January 28th, 2019

Hi there!

I haven’t written anything about my inner workings in a while. I’ve written about stuff I did and existential terror, but nothing super mundane.

So I’m just going to write in a semi-stream-of-conscience style until I’m worn out.


I’m a few weeks into college. I don’t like it honestly, no surprise there. I don’t feel much motivation in general right now. I feel like I’m waiting for something, but I don’t know what that something is. It’s like when you’re sick and you say you’ll d something when you feel better, but right now I feel fine yet I’m not doing much.

I’m doing what I need to get by, but I don’t think anything in my life is progressing.

I’ll write on that more in the near future.


My bullet journal is almost full.

Um… Not much else to say about it.


Posh and Samoa have been annoying me. They’ve developed a habit of scream-barking at me whenever I’m standing. If I’m sitting on the couch or my mom’s bed they’re fine (I use the term fine extremely loosely), but if I’m walking down the hallway or cooking in the kitchen they bark like they’re being tortured.

It’s upsetting.

Did I tell everyone that Samoa got neutered? I think I did. I hope he chills out once he’s less hormonal. He’s so… intense. He’s pushy and mean and he doesn’t understand that we don’t want him to bite at our faces. :/ Let’s cross our fingers, I guess.


OK.

I was planning on not talking about this until it’s finalized, but I’m sick of being secretive.

I quit my job.

So where does that leave me?

Well, I’m going to take a while before getting back to work so that I can adjust fully to college and hopefully find some margin of fulfillment in my life. As one does.

I’m thinking I’ll spend February focusing on self improvement and getting my life together.

I can’t figure out what it was in my life that was going well at that time, but back in September I felt like my life was improving all around. I’m trying to reflect and hopefully replicate that.

I’m kind of in a weird space where I don’t feel like anything is happening, yet I’m expectant of something. Sometimes it’s the times when you don’t feel change that change is happening, though so I’ll hold out.

I’ll make a dedicated post about this later, but I’m hoping to gain some momentum.


 

I’m running out of steam, so I’ll leave you guys with a picture of Peanut.

IMG_7686
I nudged her awake to take this. She looks good when she wakes up, wish that were me.

 

 

 

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Vomiting Up Water

Oh…

It’s been a few days, hasn’t it.

Well I’ve had an eventful time.


Monday was my first day of college.

I started my time off right by showing up to my first class 12 minutes late, so that’s great.

Samoa also got neutered on Monday.

Not a ton happened, but it was just generally draining.

Then on Tuesday I had another day of classes, also soul crushing, but Tuesday began my great saga of vomit.

Between my second and third class of the day, I had to rush to the bathroom to vomit.

So that was cool.

And then in the afternoon on Wednesday I began a wonderful pattern of vomiting roughly every 45 minutes.

Yesterday I went to CareNow and they say I have some unspecified virus so now I’m just sitting around. I think I’m gonna try to do homework ahead of time or something but I don’t know.

I wasn’t able to keep down water until like noon yesterday but I’ve only puked twice since then so… me: 1 unspecified virus: 0

I don’t know, I’m having a hard time forming thoughts.

I’ll write on here again some other time.

Closing the Store

It feels like every time I write an entry, I’m just pulling stuff out of my *ss.

That’s what I’m doing today too.

So…

I just reached the 1/3 mark in my korean textbook!

I really really like my textbook. Most of my study has been using online resources, but I think having a physical textbook in front of me is really helpful. I think it really helps me to focus because I can’t get notifications on a paper, you know?

I’ve gotta figure out which language I want to take as my foreign language in college. I’ve narrowed down to Mandarin, Russian, or Korean. I think I’m leaning most toward Russian because I generally have the toughest time studying Russian on my own and it’s the language I notice the least progression in with my self-study. I think I could test out of at least beginner Korean and get that credit.

My orientation is in a week and a half and I’m freaking out!!

I’m really worried I’ll panic and burst into tears in the middle of scheduling my classes or something.

*very audible sigh*

I’ve gotta start getting ready for work soon. I’m working another 9 (technically 8) hour shift today. I wish I would get scheduled to open the store more often instead of closing the store pretty much every time I work. I always end up staying up late when I close.

