on break

I’m blogging at work right now so this post probably won’t be my best work but whatever.

You know how I told you about that girl that used to work at my store who came in and made a scene?

She came in again today…

uuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUGH

Did she not get the hint?

But luckily she was only in the store for like 40 minutes this time and she didn’t take it upon herself to tell us how to run the store.

So on a less annoying note- well actually this annoys me too- I did my paperwork for student loans and such the other day. I’m preparing for my orientation which is in a little over a week.

Not super enthusiastic.

But what’s new?

Here’s a question:

Am I getting boring?

It feels like for the past months and a half my blog posts have been really low effort and pretty un-captivating.

I remember my September posts were so good! I want to write like that again!

I think that’s what I’m gonna really focus on for a while: making good content.

I seem to make these types of goals like 3 times a week though so who knows.

I’m gonna go now so i can do other stuff on my break.

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BKchat, tumblr, and incels

I have no idea where this post is gonna go, but I’m going to write anyway. I think I’m gonna write one paragraph about whatever comes to mind until I feel satisfied.

I just got off work, which is super great. I strongly prefer the days when I work early and leave early over days where I show up later and close the store.

Yesterday I took a lot of photos. I photographed Posh and Samoa, Maddie, and myself. I’m still in the process of editing them though, so you guys will see them some time in the near future.

Recently I’ve really enjoyed a show called bkchat london. I often saw people on twitter talk about stuff the people on bkchat said and I never felt particularly compelled to spend like an hour listening to people debate about relatively simple (in my eyes) subjects. But I watched an episode the other day and realized the show is actually pretty interesting (although I wish the cast wouldn’t yell over each other every 25 seconds). It’s interesting to hear people who have views that I’d never even thought people had.

We got Marshmallows ashes yesterday. It’s weird, I thought I was pretty well recovered, but I guess I’m not. The second I took out the urn, I started sobbing. I just feel really  bad. I miss him a lot.

I’m still figuring out college stuff. I have to do financial aid online paperwork stuff… Not enthused.

Have y’all heard about how tumblr is banning adult content? I’m worried they may start hunting down anyone who posts anything nsfw (i.e discussions of sexual assault). When the news came out, a lot of people started passing around an article about how a lot of women discover and prefer viewing p*rn on tumblr. I think it’s odd that people have taken this information and used it as a gotcha to tumblr that they shouldn’t ban adult content so women can watch p*rn. I don’t wanna sound like a prude but… If tumblr has to ban all adult content so that there won’t be as big of a child p*rnography problem, I value the safety of children 5000 times more than the feelings of women who use tumblr to get off.

Have you guys also heard about all the incel dudes reporting s*x workers with premium snapchats to the IRS? That’s so odd to me. I don’t want to entirely reveal my stance because I don’t want people to say “oh so you have s*x workers?” because that’s what I’ve seen a lot of super liberal feminists say when anyone offers the slightest bit of criticism toward the s*x industry. What I will say is that I’m not particularly fond of the majority of the s*x industry, but just because you may think “p*rn is bad” or that you’re bitter about pretty women not talking to you, you don’t need to try to ruin people’s lives. ugh.

This post really meanders, doesn’t it?

Tomorrow I have a psychiatrist appointment. I’m excited to get out. It’ feels like for the past month I’ve gone to work, come home, and maybe if I’m feeling wild I’ll go to the grocery store. I wouldn’t say I’m a homebody or a person who needs to constantly be out and about, but I really do enjoy the occasional outing.

ok. I’m gonna go now, I need to study.

Thanks for reading.

Good Day

Today is so far going according to plan.

I tend to be pretty hesitant of coming up with a time table for my days because things don’t always go according to plan and I believe that the secret to good planning is having contingencies.

Today has had contingencies, but they’re great contingencies!

My big idea for today was to do laundry, study for 3 hours, finally put batteries in my computer mouse, make next weeks bullet journal spread, and take a- as I call it- full shower (a full shower is a shower where I not only do normal shower stuff but also do my less frequent body care stuff like putting on a body mask, dry brushing, doing a hair mask etc etc).

