Morning Pages: September 26th, 2018

Hello.

Wanna read 900 words of nonsense?

You’re in the right place.

I have a video uploading to youtube right now (I’ll embed it if it finishes uploading while I’m typing) and it’s kinda nonsensical. I wanna make really consistent videos on there rather than videos that don’t have any unifying factor but I also just wanna post whatever I film. It’s tough to figure out which feeling is stronger.

I kinda wanna start making beauty videos. I may start posting those in conjunction with other types of videos. I think I have some unique perspectives when it comes to stuff like hair and makeup because I rarely see people who do their hair and makeup like I do.

You know what, I’m glad I started typing this because I’ve decided that’s what I’m gonna do.

Did you guys know they sell vegan cheese at Aldi now!?

It’s really good too!

If you shop at Aldi and they have the vegan cheese in stock, I recommend you buy some. The mozzarella shreds have that bite to them that dairy mozzarella has and it’s really nice. It also gets stringy when it melts like dairy mozzarella.

I finally surpassed 300 instagram followers last night! My big goal is to reach 1000 before my next birthday (August of 2019), so it’s pretty exciting to be 3/10 of the way there.

Instagram is great. I think a lot of people are unfairly critical of social media in general, but especially instagram. In my opinion, instagram is like a magazine but you get to personally curate what you want to see. A lot of people say it gives people body dysmorphia and eating disorders, but I think that’s a super disrespectful take. People with body dysmorphia are mentally ill and so are people with eating disorders. As a person who is literally recovering from an eating disorder, I think it’s super reductive to blame an app for people experiencing eating disorders. I think maybe if we wanted to reduce the amount of eating disorder patients, we should try to focus on debunking body based stereotypes. I know a lot of my ED stuff comes from not wanting to seem lazy, tough, or manly. If we didn’t associate higher weights with negative traits like laziness and masculinity (in women, I know masculinity isn’t a bad thing) we would likely see fewer people going to unhealthy extents to lose weight.

But back to instagram.

I love being able to see what a person values in life. I think what a person put on their instagram page is very telling as to what they value. For example, I follow a friend who really values the inside jokes she shares with her friends so a lot of her posts are cryptic inside jokes. In my case, I really value aesthetics and nature so my entire feed it visually focused and my captions are particularly uninteresting. I refuse to post things on my instagram that I don’t find aesthetically pleasing whereas a lot of people will post something they may find ugly because they value it.

That’s cool!

You know what’s making me kinda sad?

Tumblr is dying out.

Why couldn’t it be reddit!?

For years, tumblr was my number one social media network and it’s depressing to see that most of the people on there now are discourse arguers and men looking for girls to send creepy messages to. I miss back when there were people who had personality based tumblrs. I don’t wanna name names because I follow a lot of the people who come to mind on twitter and they’re ashamed of their tumblr days so I won’t embarrass them. You don’t see a lot of people who’s tumblrs are about them as people anymore and that sucks. My tumblr is still like that, I post the photos I don’t think fit my instagram on there mainly and the occasional crossposted blog post.

I wish reddit would die instead of tumblr.

I don’t understand why anyone is voluntarily going on there at this point. The layout is ugly, it’s crawling with neonazis, and it’s not new user friendly (I know because I tried to give reddit a real chance recently, terrible idea). ugh.

I guess since I’m talking about social media, I’ll keep that theme.

Facebook should die with reddit.

Is that a super hot take?

It’s also got an ugly layout and is also crawling with neonazis. I mainly use facebook to keep up with my family members who don’t use other websites. I also occasionally take part in facebook group threads for bloggers and stuff like that but that doesn’t make facebook better.

Hmm… I’ve only got about 120 words left.

I’ll tell you about my plans for today.

I’m gonna try to film another video, photograph Maddie, and go to the psychiatrist. I think when I get home for the night and I feel like I’ve done everything I want to do for the day, I wanna watch Black Panther again. I adore Black Panther.

I think I should focus on Russian for my daily studies today. It’s been a few too many days since my last good Russian study session. I think in the coming few weeks I’m gonna try to get back into using memrise. I used to be a big memrise user, in fact when I was 14 it was the only way I studied for about 8 months.

ooo. we’re at 905 words.

My video is still uploading so I guess I’ll embed my youtube video in a different post. sorry 😦

Thanks for reading!

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We’re Getting Somewhere

I started my “blog every day in September” challenge for myself because I felt I was making lower quality content than I prefer.

Well I think I’m hitting a stride, dudes!

I think my last like 5 posts have been great and it’s shown because my daily views have been 2x their average! yay!!!!!!!

I love blogging and it makes me so happy when I’m rewarded for my efforts!

