Closing the Store

It feels like every time I write an entry, I’m just pulling stuff out of my *ss.

That’s what I’m doing today too.

So…

I just reached the 1/3 mark in my korean textbook!

I really really like my textbook. Most of my study has been using online resources, but I think having a physical textbook in front of me is really helpful. I think it really helps me to focus because I can’t get notifications on a paper, you know?

I’ve gotta figure out which language I want to take as my foreign language in college. I’ve narrowed down to Mandarin, Russian, or Korean. I think I’m leaning most toward Russian because I generally have the toughest time studying Russian on my own and it’s the language I notice the least progression in with my self-study. I think I could test out of at least beginner Korean and get that credit.

My orientation is in a week and a half and I’m freaking out!!

I’m really worried I’ll panic and burst into tears in the middle of scheduling my classes or something.

*very audible sigh*

I’ve gotta start getting ready for work soon. I’m working another 9 (technically 8) hour shift today. I wish I would get scheduled to open the store more often instead of closing the store pretty much every time I work. I always end up staying up late when I close.

Oh, gosh. I just noticed the time. I’m gonna end this post now. Bye!

Thanks for reading!

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on break

I’m blogging at work right now so this post probably won’t be my best work but whatever.

You know how I told you about that girl that used to work at my store who came in and made a scene?

She came in again today…

uuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUGH

Did she not get the hint?

But luckily she was only in the store for like 40 minutes this time and she didn’t take it upon herself to tell us how to run the store.

So on a less annoying note- well actually this annoys me too- I did my paperwork for student loans and such the other day. I’m preparing for my orientation which is in a little over a week.

Not super enthusiastic.

But what’s new?

Here’s a question:

Am I getting boring?

It feels like for the past months and a half my blog posts have been really low effort and pretty un-captivating.

I remember my September posts were so good! I want to write like that again!

I think that’s what I’m gonna really focus on for a while: making good content.

I seem to make these types of goals like 3 times a week though so who knows.

I’m gonna go now so i can do other stuff on my break.

Welcome to December

It’s December 1st!

December’s one of my favorite months and I’m very excited about winter.

I’m gonna pretty much verbally process this upcoming month for the duration of this entry.

today

I had a very specific plan set out for today when I woke up… Today did not go according to plan.

I had to go to work today even though I wasn’t scheduled because I had to call in the other day and I needed to make up my hours. I expected to work for 2 hours and then come home and really focus on studying, but another girl called in so I ended up working about 5 hours so nobody else would be screwed over.

I’m hoping to get in a good study session after I’m done writing, though.

#1 goal for December

I feel like in November, for the majority of the month I wasn’t juggling life well (as shown by my lack of blog posts). I’ve pretty much stagnated in language study, I’ve been sleeping really irregularly, and I’ve kinda taken my eye off of the prize.

For December, I’m hoping to be a bit more balanced in my lifestyle.

For about the past week I’ve gotten a little bit closer to my “normal”. I’ve been stretching more, I’ve studied more, I’ve slept earlier, and at least I’ve blogged some.

During December I’m gonna try to will myself into doing stuff even when I feel no motivation. Let’s see how that goes.

other December goals

  • get ready for college (orientation and stuff…)
  • save $200
  • post at least 25 blog entries
  • get back into taking pictures
  • post said pictures on instagram
  • drivers ed (eek)
  • write in my diary at least 4 times per week
  • fill out my habit tracker at the end of every day

 

hyping myself up

I just got sent my work schedule for this upcoming week.

It’s not too brutal. I do have more days closing the store than I prefer, but whatever. I’m hoping to not have anything derail me for this week/month, so wish me luck.

I don’t really have much else to say so…

Thank you for reading!

ugh

I really feel a need to write a post right now but I don’t have a topic in mind.

I kinda just want to end November on a good note.

I don’t know if this is a problem for other bloggers but with the new wordpress editor, I have a really tough time publishing entries and saving drafts.

