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I Threw Up At Work

Ok…

I didn’t post yesterday…

I feel kinda bad about it but also I needed to gather my thoughts and take a moment because ugh.

I threw up at work the other day.

I’ll explain how I got to that point now since that’s so very vague.

So on Thursday I was an anxious mess from the moment I woke up. By the time I was supposed to be at work the anxiety had manifested into shaking and being on the verge of tears. Since I am so painfully shy and have awful social skills, I told nobody. You know, as one does.

When I walked into work I was shocked to see that my least favorite coworker was scheduled with me. I didn’t see her name on the schedule so seeing her face the moment I step through the doors was like seeing a ghost. (I really have to walk on eggshells when describing my distaste for her because while she did put in her 2 weeks notice a week ago, I still may have to work with her and she may read this. Just understand any displeasure I express is multiplied by a factor of at least 5 in my actual mind)

The moment I saw her I was pushed ever so slightly closer to full on crying but I needed money and I try to be professional so I just stayed on the other side of the store from her.

I really don’t wanna blame her for my terrible anxiety or whatever, but she was the last straw. Just a disclaimer.

So I’m doing the whole work thing, carefully monitoring wherever she was so I could always be far away from her. I get about 45 minutes into my shift and she pulls be to the back room and tells me that I’m, dressed unprofessionally. Great.

I just wanna say that I was apparently dressed unprofessionally because of my pants. My khaki palazzo pants. The khaki palazzo pants that I’ve worn to work at least 4 times.

Apparently they’re too sheer.

Am I just such an amazing actress that people can’t tell when I’m on the verge of tears or something, because that is god awful timing. I would never criticize the way someone is dressed when they just arrived somewhere that they can’t leave for 6 hours. Is that me being weird or is that me being rational because I think that’s what any person with empathy would do.

You know what? Screw it.

She says this to me like I’m a f*cking dog and expects me to be fine with it, but I’m not. I think she needs to reevaluate the way she speaks to others.

OK. Mean digression over.

So after she says this to me I go back on the floor to help customers or whatever and I burst into tears after about 10 minutes. Luckily I was just cleaning a display but still.

I just couldn’t handle the environment I was in.

I’m in full panic attack mode and I get super nauseous and I run to the restroom and vomit.

Shoutout to me for not vomiting in the middle of the floor.

Vomiting really helped calm me down but even today I’m still in a really nervous state because I’m scared I’ll get a condescending text from her or something.

I think it might be a really bad idea for me to post this but I haven’t named names and I haven’t even told anyone online where I work so I think I’m in loophole territory.

Ok.

I’ll probably post 2 entries today because I just really needed to get this off of my chest.

 

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Let’s Bring Back Blog Awards

OK, lots to talk about.

I’m gonna try to organize this in as easily understandable of a way as is possible.

I want an award.

I’ve mentioned multiple times on this blog that I am a very proud lover of attention. I like when people look at me, I like applause (it was my biggest motivator when I was acting), I like praise, I even like when people stare at me. In fact I would go so far as to say that I love those things.

One thing that I think my attention seeking journey is missing is a laundry list of accolades. I love it when people talk about Beyonce (my absolute idol) and they mention that she’s the third most decorated musician ever.

Well, a fun fact about me is that I’ve never really won anything.

I won a metal for a robot building competition (it was actually 2 metals, but I wanna seem humble) when I was 11 and I have 2 “AP scholar with distinction” awards, but other than that I can’t think of a time that I actually won in a competition. I was never an athlete when I was a kid and I was never a particularly memorable person when I did choir and theatre, so it’s no surprise that I don’t know what winning feels like.

That’s very disheartening though.

I want to feel proud of myself!

So where do blog awards factor into this?

Well, I don’t like to admit it but I was huge fan of Xiaxue when I was a kid. Every day I would read her blog and go through her archives. I even looked through the hate site she made for herself!