Oh, gosh. I just noticed the time. I’m gonna end this post now. Bye!

Thanks for reading!

ugh

I really feel a need to write a post right now but I don’t have a topic in mind.

I kinda just want to end November on a good note.

I don’t know if this is a problem for other bloggers but with the new wordpress editor, I have a really tough time publishing entries and saving drafts.

It feels like every time I want to do anything, I’m met with an “updating failed” notification.

But I don’t want to dwell on that too much.

Today I finished my mandarin textbook!

I’m really proud of myself.

I’m trying to better incorporate studying into my life with work and stuff. I was really on a roll in spring and summer but it feels like I’ve stagnated across the board since about October. It even feels like my Korean ability has declined! UUUUUUUUUGH

I’m quite worried about how beginning college will affect my lifestyle.

I really don’t want to start college and become- for lack of a better word- worse.

I don’t want to be mean but I know a lot of people in college right now and they’ve taken up drug/alcohol/vaping habits or they seem to have made campus life their livelihood.

I may sound pompous when I say this, but I’ve always considered myself to be above my surroundings.

Not that I think I’m above my peers or something, but I think there’s far more to me than my job or whatever. And I’m certain that most people feel the same way, but I’m scared for myself.

It’s probably a rare fear to think that pursuing “higher education” could drag you down, but that’s what my mind says.

I don’t want the next 4 years of my life to be a time of no improvement. I’m sure there will be personal growth for myself and I’m sure big things will happen to me, but I would personally like to exit college with something to do.

I know it’s a bit of a downer, but nowadays a lot of people exit college and have to go right back into minimum wage labor.

God, I’m so scared.

It feels like every time I do something in regards to college, I regret it about 14 hours later.

I’m scared that at my orientation I’m gonna just burst into tears the second anybody asks me a question.

I’m going to bed.

You know what?

No I’m not.

This new wordpress editor is awful!

I can’t publish anything!

I have had to copy and paste entire posts multiple times into the old editor just so they’ll publish on my blog. The new editor doesn’t even do it’s most basic job.

I’m very pissed off.

Leaving now.

oh no

I’m going to college.

Damn it.

None of this stuff felt final until today.

I’m so, so painfully terrified.

For much of my life I’ve never really thought about my future in too straight forward of terms because honestly, I thought I’d kill myself before anything important is meant to happen. Now I’m at a mental state where suicide isn’t a frequent thought, so everything seems very important.

Now I care about things like my credit score and the prospect of having children, and I’m freaking the hell out.

In the semester I’ve taken off before I eventually enter college in January, I’ve felt a combination of weight lifted off of my shoulders and a deep sense of impending doom.

The weight lifted from my shoulders is mainly caused by:

  • fewer negative social interactions
  • a lower incidence of me being in competitive situations
  • forcing myself to imagine a future in which I’m happy (a very hard task)
  • taking better care of myself (because I have the time to)

The impending sense of doom arises because:

  • It feels like I’m gonna have to go to college if I don’t want to disappoint everyone in my life.
  • I don’t want to go to college even the slightest bit.
  • I’m very good at creating apocalypse like scenarios in my mind.
  • I feel like I’m a decade behind where I should be in life by now.
  • I feel as though all passion I have for the things in life I enjoy is lessening by the day.

So where does that leave me?

Crying at my desk while typing out a blog post that’s gonna make my family mad.

It feels like it’s not safe for me to tell anyone how I feel because everyone dismisses my feelings whenever I talk about them so I’m left yelling into the void.

I should have never applied to college.

I know I won’t be able to handle being labeled a college drop out so I’m gonna have to finish this and that’s gonna leave me more than 50,000 dollars in debt most likely.

It feels like I spend more than 3 hours a day fantasizing about a hypothetical future where I’m happy and every day it feels less and less likely that that future will never come.

I have such big dreams and they’re never gonna come true.

It feels so crushing to see my future self as a failure when it really shouldn’t because I’ve failed at everything I’ve tried so far in life, so it probably wont be a new feeling.

ugh.

I’m not talented enough to make anything of myself in entertainment, I’m not smart enough to do smart people stuff, I’m not subservient enough to do office type work, I’m not pretty enough to get a sugar daddy, I’m not friendly enough to have a rich friend.

