on break

I’m blogging at work right now so this post probably won’t be my best work but whatever.

You know how I told you about that girl that used to work at my store who came in and made a scene?

She came in again today…

uuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUGH

Did she not get the hint?

But luckily she was only in the store for like 40 minutes this time and she didn’t take it upon herself to tell us how to run the store.

So on a less annoying note- well actually this annoys me too- I did my paperwork for student loans and such the other day. I’m preparing for my orientation which is in a little over a week.

Not super enthusiastic.

But what’s new?

Here’s a question:

Am I getting boring?

It feels like for the past months and a half my blog posts have been really low effort and pretty un-captivating.

I remember my September posts were so good! I want to write like that again!

I think that’s what I’m gonna really focus on for a while: making good content.

I seem to make these types of goals like 3 times a week though so who knows.

I’m gonna go now so i can do other stuff on my break.

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How (a Very Small Number of) Black Women Treat Me and How I Feel About It

Can I process something?

I don’t really know where this is gonna go but I have had something on my mind for the past few days.

I’m terrified, however, of being dragged by the bangs across the internet so I’m gonna try to dance around this topic in as gentle of a way as is possible.

So, at the store I work at probably about 60% of the customers are black women.

Most of my coworkers are also black women.

I’ve spoken on my blog before about my exploration of my racial identity and my odd attempts to reconcile my feelings on my place in the “black community”.

I often find that certain customers will raise their voices at me, look on at me with a face of disdain, and will order me around with no regards for even the simplest of formalities. These same customers upon interacting with my “blacker” coworkers will beam with joy and appear to have spontaneously developed manners.

I would be remiss to not mention that this disparity in manners works the other way around as well; often white and east asian customers will be quite a bit quicker to say please and thank you to me than my more prominently black coworkers.

My blog is about me though so I’m gonna complain about my situation specifically.

When I was a child up until even high school I was often called uppity

I get that. 

I use words like “disparity” casually and really don’t code switch between a formal speech pattern and a casual speech one. I can seem like I’m doing an impression of Ophelia from Hamlet at times. It is totally rational to think that I’m a self aggrandizing narcissist who went to see too many plays (not entirely inaccurate).

I think it’s quite funny, however, that often the people who call me uppity, bougie, or rich girl are in far better financial positions than me.

When I was a child I remember a girl would call me bougie and push my glasses into my face. That girl, upon leaving school for the day, would return home to a mother who is a doctor and a father who is a lawyer. 

Oftentimes in my childhood I would be mocked for being a rich kid by kids wearing Jordans as I padded through life in payless moccasins.

I think it’s rational to draw a comparison between my childhood bullying and the hostility I am met with now. 

I think I’m gonna sound like a whiny lightskin here, but especially in high school the word uppity would be accompanied by the term lightskin.

Just saying there’s probably an association there.

I really don’t think it’s a coincidence that people are hostile toward me upon simply observing me. I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that the same thing happens to my darker skinned coworkers. It’s probably not a coincidence as well that the rude women I deal with have a similar complexion to my childhood bullies. And I really don’t believe that the customers in the store don’t know that I make barely over minimum wage.

I think it’s important to not develop blanket hostility toward a group because of specific instances of less than satisfactory experiences. It’s pretty tough to do that though.

I’m a pretty sensitive person. When customers raise their voices at me I’m often on the verge of tears by the time they’ve gotten in their car to leave the store. I get that it’s really easy to tell people to toughen up. I think it would be a better use of resources to tell people to not be *ssholes though.

I don’t have a solution to any of this.

I don’t even have a satisfying conclusion to draw from this.

I notice that my coworkers are better at dealing with terrible customers than I am (at least on the surface).

I think that can be attributed to all sorts of things. They could just not be sensitive like me. They could be more experienced with dealing with mean people. They could be hardened by living harder lives than me.

I’m gonna pull out my hypothesis for why I think stuff like this really gets to me though.