But of all of the content Xiaxue has put out in her over 15 years blogging and instagramming and doing whatever she does nowadays, my favorite thing she ever put online was her blog post about the 2011 Nuffnang Asia-Pacific Blog Awards. It seemed so glamorous and so interesting and it seemed like something to really be proud of but above all it seemed approachable. It felt like if you just made a blog and worked hard enough, you could get glory. That was why I started my awful first blog back in 2012 and that attainable glamour is a big motivator when I can’t get out a post on here.

So if you didn’t read all of that, I just really wanna win something for once.

What happened to blog awards?

I don’t really know.

I’ve been meditating on this idea for about a month and a half, and I’ve done quite a bit of research. I found one active blog award situation in Ireland for Irish bloggers so that was disappointing. I also found some “if you get tagged you win and then you have to tag 15 other bloggers” style blog awards but that isn’t what I want.

I don’t wanna win a meaningless award based on the fact that I’m good acquaintances with someone.

I want a popular vote.

 

What are we gonna do about this?

Well, I want to see if anyone would participate in this first.

So here’s my call to action:

If you want to have the chance to win an award or you want to see some of your favorite bloggers possibly win awards, please complete this google form. It’ll take like 2 minutes at the most.

https://goo.gl/forms/PBpZYpVD7lbXUxMU2

If you can’t complete the google form, please like this post to show that you want a real, competitive blog award “ceremony” and/or comment about what you want me to do for this.

I’m thinking I’d like to maybe crowd fund this I can get real trophies made (and maybe give out a small cash prize) and I’ll also make a little thumbnail so you can put it on your blog as a widget? I don’t know I’ll plan more if people actually want to do this. I know I can’t create an actual award show because nobody would fly somewhere for a silly blog award nowadays. If I get really into this I may even use my own money, but that’s not a promise.

This will probably be pretty makeshift, but I think it could be cool.

I really wanna make this happen.

So please fill out my google form!

*authors note: I know this is probably anticlimactic since I’ve been working on it for like 5 days but I had to research blog awards and I’ve even gone so far as to figure out how much it would cost to make a trophy and I’ve looked into crowd funding websites, like I’ve really been putting effort into this concept that might not even happen. So please give me feedback and tell me what you want to come of this. ♡♡♡*

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Good News x6

Ok.

I need to get a post out again.

Luckily I’m not on a time crunch today so hopefully this won’t be quite as bad of an entry as yesterdays.

I have a lot of things to say that I think will only give me about 2 paragraphs of content each (maximum) so I’ll give each topic a header.

Good Post Coming Up

I’ve been working on a blog post for about 4 days at this point that I hope you guys will like. I don’t wanna reveal anything about it, but it should be posted tomorrow or the next day. I feel like the post I have brewing will really be a big stepping stone in my blogging career, for real. It should hopefully draw new readers to my blog and make a few fellow bloggers happy. Are you excited yet?

BiscuitsXMonsters Put Up My Picture!

I think I told you guys that they asked me to take some product photos for their online store an well… the photos are up! I feel like a model or something!

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Do you see me?
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You should now!

I’ll link to their store since they’re so nice to me: http://biscuitsxmonsters.storenvy.com

P.S you can use my code “dearmikah” for free shipping on their site, I don’t get paid for it so if you hate me don’t worry you won’t pay me for buying some of the cute stuff on there. I genuinely support the brand.

Work Update

As you guys may know, I work at a clothing store. I make a little over minimum wage and I don’t get a ton of hours because I’m part time but guess what…

My boss offered to promote me to a assistant manager!

So I should be getting more hours (I won’t let this get in the way of my writing) and a raise! Alongside getting a title of course.

A manager quit so my store manager wants to fill the space she left. She also asked me if I’m interested in doing visuals for the store and of course I’m into that so…. YAY!

I love this!

Hopefully I’ll be able to put more money toward my blog with my raise so you can have an even better experience!

Republished Article

No, my article I didn’t like hasn’t been edited, but I do have some good freelancing news!

My Seedling Magazine article will be republished on littlegreenseedling.com so you guys can read it without having to download a copy of Seedling! This is to get the word out about the great pieces in Seedling so if you go over there and like what you see, please download their magazine!

I’m not being paid to say this by the way. If I ever have a real sponsored post, I’ll disclose it because I know you guys trust me and I really value that.

