It’s been a while since one of these. There are probably new readers who don’t even know I’m recovering from an eating disorder at this point.
So here’s an update.
I haven’t had a hypoglycemic episode in a super long time. I think the last time I had one was in July. That makes me super happy.
I have been able to not use my “menu” for about 3 weeks right now. I generally have better hunger cues but I do sometimes need to force myself to eat. I’d say I force myself once every 2-3 days. That’s quite a bit better than my past average of forcing myself for about 1 meal a day.
I’m a little less scared when I get weighed. I still don’t trust myself to weigh myself at home but when I go to the doctor and need weighed, I can handle it. I also don’t really know my measurement right now. That’s really weird for me.
I don’t go for my daily walks anymore and it kinda makes me sad. I really enjoyed my walks, but I’m having a bout of anxiety right now so I’m too nervous to go for my walks. I wish people didn’t suck and dudes wouldn’t pull up to any unsuspecting girl and say nasty stuff.
I’m kinda low energy recently.
I don’t really know why. I think it may be a work thing. I don’t work every day, but I do have a bit of an emotional load from working. I feel like all the customers stare at me in a bad way. Most of the customers at the store I work at are 30-60 years old or so. I find that when I catch them staring there’s a vailed glare in their eyes. Maybe I’m just reading into it too much and they just have angry faces. I have like a mental reflex where if I see someone looking angrily at me, I think it’s about my body. Like they’re disgusted by me. I hate it. I know most of the time it’s because I come across as uppity (that’s what I’ve been told) but my ED mind is irrational.
I generally love being stared at (because I love attention) but when there’s a glare there I feel bad. I think anybody is like that though. Nobody likes to be glared at.
So that’s all that comes to mind when I think of ED stuff.
Thanks for reading.
Been a while since one of these, right?
Well since the last EDRU, I’ve been thinking about food a lot. Not in a craving way because I still only get cravings every once in a while, but in a methodology-centric way.
I’ve been eating in a pretty robotic way for the most part because I’m having a lot more restrictive urges than I have in the past.
So to combat this I made a little booklet of food options that I often find myself eating so that when time comes to feed myself I can just choose from my menu rather than feeling a pressure to be creative and mix things up.
I think that this method may be looked at by professionals as a bit rigid and possibly even restrictive, so I try to eat off the menu when I don’t feel strong urges.
My menu has helped me to eat in a more consistent way rather than procrastinating because of the pressure to decide and then just eating a complete cookie and acting like that’s dinner.
If you want a tutorial on the menu booklet I’d be happy to make one!
Thanks for reading!
it’s been a while since i last posted one of these so let’s get some logistics out of the way.
- it’s been just over 4 months since i finished my intensive outpatient program.
- i’ve been calorie counting a little (i know don’t burn me at the stake)
- i still drink about 4L of water a day
- my big goal nowadays is to find more foods to enjoy
- i do moderate exercise in the form of walking/jogging mainly so i can get out of the house
ok so now that that’s out of the way, how have i been?
well i still drink water in large quantities quickly because i’m terrible at reminding myself to drink and then i get super thirsty and drink a liter at a time. i take walks a little less frequently because i’m still getting back to my normal routine after my trip.
i can’t get out of the habit of counting calories reflexively because for so long i’ve just counted the second i see food. honestly i don’t feel super bad about it because right now i’m not using it as a restrictive tool.
with my goal of enjoying more food i’ve been making a bit of progress. i enjoy a few new foods including:
- vanilla life cereal
- soy sauce
- pickled onions
- rice with vinegar
i suppose that means i’m making good progress.
so at the end of this post i’d like to promote something i care about
one of my favorite podcasts the DIS unplugged is having a fundraiser for give kids the world in celebration of their 1000th episode and i’d love to help them reach their goal
please if you can look into this link and perhaps donate.
give kids the world fundraiser
i’m less weight minded right now but i’m very aware of how i look in clothes.
i haven’t had a hypoglycemic issue since i went to six flags so i suppose my eating schedule may be helping with that.
i set timers for meals now because i have a tendency to delay eating. they help a lot but if i’m not home at a meal time they surprise me.
i’ve been experimenting with food a bit more recently as far as seasonings go (in other words i’m addicted to onion powder). i used to have an irrational fear of onion mainly because it tips people off that you’ve eaten but now i’m very aware that people know i eat since it’s a solid 1/4 of my very public blog.
i’ve been eating avocado recently. i used to be a bit 80/10/10 in my eating patterns just out of preferring carbs but i found one more fatty thing i like in the form of avocado. now i like 3 high fat foods: peanut butter, balsamic vinaigrette, and avocado.
my walks have lengthened slightly in duration but decreased in frequency. i walk for about 45 minutes 4 times a week rather than 30 minutes 5-6 times a week.
my dress came in the mail and it fits! i’m so happy. my mom says it’s too short but whatever i like it.
i don’t have much else to say about recovery right now
i remade my tumblr.
