My Acne Scars Are Testing My Patience

I like to believe that I’m not a particularly aggravated person.

I mean, I have a total stick up my *ss and I tend to be on the verge of crying like 65% of the time, but that’s not really caused by anything as much as it is a state of being.

But the thing in my life that makes me the most pissed off (other than the lingering threat of the future, that’s a given) is my body’s uncanny ability to scar.

I get scars that last for years from the smallest of cuts and it makes me want to wrap my whole body in bubble wrap and avoid all objects with an edge for the rest of my life.

I have a huge dark brown scar on my left arm from a bug bite from 3 years ago that makes me so self conscious that I feel a need to painstakingly edit it out of all my photos or else no matter how great I look I’ll consider the photo a net loss. That’s absurd!!

I know that I shouldn’t be so insecure, but I think the propensity to scar should take some of the blame too! Whose skin scars like that for so long!? I’m cursed!!

And don’t even get me started on my face.

My acne scars make me want to induce vomiting.

I would honestly prefer to get more acne if I could trade it for fewer scars. And I really don’t get a lot of zits. I maybe get one or two a month if I’m not keeping up with my skincare as well as I should and if I am keeping up I get one like every other month or even every three months. But who cares how non-acne prone I am if every time I get a zit it leaves a huge scar as dark as midnight and the size of a dime?

I feel dirty even though my facial skin is really impeccably clean.


On a semi-related note:

Why do people with good habits rarely reap the benefits?

Like a lot of the healthiest eaters I know can never reach a bmi under 27 whereas a solid portion of the size 2’s I know live on a diet of hot cheetos and fanta. (again, not all just far too many for comfort)

People like to act as though if you work hard enough you’ll always reach your goals but that’s so untrue. Some people will just never get to be happy. That sucks. And most of the worlds sh*ttiest people live lives of luxury. Because the world is unjust.

Maybe I’ll get to be one of the happy people one day.

If I do, I’m gonna get like 3000 chemical peels until these damn scars fade.


Why Must We Degrade People Who We Don’t Think Are Hot?

Howdy pardners.

So here’s a question to ponder.

Are racial preferences racist?

This was a big debate online (especially on twitter and tumblr) a few years ago, but I don’t think a consensus was ever reached. I don’t necessarily think a consensus needs to be reached, honestly but I like discourse.

I personally think having a preference for traits isn’t, but basing your immediate perception of others on stereotypes is.

Like, honestly I think light colored eyes are, in a polite way, not an attractive trait. I definitely wouldn’t count someone out because of their eye color. I also 100% wouldn’t count someone out because of a personality trait I’ve convinced myself that their group has (I wouldn’t count someone in either).

I find quite a few men are more than happy to absolutely trash the women of their own race because the prefer women of another, and I find that hilarious.

You’ll often see black men online say that black women are fat, or mean, or too loud, but those definitely are not statements that could be applied to all black women. I think this urge to drag “unsuitable partners” down comes from a fear of seeming like you’re an inferior option for whoever you’ve chosen to be with.

I think a lot of these black men who say this do it because they feel like the women they’re with have more options than they do and that’s sad. But I have a tough time feeling overly sympathetic because these men probably don’t have many options in the first place if their response to their own insecurity is vitriol.

That’s only one example btw.

I see east asian women say that about east asian men, white women say stuff about white men, etc; and each time it feels pathetic.


“Asian men aren’t masculine” Um…… I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a martial arts competition.

“White men have bad noses” Tell that to all the POC who bring in photos of white people for rhinoplasty.

I don’t know, I just don’t see any value in degrading people who are for the most part extremely similar to you.

Like I’d sound like a total idiot if I went around complaining about multiracial people because we’re just so…. unstereotyped in the first place. So you can really see the idiocracy if I said “mixed guys are self centered” or something like that. (the self centered thing is the only stereotype I can think of)

Some people suck I guess.

Wanna hear something funny I heard in a documentary I watched the other day?

I heard someone say that people should date interracially more because multiracial people have hybrid vigour.

That hit me right in the giggle d*ck.

I think I’m gonna refer to myself as a hybrid from now on.

I’m gonna go use my vigour some other way now, bye!

New Obsession: Chinese Photoshop Abuse

So I like to believe that I generally keep up with worldwide trends or at least what’s en vogue in east asia, but I was not aware of this.

I’ve seen photos circulating of a girl who edits her photos super alien-like and claims to be 20 kilograms, but I thought that was just her thing.

But no.

There is a whole legion of rich chinese kids who seem to not have the best grasp of the controls in Meitu.

