of a fear, I mean I stay on the verge of tears for the entirety of every flight I board. Lucky for me, this flight had a ton of turbulence. My butthole didn’t unclench for almost 3 hours.

Taken before we got in the air. When I find cool lighting, I take advantage of it.


After being in existential terror for a few hours (and watching the first 4 episodes of season 4 of Curb Your Enthusiasm), we landed.

The Orlando airport is really cool. It’s giant, so you have to take a train from one side to the other. We waited for our luggage for a while and much to our luck, some dudes duffel bag got caught on the edge of the conveyor right in front of my moms suitcase, so we had to wait an extra 10 or so minutes while they fixed the machine. It was kinda cool to see the guys moving stuff around though.

Christmas decorations have been up the whole time we’ve been here.

We then took an uber to get to the motel we stayed at overnight before we checked in to our disney hotel.

If you ask my mom about it, she’ll give you a 10 page single-spaced essay about everything wrong with the motel. The greatest hits include: broken mini fridge, staff didn’t know where the room was located, no elevator, right next to a nice hotel (bad juxtaposition), and many more. I guess I’m a pretty easy to please person because I didn’t particularly care. We got there at like 1:00 and had to leave at about 4:30, so I just didn’t sleep and watched animal planet instead.

I’ll end this post by telling you about one of my top 5 dumb moments of the last half of 2018. So before we left the airport I got some little soft pretzel bite dudes to eat at the motel. When we got to the motel, I decided I wanted to eat them warm… Well in the time between buying them and putting them in the microwave, I forgot that I put the change in the bag they gave me my pretzels in.

If you haven’t figured it out yet… I microwaved a quarter.

I didn’t start a fire though, so I think I did fine.

It’s fine.

I’m fine.

Ok. More posts coming up soon.

Thanks for reading!