So far I’ve done 2 loads of laundry, studied for 2 and a half hours (I’m on a break as I write this), put batteries in my mouse, and (don’t gasp too loud) cleaned my room. (!!!!!!!!!!!)

My room isn’t as clean as I’d like it to be, but it’s far cleaner than it was so I’m happy.

I’ve decided that over the course of this month I want to do 1 cleaning project on each (or most) of my days off work.

My mom and I are going to go out of town toward the end of December, so I want Angel who’s petsitting to not be mortified.

I’m in a shockingly good mood right now, it’s honestly kind of concerning.

Tomorrow my mom’s gonna get Marshmallow’s ashes…

I don’t know how I’ll react when I get them.

I have a little urn necklace and I have someone who’s willing to put some of the ashes in it for me, so I’ve been able to save myself the grief of that. I think actually seeing the ashes themselves would have ruined me.

God I miss Mel.

I’ve been thinking quite a bit lately about rabbits. Marshmallow really made me love the species. I was so scared that he’d be impersonal, but he turned out to be so affectionate and full of personality traits that just don’t come to mind when most people think of rabbits.

And so…

I’m thinking I’ll adopt another rabbit a little while after I’m settled in to college.

I don’t want to replace Mel, but I just really miss the presence of a herbivore in the home.

I sound like a crazy person when I talk about this; but I really, truly believe that I have a “spiritual” connection with herbivorous animals in general, especially rabbits and cattle. I don’t love to use the word spiritual because I personally associate it with hippy-dippy nonsense, but I can’t think of a less hippy-ish way of saying how I feel. I think herbivores and I just get each other. Like, I remember when my mom and I went to Custer State Park in South Dakota, people were tossing carrots toward the prairie dogs to try to get them to come closer, they just approached me. I think that was an awakening for me.

Since my prairie dog moment, I’ve noticed that all sort of animals like squirrels and such seem to be less tense around me.

I think I have a gift.

Some people have a thick skin, some people have super model proportions, I connect with herbivorous animals.

So who’s the real winner here?

the answer is me

Alright, I’ve gotta get back to studying so I’m headed out.

Thanks for reading!

♡♡♡♡♡

oh! and I realized recently that I haven’t posted any new photos of myself on my blog for quite a while so here’s a picture of me:

img_4909

Welcome to December

It’s December 1st!

December’s one of my favorite months and I’m very excited about winter.

I’m gonna pretty much verbally process this upcoming month for the duration of this entry.

today

I had a very specific plan set out for today when I woke up… Today did not go according to plan.

I had to go to work today even though I wasn’t scheduled because I had to call in the other day and I needed to make up my hours. I expected to work for 2 hours and then come home and really focus on studying, but another girl called in so I ended up working about 5 hours so nobody else would be screwed over.

I’m hoping to get in a good study session after I’m done writing, though.

#1 goal for December

I feel like in November, for the majority of the month I wasn’t juggling life well (as shown by my lack of blog posts). I’ve pretty much stagnated in language study, I’ve been sleeping really irregularly, and I’ve kinda taken my eye off of the prize.

For December, I’m hoping to be a bit more balanced in my lifestyle.

For about the past week I’ve gotten a little bit closer to my “normal”. I’ve been stretching more, I’ve studied more, I’ve slept earlier, and at least I’ve blogged some.

During December I’m gonna try to will myself into doing stuff even when I feel no motivation. Let’s see how that goes.

other December goals

  • get ready for college (orientation and stuff…)
  • save $200
  • post at least 25 blog entries
  • get back into taking pictures
  • post said pictures on instagram
  • drivers ed (eek)
  • write in my diary at least 4 times per week
  • fill out my habit tracker at the end of every day

 

hyping myself up

I just got sent my work schedule for this upcoming week.

It’s not too brutal. I do have more days closing the store than I prefer, but whatever. I’m hoping to not have anything derail me for this week/month, so wish me luck.

I don’t really have much else to say so…

Thank you for reading!

How (a Very Small Number of) Black Women Treat Me and How I Feel About It

Can I process something?