I wish I had the spine to show you photo evidence, but honestly I’m not mean enough or confident enough in my likelihood of not being contacted by may “victims”.

I’ve counted about 25 people who I’ve found that do this weird photo editing style just today alone (and I only searched around for like 20 minutes) and I’m sure that’s only the tip of the iceberg.

The style consists of super pale skin, dorito chins, giant eyes, huge bright white shimmering lying silkworms/ aegyo sal (eyebags? they’re on purpose so I don’t know if eyebag would be the right term), weird grey contact lenses, praying mantis esque limbs, and noses as pointy as broken glass.

It’s right on the verge of unsettling and I think if I hadn’t seen so many examples of horrible anime anatomy I’d be having nightmares.

What’s especially wild to me is that not many people seem critical of it. I mean you see a lot of mean comments and copy-pastes of buddhist mantras in comments, but these people are getting paid. They’re being sent sponsored products and being hired to model for online stores. One even made a movie about himself!!!!!

There’s a part of me that feels like this is a super unique phenomenon, but then I remember that here in america there are tons of people doing the same thing but they’re just editing differently. I mean for as much as I appreciate Thomas Halbert, some of his instagram photos are just…….. no comment. (and I can’t talk, meitu is definitely in the top 10 of my most used apps)

For every insect bodied chinese kid on weibo, there’s a giant-bummed american on instagram.

So I guess I’ll just respect the hustle?

I’ll also vomit about the fact that I just unironically used the word “hustle”.

If you wanna look at some of these kids, the instagram @ richkids_fashions_police is a good place to find a distilled flow of these photos.

Oh Yeah, Daily Posting

I don’t know if I mentioned it before, but I’m trying to post on my blog daily for February.

I really have no content today though…

You know, it’s tough to figure out which is better: doing something often or concentrating on sporadic effort. I think it’s a personal thing and even within the life of one person the more effective option can change often.

I think something important for me is working on maintaining habits. I really want to get back into/develop good habits. I’m trying to remember to do my full skincare routine and wake up at the same time daily for example.

I think remembering to put something up on my blog is a good way to remind myself to keep up with habits.

Ok, enough of that.

Wanna hear something fun?

I came up with a great name for a tortoise.


Don’t take that. Whenever I get my future tortoise friend I’m gonna name him tortellini.

Nothing else on my mind.

How empty…

It’s Valentine’s Day!


Today’s my favorite holiday and I’m quite enthusiastic.

I have always had a tough time with holidays because I’ve never celebrated them the way I felt was “normal”, but as I get older I’ve come to realize that (a) there is no normal way to celebrate and (b) a lot of the ways of celebrating that I’ve deemed normal would be quite unenjoyable for me. I don’t think I’d want to go to a big mass on Easter (I’m good with my pastel excitement), I don’t do scary stuff so I wouldn’t want to do that on Halloween, Thanksgiving seems like an emotional bloodbath, etc.

The one holiday that I can totally get down with is Valentines Day.

It’s such a good sentiment, I like the aesthetics, It’s not too marred by traditions, and I got Peanut and Poptart on Valentines Day (10 years ago!!!).

So… I did what I normally do when I feel good… Take pictures!

Here they are:

sparkles added in line camera

woohoo! best day of the year! (not content wise, just date wise ya know?)

Ok, that’s all I needed to mention.

Thanks for reading!

Is 7 Rings Satirical? (Probably Not, But I’m Gonna Talk About Capitalism and Stuff For A While)

Ok, it seems like the hype for this song has died down so now I feel comfortable asking. I’m being 100% genuine when I ask/contemplate about this.

I only heard the song in it’s entirety for the first time today, and I felt very weird upon paying attention to the lyrics.

I’m not particularly fond of encouraging opulence in general, but I tend to excuse it when I feel like there are other messages in a song or the flaunting is more relateable (i.e Money by Cardi B & C.R.E.A.M by Wu Tang). I hadn’t really looked into the song, and was quite surprised when I listened to the distinctly capitalist lyrics.

“If it ain’t money, then wrong number”

I think the song itself is completely in earnest and I don’t think it’s something that actually upsets me, but it does make me uncomfortable thinking about the way people live with dreams of an elite lifestyle. (If you haven’t caught on, this post isn’t actually about the song. But I got you to read! haha, suckers! Thanks for the web traffic!)

You’ll sometimes see a disdain for promoting excessive lifestyle (especially for women) in marxist feminist circles, and I thought that sentiment was becoming more commonplace. I often see people making statements online about how everyone who’s exceedingly rich should make more effort to redistribute wealth, but today I took a stroll through “local twitter” and found that it seems as though I’m in an echo chamber. Sick.

