ED Recovery Update #14

I have a baked potato in the making in the oven as I write this post and I’m actually excited for dinner. I wish they had the tofutti sour cream at the store when I went though because that would make my potato experience 10x better.


I’ve been pretty apathetic when it comes to my meals lately.

I haven’t felt super motivated as far as eating goes and I’ve been eating pretty much the same foods for a few days but a wrench got thrown into my machine today.

My mom brought home a green smoothie for me.

That was really nice. 🙂

It feels like the small change of having this smoothie has pretty much reinvigorated my appetite.

I even ate a snack today!!!!!!!

Can you believe it!?


I’ve been taking adderall for a few years at this point and it still really suppresses my appetite. When I take it before I study I have to force myself to have meals for pretty much the rest of the day because it obliterates my appetite so much.

I think I should ask about a different medication next time I’m at the doctor.


I’ve been super nauseous for like 6 days at this point and it sucks. Taking anti-nausea medication barely helps.

I think it’s not illness nausea, I think it’s anxiety nausea.

I’ve been super burdened by my aggravation about work stuff and the all consuming terror of interpersonal interaction that I can barely think of anything else.

Even today when I was on twitch I couldn’t resist talking about being anxious and nauseous.


new food alert!

I’ve been really into granola lately. In fact this morning I finished the last of the granola in the house.

I would sometimes have granola at the center at breakfast and it was fine, but I think it’s even better when you aren’t in a controlled environment.


I need to incorporate these line text breaks into more posts.


Thank you so much for reading!

I hope you had/ will have a nice day!

If you’re going through ED recovery and wanna talk about it, my comments and email are open!

Bye for now!

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ED Recovery Update #13

It’s been a while since one of these. There are probably new readers who don’t even know I’m recovering from an eating disorder at this point.

So here’s an update.

I haven’t had a hypoglycemic episode in a super long time. I think the last time I had one was in July. That makes me super happy.

I have been able to not use my “menu” for about 3 weeks right now. I generally have better hunger cues but I do sometimes need to force myself to eat. I’d say I force myself once every 2-3 days. That’s quite a bit better than my past average of forcing myself for about 1 meal a day.

I’m a little less scared when I get weighed. I still don’t trust myself to weigh myself at home but when I go to the doctor and need weighed, I can handle it. I also don’t really know my measurement right now. That’s really weird for me.

hmm…

Oh!

I don’t go for my daily walks anymore and it kinda makes me sad. I really enjoyed my walks, but I’m having a bout of anxiety right now so I’m too nervous to go for my walks. I wish people didn’t suck and dudes wouldn’t pull up to any unsuspecting girl and say nasty stuff.

I’m kinda low energy recently.

I don’t really know why. I think it may be a work thing. I don’t work every day, but I do have a bit of an emotional load from working. I feel like all the customers stare at me in a bad way. Most of the customers at the store I work at are 30-60 years old or so. I find that when I catch them staring there’s a vailed glare in their eyes. Maybe I’m just reading into it too much and they just have angry faces. I have like a mental reflex where if I see someone looking angrily at me, I think it’s about my body. Like they’re disgusted by me. I hate it. I know most of the time it’s because I come across as uppity (that’s what I’ve been told) but my ED mind is irrational.

I generally love being stared at (because I love attention) but when there’s a glare there I feel bad. I think anybody is like that though. Nobody likes to be glared at.

So that’s all that comes to mind when I think of ED stuff.

Thanks for reading.

ED Recovery Update #12

Been a while since one of these, right?

Well since the last EDRU, I’ve been thinking about food a lot. Not in a craving way because I still only get cravings every once in a while, but in a methodology-centric way.

I’ve been eating in a pretty robotic way for the most part because I’m having a lot more restrictive urges than I have in the past.

So to combat this I made a little booklet of food options that I often find myself eating so that when time comes to feed myself I can just choose from my menu rather than feeling a pressure to be creative and mix things up.

I think that this method may be looked at by professionals as a bit rigid and possibly even restrictive, so I try to eat off the menu when I don’t feel strong urges.

My menu has helped me to eat in a more consistent way rather than procrastinating because of the pressure to decide and then just eating a complete cookie and acting like that’s dinner.

If you want a tutorial on the menu booklet I’d be happy to make one!

Thanks for reading!

Mikah.

ED Recovery Update #11

it’s been a while since i last posted one of these so let’s get some logistics out of the way.