it’s dear-mikah.tumblr.com and on there i mainly reblog pictures of bijou from hamtaro.
note: i am in recovery from an ed and i’m vegan so my meals will reflect that
oatmeal with peanut butter (3/4 cup rolled oats, 1 tsp brown sugar, 2 tbsp peanut butter)
red lentil and spinach salad with balsamic vinaigrette + a granny smith apple
marinated tofu and rice (marinade: soy sauce, sesame oil, rice vinegar, ginger, garlic, onion powder, water)
4L water and a taro boba
should i post more what i ate posts? i made a whole category for them but i think i’ve only posted 2 at this point.
i think they’d be useful for other vegans to give meal ideas and they could also be helpful for other people recovering from eating disorders.
like if you think i should post more of these ♡
i really wanna relapse.
it’s so hard to feel good about yourself when you feel like you have no self control.i’m very aware of the fact that me eating at all is control oriented because if i really had no control i would starve.
i have one really good motivator for not relapsing though…
i don’t wanna lose my hair again.
fun fact about me: i have a few bald spots because my hair would fall out in clumps at the height of my ED.
right now i’m just focusing on eating anything 3 times a day. i think if i can get through this moment where my urges are strong i’ll be able to revert to my positive eating habits, so i’m kinda just waiting this out.
ヽ( ´ ∇ ｀ )ノ
i’m working on a language learning tips post right now but it requires a lot of photos and thus a lot of photo editing.
i’ve been having some ED thoughts and urges but not a ton. my biggest urge currently is to delay meals. like when i’m due to have a meal i often find myself thinking “i can wait another 30 minutes”.
recently i’ve been having snacks which is new. they’ve been very low calorie (i know i should avoid thinking so hard about calories but its an almost decade old habit) such as seaweed. i still feel accomplished for being able to eat when i feel like it sometimes.
my morning walks have been about 30 minutes lately and i think they’re really helping. i feel accomplished and more enthusiastic when i get home from my walks. it’s also been helping with my daily stretches to warm up so much beforehand.
the other day i weighed myself for the first time in a while and it made me feel bad. i knew it would before i got on the scale but i still did it anyways. i lost 9 pounds since the last time i weighed myself but i think it’s been because of my fevers and walking so much in austin. i am very aware of my weight at all times and i have been since i was like 6 so there’s nothing new but i feel like i’m bad at recovery because of it nowadays.
i shouldn’t think about it the way that i do but i combat the “bad at recovery” thought by saying things to myself along the lines of “well at least you aren’t hospitalized” or “other people spend way longer than you in php and iop so you’re fine”. i feel like a sadist when i think those thoughts.
i’ve been eating the same meals over and over again when i’m home but it’s mainly because i don’t feel super creative as of lately. like, in general i’ve felt unaccomplished (with the exception of my walks) and generally sucky when it comes to my abilities. that’s one of the big motivators for my ed behaviors so i’m a bit scared of relapsing. but i’m always scared of relapsing so it’s nothing new.
so… i’m out of thoughts.
i’ve been having a lot of restrictive urges lately and i’ve been able to prevent myself from acting on them with something that used to encourage them:
for years (2012-2016) i used myfitnesspal as a restriction tool, i would follow the plan where you’re allotted 1200 calories each day and i’d always aim for under 1200. nowadays i’ve been using myfitnesspal to make sure i eat at least 1700 calories every day.
on the exercise front, i’ve gotten into taking walks. i take a walk about every other morning around my neighborhood because i’ve heard that exercise and being outdoors are helpful for depression. there’s a group of middle age women who i see walking every time i go for a walk and i wanna join them because i think it would be sick to have a group of middle age lady friends.
i’m really trying to suppress my urges to try to lose weight right now because i know it’s a bad idea for me to diet but it’s tough.
here’s a picture of peanut
*tell me if you like the center alignment in the comments*
i get cravings now.
they’re mainly for anything garlic and/or bread. you may have noticed an abnormality in a post i posted about a week and a half ago that i craved sourdough bread. that’s not a super new thing, i got occasional cravings even when i was very deep in my eating disorder but now they’re common.
i feel a little guilt for having cravings (ED brain) but i know i shouldn’t so i don’t respond to the guilt with action.
i think some of the cravings could be attributed to my recent change in birth control, but for the most part i like to imagine that this is a sign that i’m getting a lot better.
i’m doing pretty decent.
i was at the hospital with my mom as she got surgery and i managed to eat 3 meals while i was there the whole day and ate other meals at decent times. i didn’t eat “perfect meals” but i was relatively limited as my food source was a hospital food court. i still feel like this was an accomplishment and i should feel proud.
i have to schedule meals when i take adderall because it absolutely obliterates my appetite.
i’ve been getting cravings recently which is pretty cool.
i take probiotics now which is new and i think they make me get stomachaches but i’ll update you on that again later.
here’s a picture of peanut sitting on my clothes before my they get put up