ED recovery update #8

i’ve been having some ED thoughts and urges but not a ton. my biggest urge currently  is to delay meals. like when i’m due to have a meal i often find myself thinking “i can wait another 30 minutes”.

recently i’ve been having snacks which is new. they’ve been very low calorie (i know i should avoid thinking so hard about calories but its an almost decade old habit) such as seaweed. i still feel accomplished for being able to eat when i feel like it sometimes.

my morning walks have been about 30 minutes lately and i think they’re really helping. i feel accomplished and more enthusiastic when i get home from my walks. it’s also been helping with my daily stretches to warm up so much beforehand.

the other day i weighed myself for the first time in a while and it made me feel bad. i knew it would before i got on the scale but i still did it anyways. i lost 9 pounds since the last time i weighed myself but i think it’s been because of my fevers and walking so much in austin. i am very aware of my weight at all times and i have been since i was like 6 so there’s nothing new but i feel like i’m bad at recovery because of it nowadays.

i shouldn’t think about it the way that i do but i combat the “bad at recovery” thought by saying things to myself along the lines of “well at least you aren’t hospitalized” or “other people spend way longer than you in php and iop so you’re fine”. i feel like a sadist when i think those thoughts.

i’ve been eating the same meals over and over again when i’m home but it’s mainly because i don’t feel super creative as of lately. like, in general i’ve felt unaccomplished (with the exception of my walks) and generally sucky when it comes to my abilities. that’s one of the big motivators for my ed behaviors so i’m a bit scared of relapsing. but i’m always scared of relapsing so it’s nothing new.

so… i’m out of thoughts.

bye

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things i eat

i thought maybe since the original point of this blog was ED stuff, i should probably write an ED themed post, right?

so i’m gonna tell you some foods i eat that i don’t get repulsed by after eating them twice in a week.

*disclaimer* i’m vegan and i tend to eat higher calorie meals so i can only eat 3 times a day. so don’t get shocked if you try to eat like me and you have ~600 calorie meals.

chickpea cookie dough

so i eat chickpea cookie dough whenever i know i’ve not eaten much protein or fat in a day.

my recipe is roughly:

1 can of chickpeas

2 teaspoons of brown sugar

4 tablespoons of soy isolate protein powder (you can also use flour but i prefer the texture of protein powder)

3 tablespoons of dark chocolate chips

a pinch of salt

1/4 of a teaspoon of vanilla powder

eat the amount you please.

lenny and larry’s cookies

i normally carry one of these around with me so i don’t have hypoglycemic episodes. not much to say.

 

spinach salad

i eat spinach salads often because i don’t like most lettuces in salads because they’re too tough. my preferred form of spinach salad includes: spinach, balsamic vinaigrette, slivered almonds, the legume of my choice.

 

vanilla life cereal

my favorite cereal is vanilla life and i often will have some for breakfast with soy milk.

 

baked tofu and peanut sauce

very self explanatory but i’ll give you some basic directions.

  1. cut firm tofu into skewers
  2. bake at 385 degrees f (196 degrees celcius) for about 20 minutes (until slightly gold)
  3. while the tofu bakes mix 2 tablespoons of peanut butter with 1 tablespoon of sweet chili sauce and 1 tablespoon of water
  4. consume

 

pretzels and hummus

it’s pretzels and hummus, i also like pita chips

 

i’m purposefully going to leave out some things so maybe i can make a sequel to this post some day.

a new youtube channel to hate

so every once in a while i like to go through “anti SJW” youtube videos because i think it’s really funny that people can be that stupid. because of this habit i get recommended a lot of videos by other idiots and today i was recommended one of my least favorites so far.

the channel is called catloading and basically she makes fun of fat people and body positivity. now, i wouldn’t be that upset if i hadn’t read the comments on her videos.

in the comments people commend her for being great thinspo.

i can’t seem to understand why she makes these videos in the first place but even more than that i can’t understand why people could possibly be inspired even if it’s ED based inspiration.

if she were to read my post (she probably won’t) i would really encourage her to have more nuance in her video making because as a person who very recently went through treatment for a restrictive eating disorder, these videos can be the spark that ignites someone’s flame of self hate and restriction.

so i’ve watched about 10 of her videos and i need to discuss another type of video she makes. “body positive dancing compilation[s]”. each video starts with a disclaimer that the videos aren’t intended to bully, but if you watch them with the mindset of someone featured, i personally would have a damn breakdown if i was featured in one of these. she jump cuts together footage of the evil fat people dancing (some of the people aren’t even fat they’re like barely overweight) and every time there’s any sort of jiggle on their bodies she does an abrupt close up. i can’t understand what goes on in her head that makes her think these videos aren’t clearly inflammatory and making fun of people who are just having a good time.

again, i just want to reiterate that she should reconsider her video style because it’s lacking in nuance, unresearched, and could easily encourage caloric restriction.

i have a special part of myself that can’t stand people who criticize fat people because they’re “unhealthy”. you can clearly tell that she doesn’t actually care about anybodies well being because if she did she wouldn’t make such mean spirited videos.

