Closing the Store

It feels like every time I write an entry, I’m just pulling stuff out of my *ss.

That’s what I’m doing today too.

So…

I just reached the 1/3 mark in my korean textbook!

I really really like my textbook. Most of my study has been using online resources, but I think having a physical textbook in front of me is really helpful. I think it really helps me to focus because I can’t get notifications on a paper, you know?

I’ve gotta figure out which language I want to take as my foreign language in college. I’ve narrowed down to Mandarin, Russian, or Korean. I think I’m leaning most toward Russian because I generally have the toughest time studying Russian on my own and it’s the language I notice the least progression in with my self-study. I think I could test out of at least beginner Korean and get that credit.

My orientation is in a week and a half and I’m freaking out!!

I’m really worried I’ll panic and burst into tears in the middle of scheduling my classes or something.

*very audible sigh*

I’ve gotta start getting ready for work soon. I’m working another 9 (technically 8) hour shift today. I wish I would get scheduled to open the store more often instead of closing the store pretty much every time I work. I always end up staying up late when I close.

Oh, gosh. I just noticed the time. I’m gonna end this post now. Bye!

Thanks for reading!

Advertisements

ugh

I really feel a need to write a post right now but I don’t have a topic in mind.

I kinda just want to end November on a good note.

I don’t know if this is a problem for other bloggers but with the new wordpress editor, I have a really tough time publishing entries and saving drafts.

It feels like every time I want to do anything, I’m met with an “updating failed” notification.

But I don’t want to dwell on that too much.

Today I finished my mandarin textbook!

I’m really proud of myself.

I’m trying to better incorporate studying into my life with work and stuff. I was really on a roll in spring and summer but it feels like I’ve stagnated across the board since about October. It even feels like my Korean ability has declined! UUUUUUUUUGH

I’m quite worried about how beginning college will affect my lifestyle.

I really don’t want to start college and become- for lack of a better word- worse.

I don’t want to be mean but I know a lot of people in college right now and they’ve taken up drug/alcohol/vaping habits or they seem to have made campus life their livelihood.

I may sound pompous when I say this, but I’ve always considered myself to be above my surroundings.

Not that I think I’m above my peers or something, but I think there’s far more to me than my job or whatever. And I’m certain that most people feel the same way, but I’m scared for myself.

It’s probably a rare fear to think that pursuing “higher education” could drag you down, but that’s what my mind says.

I don’t want the next 4 years of my life to be a time of no improvement. I’m sure there will be personal growth for myself and I’m sure big things will happen to me, but I would personally like to exit college with something to do.

I know it’s a bit of a downer, but nowadays a lot of people exit college and have to go right back into minimum wage labor.

God, I’m so scared.

It feels like every time I do something in regards to college, I regret it about 14 hours later.

I’m scared that at my orientation I’m gonna just burst into tears the second anybody asks me a question.

I’m going to bed.

You know what?

No I’m not.

This new wordpress editor is awful!

I can’t publish anything!

I have had to copy and paste entire posts multiple times into the old editor just so they’ll publish on my blog. The new editor doesn’t even do it’s most basic job.

I’m very pissed off.

Leaving now.

oh no

I’m going to college.

Damn it.

None of this stuff felt final until today.

I’m so, so painfully terrified.

For much of my life I’ve never really thought about my future in too straight forward of terms because honestly, I thought I’d kill myself before anything important is meant to happen. Now I’m at a mental state where suicide isn’t a frequent thought, so everything seems very important.

Now I care about things like my credit score and the prospect of having children, and I’m freaking the hell out.

In the semester I’ve taken off before I eventually enter college in January, I’ve felt a combination of weight lifted off of my shoulders and a deep sense of impending doom.

The weight lifted from my shoulders is mainly caused by:

  • fewer negative social interactions
  • a lower incidence of me being in competitive situations
  • forcing myself to imagine a future in which I’m happy (a very hard task)
  • taking better care of myself (because I have the time to)

The impending sense of doom arises because:

  • It feels like I’m gonna have to go to college if I don’t want to disappoint everyone in my life.
  • I don’t want to go to college even the slightest bit.
  • I’m very good at creating apocalypse like scenarios in my mind.
  • I feel like I’m a decade behind where I should be in life by now.
  • I feel as though all passion I have for the things in life I enjoy is lessening by the day.

So where does that leave me?

Crying at my desk while typing out a blog post that’s gonna make my family mad.

