ED Recovery Update #15

I haven’t written one of these since October.

I think there’s been a lot of change since then, so I think I’ll try to write this month by month to give it some sort of organization.

November

In November I was very stressed and freaked out. Peanut’s hip issue and my transition to working full time made me emotional.

I tend to deal with stress by shutting down. I go through the motions of life and avoid anything that could upset me. Things that apparently upset me include eating regularly, feeling good about myself, and being fully functional.

So suffice to say I had a bit of a relapse in November.

I tried to force myself to eat at least once a day every day in November, but eating 3 meals wasn’t a daily occurence by a long shot.

December

December was interesting because I seemed to be improving on a surface level (I ate enough) but on an inner level I was stalling.

I think I may have even had a decrease in my ~confidence~.

I definitely wouldn’t put “confident” on a list of my traits, but I can very in levels of self-loathing.

When I was at Disney, I didn’t feel particularly great about myself. It’s tough to be in crowds of people when you’re such an obsessive body-compare-er like myself. It’s weird because I know objectively that my body was very distinctly regular where I was,  but the blinders of self loathing make me block out all the people who are “doing worse” (I know that’s not nice to say) than me. I only see the women who look like they could be cast as Tinker Bell at any given moment and it freaks me out.

p.s I was very surprised at the variety of vegan and vegetarian options at disney. The last time I went it felt like I lived on french fries but this time I got to have an assortment of distinctly different food. Pretty cool.

January

I ate pretty small amounts again. With everything happening (college, work, etc) I relied on my standard coping mechanism. Caloric restriction.

I also got super sick and was throwing up every 45 minutes for like 4 days straight which didn’t help.

Not uber notable.

Now

I’ve been upping my consumption. I’ve gone back to tracking what I eat so that I feel more of an obligation to do it.

I’ve also gone back to stretching to the extent that I used to. I’m so stiff.

So yeah, changes abound.

Hopefully things will be nice soon.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Thanks for reading!

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February

Well…

I quit my job.

I actually quit back on the 18th, but I had to wait for my 2 weeks to finish off before I felt comfortable doing this.

I have a handful of reasons as to why I quit, but basically I didn’t feel I was being paid enough for the amount of responsibility I was given and the prospect of a raise was not in sight among other things.

I’m gonna take some time to be a full time student while I adjust to college life and I’m quite enthused about it. I feel like when I was working at my former job, my growth as a person was being stunted.

I felt like I didn’t have anywhere to be fully expressive for fear of a coworker being upset by me (even though I don’t say anything about them) or that I literally didn’t have time.

Since I put in my 2 weeks notice, I’ve been adjusting my inner clock to times where I’m most productive. I’m my best from about 8:00 to 11:00 in the morning, so staying up until like midnight every night because I had to eat dinner, do my skincare, and generally do the things I can’t do during the day was making me feel like garbage.

I’ve also found that with the shorter class times and fewer work hours, college isn’t quite as awful as high school academically speaking. Socially speaking I’m still in purgatory, but what’s new about that?

If you’ve been around since the summer, you may remember when I would take a walk every morning. I think I’m gonna do that again. I quite enjoyed the time outdoors and the motion, so I think that’ll be enriching.

I think telling the world all of my plans may hinder my ability to actually reach my goals, so I won’t be publicizing all the moves I have planned, but I have some hopes.

I’d like to post every day on here like I did in September, try to get back into photography, hopefully study more (I’ve stagnated), and just generally get back to my productivity level of the past.

Yeah, not much else to say.

Thanks for reading!

Last Entry of 2018

Hi everyone!

I’ve been out and about from sunrise to sunset for the past few days so I haven’t taken the time to write out a blog entry, but my mom and I are waiting for a dinner reservation right now so I figured I’d write.

I really don’t like sentimental mumbo jumbo, so this probably won’t be some grand reflection on the year. I just wanna write out my thoughts.

I’m so happy to be where I am. I tend to not enjoy most things celebrational because I tend to have pretty unexceptional celebrations. But I’m at disney world right now!!

I’m 100% the type of person to make new years resolutions (which I already wrote out in october because duh), and I just thought of a new one.

I want to celebrate stuff next year.

This whole year I haven’t done anything to celebrate anything other than blog posts. I didn’t have a birthday party, I took a nap after my graduation ceremony.

Yeah, I think I want to get excited about stuff in 2019.

So there.

That’s my last entry of 2018.

Let’s end this with what- in my opinion- is the best photo of me this year.

