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my frustrating headaches

i’ve always gotten the occasional god-awful headache so my issue isn’t new but i’ve been especially frustrated by my headaches lately.

i’m trying to minimize the amount that i look at bright screens and i’ve been taking pain meds and enclosing myself in dark rooms yet my headaches never improve until they eventually go away on their own.

the weird thing about my headaches is that they resonate through my whole head. i get a sore jaw and my eyelids hurt and even my throat gets tight.

i’m compelled to talk about this because as of 13:00 july 9th i’ve been dealing with a headache for 26 hours. at this point i’m just cohabiting with it.

i’ve done all the things google tells me to do and nothing helps. the only thing that makes me feel better is looking down. raising my eyes is pure torture so my current prerogative is staring at the ground.

let’s lighten up this post.

you’ve never met my moms dogs.

their names are Posh and Samoa. they’re french bulldogs

here they are:

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Samoa
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Posh

posh fell asleep in my lap today and you should see it

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makes the headache less awful.

p.s i watermark my photos now, i saw a nature picture i took on somebody elses tumblr without credit so i feel a need to keep my photos to myself 😦 don’t steal, kids

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not much to say

it feels like i don’t have anything to write about right now.

my blog is so jumbled and about everything yet i still have nothing to write about that i feel belongs on here.

i guess i’ll make a bulleted list because those always help me write something

  • i’ve been enjoying my walks a lot but i think there’s something wrong with my gait because my left shin always hurts half way through the walk
  • my middle splits have gotten deeper. i think it’s because i warm up better before stretching
  • i changed the way i do my eyeliner on my lower lashline. i leave a little space in the outer corner between my waterline and my eyeliner
  • the mint in our front yard is getting giant
  • i have an ameba account now if that matters to you (mikahvictoria)
  • i played the disney tsum tsum app for the first time in a few months this morning and i love it just as much as i always did (i got a moana tsum today!)
  • my mom and i are going on a trip to virginia to see her friend in less than a week
  • i’ve been craving falafel for like 3 weeks. it’s nice to get cravings. i kinda never did for a few years when my ed was worse
  • i think i’ve lost weight because i tried on my jeans a few days ago and they’re looser
  • marshallow got a new bowl that’s bigger and he seems happy to eat more
  • i accidentally ordered 10 bars of mango ice cream scented soap ( i thought it was 4 bars) but i’m happ because that just means it’s less money per bar
  • i have a new cursor on my blog. do you like it?
  • i really like the new habits i’ve added to my habit tracker. it makes filling in the squares less mundane.
  • my japanese skills have improved exponentially in just the past week since i’ve put more focus into the language
  • duolingo changed the way the spanish tree works so if i want to maintain my finished status i have to do like 15 lessons again
  • i have just a few more lessons until i’ve finished the korean, japanese, and swahili trees on duolingo
  • i changed my instagram bio (@dearmikah)
  • i’ve been getting more blog views from ukraine. hi ukraine!
  • i’ve been really insecure about my jaw line recently. i feel like it’s gotten a lot bigger over the years.
  • i’ve been understanding articles on naver better recently so i guess my reading comprehension in korean is improving
  • my dress should arrive between today and the 23rd. that’s a wide margin but it doesn’t matter because i’m so excited

 

yeah.

is that good content?

i think that’s a good amount of stuff to write for a day.

here’s a picture of poptart sleeping

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stickers added in line camera (he’s shy he doesn’t want you to see his ween)
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the difference opening the blinds makes

i very rarely open the blinds in my bedroom but i did today.

i really like how having a bit more natural light in my room makes me feel and makes my belongings look.

i don’t think this will be a daily thing because i think on an average day where i live there is far too much sun for comfort but today is nice and cloudy so i’m happy to have the light.

peanut seems to like it too as she is laying facing the window.

everybody else in my room (maddie and poptart) seems a bit bemused. they’re under a chair.

here’s a picture of me and peanut

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ED Recovery

ED recovery update #9

i really wanna relapse.

it’s so hard to feel good about yourself when you feel like you have no self control.i’m very aware of the fact that me eating at all is control oriented because if i really had no control i would starve.

i have one really good motivator for not relapsing though…

i don’t wanna lose my hair again.

fun fact about me: i have a few bald spots because my hair would fall out in clumps at the height of my ED.

right now i’m just focusing on eating anything 3 times a day. i think if i can get through this moment where my urges are strong i’ll be able to revert to my positive eating habits, so i’m kinda just waiting this out.