It feels like it’s not safe for me to tell anyone how I feel because everyone dismisses my feelings whenever I talk about them so I’m left yelling into the void.

I should have never applied to college.

I know I won’t be able to handle being labeled a college drop out so I’m gonna have to finish this and that’s gonna leave me more than 50,000 dollars in debt most likely.

It feels like I spend more than 3 hours a day fantasizing about a hypothetical future where I’m happy and every day it feels less and less likely that that future will never come.

I have such big dreams and they’re never gonna come true.

It feels so crushing to see my future self as a failure when it really shouldn’t because I’ve failed at everything I’ve tried so far in life, so it probably wont be a new feeling.

ugh.

I’m not talented enough to make anything of myself in entertainment, I’m not smart enough to do smart people stuff, I’m not subservient enough to do office type work, I’m not pretty enough to get a sugar daddy, I’m not friendly enough to have a rich friend.

I can’t do anything so why try?

And you know what sucks the most?

The responses to this that I envision getting.

Whatever, if you can’t handle me venting about how my dreams are in shambles, you probably won’t be able to watch me fail as bad as I inevitably will.

I feel guilty about feeling as terrible as I do because things could be worse. I could be starving, I could be locked in a basement, I could’ve been murdered when I was 14. But that doesn’t change how I feel.

And how I feel is awful.

I’ll probably end up writing something similar to this for the next few blog posts so I’ll end this one here.

Thanks for reading.

Sorry I’m a downer.

Focusing on My Finances

I got called in to come to work, so I don’t have as much time as I thought I did to blog today…

I’ve been spending all morning trying to figure out how I’m gonna use my paycheck when it comes. I know 2 things I absolutely want to buy and I also am gonna go to my favorite farmers market some time soon so those are a few expenditures. I really wanna save at least 30 dollars from each paycheck though for christmas and stuff.

I am a master money waster.

I shouldn’t be allowed to make financial decisions on my own.

I’m trying to save up for a lot of things:

  • christmas gifts
  • winter stuff
  • a camera that I found on ebay
  • just in case
  • etc etc etc

But of course there’s a very loud part of me screaming to buy anything that’s pastel and fluffy. That part of me is also probably the part of me that hates going to work.

That part of me sucks.

I think once I’m in college I’m gonna really put a lot of focus into maintaining a good financial state. I’m focused on that now of course, but it’ll be even more important when the university tries to gouge my eyes out.

I’m gonna try to get a bit more freelance work because (A) it was really rewarding when I got my Seedling magazine payment (B) I like money and (C) I think my trick will be not buying anything with freelance money until I’m in a place I’ve decided to use it i.e I have enough money to buy a big thing (like a camera) or I’m on vacation. That was a horrible run-on sentence.

So I’m gonna buckle down and focus on my finances.

I’ve even put an expense tracker in my bullet journal so you know I’m serious.

What do y’all do to save money?

Also if you know how… how do I raise my credit score? Asking for a friend. That friend’s name is Mikah.

Well, Here We Go

I sent in my college application today.

I’m scared now. Not of my ability to be accepted (my SAT score warrants automatic admission) but of the college experience™. 

I’ve harped on about it many times that I don’t think college will be a good experience for me, but now it feels super real.

In my application, I said I wanted to major in Linguistics. I don’t know if that’s actually what I want to major in, but I had to select a major for the application. I think when I’m further in the college process I’m gonna talk to a counselor about double majoring in linguistics and music. Those are my two things so I think it would be best for me to not have to make that decision.

I’m really happy that I got the application in before the priority deadline. I wanna get all the administrative stuff out of the way as soon as possible so I can think about school as little as possible.

I’ve never been a person that liked school. I think the classes are always far too slow paced, I hate doing assignments (I love studying though), I am terrible at working in groups, I’ve always felt like a background character in my classmates lives, I’m pretty bad at approaching people and apparently I come across as cold so people are scared to approach me so I have a hard time making real life friends, I’m not a big fan of events, and I’m scared of authority.

So in other words I’m a good test taker.

I’m so lucky that I’m good at not succumbing to peer pressure. Almost all of my high school friends are already drinking and vaping and doing whatever else. I hope I don’t get into that stuff. I think I have a far too addictive personality if I tried stuff like alcohol or tobacco I’d probably get addicted.

I’m trying to make as much content as I can right now before I get ruined by the likely stress of college. I wanna make blogging and creation a seamless part of my life so that this wont fall by the wayside once I’m inundated by assignments and stuff.