I don’t think I ever posted this on here

on break

I’m blogging at work right now so this post probably won’t be my best work but whatever.

You know how I told you about that girl that used to work at my store who came in and made a scene?

She came in again today…

uuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUGH

Did she not get the hint?

But luckily she was only in the store for like 40 minutes this time and she didn’t take it upon herself to tell us how to run the store.

So on a less annoying note- well actually this annoys me too- I did my paperwork for student loans and such the other day. I’m preparing for my orientation which is in a little over a week.

Not super enthusiastic.

But what’s new?

Here’s a question:

Am I getting boring?

It feels like for the past months and a half my blog posts have been really low effort and pretty un-captivating.

I remember my September posts were so good! I want to write like that again!

I think that’s what I’m gonna really focus on for a while: making good content.

I seem to make these types of goals like 3 times a week though so who knows.

I’m gonna go now so i can do other stuff on my break.

How (a Very Small Number of) Black Women Treat Me and How I Feel About It

Can I process something?

I don’t really know where this is gonna go but I have had something on my mind for the past few days.

I’m terrified, however, of being dragged by the bangs across the internet so I’m gonna try to dance around this topic in as gentle of a way as is possible.

So, at the store I work at probably about 60% of the customers are black women.

Most of my coworkers are also black women.

I’ve spoken on my blog before about my exploration of my racial identity and my odd attempts to reconcile my feelings on my place in the “black community”.

I often find that certain customers will raise their voices at me, look on at me with a face of disdain, and will order me around with no regards for even the simplest of formalities. These same customers upon interacting with my “blacker” coworkers will beam with joy and appear to have spontaneously developed manners.

I would be remiss to not mention that this disparity in manners works the other way around as well; often white and east asian customers will be quite a bit quicker to say please and thank you to me than my more prominently black coworkers.

My blog is about me though so I’m gonna complain about my situation specifically.

When I was a child up until even high school I was often called uppity

I get that. 

I use words like “disparity” casually and really don’t code switch between a formal speech pattern and a casual speech one. I can seem like I’m doing an impression of Ophelia from Hamlet at times. It is totally rational to think that I’m a self aggrandizing narcissist who went to see too many plays (not entirely inaccurate).

I think it’s quite funny, however, that often the people who call me uppity, bougie, or rich girl are in far better financial positions than me.

When I was a child I remember a girl would call me bougie and push my glasses into my face. That girl, upon leaving school for the day, would return home to a mother who is a doctor and a father who is a lawyer. 

Oftentimes in my childhood I would be mocked for being a rich kid by kids wearing Jordans as I padded through life in payless moccasins.

I think it’s rational to draw a comparison between my childhood bullying and the hostility I am met with now. 

I think I’m gonna sound like a whiny lightskin here, but especially in high school the word uppity would be accompanied by the term lightskin.

Just saying there’s probably an association there.

I really don’t think it’s a coincidence that people are hostile toward me upon simply observing me. I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that the same thing happens to my darker skinned coworkers. It’s probably not a coincidence as well that the rude women I deal with have a similar complexion to my childhood bullies. And I really don’t believe that the customers in the store don’t know that I make barely over minimum wage.

I think it’s important to not develop blanket hostility toward a group because of specific instances of less than satisfactory experiences. It’s pretty tough to do that though.

I’m a pretty sensitive person. When customers raise their voices at me I’m often on the verge of tears by the time they’ve gotten in their car to leave the store. I get that it’s really easy to tell people to toughen up. I think it would be a better use of resources to tell people to not be *ssholes though.

I don’t have a solution to any of this.

I don’t even have a satisfying conclusion to draw from this.

I notice that my coworkers are better at dealing with terrible customers than I am (at least on the surface).

I think that can be attributed to all sorts of things. They could just not be sensitive like me. They could be more experienced with dealing with mean people. They could be hardened by living harder lives than me.

I’m gonna pull out my hypothesis for why I think stuff like this really gets to me though.

I think as a person who deviates in the ways that I do, you often feel like people with more concrete traits have a community while you don’t. I feel sometimes that people lay on a spectrum and when you have a definite space on the spectrum you’re more likely to sit in the same space as others. I feel like i swing on a rope over the spectrum wearing nothing but a wizard hat and gogo boots. It’s an uncomfortable feeling. The boots are too small.

So…

I don’t have much to say.

I wrote a post very similar to this yesterday. It was 3000 words long and really great and I don’t like this one even half as much.

Thanks for reading though.