I feel comfortable admitting that I quite enjoy being in an echo chamber when it comes to certain things; I enjoy never interacting with flat earthers, I don’t tend to hang out with neonazis, my understanding of the political climate of South America is pretty minimal (although I think I’m doing better than the majority of people in the U.S [who probably have never heard of Bolsonaro]), etc. I didn’t think that my discomfort in the super-rich was one of those topics, though.

I know that there are a lot of capitalists, people into trickle-down theory, people who don’t care about the lower classes. I just didn’t know that regular, left leaning, young people (with very similar demographics to myself) were so into lives of luxury.

“Bought matching rings for six of my bitches”

It’s not shocking when you think too hard about it (as I tend to do). Many people really only think of the things in their proximity (I don’t mean physical proximity), tending to limit their worldview to what’s in their orbit. You don’t meet many people where I live who pay any mind to the plight of the Rohingya Muslims of Burma, for example. When you pay most of your mind to your proximity, it’s easy to think that if you help your family, friends, or community “move up” that you’ve done a major service. And you have! It’s good to improve the lives of those who you care about. Hoarding wealth after that, however, isn’t something that I consider virtuous.

But what even is virtue?

It really is one of the most nebulous concepts I can think of.

There may not even be any value to assigning virtue to actions and traits.

It’s backfired in the past. One example that immediately comes to mind is assigning virtue to virginity. or many people who lose their virginity in less than desirable situations, the belief that their virginity was a virtuous trait causes them a ton of strife.

Is virtue something to be fought for?

If we consider riches to be virtuous, the next logical question to ask ourselves is whether or not we even want to be virtuous. I mean, these giant corporations are doing terrible things to the environment and society as a whole, all for the hope of monetary gain. Privatized water ringing a bell?

Let’s say we consider the lives of the rich to be distinctly lacking in virtue. Let’s be ascetics for the sake of the discourse.

Does that matter either?

Should we care whether or not things “matter”?

Will unhinged animosity be or savior or compassion and understanding?

Why are you reading my blog?

I don’t have a conclusion if I’m being honest.

I do have my opinions, but do they matter? We could rephrase this post to be about whether I have any meaningful contributions in my writing.

I guess I’ll end this by putting out one statement that I do think matters and I can comfortably say.

I’m very glad gucci slides aren’t plaguing the streets like they were in 2017. If you’re gonna flex, put in more effort into it. Geez, buy a Fendi bag bug or something. Similar price (used), more special. I thought you were flexing to stand out.

~Authors Note~

This post isn’t very well organized. It was pretty last minute, too. I literally started typing right after the song ended. The song made me think of the seemingly one sided debate I often see where people will make a bit of a strawman with the argument “we need more female millionaires” (this can be applied to anything btw “we need more black cops” “we need more muslim republicans” “we need more gay prison guards” whatever) and then people will own this non existing pro-female-millionaire person.

Kinda just wanted to meditate on what comes to mind when I hear capitalist messaging.

p.s I think this is my 3rd blog entry where I mention Ariana Grande… You’d think I’m stalking her or something. She just comes up a lot recently. Good marketing strategist I guess.

p.p.s Thank you for reading and happy early valentines day!!!! (probably my favorite holiday)

Posture is Hard

I’ve decided that I wan to have good posture.

All day today I’ve really focused on keeping my shoulders from slumping forward, but now I’m really sore.

I’m super terrified of being in constant pain by the time I’m 30 so I really want to try my best to do things right.

On the topic of posture, have you heard of orthotropics?

It’s a technique that’s an alternative to orthodontics where they strategically place pressure on certain parts of the mouth to reshape the whole skull, essentially.

I watched a video about it and I noticed something odd.

They kept mentioning how the people became better looking after orthotropic treatment, but I thought the majority of the examples became worse looking…

I think I may just be weird.

Most people after the treatment had really defined jaws and intense cheekbones and those are 2 of the least attractive traits to me. I think it may just be because I think I have a pretty intense jaw and big cheekbones.

I always see women online praising men with the really intense bone structure, and I’ve never got it. They remind me of bicycle seats. (maybe that’s why the women like them *eyebrow wiggle*)

I’ve always thought if I ever get plastic surgery, the first thing to happen would be an intensive jawbone shaving.

I think it may just be that americans are like that. I’ve never seen people in asia for example praising the square jaw.

God, all my entries are weird recently. Thanks if you read this.