How (a Very Small Number of) Black Women Treat Me and How I Feel About It

Can I process something?

I don’t really know where this is gonna go but I have had something on my mind for the past few days.

I’m terrified, however, of being dragged by the bangs across the internet so I’m gonna try to dance around this topic in as gentle of a way as is possible.

So, at the store I work at probably about 60% of the customers are black women.

Most of my coworkers are also black women.

I’ve spoken on my blog before about my exploration of my racial identity and my odd attempts to reconcile my feelings on my place in the “black community”.

I often find that certain customers will raise their voices at me, look on at me with a face of disdain, and will order me around with no regards for even the simplest of formalities. These same customers upon interacting with my “blacker” coworkers will beam with joy and appear to have spontaneously developed manners.

I would be remiss to not mention that this disparity in manners works the other way around as well; often white and east asian customers will be quite a bit quicker to say please and thank you to me than my more prominently black coworkers.

My blog is about me though so I’m gonna complain about my situation specifically.

When I was a child up until even high school I was often called uppity

I get that. 

I use words like “disparity” casually and really don’t code switch between a formal speech pattern and a casual speech one. I can seem like I’m doing an impression of Ophelia from Hamlet at times. It is totally rational to think that I’m a self aggrandizing narcissist who went to see too many plays (not entirely inaccurate).

I think it’s quite funny, however, that often the people who call me uppity, bougie, or rich girl are in far better financial positions than me.

When I was a child I remember a girl would call me bougie and push my glasses into my face. That girl, upon leaving school for the day, would return home to a mother who is a doctor and a father who is a lawyer. 

Oftentimes in my childhood I would be mocked for being a rich kid by kids wearing Jordans as I padded through life in payless moccasins.

I think it’s rational to draw a comparison between my childhood bullying and the hostility I am met with now. 

I think I’m gonna sound like a whiny lightskin here, but especially in high school the word uppity would be accompanied by the term lightskin.

Just saying there’s probably an association there.

I really don’t think it’s a coincidence that people are hostile toward me upon simply observing me. I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that the same thing happens to my darker skinned coworkers. It’s probably not a coincidence as well that the rude women I deal with have a similar complexion to my childhood bullies. And I really don’t believe that the customers in the store don’t know that I make barely over minimum wage.

I think it’s important to not develop blanket hostility toward a group because of specific instances of less than satisfactory experiences. It’s pretty tough to do that though.

I’m a pretty sensitive person. When customers raise their voices at me I’m often on the verge of tears by the time they’ve gotten in their car to leave the store. I get that it’s really easy to tell people to toughen up. I think it would be a better use of resources to tell people to not be *ssholes though.

I don’t have a solution to any of this.

I don’t even have a satisfying conclusion to draw from this.

I notice that my coworkers are better at dealing with terrible customers than I am (at least on the surface).

I think that can be attributed to all sorts of things. They could just not be sensitive like me. They could be more experienced with dealing with mean people. They could be hardened by living harder lives than me.

I’m gonna pull out my hypothesis for why I think stuff like this really gets to me though.

I think as a person who deviates in the ways that I do, you often feel like people with more concrete traits have a community while you don’t. I feel sometimes that people lay on a spectrum and when you have a definite space on the spectrum you’re more likely to sit in the same space as others. I feel like i swing on a rope over the spectrum wearing nothing but a wizard hat and gogo boots. It’s an uncomfortable feeling. The boots are too small.

So…

I don’t have much to say.

I wrote a post very similar to this yesterday. It was 3000 words long and really great and I don’t like this one even half as much.

Thanks for reading though.

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Just Answer the Question!

As you may know I work at a clothing store.

Yesterday a customer came in and she pissed me all the way off.

She came in with 3 other people to get a gift for her sisters birthday. She asked me to get items off of mannequins, she complained about the lack of shoes in certain sizes, and all of that wouldv’e been fine had she not done what she did when I was ringing up her items.

In the system our register uses we have to ask if the customer wants a gift receipt before the regular receipt will print. Of course I could just press no and print the receipt but I don’t want to deny anyone of a gift receipt that they may want so I always ask.

As I was scanning her items she seemed really annoyed and every time I would speak she would cringe. I guess I have an annoying voice to her. So as she was staring at anything but me I finally built up the courage to say "would you like a gift receipt?" 

She asked me "Why?"

What kind of answer is that!?

I said "You're buying your sister a gift, would you like a gift receipt?"

She stared at me for a solid 8 seconds before saying, "Yes, I'm buying a gift but why would you ask me that?" As though she was offended!

Her son who seemed to be embarassed by his mothers obtuseness leaned in and said "Mom, it's a yes or no question."

She doubled down and said "I know that but it's her size and she'll like it so why would she ask me about a gift receipt?"

I wanted to scream at her "I DON'T KNOW YOUR SISTER! SAY YES OR NO!" but I'm the most weak person to ever live so I said "Ma'am is that a no?" 

She rolled her eyes and said "Of course not" and then mumbled to herself "What's she talking about a gift receipt for".

I was so livid that I wanted to just throw the dress at her but I'm amazing at my job so I pressed no on the cash register and asked her a final question: "would you like you receipt in the bag?"

I prayed on the inside that she wouldn't say something stupid but she replied "Give me the receipt so I can make sure you didn't mess it up!" and tore it out of my hand!

aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

So I kept my cool and just gave her her bag and said "thank you have a nice day."