ヽ(  ´  ∇  `  )ノ

p.s

i’m working on a language learning tips post right now but it requires a lot of photos and thus a lot of photo editing.

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100th post

this is my 100th post on my blog!

i think since this is a milestone i should discuss important topics.

topic 1:

there are “tent cities” or as i like to call them “internment camps” across the southern U.S full of separated parents and children who had the audacity to cross the border *sarcasm*

this morning i cried because of this.

for almost my whole life i’ve felt supreme discomfort about u.s immigration policy. it is important in discussions about immigration policy that we don’t specifically villianize republican politicians while not criticizing democrats. i believe we should villianize everyone who hasn’t expressed any sort of radical praxis on the topic, but maybe that’s just me. please remember that obama didn’t do all too much to make it easier to immigrate and clinton spearheaded an act that allowed people to be deported for misdemeanors rather than the former policy of deportation for felonies with a >5 year sentence.

this is kind of all over the place because honestly this is a very emotional topic for me and it’s a big motivating factor for why i don’t plan on living in the U.S for my whole life and why i am proud to have quite a few “radical leftist” beliefs.

topic 2:

on a lighter note, on sunday i saw the incredibles 2 and it was amazing.

fun fact about me: the first movie i ever remember watching was the incredibles.

i was surprised by how few children there where in the theatre but i guess i get it because so many people (like myself) waited 13 years for it.

i don’t wanna review the movie but i do wanna say a few things so i’ll put my thoughts in a bulleted list.

  • elastigirl is so hot oh my god
  • i had to pee during the movie so i missed some of the jack jack and raccoon scene 😦
  • i tried mustard for the first time during this movie because my movie theatre offers soft pretzels and i felt spontaneous. mustard’s ok.
  • the short before, Bao, was so adorable and it’s gonna be the topic of the next few bullet points
  • i cried like an idiot for the whole short
  • i enjoyed getting to practice with some chinese characters when looking at the produce boxes
  • it’s probably one of my favorite pixar shorts (after piper and lava)
  • i hope disney releases bao tsum tsums like they did for 4 of the other shorts at d23 last year because you know i would be first in line to buy those

 

topic 3:

if you know me you know i have to reference beyonce and jay z’s new album

i just need to say that i love beyonce so much and meeting her is on my bucket list

that’s all

topic 4:

let’s get introspective

thank you all for reading my blog it’s really been helpful  for me to feel like i’m speaking truthfully to others because honestly i don’t tend to talk to others about my thoughts much because i hate being confrontational and generally people seem to be hostile toward my opinions *cough cough*.

i just… really wish i felt comfortable to talk about the thing that’s been weighing on my mind the most: college. but to be truthful i don’t think many people in my life are willing to listen to me. that’s that on that and i won’t discuss it further.

 

so now that i’ve been acceptably angsty i’ll just say thanks for reading.

talk to you later

here’s a picture of me for the road

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yes i wear sweaters in the summer
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untitled post 1

i didn’t wanna title this post because it’s kind of meaningless.

i’m just gonna ramble for a while and i hope you enjoy reading it.

 

today i ordered a white photography backdrop on amazon. i wanna start getting into self photography like Alissa Ashley. she takes wonderful self portraits and i wanna do it too so i’m starting my journey with a plain backdrop. i considered getting a pink backdrop but i thought that may get to be a little tacky if it’s my only backdrop.

i also ordered another chinese character practice book because the one i’m using now is almost full.

*i used a gift card i got for graduation from some family friends (thanks Julia & Brian) to order stuff so don’t think i have money cause i don’t.

i’m thinking about becoming more of a photographer because i really like taking (and editing) pictures and honestly i need a new hobby.

 

here’s a terrible picture of my bullet journal setup for this week that i meant to post on saturday but didn’t.