Life Update November 22nd, 2018

*long audible sigh*

so… I haven’t blogged in a long time…

This has been the longest hiatus I’ve ever taken from blogging. I like to imagine that now that I’ve taken a while off, I’ll be even better at writing but I know from experience that if I don’t practice something, my abilities tend to decline.

So since I’ve been gone, I’ll tell you all about what’s been going on in my life.

Peanut has been getting better. Ever since they put back her hip, she’s been acting like her normal self. I don’t think she knows how dire it is that she makes sure her hip stays in place, because she seems very happy to move about however she feels. Thank you to those who donated to my gofundme. I’ll be shutting it down soon and I think you’ll get your money back so look forward to that.

I’ve been preparing a little for college. I have my orientation soon… horrifying. I don’t feel like crying today so I’m gonna stop talking about college.

Here’s a big thing that’s happened in my life lately:
Ok, this is gonna require a block of text so sorry.

On Sunday, a manager from the store I work at who quit a month ago came into the store. Note: we could not stand each other when we worked together and I celebrated when I found out she quit. So she entered the store at about 2:15. She walked around and appeared to just be shopping which is fine as long as she doesn’t talk to me. She talked to one of the other girls working with me for a while, and then she started to get bold. She saw a display that she didn’t like and decided to move it… This really upset the other girl working. After she’d been in the store for an hour I decided to take my work to the back room so I wouldn’t have to deal with her. I stayed in the back room organizing and stuff for about an hour. While I was back there she decided to teach the third girl on shift how to do a layaway… Nobody wanted a layaway and (in case you forgot) SHE DOESN’T WORK HERE! She apparently went out of her way to take the keys to the fitting rooms too and took it upon herself to help customers (she doesn’t work here…) while I was in the back. Once I came back out it was time for the other manager on duty to take her break so I took on the role of manager on duty. As I was working on the floor, the other girl on shift had a return come in. To do returns at my store, sales associates need the manager key, so I went up to the register to verify the return or whatever and the girl who quit had the audacity to say “I can take the key, I used to be a manager.” NO. I’m not getting fired so you can feel special for a minute! She ended up buying her stuff soon after. She only spent like 40 dollars after spending 3 hours and 10 minutes in the store. So the other girls on shift and I complained to our store manager about this and now we had to write written statements for human resources and the store is gonna get visited by regional people so they can check the security cameras and stuff. ugh. Why does this chick ruin everything? 

That’s been my stressful situation for the past few days.

Can you tell that I’m thoroughly upset?

I’m gonna try to get back to regular blogging soon so… Look forward to that?

I don’t know.

I feel pretty disappointed in myself for my inability to juggle life well lately. I’ve basically gone to work and slept.

I’ve been breaking out lately 😦

I have like 5 new acne scars to deal with now and I hate it.

Just when I felt like my skin was getting better it gets worse.

I’ll probably have more to write about soon so I’m gonna leave for now.

Thanks for reading!

I’ll try to get you more words to read.

Life Update: November 12th, 2018

I really need to stop trying to write posts soon before I need to leave for work.

Ok, so life update.

I haven’t really given much information about how things are going for me as of late so I feel a need to update everyone on what’s up.

The thing that most people would probably think is the biggest deal is likely that I got my college acceptance letter.

I’m gonna start college in mid-January.

I’m freaked out!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve been doing some of the college prep stuff in my free time; you know: setting up my student ID, emailing people who told me to email them, planning for which orientation I want to go to, trying to get approved for a student credit card, etc.

In a related note, I started another journal (I know I have too many, I just can’t stop). This one I have dubbed my Lifestyle Journal. I basically have been using it to note my information I need for college stuff, planning daily schedules, writing motivational stuff so I can remember to put in effort, brainstorming steps to reach goals, and other stuff.

I have 40 minutes till I need to be clocked in at work. Ugh.

Peanut’s doing OK. She got a hip reduction procedure recently and I hope it’s going to take. I’m so scared that her hip will come back out. I’m trying to keep her drugged up and minimize the amount of physical exertion she partakes in.

I really like my bangs if you wanted a bangs update.

I’ll do an ED update soon but basically I’ve had really strong urges lately.

I haven’t been my productive self as of late. I’ve been in a pretty depressive state (could you tell by my lack of activity?) and I’m trying to pull myself out of it. I’m hoping this dark cloud on m life will clear up by December.

Oh! Speaking of December, I’ve been doing research on driver’s ed and I’m hoping to do my drivers ed stuff throughout December.

Well, I need to start leaving so I’m gonna finish of this entry.

Thanks for reading!