I’ll remind you guys of this on the day it’s put up on the website so you can click a link directly to it.

Bangs Update

I still want bangs and I’m still excited to cut them!

Bullet Journal Spread

My bujo spread for this week is both cute and disappointing. It’s Oogie-Boogie themed and I’m not a great freehand artist so my drawing of Oogie isn’t wonderful, but the colors are great. I love my tombow dual brush pens, they’re so vibrant! I used them for almost the whole spread.

P.S I know The Nightmare Before Christmas is a christmas movie, but I love Oogie-Boogie and I think his colors fit better for my halloweentime spreads. I do have plans for a Nightmare Before Christmas themed christmas spread though so if you love that movie like I do, be patient.

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My Oogie-Boogie looks like Patrick from Spongebob got the suds 😦

So yay!

Today’s post feels good to me and I like making positive content sometimes. I’m really not as negative as I seem, I’m just a pessimist– it’s different.

Thank you so much for reading!

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Frustrated!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Ok, let’s start with a story.

About a week and a half ago I offered to write a guest post for a person in a facebook group with me. He was very courteous and answered any question I had.

After working on my post for 5 days, I sent it in and he was very complimentary. He asked if I’d like to have any links in the post and I asked for my blog to get linked (some of you came to my blog from that link, thanks for that) and a link to my instagram.

That was the end of my interaction.

Note that I wrote this post for free.

I really don’t wanna be mean but I’m upset about how my article has been spun. My introspective, personal piece has been turned into another “how I learned to love my body” sappy mess.

What?

I hate my body!

I wasn’t asked for a bio, so I didn’t expect one but when I looked at the post, my bio is a copy and paste of facts about my pets from my FAQ page! I have a bio on my website! It’s right on the sidebar!

Ugh. I’m just frustrated. I didn’t even get a good picture of me used in the featured photo.

I don’t wanna call anybody out so I won’t be linking to the article and I won’t be naming names but just know I’m a little upset right now.

I’m gonna be a bit more vindictive if I write any more guest posts.

If you’re one of the many people who discovered my blog from this piece, I hope it doesn’t define me for you.

If you’d like to read a piece I’m very proud of, check out Seedling Magazine

I’ll just let this post get buried.

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Focusing on My Finances

I got called in to come to work, so I don’t have as much time as I thought I did to blog today…

I’ve been spending all morning trying to figure out how I’m gonna use my paycheck when it comes. I know 2 things I absolutely want to buy and I also am gonna go to my favorite farmers market some time soon so those are a few expenditures. I really wanna save at least 30 dollars from each paycheck though for christmas and stuff.

I am a master money waster.

I shouldn’t be allowed to make financial decisions on my own.

I’m trying to save up for a lot of things:

  • christmas gifts
  • winter stuff
  • a camera that I found on ebay
  • just in case
  • etc etc etc

But of course there’s a very loud part of me screaming to buy anything that’s pastel and fluffy. That part of me is also probably the part of me that hates going to work.

That part of me sucks.

I think once I’m in college I’m gonna really put a lot of focus into maintaining a good financial state. I’m focused on that now of course, but it’ll be even more important when the university tries to gouge my eyes out.

I’m gonna try to get a bit more freelance work because (A) it was really rewarding when I got my Seedling magazine payment (B) I like money and (C) I think my trick will be not buying anything with freelance money until I’m in a place I’ve decided to use it i.e I have enough money to buy a big thing (like a camera) or I’m on vacation. That was a horrible run-on sentence.

So I’m gonna buckle down and focus on my finances.

I’ve even put an expense tracker in my bullet journal so you know I’m serious.

What do y’all do to save money?

Also if you know how… how do I raise my credit score? Asking for a friend. That friend’s name is Mikah.

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October 1st

*gif warning*

 

 

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It’s October everyone!

So what are we doing in October?

Despite my love of old halloween themed geocities blinkies, I actually don’t like halloween. I am a very, very easily scared person. If my mom enters the kitchen while I’m cooking I scream because just that small surprise terrifies me. When I was 8 years old I had an undying hatred of Michael Jackson because the thriller music video scared me so bad. When we go to Disney World I can’t enter the dinosaur area of Animal Kingdom because the dinosaur animatronics scare me to death. In other worlds I’m too weak for scary things.

