ED Recovery Update #15

I haven’t written one of these since October.

I think there’s been a lot of change since then, so I think I’ll try to write this month by month to give it some sort of organization.

November

In November I was very stressed and freaked out. Peanut’s hip issue and my transition to working full time made me emotional.

I tend to deal with stress by shutting down. I go through the motions of life and avoid anything that could upset me. Things that apparently upset me include eating regularly, feeling good about myself, and being fully functional.

So suffice to say I had a bit of a relapse in November.

I tried to force myself to eat at least once a day every day in November, but eating 3 meals wasn’t a daily occurence by a long shot.

December

December was interesting because I seemed to be improving on a surface level (I ate enough) but on an inner level I was stalling.

I think I may have even had a decrease in my ~confidence~.

I definitely wouldn’t put “confident” on a list of my traits, but I can very in levels of self-loathing.

When I was at Disney, I didn’t feel particularly great about myself. It’s tough to be in crowds of people when you’re such an obsessive body-compare-er like myself. It’s weird because I know objectively that my body was very distinctly regular where I was,  but the blinders of self loathing make me block out all the people who are “doing worse” (I know that’s not nice to say) than me. I only see the women who look like they could be cast as Tinker Bell at any given moment and it freaks me out.

p.s I was very surprised at the variety of vegan and vegetarian options at disney. The last time I went it felt like I lived on french fries but this time I got to have an assortment of distinctly different food. Pretty cool.

January

I ate pretty small amounts again. With everything happening (college, work, etc) I relied on my standard coping mechanism. Caloric restriction.

I also got super sick and was throwing up every 45 minutes for like 4 days straight which didn’t help.

Not uber notable.

Now

I’ve been upping my consumption. I’ve gone back to tracking what I eat so that I feel more of an obligation to do it.

I’ve also gone back to stretching to the extent that I used to. I’m so stiff.

So yeah, changes abound.

Hopefully things will be nice soon.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Thanks for reading!

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ED Recovery Update #14

I have a baked potato in the making in the oven as I write this post and I’m actually excited for dinner. I wish they had the tofutti sour cream at the store when I went though because that would make my potato experience 10x better.


I’ve been pretty apathetic when it comes to my meals lately.

I haven’t felt super motivated as far as eating goes and I’ve been eating pretty much the same foods for a few days but a wrench got thrown into my machine today.

My mom brought home a green smoothie for me.

That was really nice. 🙂

It feels like the small change of having this smoothie has pretty much reinvigorated my appetite.

I even ate a snack today!!!!!!!

Can you believe it!?


I’ve been taking adderall for a few years at this point and it still really suppresses my appetite. When I take it before I study I have to force myself to have meals for pretty much the rest of the day because it obliterates my appetite so much.

I think I should ask about a different medication next time I’m at the doctor.


I’ve been super nauseous for like 6 days at this point and it sucks. Taking anti-nausea medication barely helps.

I think it’s not illness nausea, I think it’s anxiety nausea.

I’ve been super burdened by my aggravation about work stuff and the all consuming terror of interpersonal interaction that I can barely think of anything else.

Even today when I was on twitch I couldn’t resist talking about being anxious and nauseous.


new food alert!

I’ve been really into granola lately. In fact this morning I finished the last of the granola in the house.

I would sometimes have granola at the center at breakfast and it was fine, but I think it’s even better when you aren’t in a controlled environment.


I need to incorporate these line text breaks into more posts.


Thank you so much for reading!

I hope you had/ will have a nice day!

If you’re going through ED recovery and wanna talk about it, my comments and email are open!

Bye for now!

ED Recovery Update #13

It’s been a while since one of these. There are probably new readers who don’t even know I’m recovering from an eating disorder at this point.

So here’s an update.

I haven’t had a hypoglycemic episode in a super long time. I think the last time I had one was in July. That makes me super happy.

I have been able to not use my “menu” for about 3 weeks right now. I generally have better hunger cues but I do sometimes need to force myself to eat. I’d say I force myself once every 2-3 days. That’s quite a bit better than my past average of forcing myself for about 1 meal a day.

I’m a little less scared when I get weighed. I still don’t trust myself to weigh myself at home but when I go to the doctor and need weighed, I can handle it. I also don’t really know my measurement right now. That’s really weird for me.

hmm…

Oh!

I don’t go for my daily walks anymore and it kinda makes me sad. I really enjoyed my walks, but I’m having a bout of anxiety right now so I’m too nervous to go for my walks. I wish people didn’t suck and dudes wouldn’t pull up to any unsuspecting girl and say nasty stuff.

I’m kinda low energy recently.

I don’t really know why. I think it may be a work thing. I don’t work every day, but I do have a bit of an emotional load from working. I feel like all the customers stare at me in a bad way. Most of the customers at the store I work at are 30-60 years old or so. I find that when I catch them staring there’s a vailed glare in their eyes. Maybe I’m just reading into it too much and they just have angry faces. I have like a mental reflex where if I see someone looking angrily at me, I think it’s about my body. Like they’re disgusted by me. I hate it. I know most of the time it’s because I come across as uppity (that’s what I’ve been told) but my ED mind is irrational.

I generally love being stared at (because I love attention) but when there’s a glare there I feel bad. I think anybody is like that though. Nobody likes to be glared at.

So that’s all that comes to mind when I think of ED stuff.

Thanks for reading.

ED Recovery Update #12

Been a while since one of these, right?

Well since the last EDRU, I’ve been thinking about food a lot. Not in a craving way because I still only get cravings every once in a while, but in a methodology-centric way.

I’ve been eating in a pretty robotic way for the most part because I’m having a lot more restrictive urges than I have in the past.

So to combat this I made a little booklet of food options that I often find myself eating so that when time comes to feed myself I can just choose from my menu rather than feeling a pressure to be creative and mix things up.

I think that this method may be looked at by professionals as a bit rigid and possibly even restrictive, so I try to eat off the menu when I don’t feel strong urges.

My menu has helped me to eat in a more consistent way rather than procrastinating because of the pressure to decide and then just eating a complete cookie and acting like that’s dinner.

If you want a tutorial on the menu booklet I’d be happy to make one!

Thanks for reading!

Mikah.