I can’t do anything so why try?

And you know what sucks the most?

The responses to this that I envision getting.

Whatever, if you can’t handle me venting about how my dreams are in shambles, you probably won’t be able to watch me fail as bad as I inevitably will.

I feel guilty about feeling as terrible as I do because things could be worse. I could be starving, I could be locked in a basement, I could’ve been murdered when I was 14. But that doesn’t change how I feel.

And how I feel is awful.

I’ll probably end up writing something similar to this for the next few blog posts so I’ll end this one here.

Thanks for reading.

Sorry I’m a downer.

Focusing on My Finances

I got called in to come to work, so I don’t have as much time as I thought I did to blog today…

I’ve been spending all morning trying to figure out how I’m gonna use my paycheck when it comes. I know 2 things I absolutely want to buy and I also am gonna go to my favorite farmers market some time soon so those are a few expenditures. I really wanna save at least 30 dollars from each paycheck though for christmas and stuff.

I am a master money waster.

I shouldn’t be allowed to make financial decisions on my own.

I’m trying to save up for a lot of things:

  • christmas gifts
  • winter stuff
  • a camera that I found on ebay
  • just in case
  • etc etc etc

But of course there’s a very loud part of me screaming to buy anything that’s pastel and fluffy. That part of me is also probably the part of me that hates going to work.

That part of me sucks.

I think once I’m in college I’m gonna really put a lot of focus into maintaining a good financial state. I’m focused on that now of course, but it’ll be even more important when the university tries to gouge my eyes out.

I’m gonna try to get a bit more freelance work because (A) it was really rewarding when I got my Seedling magazine payment (B) I like money and (C) I think my trick will be not buying anything with freelance money until I’m in a place I’ve decided to use it i.e I have enough money to buy a big thing (like a camera) or I’m on vacation. That was a horrible run-on sentence.

So I’m gonna buckle down and focus on my finances.

I’ve even put an expense tracker in my bullet journal so you know I’m serious.

What do y’all do to save money?

Also if you know how… how do I raise my credit score? Asking for a friend. That friend’s name is Mikah.

Well, Here We Go

I sent in my college application today.

I’m scared now. Not of my ability to be accepted (my SAT score warrants automatic admission) but of the college experience™. 

I’ve harped on about it many times that I don’t think college will be a good experience for me, but now it feels super real.

In my application, I said I wanted to major in Linguistics. I don’t know if that’s actually what I want to major in, but I had to select a major for the application. I think when I’m further in the college process I’m gonna talk to a counselor about double majoring in linguistics and music. Those are my two things so I think it would be best for me to not have to make that decision.

I’m really happy that I got the application in before the priority deadline. I wanna get all the administrative stuff out of the way as soon as possible so I can think about school as little as possible.

I’ve never been a person that liked school. I think the classes are always far too slow paced, I hate doing assignments (I love studying though), I am terrible at working in groups, I’ve always felt like a background character in my classmates lives, I’m pretty bad at approaching people and apparently I come across as cold so people are scared to approach me so I have a hard time making real life friends, I’m not a big fan of events, and I’m scared of authority.

So in other words I’m a good test taker.

I’m so lucky that I’m good at not succumbing to peer pressure. Almost all of my high school friends are already drinking and vaping and doing whatever else. I hope I don’t get into that stuff. I think I have a far too addictive personality if I tried stuff like alcohol or tobacco I’d probably get addicted.

I’m trying to make as much content as I can right now before I get ruined by the likely stress of college. I wanna make blogging and creation a seamless part of my life so that this wont fall by the wayside once I’m inundated by assignments and stuff.

I’m gonna focus on my Russian a little bit more before starting college because I’d like for my foreign language in school to be Russian and I think it’d be cool to test out of at least my first Russian course. I know I could easily test out of Korean but I wanna have a good reason to push myself in Russian anyway because I’ve been slacking. It kinda sucks how far behind I am in Russian because it was my first real foreign language other than Spanish (which I don’t count because where I live Spanish is kind of a prerequisite).

I hope I don’t live to regret this.