It feels like every time I want to do anything, I’m met with an “updating failed” notification.

But I don’t want to dwell on that too much.

Today I finished my mandarin textbook!

I’m really proud of myself.

I’m trying to better incorporate studying into my life with work and stuff. I was really on a roll in spring and summer but it feels like I’ve stagnated across the board since about October. It even feels like my Korean ability has declined! UUUUUUUUUGH

I’m quite worried about how beginning college will affect my lifestyle.

I really don’t want to start college and become- for lack of a better word- worse.

I don’t want to be mean but I know a lot of people in college right now and they’ve taken up drug/alcohol/vaping habits or they seem to have made campus life their livelihood.

I may sound pompous when I say this, but I’ve always considered myself to be above my surroundings.

Not that I think I’m above my peers or something, but I think there’s far more to me than my job or whatever. And I’m certain that most people feel the same way, but I’m scared for myself.

It’s probably a rare fear to think that pursuing “higher education” could drag you down, but that’s what my mind says.

I don’t want the next 4 years of my life to be a time of no improvement. I’m sure there will be personal growth for myself and I’m sure big things will happen to me, but I would personally like to exit college with something to do.

I know it’s a bit of a downer, but nowadays a lot of people exit college and have to go right back into minimum wage labor.

God, I’m so scared.

It feels like every time I do something in regards to college, I regret it about 14 hours later.

I’m scared that at my orientation I’m gonna just burst into tears the second anybody asks me a question.

I’m going to bed.

You know what?

No I’m not.

This new wordpress editor is awful!

I can’t publish anything!

I have had to copy and paste entire posts multiple times into the old editor just so they’ll publish on my blog. The new editor doesn’t even do it’s most basic job.

I’m very pissed off.

Leaving now.

Morning Pages: November 29th, 2018

I haven’t written morning pages in probably over a month.

I have some things to talk about.

Thing 1.

I do not like the new wordpress text editor one bit. 

I like that it’s easier to add stuff like audio to a post and I like the color settings, but… pretty much everything else is not great.

I’ve had 2 experiences where I save a draft and exit the editor to do something else only for my draft to be deleted. I can’t figure out how to add tags to posts. It’s really hard to click back to type in a past sentence.

I just don’t like it.

But it’s prettier.

I think it’s more for business people than bloggers.

Thing 2.

I think I’m being taken advantage of at my job.

When I was promoted to manager I was very excited to get a raise. I wasn’t told what exact amount my raise was until like 2 weeks of managing though and I was very disappointed to find out that my raise was only 1 dollar. I may not have been so disappointed if my coworker who was promoted alongside me wasn’t given a 2.50 dollar raise. And she’s working part time while I’m full time. 

I think I’m gonna ask my boss to basically demote me. I don’t think I’m getting paid enough for the amount of work I’m doing.

This is just motivation to start working harder to make money other ways though.

Thing 3.

It feels like my life isn’t very enriched lately.

I feel like I’m constantly tired and trying to catch up with something. 

I also hate that my work is kinda ruling my life. I feel anxious to, for example, post on instagram on my days off because I don’t want my coworkers to be jealous of me. That’s really dumb and I’m trying to get over it. Trying to remind myself that none of this will matter in like 3 years so…

I’m having a really tough time writing this post.

I should have dedicated to sitting down to write it instead of going to make and eat breakfast in the middle of writing.

I think I’m gonna be done for now because I have stuff to do before I leave for work.

ugh.

I’m scheduled for 9 hours 😦

oh no

I’m going to college.

Damn it.

None of this stuff felt final until today.

I’m so, so painfully terrified.

For much of my life I’ve never really thought about my future in too straight forward of terms because honestly, I thought I’d kill myself before anything important is meant to happen. Now I’m at a mental state where suicide isn’t a frequent thought, so everything seems very important.

Now I care about things like my credit score and the prospect of having children, and I’m freaking the hell out.