I don’t know anybody who’s having a halloween party and I’m too old to fruitfully trick or treat, so I don’t have anywhere to wear it but…

I wanna make a halloween costume!

I’ve never made my own halloween costume, I didn’t always trick or treat or anything for halloween and when I did they would be either made by my mom or store bought. I’ve made a few (terrible) cosplays in my day (thank god there are no photos of the Equius one). So I think with enough effort I could make a costume that’s not skin-crawlingly embarassing at this point in my life.

What else do I wanna do in October?

I wanna…

  • get 70 more monthly views on my blog than September
  • try to take at least one photo every day
  • save as much money as i can from my paychecks
  • do at least 6 lessons in Mandarin and Japanese respectively
  • finish 3 more chapters of my korean textbook
  • do my acne scar routine on my chest acne scars
  • write at least 2 articles for other publications
  • send in my college application
  • write in my diary at least 20 times
  • eat at my favorite restaurant once *fingers crossed*
  • make a youtube video where I speak 0 english
  • go over my spanish (a customer came into the store who only spoke spanish and I felt so bad because I didn’t know how to tell her that the fitting rooms were full)
  • take a few OOTD pictures
  • do better at eating than in September

October also means we’re 10 months into 2018!

It feels like it was just March last week.

I’m hoping that in 2019 things will be even better. I have goals already set for 2019, but I’ll tell them to you around New Years. I’ll need some of you guy’s help achieving them so I hope you’ll pay attention to those.

October also means it’s the perfect time to use my favorite lotion!

My favorite body butter is called Carved For Attention and it’s an old limited edition perfectly posh lotion. It smells like pumpkin pie to me. I wish perfectly posh would bring it back.

So since the post is called October 1st, I’ll tell you what’s going on today, October 1st.

I sometimes like to imagine somebody reading my blog 7 years in the future and wondering what was going on in the world as I wrote these posts. SO here’s what’s going on in the world on October 1st, 2018.

The #1 trending topic on twitter is #october1st.

It’s been 1 year since the Las Vegas shooting.

A tsunami just recently hit Indonesia and Japan (my condolences for those who’ve died and unending support to those affected)

Kanye West changed his name to YE on Saturday and is doing more stupid stuff apparently.

The 73rd UN general assembly is happening as I speak. (BTS spoke there a few days ago and I’m so proud.)

The Brett Kavanaugh investigation has been elevated to an FBI investigation.

Google is supposed to drop the Pixel 3 on October 9th.

Multiple protests are going on for Muslim Detention in China.

Elon Musk may have been bought out from Tesla (I can’t really tell what’s going on)

So yeah, those are the things that come up when I look for news today. If you’re reading this far in the future please comment the date you’re reading this and the most interesting news story to you so we can keep this news of the day thing going.

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I Did It

Well everybody,

I posted every day in September.

I think by doing this I’ve gotten what I wanted out of the experiment in full.

I’ve gotten over my writers block. I’ve gotten better at setting aside time to blog. I’ve received quite a few new bog followers and readers. I think my content has improved. I’ve begun to appreciate my blog even more. I’ve made taking photos a bigger part of my life and while doing that I think my photography has gotten better.

I think I’m gonna try to maintain the habits I’ve made while blogging daily for the rest of my blogging career.

So thank you so much if you haven’t gotten annoyed by my entries, and I hope you’ll continue to read my blog!

 

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The Case For Vapidity

I love photo editing apps with a sticker function like line camera, picsart, and rakuga cute.

I know a lot of people find the sticker thing to be really tacky but I don’t care one bit because I think they’re cute.

So here’s some pictures of me with stickers on them ♡

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So, now that people have clicked out of this post for it being vapid or useless, let’s talk.

I wish people wouldn’t be unnecessarily critical toward people who have supposedly vapid interests.