I think as a person who deviates in the ways that I do, you often feel like people with more concrete traits have a community while you don’t. I feel sometimes that people lay on a spectrum and when you have a definite space on the spectrum you’re more likely to sit in the same space as others. I feel like i swing on a rope over the spectrum wearing nothing but a wizard hat and gogo boots. It’s an uncomfortable feeling. The boots are too small.

So…

I don’t have much to say.

I wrote a post very similar to this yesterday. It was 3000 words long and really great and I don’t like this one even half as much.

Thanks for reading though.

Life Update November 22nd, 2018

*long audible sigh*

so… I haven’t blogged in a long time…

This has been the longest hiatus I’ve ever taken from blogging. I like to imagine that now that I’ve taken a while off, I’ll be even better at writing but I know from experience that if I don’t practice something, my abilities tend to decline.

So since I’ve been gone, I’ll tell you all about what’s been going on in my life.

Peanut has been getting better. Ever since they put back her hip, she’s been acting like her normal self. I don’t think she knows how dire it is that she makes sure her hip stays in place, because she seems very happy to move about however she feels. Thank you to those who donated to my gofundme. I’ll be shutting it down soon and I think you’ll get your money back so look forward to that.

I’ve been preparing a little for college. I have my orientation soon… horrifying. I don’t feel like crying today so I’m gonna stop talking about college.

Here’s a big thing that’s happened in my life lately:
Ok, this is gonna require a block of text so sorry.

On Sunday, a manager from the store I work at who quit a month ago came into the store. Note: we could not stand each other when we worked together and I celebrated when I found out she quit. So she entered the store at about 2:15. She walked around and appeared to just be shopping which is fine as long as she doesn’t talk to me. She talked to one of the other girls working with me for a while, and then she started to get bold. She saw a display that she didn’t like and decided to move it… This really upset the other girl working. After she’d been in the store for an hour I decided to take my work to the back room so I wouldn’t have to deal with her. I stayed in the back room organizing and stuff for about an hour. While I was back there she decided to teach the third girl on shift how to do a layaway… Nobody wanted a layaway and (in case you forgot) SHE DOESN’T WORK HERE! She apparently went out of her way to take the keys to the fitting rooms too and took it upon herself to help customers (she doesn’t work here…) while I was in the back. Once I came back out it was time for the other manager on duty to take her break so I took on the role of manager on duty. As I was working on the floor, the other girl on shift had a return come in. To do returns at my store, sales associates need the manager key, so I went up to the register to verify the return or whatever and the girl who quit had the audacity to say “I can take the key, I used to be a manager.” NO. I’m not getting fired so you can feel special for a minute! She ended up buying her stuff soon after. She only spent like 40 dollars after spending 3 hours and 10 minutes in the store. So the other girls on shift and I complained to our store manager about this and now we had to write written statements for human resources and the store is gonna get visited by regional people so they can check the security cameras and stuff. ugh. Why does this chick ruin everything? 

That’s been my stressful situation for the past few days.

Can you tell that I’m thoroughly upset?

I’m gonna try to get back to regular blogging soon so… Look forward to that?

I don’t know.

I feel pretty disappointed in myself for my inability to juggle life well lately. I’ve basically gone to work and slept.

I’ve been breaking out lately 😦

I have like 5 new acne scars to deal with now and I hate it.

Just when I felt like my skin was getting better it gets worse.

I’ll probably have more to write about soon so I’m gonna leave for now.

Thanks for reading!

I’ll try to get you more words to read.

Life Update: November 12th, 2018

I really need to stop trying to write posts soon before I need to leave for work.

Ok, so life update.

I haven’t really given much information about how things are going for me as of late so I feel a need to update everyone on what’s up.

The thing that most people would probably think is the biggest deal is likely that I got my college acceptance letter.

I’m gonna start college in mid-January.

I’m freaked out!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve been doing some of the college prep stuff in my free time; you know: setting up my student ID, emailing people who told me to email them, planning for which orientation I want to go to, trying to get approved for a student credit card, etc.