In the semester I’ve taken off before I eventually enter college in January, I’ve felt a combination of weight lifted off of my shoulders and a deep sense of impending doom.

The weight lifted from my shoulders is mainly caused by:

  • fewer negative social interactions
  • a lower incidence of me being in competitive situations
  • forcing myself to imagine a future in which I’m happy (a very hard task)
  • taking better care of myself (because I have the time to)

The impending sense of doom arises because:

  • It feels like I’m gonna have to go to college if I don’t want to disappoint everyone in my life.
  • I don’t want to go to college even the slightest bit.
  • I’m very good at creating apocalypse like scenarios in my mind.
  • I feel like I’m a decade behind where I should be in life by now.
  • I feel as though all passion I have for the things in life I enjoy is lessening by the day.

So where does that leave me?

Crying at my desk while typing out a blog post that’s gonna make my family mad.

It feels like it’s not safe for me to tell anyone how I feel because everyone dismisses my feelings whenever I talk about them so I’m left yelling into the void.

I should have never applied to college.

I know I won’t be able to handle being labeled a college drop out so I’m gonna have to finish this and that’s gonna leave me more than 50,000 dollars in debt most likely.

It feels like I spend more than 3 hours a day fantasizing about a hypothetical future where I’m happy and every day it feels less and less likely that that future will never come.

I have such big dreams and they’re never gonna come true.

It feels so crushing to see my future self as a failure when it really shouldn’t because I’ve failed at everything I’ve tried so far in life, so it probably wont be a new feeling.

ugh.

I’m not talented enough to make anything of myself in entertainment, I’m not smart enough to do smart people stuff, I’m not subservient enough to do office type work, I’m not pretty enough to get a sugar daddy, I’m not friendly enough to have a rich friend.

I can’t do anything so why try?

And you know what sucks the most?

The responses to this that I envision getting.

Whatever, if you can’t handle me venting about how my dreams are in shambles, you probably won’t be able to watch me fail as bad as I inevitably will.

I feel guilty about feeling as terrible as I do because things could be worse. I could be starving, I could be locked in a basement, I could’ve been murdered when I was 14. But that doesn’t change how I feel.

And how I feel is awful.

I’ll probably end up writing something similar to this for the next few blog posts so I’ll end this one here.

Thanks for reading.

Sorry I’m a downer.

Life Update: November 12th, 2018

I really need to stop trying to write posts soon before I need to leave for work.

Ok, so life update.

I haven’t really given much information about how things are going for me as of late so I feel a need to update everyone on what’s up.

The thing that most people would probably think is the biggest deal is likely that I got my college acceptance letter.

I’m gonna start college in mid-January.

I’m freaked out!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve been doing some of the college prep stuff in my free time; you know: setting up my student ID, emailing people who told me to email them, planning for which orientation I want to go to, trying to get approved for a student credit card, etc.

In a related note, I started another journal (I know I have too many, I just can’t stop). This one I have dubbed my Lifestyle Journal. I basically have been using it to note my information I need for college stuff, planning daily schedules, writing motivational stuff so I can remember to put in effort, brainstorming steps to reach goals, and other stuff.

I have 40 minutes till I need to be clocked in at work. Ugh.

Peanut’s doing OK. She got a hip reduction procedure recently and I hope it’s going to take. I’m so scared that her hip will come back out. I’m trying to keep her drugged up and minimize the amount of physical exertion she partakes in.

I really like my bangs if you wanted a bangs update.

I’ll do an ED update soon but basically I’ve had really strong urges lately.

I haven’t been my productive self as of late. I’ve been in a pretty depressive state (could you tell by my lack of activity?) and I’m trying to pull myself out of it. I’m hoping this dark cloud on m life will clear up by December.

Oh! Speaking of December, I’ve been doing research on driver’s ed and I’m hoping to do my drivers ed stuff throughout December.

Well, I need to start leaving so I’m gonna finish of this entry.

Thanks for reading!