god this post is unorganized.

so to end this post i’m going to quote an excerpt from a comment on her video “addressing fat shaming” by Greenie Queenie

“you’re mean spirited and demeaning, if you really cared about obesity you would be offer[ing] solutions, guid[ing] them to recovery programs and [giving] supoort to obese people through their recover process. instead you blatantly shame them.

blatantly shaming someone isn’t going to stop obesity, that’s why you’re whack as fuck.

so if you’re gonna keep making these compilations and expect[ing] people to take your thoughts seriously on obesity by any means you have lost the credibility”

i would’ve personally worded the comment differently as i’m not one to call someone “whack as fuck” but… if the shoe fits.

but really to end this post i just wanna say that i truly feel bad for catloading because it really feels like when you hear her describing her life experiences, she seems to have gone through something very unpleasant to make her so vitriolic.

and just one last message to her: maybe start doing retakes because you stumble over your words to a point where it’s hard to believe she’s telling the truth about anything

 

ED Recovery Update #7

i’ve been having a lot of restrictive urges lately and i’ve been able to prevent myself from acting on them with something that used to encourage them:

myfitnesspal

for years (2012-2016) i used myfitnesspal as a restriction tool, i would follow the plan where you’re allotted 1200 calories each day and i’d always aim for under 1200. nowadays i’ve been using myfitnesspal to make sure i eat at least 1700 calories every day.

on the exercise front, i’ve gotten into taking walks. i take a walk about every other morning around my neighborhood because i’ve heard that exercise and being outdoors are helpful for depression. there’s a group of middle age women who i see walking every time i go for a walk and i wanna join them because i think it would be sick to have a group of middle age lady friends.

i’m really trying to suppress my urges to try to lose weight right now because i know it’s a bad idea for me to diet but it’s tough.

here’s a picture of peanut

exif_temp_image

feeling gross in more ways than one

this morning upon waking up i immediately vomited.

so i didn’t go to school (probably will tomorrow though).

i feel disgusting in physical ways like having a headache, being nauseous, and inexplicably sweating but i also feel disgusting in my body right now.

today it’s been hard to force myself to eat. i’ve still managed to eat 3 meals today however so don’t get too concerned. i just don’t feel deserving of food sometimes and today is one of those times. i’d love if someone could tell me an effective strategy for getting weight loss transformations off of my instagram recommended page, though, because i think that definitely wouldn’t hurt my cause.

i often have a hard time telling myself the stuff i was told during treatment because honestly i think the slogans they tell you are diabolically corny. “all food fits” just doesn’t cut it for making a person who really badly not only wants to be unhealthily thin but also knowingly wants to be sick.

i wanna make some slogans for myself so here it goes:

  • hell is full, eat so you don’t die
  • you’re nice to fat people, so even if you feel fat be nice to yourself
  • just eat it (like weird al yankovich)
  • daiya cheesecake is wonderful, don’t deny yourself of that
  • echidnas eat whatever they want, including their mothers blood. take notes.
  • eat like a free fed rabbit
  • don’t chug water before you eat, it’ll just make you pee a lot
  • eat so you can get practice with chopsticks
  • maybe just have some rice for now and try again later

 

so, yeah.

that felt nice to write.

it motivated me at least but i’m sure that some of this post was upsetting to at least someone so i apologize in advance.

 

new development: cravings

*tell me if you like the center alignment in the comments*

i get cravings now.

they’re mainly for anything garlic and/or bread. you may have noticed an abnormality in a post i posted about a week and a half ago that i craved sourdough bread. that’s not a super new thing, i got occasional cravings even when i was very deep in my eating disorder but now they’re common.

i feel a little guilt for having cravings (ED brain) but i know i shouldn’t so i don’t respond to the guilt with action.

i think some of the cravings could be attributed to my recent change in birth control, but for the most part i like to imagine that this is a sign that i’m getting a lot better.

trying not to think too much about calories

calories are constantly on my mind.

in the midst of my ED one of my favorite pass times was counting calories, so i know how many calories are in just about everything i eat.

this is a pain in the ass.

every time i eat anything i’m hyperaware of how many calories are in my food. the compulsion has lessened since my time at renfrew but recently the calorie counting tendency has returned and is almost reflexive. while i was at renfrew i thought about calories as well but being on open weights helped me be sure that eating isn’t the cause of weight gain since i didn’t gain weight.

i may start weighing myself again for peace of mind but that could become compulsive.

i don’t really know what to do about this because i know i won’t magically forget how many calories are in food items any time soon and i know buying a scale won’t suddenly make me less worried about weight.

so anyways, here’s a life update:

i’ve been getting a lot of nosebleeds recently. i don’t know why i would be getting so many but i’ve gotten 3 in a week and nobody’s punched me in the face. it’s kinda cool though cause i like how it feels when the blood gushes out.

is that gross?

all of my pets are doing great. heres a picture of peanutIMG_7137.jpg

in my choir class i got a break from dancing today and we just sang all class so i didn’t have to deal with my awful dance partner so there’s a plus.