In a related note, I started another journal (I know I have too many, I just can’t stop). This one I have dubbed my Lifestyle Journal. I basically have been using it to note my information I need for college stuff, planning daily schedules, writing motivational stuff so I can remember to put in effort, brainstorming steps to reach goals, and other stuff.

I have 40 minutes till I need to be clocked in at work. Ugh.

Peanut’s doing OK. She got a hip reduction procedure recently and I hope it’s going to take. I’m so scared that her hip will come back out. I’m trying to keep her drugged up and minimize the amount of physical exertion she partakes in.

I really like my bangs if you wanted a bangs update.

I’ll do an ED update soon but basically I’ve had really strong urges lately.

I haven’t been my productive self as of late. I’ve been in a pretty depressive state (could you tell by my lack of activity?) and I’m trying to pull myself out of it. I’m hoping this dark cloud on m life will clear up by December.

Oh! Speaking of December, I’ve been doing research on driver’s ed and I’m hoping to do my drivers ed stuff throughout December.

Well, I need to start leaving so I’m gonna finish of this entry.

Thanks for reading!

Rebounding From My Prior Failure

*audible sigh*

Sorry.

I was so excited for this month. I wanted to do so well and I had so many great plans, but here I am.

Behind.

As usual.

So, I’m gonna try to fix this grave failure on my part.

I don’t really know how I’ll go about doing that, but I know that I plan on reaching all of my goals that I haven’t already failed at.

That’s scary for me.

I have to really do a good rebound back into normal life and my attempts at being exceptional in order to make up for my losses in so far.

Ok.

Let’s start out by writing this blog post.

I haven’t blogged in a few days and it’s pretty upsetting.

I’m a creature of habit so as a general rule, if I give myself a day to wallow in bed and do next to nothing I tend to turn that day into a week. I’m pretty prone to getting far too comfortable with defeat. I have a very obvious defeatist mindset, and it doesn’t tend to lend to things working out in my favor.

I guess since I haven’t done so great at working toward some of my more tangible goals this month, I’ll come up with a new goal.

This goal is: be less of a defeatist.

So I’m gonna try to manifest this by doing things even when a loud part of me tells me it’s not worth it. My inner voice often will yell at me that if I can’t get x reward from my effort, I might as well not even try to work toward anything. We’re gonna yell back this month I suppose.

The weird thing about blogging is that I find, when I don’t blog for a while I get worse at blogging. I guess it’s like exercising where if you go for a while without exercising you get far more sore upon going back to working out.

These past roughly 2 weeks have been pretty stifling. *By stifling I of course mean that I stifled my own progress. I haven’t been quite as focused on my studies, my online presence, or my personal progression (i.e stretching, working on my vocals). I have written in my goals journal, however, that balance will be my focus from here on.

  • I’m gonna try to schedule my days in advance upon learning my obligations (for example work hours and errands)
  • I’m gonna try to journal and track my lifestyle more than I have for the past few weeks.
  • I’m gonna complete every task on my daily to-do list every day for the rest of this month.
  • I’m gonna visualize my future with every action I take, because I know that what I do will help me reach my dreams.
  • I’m gonna force myself up when I’m down
  • I can’t think of anything else

Well… We’ll see how this works out.

Thanks for reading.

ED Recovery Update #14

I have a baked potato in the making in the oven as I write this post and I’m actually excited for dinner. I wish they had the tofutti sour cream at the store when I went though because that would make my potato experience 10x better.


I’ve been pretty apathetic when it comes to my meals lately.

I haven’t felt super motivated as far as eating goes and I’ve been eating pretty much the same foods for a few days but a wrench got thrown into my machine today.

My mom brought home a green smoothie for me.

That was really nice. 🙂

It feels like the small change of having this smoothie has pretty much reinvigorated my appetite.

I even ate a snack today!!!!!!!

Can you believe it!?


I’ve been taking adderall for a few years at this point and it still really suppresses my appetite. When I take it before I study I have to force myself to have meals for pretty much the rest of the day because it obliterates my appetite so much.