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i used my stabilo point 88 pens in my bullet journal for the first time for the letters in this week.

maybe i’ll start posting my bullet journal weekly spread each week. would that be cool?

zit update: the pimple under my nostril exploded while i was washing my face last night and now i have a giant scab in its place. i’m a little upset because now i’m definitely gonna get a scar but i’m still in pain.  (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻

 

i’ve been loving kaomoji recently. that’s the little faces made of characters that i sometimes have in my posts by the way. i wish other people in the u.s used them because they’re so much cuter than emojis. emojis (specifically the yellow face ones) are god awful ugly. i’m ok with the flowers and animals and my personal favorite: the hole emoji, but people really overuse the yellow faces and they aren’t cute.

what a vapid thing to worry about. there are people dying.

let’s talk about something more serious. did you know that the AIDS rate among heterosexuals is rapidly increasing? that’s terrifying. nowadays it feels like HIV and AIDS are dying out in the US but it’s totally not. that’s just another reason for me to be celibate at this point. have y’all noticed how many straight people treat getting tested for stds as an admission of having one? that’s wild and it’s probably why std rates are going up.

it sucks that people treat AIDS like it’s something only gay people and people in third world countries get because that’s totally inaccurate. honestly it feels like a lot of the rhetoric surrounding AIDS is motivated by homophobia. that’s probably not a very fresh take but it’s probably true.

umm… happy pride!

i really like the pride flag with the brown and black stripes added, i think it’s cuter.

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unhealthy motivation

i’ve been trying to motivate myself to start doing some things to improve my future prospects. i’ve been working on my songwriting and trying to find a good place to train to be a massage therapist. i ideally would like for my long term career to have something to do with the music industry, so ideas for work that’s more realistic than actually singing for a living (i feel like i’m not talented enough to do that) have included audio engineering and translating for celebrities.

so to basically, during the upcoming few months i want to improve my:

  • songwriting
  • daily routine
  • language skills
  • technology prowess
  • school prospects
  • flexibility
  • handwriting
  • cooking

 

i’m a pretty unmotivated person, so i’ve been searching for things that will get me up and working and i found a good motivator that makes me feel like a bad person.

 

i want to make others feel jealous

 

i talked to my psychiatrist about this and he was actually happy about it. he said that i should work on channeling my feelings of inferiority outwards instead of wallowing in sadness constantly. i’m gong to try to not feel bad about my motivator because it really is helping me get out and try.

this may be a good time to discuss my inferiority complex. i have probably hinted at or expressly stated it in the past on this blog but i should probably clarify now.

so to summarize, i feel like i am an inferior being to all other humans. when i’m out in the world i compare myself to everyone i see and i never seem to rank higher than anyone. i tell myself constantly about how awful i am and it is honestly a motivator for my ED tendencies. but restriction seem to be the only thing i can motivate myself to do because of this.

now, in a way i want other people to feel my pain. i have a kind of warped perspective on the world because i genuinely believe that others look at me and just by seeing me they receive a confidence boost because they know they can’t be quite as low quality of a human as me.

so i’m gonna make other people insecure.

if i can never feel good then i want others to feel bad (i know this isn’t a good mental space to be in but it’s the first step to getting into a positive headspace) at least for the time being.

there is a caveat to this plan and it’s that it wont make me feel better about my physical appearance which is honestly what i’m the least secure in. sadly, it’s a bad idea to get about 12 plastic surgeries (which i conceptually would if i had unlimited money) and i shouldn’t diet as a person with an eating disorder. so i’m going to also try to increase the power that i give to non appearance traits so i can maybe drown out the sorrow my flesh prison causes with measurable improvement in my skills.


bullet journal update

i’ve added some new habits to my habit tracker including: meditating and practicing handwriting. next month i think i’ll be adding songwriting to my habit tracker so i can be more incentivised to work on songs.

i’ve also started doing a chinese character of the week in the notes box i include in my weekly spread so i can see chinese every day casually.


so… yeah that’s all i got on this topic for now.

 

edit: if you receive emails for my posts, can you please start clicking the link that leads to my website so that i actually receive views from your readership so i can have accurate analytics. 