I’ve been thinking a lot about how blog awards used to be a big deal. I’d love to win a blog award some day and I think if I wanna reach that goal I need to make great content like I’ve been making.

I guess I should give some tips for anyone who’s trying to improve their content in teh way I have.

  • make a lot of posts (try every day)
  • try to take pictures (visual elements make blog entries more interesting for a lot of people)
  • try to have a narrative center
  • post whenever an idea comes to mind
  • try writing morning pages
  • be absolutely shameless

With the improvements I’ve been noticing on my blog I think I should focus some energy on my youtube channel now. I set a goal to post 5 times on my channel this month and I’ve only posted twice. 😦

I’m still gonna post daily for the rest of this month but I’m just gonna do my best to post a few more youtube videos.

I’ve tried to film a 2 videos this week but I hated them so much that I deleted them half way through editing. 😦

So my goal is to not delete any videos for the rest of September and hopefully that’ll get me to 5 videos. Genius right?

To end this post I’ll give you a photo I took before filming a video I deleted.

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I’m not yelling, I’m making faces.

 

My Favorite Weather and Other Stuff

I’m very happy today because the weather is exactly to my liking.

I’m very strongly affected by the weather when it comes to my mood and if the weather is in my opinion bad, I’m less motivated, less enthusiastic, harder to excite, and more sedentary.

So what constitutes good weather to me?

  • clouds
  • rain
  • cold temperatures (even though it never gets truly cold where I live)
  • snow is my ultimate favorite but again, it only snows like every other year
  • dark skies
  • when the grass looks technicolor bright
  • petrichor scent
  • the general season of winter

I’ve always wondered if I may have seasonal affective disorder (or whatever it’s called) but I’m depressed in summer rather than winter.

I’m so excited that summer is ending!

I sometimes wish I was born in winter so I could have a real birthday celebration. In summer everyone is busy going on vacation and doing summer stuff that it feels like I’d be inconveniencing my friends if I invited them to celebrate my birthday with me, so for the past like 4-5 years I haven’t tried to do anything for my birthday.

Next year I think I’m gonna try to throw myself a birthday party for the first time in my life. Don’t get confused and think I’ve never had a birthday party: I’ve had a few. I’ve just never thrown one for myself.

It’s on my bucket list to have a real birthday party and I think if I start planning early I’ll be over the anxiety in time for next August.

That sounds crazy when I read it.

Ugh! Poptart just pissed on my thigh high boots 😦

I semi-dried them, I’ll clean them off after posting this.

I thought this would be a good substantial post about weather but honestly I wanna write about other things in my life right now.

My mom got me a gift that makes me really happy yesterday.

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The back says “Love always, Marshmallow”

I wish Mel was still here. We should be getting his ashes soon and I’m hoping to be finished with the scrapbook page I’m making before we get them.

The page is red and white themed because I’m 90% sure his favorite color was red. All his favorite foods and toys were red so I’m just drawing conclusions but I like to give traits like that to all of my pets. Sometimes people cringe when I say things about my pets favorite colors and songs but I can really see how certain stimuli change their demeanor! Like Poptart loves older VIXX songs while Peanut likes City and Color. I’m sorry for these people that they don’t connect with animals the way I do.

I need to get some pictures of Marshmallow printed because I need them for my memorial and to frame. He was so pretty.

I can’t wait to live my dream of having a small house near the mountains with a herd of chianina cattle on the property and a ton of rabbits in the house. I think to memorialize Mel I’m gonna name all my future rabbits M names. I already have Marzipan, Mochi, Mango, and Mellocreme chosen. I’d prefer they all be food names but it’s tough to come up with M food names for rabbits. I like giving all of my pets fun names. It kinda creeps me out when people have dogs named Bill.

I always wished I was named Cinnamon when I was a kid (my club penguin name was cinnamoncyrus because I loved the name Cinnamon and Miley Cyrus). When/ if I have kids of my own loins (I already have names chosen) I want them to all have interesting names. Not if  they’re adopted, I wouldn’t force a kid to change their name to fit my theme of anything.

I also went by Krystal and Venus for short periods of my childhood. I wish I started liking my name at a younger age. I really like it now because it’s pretty unique and people think it’s cool. When I was a kid though, teachers would always think I was a boy before meeting me and kids made so many jokes about my name. I think it’s kinda cool that people think Mikah is a stage name. I really get messages on tumblr and emails asking if it’s my real name. It is! I’ll add that to my FAQ. 

Maybe some day Mikah will be a name like Beyonce where people name their kids that and then their kid feels like they have to live up to their name (I know a few younger girls [born around 2004] named Beyonce and they feel like they live in a shadow).