I think I should ask about a different medication next time I’m at the doctor.


I’ve been super nauseous for like 6 days at this point and it sucks. Taking anti-nausea medication barely helps.

I think it’s not illness nausea, I think it’s anxiety nausea.

I’ve been super burdened by my aggravation about work stuff and the all consuming terror of interpersonal interaction that I can barely think of anything else.

Even today when I was on twitch I couldn’t resist talking about being anxious and nauseous.


new food alert!

I’ve been really into granola lately. In fact this morning I finished the last of the granola in the house.

I would sometimes have granola at the center at breakfast and it was fine, but I think it’s even better when you aren’t in a controlled environment.


I need to incorporate these line text breaks into more posts.


Thank you so much for reading!

I hope you had/ will have a nice day!

If you’re going through ED recovery and wanna talk about it, my comments and email are open!

Bye for now!

Good News x6

Ok.

I need to get a post out again.

Luckily I’m not on a time crunch today so hopefully this won’t be quite as bad of an entry as yesterdays.

I have a lot of things to say that I think will only give me about 2 paragraphs of content each (maximum) so I’ll give each topic a header.

Good Post Coming Up

I’ve been working on a blog post for about 4 days at this point that I hope you guys will like. I don’t wanna reveal anything about it, but it should be posted tomorrow or the next day. I feel like the post I have brewing will really be a big stepping stone in my blogging career, for real. It should hopefully draw new readers to my blog and make a few fellow bloggers happy. Are you excited yet?

BiscuitsXMonsters Put Up My Picture!

I think I told you guys that they asked me to take some product photos for their online store an well… the photos are up! I feel like a model or something!

Screenshot 2018-10-13 at 02.06.35
Do you see me?

Screenshot 2018-10-13 at 02.06.25
You should now!

I’ll link to their store since they’re so nice to me: http://biscuitsxmonsters.storenvy.com

P.S you can use my code “dearmikah” for free shipping on their site, I don’t get paid for it so if you hate me don’t worry you won’t pay me for buying some of the cute stuff on there. I genuinely support the brand.

Work Update

As you guys may know, I work at a clothing store. I make a little over minimum wage and I don’t get a ton of hours because I’m part time but guess what…

My boss offered to promote me to a assistant manager!

So I should be getting more hours (I won’t let this get in the way of my writing) and a raise! Alongside getting a title of course.

A manager quit so my store manager wants to fill the space she left. She also asked me if I’m interested in doing visuals for the store and of course I’m into that so…. YAY!

I love this!

Hopefully I’ll be able to put more money toward my blog with my raise so you can have an even better experience!

Republished Article

No, my article I didn’t like hasn’t been edited, but I do have some good freelancing news!

My Seedling Magazine article will be republished on littlegreenseedling.com so you guys can read it without having to download a copy of Seedling! This is to get the word out about the great pieces in Seedling so if you go over there and like what you see, please download their magazine!

I’m not being paid to say this by the way. If I ever have a real sponsored post, I’ll disclose it because I know you guys trust me and I really value that.

I’ll remind you guys of this on the day it’s put up on the website so you can click a link directly to it.

Bangs Update

I still want bangs and I’m still excited to cut them!

Bullet Journal Spread

My bujo spread for this week is both cute and disappointing. It’s Oogie-Boogie themed and I’m not a great freehand artist so my drawing of Oogie isn’t wonderful, but the colors are great. I love my tombow dual brush pens, they’re so vibrant! I used them for almost the whole spread.

P.S I know The Nightmare Before Christmas is a christmas movie, but I love Oogie-Boogie and I think his colors fit better for my halloweentime spreads. I do have plans for a Nightmare Before Christmas themed christmas spread though so if you love that movie like I do, be patient.

img_4143.jpg
My Oogie-Boogie looks like Patrick from Spongebob got the suds 😦

So yay!

Today’s post feels good to me and I like making positive content sometimes. I’m really not as negative as I seem, I’m just a pessimist– it’s different.

Thank you so much for reading!