ED Recovery

ED recovery update #8

i’ve been having some ED thoughts and urges but not a ton. my biggest urge currently  is to delay meals. like when i’m due to have a meal i often find myself thinking “i can wait another 30 minutes”.

recently i’ve been having snacks which is new. they’ve been very low calorie (i know i should avoid thinking so hard about calories but its an almost decade old habit) such as seaweed. i still feel accomplished for being able to eat when i feel like it sometimes.

my morning walks have been about 30 minutes lately and i think they’re really helping. i feel accomplished and more enthusiastic when i get home from my walks. it’s also been helping with my daily stretches to warm up so much beforehand.

the other day i weighed myself for the first time in a while and it made me feel bad. i knew it would before i got on the scale but i still did it anyways. i lost 9 pounds since the last time i weighed myself but i think it’s been because of my fevers and walking so much in austin. i am very aware of my weight at all times and i have been since i was like 6 so there’s nothing new but i feel like i’m bad at recovery because of it nowadays.

i shouldn’t think about it the way that i do but i combat the “bad at recovery” thought by saying things to myself along the lines of “well at least you aren’t hospitalized” or “other people spend way longer than you in php and iop so you’re fine”. i feel like a sadist when i think those thoughts.

i’ve been eating the same meals over and over again when i’m home but it’s mainly because i don’t feel super creative as of lately. like, in general i’ve felt unaccomplished (with the exception of my walks) and generally sucky when it comes to my abilities. that’s one of the big motivators for my ed behaviors so i’m a bit scared of relapsing. but i’m always scared of relapsing so it’s nothing new.

so… i’m out of thoughts.

bye

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my least favorite celebrity

so mark wahlbergs birthday was a few days ago and i have been reminded again of how little research the general public puts in before supporting someone.

i was reminded of wahlberg when i saw a tweet responding to a happy birthday tweet to him that essentially listed out why i don’t like him. i hope none of my readers are giving this dude support but if you are, may i help you see why so many people hold disdain for him?

 

he has committed at least 3 hate crimes

2 against vietnamese men and one toward black children

listen, i get it, people can grow and change, one of wahlbergs victims has even forgiven him. that however does not prevent anyone from holding a grudge. 

honestly i made this post with an ulterior motive. i don’t just wanna complain about mark wahlberg, i wanna make a point. that point is as follows:

racism is not a negative character flaw, it is active bigotry

i’ve had a hard time expressing to people for so long why racism is so bad, and i’ve only recently come up with something as catchy as that. i don’t think i should have to have a catchy tagline to convince others that racism is a plague of locusts on the cornfield that is humanity but i guess i do since i’ve gotten into so many arguments with people where my whole stance can be boiled down to “you should care about others”.

i’ve been appalled for essentially my whole life by the rhetoric that one shouldn’t be unkind to racists, because i just can’t seem to grasp why so many people don’t understand that racism is bad no matter how non-violent the racist is in their execution. it’s because people think racism is a character flaw, just like being rude to waiters or being a spoiled child.

it isn’t and you know how i know that? because many former white supremacists acknowledge that they were constantly faced with facts that countered their world view and it was their decision to not look further.


so anyways lets end this post by saying one last thing that really drives home my disdain for mark wahlberg. he expresses little to no remorse. here’s a quote from him about his hate crimes to end this post:

 “You have to go and ask for forgiveness and it wasn’t until I really started doing good and doing right by other people, as well as myself, that I started to feel that guilt go away. So I don’t have a problem going to sleep at night. I feel good when I wake up in the morning.”

fuck mark wahlberg
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i got an ID today!

i can go on a plane now!

i spent about an hour and a half at the DMV today (far less than expected) and now i have a temporary ID.

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my ID photo

i feel almost adult-adjacent right now.

i’m thinking (since i can get a job and stuff now) that maybe i want to go through training to be a massage therapist ever since i went to a spa for the first time a few days ago. i think i’d enjoy working in a spa and masseuses probably make a fine income in comparison to other jobs i’d be able to get in the near future.

so yeah since i did my makeup for the picture i took pictures of myself when i got home. here they are:

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