Fingers crossed!

Thanks for reading!

(❁´◡`❁)

 

Don’t Stalk Me ♡

Well I’m anxious.

Last night I watched a video from a guy named Quinton Reviews about being a youtuber and starting a channel and stuff like that and one thing he said kinda got to me.

He said that when you’re starting a channel you need to be very private about yourself i.e not posting landmarks in your area and not talking about where you’re from. He said he doesn’t love that people use his online username when they see him in real life and he’s afraid of being stalked now that his audience is big.

I guess since I’m an attention seeker I don’t hate the idea of somebody recognizing me in a grocery store (once I’m a person that matters), but I don’t love the idea of being stalked.

I like to imagine that people don’t have a good idea of where I’m from because I don’t really share stuff like what school I went to or even the city I live in but still I’m very aware of how easy it is to figure out where somebody is from via looking at their IRL friends info or tracking their IP address.

Do you remember the cicada 3301 conspiracy scavenger hunt thing?

I remember listening to the audio tracks when people leaked them to the public.

But the reason I mention it is because a bit of the hunt involved tracking IP addresses.

It’s weird to think about the percentage of technologically illiterate people in comparison to people who can fully figure out what somebody else is about.

But to my comfort, the majority of people who use the internet are technologically illiterate and also likely don’t care about me enough to track me down and shoot through my windows like that dude did to that twitch streamer.

Part of this post came to mind as I was taking pictures of a rainbow and a sign showing the miles to a city near mine was obstructing my view.

I did eventually get a non-city-disclosing photo thought and I think you guys should see it.

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So if you’re a person who’s super interested in me and you have the urge to stalk me, maybe don’t. I’m very nice and if you comment or reach out to me I’m very likely to respond, so you won’t have to track me down to have a nice conversation with me. ♡

While you’re here, you might as well follow my blog! I post daily and sometimes the posts are good! ♡

A Look at 13 Year Old Me

I found an old SD card from when I was in 8th grade recently.

I only got the courage to look at the files on it today and wow…

I was annoying.

I’m not going to pretend that I’m a completely non-annoying person nowadays because I honestly annoy myself sometimes but whew!

I feel bad for everyone that spent time around me at that age.

I guess since I love embarassing myself, I’ll show you some of the astounding photos I took in 2013 (photos and videos with others in them are excluded but trust me those photos are awful too).

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I thought taking blurry photos was the height of comedy (i still kinda do)
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take note of the deep side part
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does every girl have a colored mascara phase?
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I really wasn’t as ugly as I thought I was
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This was my instagram profile photo for over a year.
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I think N.O from BTS is playing on the laptop in the background… (I still like that song)
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and in this one Voodoo Doll from VIXX is on in the background (no regrets, still holds up)
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This was the first photo I ever uploaded to tumblr… Don’t try to find it on there, I deleted that blog

I think someday I’m gonna look back at the way I am now and feel the same gut wrenching horror that I feel when I look through this SD card today, but that’s not gonna stop me from being me for now.

It kinda makes me uncomfortable to see the similarities between 13 year old me and 18 year old me (i.e an undying love of eyeliner and a habit of taking a lot of pictures of myself).

It also makes me sad to be reminded of my mental state during this phase. I remember always feeling like I was reaching for something that I could never grasp. I still feel that way really often. At this age and throughout high school, I felt like I was constantly getting close to getting the approval that I so desperately craved, but it would never come in full. I was the understudy. I was in the background. I was around in case something bad happened to the people that mattered.

I don’t think these feelings of inadequacy will ever go away but at least my braces did.

So thanks for walking down this horrible, unpaved memory lane with me. I hope my braces didn’t gross you out.

Hurricanes, Gorillaz, and Vaping

Let’s find something to talk about…

hmm…

On twitter people are talking about

  • Hurricane Florence
  • Paul Manafort
  • Eminem (ew)
  • Kelly Clarkson
  • Justin Bieber & Hailey Baldwin (Who is she? Is she related to Alec Baldwin?)
  • public breastfeeding (again? I thought we all agreed its fine back in like 2016?)
  • farm workers rights
  • statutory rape
  • bikini waxes
  • Amy Winehouse (it’s her birthday)
  • BTS’ new japanese song and the scandal surrounding a songwriter
  • Bebe Rexha (Why are we giving her attention?)

It’s a pretty slow news day I guess.

Everything worthwhile is about the hurricane though so I guess I’ll say something…

Uh…

I don’t have anything to say about the hurricane.

I’ve never been in a hurricane…

I hope everybody is ok…

 

 

This post is dry.

