*trigger warning: mentions of suicide, self chastisement, general pessimism*
nothing ever goes the way i plan.
i wanted to come home from work and write out another disney post, but here i am now freaking out and feeling awful.
tomorrow is my first day of college.
i feel like i’m the worst person alive.
i’ve always hoped that i’d be successful before this time so that i can forego college in pursuit of something i actually may enjoy but here i am. i’ve failed my childhood self.
and i think i’m going to keep failing my childhood self.
i wish when i was a kid i put myself out there more.
i wish i went to more than one audition for a talent agency as a child. maybe if i had done that i’d be happy now and i wouldn’t be rocketing myself into a torturous cesspool only to leave with a useless sheet of paper and thousands of dollars of debt.
i wish i played sports as a kid so that now i could maybe have a body closer to the one i desire.
but i can’t change the past so i’m stuck in the present craving the sweet release of death.
i wouldn’t say i’m suicidal per say, i’d just say i jump to suicidal ideation faster than i should. i won’t kill myself though because that would make my mom too sad. i’ll just make her marginally less sad by continuing to be the failure i’m destined to be.
i’m constantly trying to make my life better.
i’m always making some plan for how i’m going to like my body more or develop some skill but nothing ever comes of anything i try. i think i’m setting myself up to fail. i don’t think i try hard enough at anything. i wish i wasn’t so useless.
some people are untalented but they have a great work ethic, i think i’m just untalented and lazy.
i’m not even pretty enough to coast by on looks.
i hope college isn’t the torturous process is suspect it will be, but my optimism on that front is minimal.
it sucks when you see people enjoying themselves doing things you hate.
my mom said she thinks i’d like living in a dorm because i’d have the college experience but i’m thinking there will never be any experience that i enjoy.
i think i’m gonna live the life i see so many people living where they finish school, scramble for a few years, and then work a job they hate until they die.
i always seem stuck in a limbo of self assessment.
i think i’m a painfully untalented and worthless human while also thinking i’m special in some way that could save me from a life of mediocrity.
i just have so many things to say but i don’t know if i should say them.
the thing that sucks about the internet is that whenever someone vents their negative emotions, hoards of assholes think they’re fishing for sympathy.
don’t understand anything yet.
i feel like i have the grasp on the world of a 7th grader.
i can never understand the tone people are speaking with. i can’t read a room. i don’t know how to talk to people. i’m socially inept.
and it’s not even cute. at this point it’s just weird because i’m an adult with the social skills of a bullied 12 year old.
and i can’t seem to find anything to enjoy nowadays.
i’ve reached a state where i can’t listen to music because i just compare myself to the musician. i think of how i can’t play any instruments well, i’m a barely passable singer, i’m not pretty, i can’t dance, i’m not even lucky.
i can enjoy my pets, but it seems like every time i interact with them i have a moment of remembering their mortality. i don’t think i’ll be able to handle their deaths if i’m in this state when it happens.
i’m having a tough time finding the motivation to study now. i just feel like i’ll never have any use for any language i could learn because i’m gonna end up living a mediocre life and never leaving the U.S.
i think i have such lofty expectations and such fairy tale like dreams that i never feel satisfied even when things go well.
i have a very specific fantasy that i’d like to marry, lose my virginity to, and never divorce the first person i date. this fantasy (that has become an expectation) is leading me to be scared to date. but of course that’s not too much of an issue because nobody ever approaches me, so i guess i’ll deal with that in the future.
that’s just one example of me basically sabotaging myself because i’m scared of things not working out 100%. 97% or god forbid 85% are nightmarish for me.
i want to stand out.
i want something to be exclusively about me.
i want people to get excited about me.
i want to draw attention.
i’ve never been an attention getter.
i’m a supporting character in my own life.
i’m not even the most important person to myself, how can i be the most important person to someone else?
but of course when i think a thought like that i dissuade myself from seeking self love because of how insufferable i find people who talk about their self love journeys and their self acceptance. that’s probably just bitterness on my part though.
i think it may seem to people who read my blog that i live my regular life for a moth doing relatively ok and then roughly once a month i have a moment of terror and write out a melodramatic blog post. i’d like to inform anyone with that impression, that that is not the case.
the feelings i express in my downer posts follow me everywhere i go, every waking moment.
when i’m out in public i scan the body of everyone i see and meticuluosly compare it to my own. when i sing to myself i think of how i’m doing whatever song i’m singing a disservice simply but uttering the lyrics. whenever i look into my planner and see the upcoming months i think of how each month will go worse than i expect which it consistently does. when i see photos of myself as a child i feel rage at my stupid self for not trying to do anything. when i have dreams about my ideal future i awaken feeling crushing emptiness at the fact that those dreams wont come true.
god, i sound like i’m on my death bed or something.
i could really keep this post going for like 10,000 words but i think i need to cry unhindered for a while. so i suppose i’ll end this here.
i’ll probably write a similarly upset post tomorrow after my classes.