She rolled her eyes and walked out with her husband, her son, and whatever the lady she brought with her was. As she walked out I heard her husband say "you were too hard on her" and she responded "shut up."

How rude can you get!

I’m still mad and I needed to vent.

If you’ve ever worked customer service tell me a time you got pissed. I’d love to hear.

Thanks for reading!

You ever feel like life is looking up and then things come crashing back down?

I’ve had an eventful 2 days. I feel like a piece of garbage for not posting but there’s nothing I can do now, is there?

So yesterday, our air conditioner was acting up as usual so we did what we always do: turn off the cooling function and turn on the fans. After about 5 minutes of the fans being on, my mom smelled an electrical burning scent and next thing you know there were 4 firetrucks outside of our house.

Don’t worry (I know you wouldn’t worry anyway but bear with me), there wasn’t a real fire there just almost was one. The fan was burning out and luckily the a/c was turned off at the breaker before an actual fire could start.

So our air conditioner is absolutely ruined.

We waited for about 8 hours in the heat for the repair men to come and bring us some temporary window units, but they never came. My mom eventually got fed up and we ended up packing everyone up and transporting the animals and ourselves to a motel for the night. I slept for roughly 3 hours because the animals kept getting loud and scratching at their crates, keeping my mom and I up.

Now we’re back at home and my moms friends brought us some window a/c units. It’s still hot in the house but it’s getting better.

You ever notice how things like this never happen when you’re at an ok place in life? It’s always when everything you care about is down the drain.

ugh I wanna be angry and negative so bad but it seems like every time I express the full range of human emotion people get mad at me.

I really should’ve made this blog anonymous.

 

 

guess i gotta talk about graduation

i graduated yesterday.

i’ll just give a recap of yesterday so we can get to the pictures faster.

i woke up at about 8 AM and started getting ready for the ceremony at around 9 AM. i arrived at the school at 11 AM and we kind of just sat there until 12 when they bussed us to the venue. we ran the ceremony for some select students and then waited for a while longer.

the ceremony started at 2:30 PM and it was a graduation… not particularly interesting.

i was released at like 4:15 PM

now here’s a few carefully curated pictures (group photos and unedited photos omitted)

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me in the ceremonial blue sack

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my outfit that was obscured by the aforementioned blue sack

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my makeup

since i have a captive audience i wanna make observations so here’s a bulleted list of what i noticed and my opinions

  • they should really reconsider the cobalt blue polyester sack look at my school. i recommend they: make the gown black, shorten the gown, make the gown white, let us belt it, invest in a more breatheable fabric, and/or allow gown modifications (i.e enamel pins, tailoring, patches, tiedye, whatever)
  • the valedictorian mispronounced the word “compilation” during her speech and i lost a bit (a lot) of hope
  • one of the kids i sat near smelled like weed again
  • i will never understand why the ceremony has a very patriotic overtone
  • a lot of people graduated in jeans, that’s a power move
  • there should be alternative cap styles for people with natural hair so that they don’t have to ruin their hair just to stick a cardboard square on their head
  • somebody needs to make a diagram of how the cap should be worn because some people had the point in between their eyebrows and others had it sitting on their crown and nobody knew what was right
  • kids shouldn’t get punished for dancing on stage when they get their diploma. they’re just happy and/or this may be the only way for them to get attention and as an attention whore i support anyone getting attention in non-harmful ways
  • there was only 1 photo taken per person by the professional photographers and i think that’s a disaster waiting to happen
  • we should be allowed to get cords and stoles even if we aren’t NHS members because some of us (me) were qualified to receive cords but can’t wear or accept them since we decided to not buy into national honors society

no, for the last time i don’t want to do yoga

happy one month anniversary to my blog!

for my monthaversary i thought i should talk about something very notable in my life that also happens to be plagueing the ed recovery community.

 

yoga

 

i don’t want to do fucking yoga.

 

i understand the appeal especially if you have an affinity for flip flops and fermented beverages but for the love of god can people stop recommending that i try yoga during my recovery?

ill give you a solid list of reasons i dont want to do yoga so that whenever yoga is proposed to me again i can link to this post.

  • i don’t like being told what to do
  • i’m very flexible so any yoga i’ve tried in the past has been extremely unchallenging
  • i don’t want to  be surrounded by people who likely drink kombucha
  • i’m still pretty wary of exercise so putting me in a situation where i could easily become obsessed is probably a bad idea
  • i smell funny when i sweat no matter how strong my deodorant is and id rather not be the smelliest one in a yoga class
  • there is from what i’ve seen very little progression in yoga and id rather not stagnate
  • i don’t wanna spend money on exercise when i can easily do squats in my living room
  • not to be vain but i have always exercised for aesthetic purposes only and a “yoga body” isn’t my goal
  • hot yoga = ew
  • i don’t wanna fuck up my feet (also a reason i don’t do barre)
  • i have a fear of authority
  • i’m not a spiritual person in any sense so i don’t wanna partake in that aspect of yoga either
  • i feel it would be a disservice for me, a very unspiritual person, to take part in something so spiritual
  • most “yogis” are way too crunchy and don’t pay much respect to the cultural roots of yoga
  • the whole energy stuff screams pseudoscience to me
  • being surrounded by upper-middle class women aged 24-35 doused in lululemon is my personal hell

thanks for reading my list of complaints

please attack me yogis