 

 

 

Let’s check…

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wait…

Gorillaz is trending!?

A new gorillaz video came out??

And noone told me??

Let’s watch it and review and maybe this post won’t be dry anymore.

OK, I have the video pulled up, I have paused my podcast, and I am ready to write.

A review of Tranz by Gorillaz.

  • first thing: noodle has a new hair color (and boobs)
  • this feels like a combination of plastic beach and demon days in tone
  • no murdoc… but a new green dude
  • the video reminds me of feels like we only go backwards by tame impala
  • AAA
  • it ended so quickly!
  • OK, the video is over, lets review
  • I liked the song, I don’t think it’ gonna be a big hit for me personally but I don’t like most upbeat music because I’m a sad sad person
  • the song feels like a bit of a return to form for Gorillaz to me
  • I really liked the keyboard riff about 1/3 of the way through the song
  • I didn’t really listen to the lyrics so I’m not gonna criticize it, I also don’t normally… care about lyrics because I consider the voice an instrument so I honestly don’t care what people have to say. Is that shallow?
  • I liked the way the voice was a little distorted and muffled
  • um.. yeah
  • that’s my review

I’m god awful at reviewing music.

Oh you know something that got to me?

The FDA made a statement that they’re cracking down on vape pen distributors.

I think this is great.

Honestly it terrifies me when I see the people I went to high school with talking about vaping and juuling so much. I swear like 50% of them are obsessed with it. I’m scared they’ll develop nicotine dependencies.

Why do people think this is cool?

It makes you look like a low budget stoner who can’t develop a personality trait outside of blowing smoke.

I don’t hate people who vape in general because I understand that it’s a far better alternative to cigarettes and it helps people beat addictions, but I know so many people who’ve never smoked a cigarette before and spend all their time juuling in their honda civics and it’s pathetic!

Nicotine ruins peoples lives!

People my age have gone their whole lives knowing this!

I hope nobody who vapes as a hobby moves on to smoking real cigarettes.

Whoa.

This post really crosses the whole spectrum of topics doesn’t it.

I guess I’ll end this here.

I may post again later today.

Please follow my blog!

 

A Day in the Life: September 11th, 2018

I woke up at about 7:30 to the sound of the dogs barking.

I felt hazy and ended up sitting in bed petting Peanut, Poptart and Maddie until about 8:45 when I finally got up to pee and say hi to my mom. I sat in bed with my mom for about 30 minutes and pet Posh and Samoa as Mulan played in the background and my mom crocheted.

Sometime around 9:30 I moved the cacophony of items that I carry around the house with me to the living room where I listened to a podcast and ate my breakfast. I had oatmeal with peanut butter. Around here is when my feet start to feel cold.

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I then decided that I want to have marinated tofu as a part of my dinner so knowing that the tofu tastes best if it’s marinated all day, I went to the kitchen and mixed up the marinade and cut my tofu into cubes. I then put the tofu in the marinade and then the fridge to sit while the rest of my day unfolds.

I eventually felt paralysed by lack of productivity so I moved my belongings from the coffee table to my desk at about 11:00. Once my items were set down I began to prepare to study.

My pre-study routine consists of drinking some water and stretching for about 15 minutes.

I then sat down to study.

Once I sat down and crossed my legs I noticed that the soles of my feet were purple from being cold.

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Can you even tell that they’re purple in this photo?

I studied Korean for about 2 hours and then Japanese for 35 minutes.

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After studying for a while, I had “lunch”.

I don’t wanna tell you what I ate.

I also posted a photo on my instagram which was impossible to think of a caption for so I just captioned it *insert caption here*. I’m trying to post more on instagram because I like curating content and attention so I try to post even if I feel like I have nothing to put up.

I then sat down again and studied Russian for about 30 minutes.

Pretty swiftly after I wrapped up my Russian study session my mom asked me to make her a cup of coffee so I did and I checked the mail. We got ads.

I went on twitter for about 10 minutes and read Ari Fleischers timeline of 9/11. It’s really interesting to see what happened for the people on Air Force One, so I recommend you look him up and read his tweets from today. I also read some of the happy birthday tweets for RM from BTS. I’ll wish him a happy birthday tomorrow when the date matches up.

At this point I feel aimless so I decide to see if there’s anything new on youtube and it turns out Lindsey Ellis posted a video! I love her video essays so that got me excited so I dropped everything to watch it while doing some of my planning for tomorrow.

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Once the video drew to a close I decided  should write my blog post for today.

Here we are…

It’s not even 17:00 yet so I still have more of a day ahead.

I think I’m gonna do a load of laundry tonight.

My day was ok and I hope you had an ok day as well.