  • it’s been just over 4 months since i finished my intensive outpatient program.
  • i’ve been calorie counting a little (i know don’t burn me at the stake)
  • i still drink about 4L of water a day
  • my big goal  nowadays is to find more foods to enjoy
  • i do moderate exercise in the form of walking/jogging mainly so i can get out of the house

ok so now that that’s out of the way, how have i been?

well i still drink water in large quantities quickly because i’m terrible at reminding myself to drink and then i get super thirsty and drink a liter at a time. i take walks a little less frequently because i’m still getting back to my normal routine after my trip.

i can’t get out of the habit of counting calories reflexively because for so long i’ve just counted the second i see food. honestly i don’t feel super bad about it because right now i’m not using it as a restrictive tool.

with my goal of enjoying more food i’ve been making a bit of progress. i enjoy a few new foods including:

  • vanilla life cereal
  • avocado
  • soy sauce
  • pickled onions
  • rice with vinegar

i suppose that means i’m making good progress.

 

so at the end of this post i’d like to promote something i care about

one of my favorite podcasts the DIS unplugged is having a fundraiser for give kids the world in celebration of their 1000th episode and i’d love to help them reach their goal

please if you can look into this link and perhaps donate.

give kids the world fundraiser

ED Recovery Update #10

i’m less weight minded right now but i’m very aware of how i look in clothes.

i haven’t had a hypoglycemic issue since i went to six flags so i suppose my eating schedule may be helping with that.

i set timers for meals now because i have a tendency to delay eating. they help a lot but if i’m not home at a meal time they surprise me.

i’ve been experimenting with food a bit more recently as far as seasonings go (in other words i’m addicted to onion powder). i used to have an irrational fear of onion mainly because it tips people off that you’ve eaten but now i’m very aware that people know i eat since it’s a solid 1/4 of my very public blog.

i’ve been eating avocado recently. i used to be a bit 80/10/10 in my eating patterns just out of preferring carbs but i found one more fatty thing i like in the form of avocado. now i like 3 high fat foods: peanut butter, balsamic vinaigrette, and avocado.

my walks have lengthened slightly in duration but decreased in frequency. i walk for about 45 minutes 4 times a week rather than 30 minutes 5-6 times a week.

my dress came in the mail and it fits! i’m so happy. my mom says it’s too short but whatever i like it.

umm…

i don’t have much else to say about recovery right now

p.s

i remade my tumblr.

it’s dear-mikah.tumblr.com and on there i mainly reblog pictures of bijou from hamtaro.

thinking about how clothes fit

i get so frustrated 7/10 times i get dressed.

i strongly crave a breast reduction.

i just wish that i was a waify person who could wear oversized clothes and have them actually look oversized. whenever i put on something, even i it’s 5 sizes too big, it’s tight on my goddamn tits!!!!!

i wish i was like a b cup. when i was a b cup everything sat so well on my chest and it wasn’t hard to wear tight clothes. nowadays as a ddd everything i wear stretches over my chest and the patterns on my clothes warp. it takes so much energy to pull my dresses over my chest because they bunch and pinch me and it pisses me off.

this is especially upsetting as a person who cares a lot more about how clothes fit than how my actual body looks.

you know what’s also upsetting?

my boobs don’t even look that impressive.

if they looked freakishly large i might be able to embrace the amanda lepore look but no… i just look chubby. btw if you wanna send a hate comment about how i just am chubby, please come up with something more creative because i’m fully aware of my weight. if i wasn’t i wouldn’t have an eating disorder.

whenever i say to someone that i want a breast reduction they always have the most stupid responses.

it’s always something along the lines of “but guys love big boobs” or “you won’t be curvy anymore” or “that’s not a good reason”.

well guess what

A) i don’t want guys staring at my chest.

B) if i wanted to be curvy i wouldn’t methodically starve myself!!!!!!!

C) i thought it was pretty clear when i talk about my body that i want to be emaciated

D) if you want a better reason for me getting a breast reduction: MY BACK HURTS. SO. BAD. CONSTANTLY.

so there. please stop looking at my body as an attention getting device rather than a mode of self expression.


p.s i’m so nervous about my dress i bought because i have a sneaking suspicion that it won’t fit my chest. it said 38 inches around the upper chest and my upper chest is smaller than that but there was no measurement given for the horrifying chest mound area.

why did i have to be cursed with giant mounds of fat attached to my flesh prison?

i wanna buy a chest binder.

p.p.s thank you for watching my tips video and reading my post!

ED recovery update #9

i really wanna relapse.

it’s so hard to feel good about yourself when you feel like you have no self control.i’m very aware of the fact that me eating at all is control oriented because if i really had no control i would starve.

i have one really good motivator for not relapsing though…

i don’t wanna lose my hair again.

fun fact about me: i have a few bald spots because my hair would fall out in clumps at the height of my ED.

right now i’m just focusing on eating anything 3 times a day. i think if i can get through this moment where my urges are strong i’ll be able to revert to my positive eating habits, so i’m kinda just waiting this out.

ヽ(  ´  ∇  `  )ノ

p.s

i’m working on a language learning tips post right now but it requires a lot of photos and thus a lot of photo editing.