I’m gonna focus on my Russian a little bit more before starting college because I’d like for my foreign language in school to be Russian and I think it’d be cool to test out of at least my first Russian course. I know I could easily test out of Korean but I wanna have a good reason to push myself in Russian anyway because I’ve been slacking. It kinda sucks how far behind I am in Russian because it was my first real foreign language other than Spanish (which I don’t count because where I live Spanish is kind of a prerequisite).

I hope I don’t live to regret this.

It’s College Application Time

hmmm…

It’s another day where I don’t know what to write.

It’s raining outside.

Oh, you know what?

I’m starting my application to college soon. The deadline for the spring semester is October 15th so I’m gonna fill it out early just to get ahead.

*warning, family members don’t get mad at the upcoming content please*

I’m honestly not enthused about the idea of college (surprising, I know), but I don’t wanna disappoint anyone so I might as well plunge myself into debt to avoid stigma.

Right?

I hope that when I’m in college, I have a big break early on so I can have a good excuse to leave because I have a strong suspicion that it will be pure torture for me.

I know that people say you attract what you expect and stuff but I can’t think of any things about college that I would find enjoyable.

Maybe I’ll force myself to finish college so I can be one of those *ssholes that holds their degree over other people’s heads and acts as though spending thousands of dollars to get a title makes you better than anyone else. I think I’ll do that, honestly. I don’t think I wanna be called a college dropout.

Most of my high school friends are in college and honestly looking at their twitters strikes fear into my heart. All they do is complain about the price of textbooks and talk about smoking various substances in cars.

I think I’ll just come and go for classes and nothing else.

I better be successful in life because I don’t wanna die in debt.

Maybe I’ll just use my time in college to get pretty. That’s what everyone else seems to do. They become good-looking and develop addictions.

Is that too mean?

hmm… what else…

I don’t know what I wanna major in.

I want to go into music but I don’t believe I’m talented enough to be successful in music while I also wanna study linguistics because that seems like the easy route but I don’t wanna be a person that gave up on their dreams. ugh.

It makes you feel like a failure when you have friends who not only know what they wanna major in but have entire career paths planned. I know a girl who wants to be a gynecologist! I just want attention!

haha, what if I was the valedictorian?

That would be so awful. There are people who dream of college and stuff and someone like me usurps them. It would never happen because I’m stupid, but that’s a funny thing to imagine. The smart kids would murder me.

At my high school graduation, the valedictorian mispronounced compilation. Honestly that’s proof that school is just about playing the game, so none of those superlatives matter. sorry valedictorians.

OK, at this point I’m just being mean so I’ll end this post here.

graduation’s coming up

pretty excited to be done with this hellhole.

i’m graduating on saturday and i’ll finally be able to unclench my muscles. i’ve been having quite a bit of drama because of a hard time getting work from teachers but now it’s confirmed i’m graduating so now i get to have a few weeks of enjoying myself and then i get to be catapulted into a different torture chamber.

since i’m leaving high school so soon i’ve decided to tell my audience about something about me.

 

i don’t want to go to college.

i’ve never wanted to and despite being told that it’ll be a great time and other lies, i still don’t have any semblance of desire to go to college.

i’m not happy that i’ll be getting forced into thousands of dollars of debt to have a bad time but whatever i guess that’s what i deserve for overachieving in elementary school. should’ve thought it through before putting in the bare minimum of effort in 5th grade and accepting the offer to be in the gifted and talented program because now everyone in my life thinks i have any interest at all in academic endeavors.

of all the things that mortify me about college, the one that gets to me the most is the fact that i’m gonna be forced to be around even more pseudointellectual assholes. which is why i’ve made a resolution for my time in college: i won’t talk to anyone unless i have to. i wont try to make friends, i won’t try to help anyone, i won’t answer questions, i will be silent unless it is absolutely necessary to talk to the people i’ll be forced to be around.

i’m gonna go to class, do my work, do whatever meager job i get in college, and work on my blog and THAT’S IT.

don’t try to convince me i’ll like college because everything i’ve been told i’ll like for the past 17 years has been absolute garbage with the exception of watching little shop of horrors when i was 10. i’ve spoken it into existence so now if you are going to be a classmate of mine in college, please take heed and don’t try to talk to me because i don’t want to talk to you.

 

here’s a terrible webcam picture of me and peanut:

img_20180521_175556