This came to the forefront of my ind today as I’ve been looking at chess resources and chess news since I’m beginning my journey to become a chess player. People regard chess as an ultimate sport of the mind and as a completely non-frivolous endeavor. Why is that? If we think about it hard enough, chess is first and foremost a game. A game mainly played by the privileged. A game mainly played by the privileged with a community that is crawling with sexists, ableists, and people who look down on the “lower classes”.

Note that I don’t blame chess for these issues, I blame the community.

I was hoping to find a nice, intellectual community when I took a foray into a chess.com forum and boy was I wrong. People on that website are aggressive, quick to criticize, and rarely quick to disown racists and sexists in their community (in my experience).

Again, chess.com is not a proper sample of the entire chess community and I am not blaming the game or even the majority of players for the actions of anonymous dorks on forums.

I have discussed my appreciation for the “silly” many times on this blog.

I love:

  • taking pictures of myself
  • tiny dogs
  • stickers
  • pastel colors
  • makeup
  • stuffed animals
  • skincare
  • disney
  • lip gloss
  • doing hair
  • cooking
  • escapism
  • (tasteful) glitter
  • fashion
  • stationary
  • etc etc

and I will not allow others to dissuade me from my interests.

Anymore.

For a large period of my life, I’ve found myself shunning things that I truly like so that I won’t be seen as a bimbo, vain, stupid, or worthless in serious discussion. I’m sick of it!

Let me tell you a story.

When I took AP Music Theory at my second school of that year, I felt pretty ostracized. With the exception of a few friends in the class and one neutral dude, the class was populated by a judgmental clique. When I would raise my hand they would roll their eyes, I even heard one say “here we go again” one time. I would get stares when I wore my favorite outfits as though it’s a crime to not wear jeans and a sweatshirt every day like they did. They would laugh as I spoke.

You wanna know something funny though?

My teacher liked me, I got great grades in the class, and I ended up getting a 3 out of 5 on the AP exam (a score many of them failed to reach).

After that class and the drama that defined it for me, I decided to be a bit more shameless when it comes to doing what I like. For the next year or so I was slightly more shameless but there was still a lingering terror that hung above my head at the idea of dressing 100% the way I like or talking openly about my more vapid interests.

I love my blog but I think I’ve failed to truly express the more vacuous side of my nature. I think I’m in a period of transition.

I like having a place to be shameless.

I like encouraging others to live shamelessly.

I am so thankful to those who have told me I inspire them to blog!

So I will be a bit more me from here on.

And that includes stickers.

thank you for reading!

Morning Pages

Morning Pages: September 26th, 2018

Hello.

Wanna read 900 words of nonsense?

You’re in the right place.

I have a video uploading to youtube right now (I’ll embed it if it finishes uploading while I’m typing) and it’s kinda nonsensical. I wanna make really consistent videos on there rather than videos that don’t have any unifying factor but I also just wanna post whatever I film. It’s tough to figure out which feeling is stronger.

I kinda wanna start making beauty videos. I may start posting those in conjunction with other types of videos. I think I have some unique perspectives when it comes to stuff like hair and makeup because I rarely see people who do their hair and makeup like I do.

You know what, I’m glad I started typing this because I’ve decided that’s what I’m gonna do.

Did you guys know they sell vegan cheese at Aldi now!?

It’s really good too!

If you shop at Aldi and they have the vegan cheese in stock, I recommend you buy some. The mozzarella shreds have that bite to them that dairy mozzarella has and it’s really nice. It also gets stringy when it melts like dairy mozzarella.

I finally surpassed 300 instagram followers last night! My big goal is to reach 1000 before my next birthday (August of 2019), so it’s pretty exciting to be 3/10 of the way there.

Instagram is great. I think a lot of people are unfairly critical of social media in general, but especially instagram. In my opinion, instagram is like a magazine but you get to personally curate what you want to see. A lot of people say it gives people body dysmorphia and eating disorders, but I think that’s a super disrespectful take. People with body dysmorphia are mentally ill and so are people with eating disorders. As a person who is literally recovering from an eating disorder, I think it’s super reductive to blame an app for people experiencing eating disorders. I think maybe if we wanted to reduce the amount of eating disorder patients, we should try to focus on debunking body based stereotypes. I know a lot of my ED stuff comes from not wanting to seem lazy, tough, or manly. If we didn’t associate higher weights with negative traits like laziness and masculinity (in women, I know masculinity isn’t a bad thing) we would likely see fewer people going to unhealthy extents to lose weight.

