ED Recovery Update #15

I haven’t written one of these since October.

I think there’s been a lot of change since then, so I think I’ll try to write this month by month to give it some sort of organization.


In November I was very stressed and freaked out. Peanut’s hip issue and my transition to working full time made me emotional.

I tend to deal with stress by shutting down. I go through the motions of life and avoid anything that could upset me. Things that apparently upset me include eating regularly, feeling good about myself, and being fully functional.

So suffice to say I had a bit of a relapse in November.

I tried to force myself to eat at least once a day every day in November, but eating 3 meals wasn’t a daily occurence by a long shot.


December was interesting because I seemed to be improving on a surface level (I ate enough) but on an inner level I was stalling.

I think I may have even had a decrease in my ~confidence~.

I definitely wouldn’t put “confident” on a list of my traits, but I can very in levels of self-loathing.

When I was at Disney, I didn’t feel particularly great about myself. It’s tough to be in crowds of people when you’re such an obsessive body-compare-er like myself. It’s weird because I know objectively that my body was very distinctly regular where I was,  but the blinders of self loathing make me block out all the people who are “doing worse” (I know that’s not nice to say) than me. I only see the women who look like they could be cast as Tinker Bell at any given moment and it freaks me out.

p.s I was very surprised at the variety of vegan and vegetarian options at disney. The last time I went it felt like I lived on french fries but this time I got to have an assortment of distinctly different food. Pretty cool.


I ate pretty small amounts again. With everything happening (college, work, etc) I relied on my standard coping mechanism. Caloric restriction.

I also got super sick and was throwing up every 45 minutes for like 4 days straight which didn’t help.

Not uber notable.


I’ve been upping my consumption. I’ve gone back to tracking what I eat so that I feel more of an obligation to do it.

I’ve also gone back to stretching to the extent that I used to. I’m so stiff.

So yeah, changes abound.

Hopefully things will be nice soon.


Thanks for reading!


Please Help Peanut

I never thought I’d have to beg for money on the internet, but Peanut needs this.

Peanut really needs surgery on her hip and neither my mother nor I have the funds to help her.

If you can donate even 1 dollar to help her, that would mean the world to me.

Thank you so much for even looking at this post!

Here’s the link to the gofundme: https://www.gofundme.com/6zfra-save-my-dog&rcid=r01-154160765833-7fc9fc3ffda54e62&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_w

Yelling Into the Void About Beans

Sorry I haven’t been posting a ton lately, with Mel’s death and my new job I’ve been dealing with the winning combo of being sad and busy. I’ll be really trying to place more focus onto my blog so this doesn’t die off. I love writing here and I’d like to be sure that my blog stays high on my list of priorities.

I don’t know exactly what to talk about so I’ll just ramble until I find a topic.

My hips hurt quite a bit. I stand a lot at my job and I haven’t been stretching quite as religiously so my body is revolting against me. I wonder if there’s such a thing as a hip brace. I could probably make use of that. ***edit: There is such a thing***

I feel kinda delirious today. Do you ever feel like your eyes are cloudy but your sight isn’t messed up? Like it feels like my eyes are relaxing after straining. Whenever I’m delirious, I always have interesting thoughts.

Today I was thinking a lot about how a lot of people who subscribe to what I think are fad-ish diets refuse to eat legumes.

That’s the dumbest thing to me.

I get it if you don’t like how pinto beans taste or something but there are people out there who genuinely believe that beans cause kidney failure! What’s wrong with these people!?

But I can’t get too mad at them because *not to be mean* people who eat diets like paleo, whole30, and keto don’t tend to care all too much about peer reviewed research or you know… fiber… or antioxidants… or cholesterol… or vitamin c… or healthy hormone levels (unless they can talk sh*t about soy).

Like, I see people online who talk about how beans are so unhealthy yet they eat stuff like VEAL. HEART.

oh my god.

I see these carnivore diet people promoting organ meats and using tallow as lip balm but they’re worried about peanuts?

