i’ve been having some ED thoughts and urges but not a ton. my biggest urge currently is to delay meals. like when i’m due to have a meal i often find myself thinking “i can wait another 30 minutes”.
recently i’ve been having snacks which is new. they’ve been very low calorie (i know i should avoid thinking so hard about calories but its an almost decade old habit) such as seaweed. i still feel accomplished for being able to eat when i feel like it sometimes.
my morning walks have been about 30 minutes lately and i think they’re really helping. i feel accomplished and more enthusiastic when i get home from my walks. it’s also been helping with my daily stretches to warm up so much beforehand.
the other day i weighed myself for the first time in a while and it made me feel bad. i knew it would before i got on the scale but i still did it anyways. i lost 9 pounds since the last time i weighed myself but i think it’s been because of my fevers and walking so much in austin. i am very aware of my weight at all times and i have been since i was like 6 so there’s nothing new but i feel like i’m bad at recovery because of it nowadays.
i shouldn’t think about it the way that i do but i combat the “bad at recovery” thought by saying things to myself along the lines of “well at least you aren’t hospitalized” or “other people spend way longer than you in php and iop so you’re fine”. i feel like a sadist when i think those thoughts.
i’ve been eating the same meals over and over again when i’m home but it’s mainly because i don’t feel super creative as of lately. like, in general i’ve felt unaccomplished (with the exception of my walks) and generally sucky when it comes to my abilities. that’s one of the big motivators for my ed behaviors so i’m a bit scared of relapsing. but i’m always scared of relapsing so it’s nothing new.
so… i’m out of thoughts.
i’ve been having a lot of restrictive urges lately and i’ve been able to prevent myself from acting on them with something that used to encourage them:
for years (2012-2016) i used myfitnesspal as a restriction tool, i would follow the plan where you’re allotted 1200 calories each day and i’d always aim for under 1200. nowadays i’ve been using myfitnesspal to make sure i eat at least 1700 calories every day.
on the exercise front, i’ve gotten into taking walks. i take a walk about every other morning around my neighborhood because i’ve heard that exercise and being outdoors are helpful for depression. there’s a group of middle age women who i see walking every time i go for a walk and i wanna join them because i think it would be sick to have a group of middle age lady friends.
i’m really trying to suppress my urges to try to lose weight right now because i know it’s a bad idea for me to diet but it’s tough.
here’s a picture of peanut
*tell me if you like the center alignment in the comments*
i get cravings now.
they’re mainly for anything garlic and/or bread. you may have noticed an abnormality in a post i posted about a week and a half ago that i craved sourdough bread. that’s not a super new thing, i got occasional cravings even when i was very deep in my eating disorder but now they’re common.
i feel a little guilt for having cravings (ED brain) but i know i shouldn’t so i don’t respond to the guilt with action.
i think some of the cravings could be attributed to my recent change in birth control, but for the most part i like to imagine that this is a sign that i’m getting a lot better.
i’m doing pretty decent.
i was at the hospital with my mom as she got surgery and i managed to eat 3 meals while i was there the whole day and ate other meals at decent times. i didn’t eat “perfect meals” but i was relatively limited as my food source was a hospital food court. i still feel like this was an accomplishment and i should feel proud.
i have to schedule meals when i take adderall because it absolutely obliterates my appetite.
i’ve been getting cravings recently which is pretty cool.
i take probiotics now which is new and i think they make me get stomachaches but i’ll update you on that again later.
here’s a picture of peanut sitting on my clothes before my they get put up
i’ve conquered a fear.
for my whole life i’ve been mildly terrified of going out to eat, but recently i went out to eat and i wasn’t scared leading up to it and the experience wasn’t bone chilling like it’s been in the past.
to even further improve on this is was able to eat without shame and ate until i felt fullness cues then stopped!
i even enjoyed my leftovers.
just wanted to brag.
today my appetite was really stunted, so far i’ve had 2 meals though so i can expect to eat dinner. i worked out for 15 minutes and i’m still sweating so i don’t know how i feel about that.
for the past few weeks post graduation ive had weight on the mind a little more than i did in treatment, though thats probably to be expected when i dont go through hours of therapy each week. i havent been eating exactly to the meal plan but that’s probably a good thing since it shows im not being obsessive. i have to time meals when i take adderall since it really ruins my appetite.
i’ve been coping with londons death a little better for the past two days because i know that as a very emotionally responsive creature she’d want me happy. i think about her a lot when i exercise which is odd but thats probably an ed thing.
i get really winded nowadays since i went for such a long time without working out…
i don’t know i don’t have a ton to say though a lot has happened.
here’s a picture of marshmallow in a stroller
i’m done with treatment!!
today at my graduation, i cried and basically got complimented by everyone so that was great. today felt like a normal day of treatment until the end when i had my graduation ceremony.
now that treatment is over i:
- want to eat a vegan diet for the rest of my life
- will write diary entries everyday
- need support from my friends, family, and audience (you) to prevent me from relapsing
- want to spend even more time on self care
- have to return to school
- need to get fully caught up with life and stuff
- want to meet my dad’s side of my family
- will get a job
- will blog about other stuff more often
- want to travel
some day i’ll be making a guide to treatment and a treatment crash course but that day is not today because i’ve got a blistering headache.
in the midst of my headache i forgot to tell you about the beautiful necklace my mom got me!