I don’t really know where this is gonna go but I have had something on my mind for the past few days.

I’m terrified, however, of being dragged by the bangs across the internet so I’m gonna try to dance around this topic in as gentle of a way as is possible.

So, at the store I work at probably about 60% of the customers are black women.

Most of my coworkers are also black women.

I’ve spoken on my blog before about my exploration of my racial identity and my odd attempts to reconcile my feelings on my place in the “black community”.

I often find that certain customers will raise their voices at me, look on at me with a face of disdain, and will order me around with no regards for even the simplest of formalities. These same customers upon interacting with my “blacker” coworkers will beam with joy and appear to have spontaneously developed manners.

I would be remiss to not mention that this disparity in manners works the other way around as well; often white and east asian customers will be quite a bit quicker to say please and thank you to me than my more prominently black coworkers.

My blog is about me though so I’m gonna complain about my situation specifically.

When I was a child up until even high school I was often called uppity

I get that. 

I use words like “disparity” casually and really don’t code switch between a formal speech pattern and a casual speech one. I can seem like I’m doing an impression of Ophelia from Hamlet at times. It is totally rational to think that I’m a self aggrandizing narcissist who went to see too many plays (not entirely inaccurate).

I think it’s quite funny, however, that often the people who call me uppity, bougie, or rich girl are in far better financial positions than me.

When I was a child I remember a girl would call me bougie and push my glasses into my face. That girl, upon leaving school for the day, would return home to a mother who is a doctor and a father who is a lawyer. 

Oftentimes in my childhood I would be mocked for being a rich kid by kids wearing Jordans as I padded through life in payless moccasins.

I think it’s rational to draw a comparison between my childhood bullying and the hostility I am met with now. 

I think I’m gonna sound like a whiny lightskin here, but especially in high school the word uppity would be accompanied by the term lightskin.

Just saying there’s probably an association there.

I really don’t think it’s a coincidence that people are hostile toward me upon simply observing me. I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that the same thing happens to my darker skinned coworkers. It’s probably not a coincidence as well that the rude women I deal with have a similar complexion to my childhood bullies. And I really don’t believe that the customers in the store don’t know that I make barely over minimum wage.

I think it’s important to not develop blanket hostility toward a group because of specific instances of less than satisfactory experiences. It’s pretty tough to do that though.

I’m a pretty sensitive person. When customers raise their voices at me I’m often on the verge of tears by the time they’ve gotten in their car to leave the store. I get that it’s really easy to tell people to toughen up. I think it would be a better use of resources to tell people to not be *ssholes though.

I don’t have a solution to any of this.

I don’t even have a satisfying conclusion to draw from this.

I notice that my coworkers are better at dealing with terrible customers than I am (at least on the surface).

I think that can be attributed to all sorts of things. They could just not be sensitive like me. They could be more experienced with dealing with mean people. They could be hardened by living harder lives than me.

I’m gonna pull out my hypothesis for why I think stuff like this really gets to me though.

I think as a person who deviates in the ways that I do, you often feel like people with more concrete traits have a community while you don’t. I feel sometimes that people lay on a spectrum and when you have a definite space on the spectrum you’re more likely to sit in the same space as others. I feel like i swing on a rope over the spectrum wearing nothing but a wizard hat and gogo boots. It’s an uncomfortable feeling. The boots are too small.

So…

I don’t have much to say.

I wrote a post very similar to this yesterday. It was 3000 words long and really great and I don’t like this one even half as much.

Thanks for reading though.

Life Update November 22nd, 2018

*long audible sigh*

so… I haven’t blogged in a long time…

This has been the longest hiatus I’ve ever taken from blogging. I like to imagine that now that I’ve taken a while off, I’ll be even better at writing but I know from experience that if I don’t practice something, my abilities tend to decline.

So since I’ve been gone, I’ll tell you all about what’s been going on in my life.

Peanut has been getting better. Ever since they put back her hip, she’s been acting like her normal self. I don’t think she knows how dire it is that she makes sure her hip stays in place, because she seems very happy to move about however she feels. Thank you to those who donated to my gofundme. I’ll be shutting it down soon and I think you’ll get your money back so look forward to that.