I could internally scream about this all day.

Have you ever heard someone go on about “traditional foods”?

I saw a bunch of “traditional food” people yelling in their echo chamber about how fruit is unhealthy. FRUIT!?

That’s like the most traditional thing on earth!

Do you really think we were killing goats before we were picking grapes?


I’m gonna work myself up if I keep thinking about the diet people.

I’ll go study now.


if you’ve never met me in real life you may not know that i have “double joints” in my hips and knees.

today i sat with my legs crossed for about 40 minutes and my garbage knees were in so much pain.

back in february i had an episode where i hobbled for almost a month. why? my left hip popped out of its socket when i was asleep and stayed out for hours. i felt like an idiot walking on my toes because that was the only way my leg was comfortable.

i hadn’t had a problem like that since my knee hyperextended when i was about to be a freshman in high school and i hobbled for about 2 weeks then.

i really need to find something that can help with my joints and i’m scared i’ll have to start wearing  knee braces :(((((( they don’t make hip braces do they? oh my god what if i had to get a hip replacement when i’m like 30!?


that’s terrifying and i’m only making myself feel worse!

i’ll end the post before i send myself into a panic.

has anyone tried those cosequin supplements that supposedly help joints? do they work?

ok, love you bye.

please follow my blog if you wanna hear more complaining


diet soda

i’ve recently developed a mild obsession with diet pepsi. it began when i accidentally got a cup of diet pepsi instead of regular pepsi and there were a lot of people around so i didn’t wanna pour it out and look like an asshole. so i put in some of the vanilla flavor mixer and guess what?

i’ve never tasted anything better.

i’ve never been a huge soda drinker but ever since i tried diet pepsi i’ve wanted one basically every day for about a month.

there’s a very interesting vitriol directed toward diet soda by the body positive community because you should eat intuitively and just enjoy what you want.

i am not a big supporter of this stance in a holistic way.

as a person who has gone through and is still working on eating disorder recovery i’ve heard “all food is good food” “eat intuitively” and “all food fits” quite a bit.

i feel like i should give my stance on the idea of specifically “all food is good food” for a bit because i find it to be the worlds most annoying statement.

warning: vegan preaching and discussions of eating disorders ahead

in my time having an eating disorder i have had 2 philosophies toward food: 1) it’s not the individual foods that are scary, it’s the calories 2) certain foods will make me fat and sick.

you’d think having had these two different experiences would put me in a place to support intuitive eating and “all food is good food”.

i however have 2 criticisms.

1: this implies that all foods have the same ethical/moral weight

2: eating intuitively looks different for different people and for certain people (such as myself) eating intuitively would mean not eating while for others it could mean overeating by a margin of 3000 calories

lets expand, shall we

not all foods have the same ethical weight. this is where i talk veganism by the way. i don’t want to be the bearer of bad news but paying for the killing of a sentient being for food and paying for the harvesting of grain are 2 actions with different moral weight. before i get comments about how animals are inevitably killed in the food harvesting process, i know. far fewer animals die in this way than die in slaughterhouses however and our goal as empathetic beings should be to minimize suffering.

i’m not one to shame the eating patterns of others (by eating pattern i mean frequency and quantity) but it is important when you tell people to eat what they want to do so in a rational manner. to give an anecdote, i absolutely hate the experience of eating. it’s uncomfortable, i feel sad when i do it, and very few things taste good enough to make up for my hatred of the texture of chewed up food in my mouth. if i were to eat how i want, i wouldn’t. (i know that’s the ed talking probably)

i get that when people say these food positive statements they’re trying to dismantle the concept of good and bad foods. this could be ok if looked at with more nuance than can be given when critical analysis is reduced to feel good quotes that can be plastered on tshirts and in instagram bios.

maybe we should put more emphasis onto extended analysis of structures in place rather than trying to make statements that look good on an enamel pin.

just my 2 cents though.