But back to instagram.

I love being able to see what a person values in life. I think what a person put on their instagram page is very telling as to what they value. For example, I follow a friend who really values the inside jokes she shares with her friends so a lot of her posts are cryptic inside jokes. In my case, I really value aesthetics and nature so my entire feed it visually focused and my captions are particularly uninteresting. I refuse to post things on my instagram that I don’t find aesthetically pleasing whereas a lot of people will post something they may find ugly because they value it.

That’s cool!

You know what’s making me kinda sad?

Tumblr is dying out.

Why couldn’t it be reddit!?

For years, tumblr was my number one social media network and it’s depressing to see that most of the people on there now are discourse arguers and men looking for girls to send creepy messages to. I miss back when there were people who had personality based tumblrs. I don’t wanna name names because I follow a lot of the people who come to mind on twitter and they’re ashamed of their tumblr days so I won’t embarrass them. You don’t see a lot of people who’s tumblrs are about them as people anymore and that sucks. My tumblr is still like that, I post the photos I don’t think fit my instagram on there mainly and the occasional crossposted blog post.

I wish reddit would die instead of tumblr.

I don’t understand why anyone is voluntarily going on there at this point. The layout is ugly, it’s crawling with neonazis, and it’s not new user friendly (I know because I tried to give reddit a real chance recently, terrible idea). ugh.

I guess since I’m talking about social media, I’ll keep that theme.

Facebook should die with reddit.

Is that a super hot take?

It’s also got an ugly layout and is also crawling with neonazis. I mainly use facebook to keep up with my family members who don’t use other websites. I also occasionally take part in facebook group threads for bloggers and stuff like that but that doesn’t make facebook better.

Hmm… I’ve only got about 120 words left.

I’ll tell you about my plans for today.

I’m gonna try to film another video, photograph Maddie, and go to the psychiatrist. I think when I get home for the night and I feel like I’ve done everything I want to do for the day, I wanna watch Black Panther again. I adore Black Panther.

I think I should focus on Russian for my daily studies today. It’s been a few too many days since my last good Russian study session. I think in the coming few weeks I’m gonna try to get back into using memrise. I used to be a big memrise user, in fact when I was 14 it was the only way I studied for about 8 months.

ooo. we’re at 905 words.

My video is still uploading so I guess I’ll embed my youtube video in a different post. sorry 😦

Thanks for reading!

Uncategorized

We’re Getting Somewhere

I started my “blog every day in September” challenge for myself because I felt I was making lower quality content than I prefer.

Well I think I’m hitting a stride, dudes!

I think my last like 5 posts have been great and it’s shown because my daily views have been 2x their average! yay!!!!!!!

I love blogging and it makes me so happy when I’m rewarded for my efforts!

I’ve been thinking a lot about how blog awards used to be a big deal. I’d love to win a blog award some day and I think if I wanna reach that goal I need to make great content like I’ve been making.

I guess I should give some tips for anyone who’s trying to improve their content in teh way I have.

  • make a lot of posts (try every day)
  • try to take pictures (visual elements make blog entries more interesting for a lot of people)
  • try to have a narrative center
  • post whenever an idea comes to mind
  • try writing morning pages
  • be absolutely shameless

With the improvements I’ve been noticing on my blog I think I should focus some energy on my youtube channel now. I set a goal to post 5 times on my channel this month and I’ve only posted twice. 😦

I’m still gonna post daily for the rest of this month but I’m just gonna do my best to post a few more youtube videos.

I’ve tried to film a 2 videos this week but I hated them so much that I deleted them half way through editing. 😦

So my goal is to not delete any videos for the rest of September and hopefully that’ll get me to 5 videos. Genius right?

To end this post I’ll give you a photo I took before filming a video I deleted.

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I’m not yelling, I’m making faces.