I’ve been preparing a little for college. I have my orientation soon… horrifying. I don’t feel like crying today so I’m gonna stop talking about college.

Here’s a big thing that’s happened in my life lately:
Ok, this is gonna require a block of text so sorry.

On Sunday, a manager from the store I work at who quit a month ago came into the store. Note: we could not stand each other when we worked together and I celebrated when I found out she quit. So she entered the store at about 2:15. She walked around and appeared to just be shopping which is fine as long as she doesn’t talk to me. She talked to one of the other girls working with me for a while, and then she started to get bold. She saw a display that she didn’t like and decided to move it… This really upset the other girl working. After she’d been in the store for an hour I decided to take my work to the back room so I wouldn’t have to deal with her. I stayed in the back room organizing and stuff for about an hour. While I was back there she decided to teach the third girl on shift how to do a layaway… Nobody wanted a layaway and (in case you forgot) SHE DOESN’T WORK HERE! She apparently went out of her way to take the keys to the fitting rooms too and took it upon herself to help customers (she doesn’t work here…) while I was in the back. Once I came back out it was time for the other manager on duty to take her break so I took on the role of manager on duty. As I was working on the floor, the other girl on shift had a return come in. To do returns at my store, sales associates need the manager key, so I went up to the register to verify the return or whatever and the girl who quit had the audacity to say “I can take the key, I used to be a manager.” NO. I’m not getting fired so you can feel special for a minute! She ended up buying her stuff soon after. She only spent like 40 dollars after spending 3 hours and 10 minutes in the store. So the other girls on shift and I complained to our store manager about this and now we had to write written statements for human resources and the store is gonna get visited by regional people so they can check the security cameras and stuff. ugh. Why does this chick ruin everything? 

That’s been my stressful situation for the past few days.

Can you tell that I’m thoroughly upset?

I’m gonna try to get back to regular blogging soon so… Look forward to that?

I don’t know.

I feel pretty disappointed in myself for my inability to juggle life well lately. I’ve basically gone to work and slept.

I’ve been breaking out lately 😦

I have like 5 new acne scars to deal with now and I hate it.

Just when I felt like my skin was getting better it gets worse.

I’ll probably have more to write about soon so I’m gonna leave for now.

Thanks for reading!

I’ll try to get you more words to read.

Life Update: November 12th, 2018

I really need to stop trying to write posts soon before I need to leave for work.

Ok, so life update.

I haven’t really given much information about how things are going for me as of late so I feel a need to update everyone on what’s up.

The thing that most people would probably think is the biggest deal is likely that I got my college acceptance letter.

I’m gonna start college in mid-January.

I’m freaked out!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve been doing some of the college prep stuff in my free time; you know: setting up my student ID, emailing people who told me to email them, planning for which orientation I want to go to, trying to get approved for a student credit card, etc.

In a related note, I started another journal (I know I have too many, I just can’t stop). This one I have dubbed my Lifestyle Journal. I basically have been using it to note my information I need for college stuff, planning daily schedules, writing motivational stuff so I can remember to put in effort, brainstorming steps to reach goals, and other stuff.

I have 40 minutes till I need to be clocked in at work. Ugh.

Peanut’s doing OK. She got a hip reduction procedure recently and I hope it’s going to take. I’m so scared that her hip will come back out. I’m trying to keep her drugged up and minimize the amount of physical exertion she partakes in.

I really like my bangs if you wanted a bangs update.

I’ll do an ED update soon but basically I’ve had really strong urges lately.

I haven’t been my productive self as of late. I’ve been in a pretty depressive state (could you tell by my lack of activity?) and I’m trying to pull myself out of it. I’m hoping this dark cloud on m life will clear up by December.

Oh! Speaking of December, I’ve been doing research on driver’s ed and I’m hoping to do my drivers ed stuff throughout December.

Well, I need to start leaving so I’m gonna finish of this entry.

Thanks for reading!