ED Recovery Update #15

I haven’t written one of these since October.

I think there’s been a lot of change since then, so I think I’ll try to write this month by month to give it some sort of organization.

November

In November I was very stressed and freaked out. Peanut’s hip issue and my transition to working full time made me emotional.

I tend to deal with stress by shutting down. I go through the motions of life and avoid anything that could upset me. Things that apparently upset me include eating regularly, feeling good about myself, and being fully functional.

So suffice to say I had a bit of a relapse in November.

I tried to force myself to eat at least once a day every day in November, but eating 3 meals wasn’t a daily occurence by a long shot.

December

December was interesting because I seemed to be improving on a surface level (I ate enough) but on an inner level I was stalling.

I think I may have even had a decrease in my ~confidence~.

I definitely wouldn’t put “confident” on a list of my traits, but I can very in levels of self-loathing.

When I was at Disney, I didn’t feel particularly great about myself. It’s tough to be in crowds of people when you’re such an obsessive body-compare-er like myself. It’s weird because I know objectively that my body was very distinctly regular where I was,  but the blinders of self loathing make me block out all the people who are “doing worse” (I know that’s not nice to say) than me. I only see the women who look like they could be cast as Tinker Bell at any given moment and it freaks me out.

p.s I was very surprised at the variety of vegan and vegetarian options at disney. The last time I went it felt like I lived on french fries but this time I got to have an assortment of distinctly different food. Pretty cool.

January

I ate pretty small amounts again. With everything happening (college, work, etc) I relied on my standard coping mechanism. Caloric restriction.

I also got super sick and was throwing up every 45 minutes for like 4 days straight which didn’t help.

Not uber notable.

Now

I’ve been upping my consumption. I’ve gone back to tracking what I eat so that I feel more of an obligation to do it.

I’ve also gone back to stretching to the extent that I used to. I’m so stiff.

So yeah, changes abound.

Hopefully things will be nice soon.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Thanks for reading!

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February

Well…

I quit my job.

I actually quit back on the 18th, but I had to wait for my 2 weeks to finish off before I felt comfortable doing this.

I have a handful of reasons as to why I quit, but basically I didn’t feel I was being paid enough for the amount of responsibility I was given and the prospect of a raise was not in sight among other things.

I’m gonna take some time to be a full time student while I adjust to college life and I’m quite enthused about it. I feel like when I was working at my former job, my growth as a person was being stunted.

I felt like I didn’t have anywhere to be fully expressive for fear of a coworker being upset by me (even though I don’t say anything about them) or that I literally didn’t have time.

Since I put in my 2 weeks notice, I’ve been adjusting my inner clock to times where I’m most productive. I’m my best from about 8:00 to 11:00 in the morning, so staying up until like midnight every night because I had to eat dinner, do my skincare, and generally do the things I can’t do during the day was making me feel like garbage.

I’ve also found that with the shorter class times and fewer work hours, college isn’t quite as awful as high school academically speaking. Socially speaking I’m still in purgatory, but what’s new about that?

If you’ve been around since the summer, you may remember when I would take a walk every morning. I think I’m gonna do that again. I quite enjoyed the time outdoors and the motion, so I think that’ll be enriching.

I think telling the world all of my plans may hinder my ability to actually reach my goals, so I won’t be publicizing all the moves I have planned, but I have some hopes.

I’d like to post every day on here like I did in September, try to get back into photography, hopefully study more (I’ve stagnated), and just generally get back to my productivity level of the past.

Yeah, not much else to say.

Thanks for reading!

Orlando Day 1: Getting Flewed Out

Hi again!

My mom and I left Disney yesterday and we’re at a hotel near the airport for a few days, so I’m gonna try to make my posts while we’re here (we’ll see how that goes).

So we left for Orlando on December 28th, 2018.

We took a shuttle to the airport and the driver was a pretty aggressive maneuver-er. He was switching lanes like crazy and just whipping that van around.

We got to the airport about 6 hour before our flight. We expected to spend like an hour waiting for security, but it actually only took like 20 minutes. Our flight was delayed like 3 times, so we sat at the gate.

We made some new friends waiting. There was an older couple next to us, a lady with a 2 year old, a girl who was in the Disney College Program, and a therapist from Puerto Rico. To my mom’s credit, they were all talking to her, not me. I don’t really interact with strangers. I don’t think I said a single thing to like 3 of them. I wish I was sociable.

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there’s a suitcase missing from this photo. Oh wait, it’s in the corner.

The plane boarded about 2 and a half hours after we planned.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned it before but I have a bit of a fear of flying. By a bit of a fear, I mean I stay on the verge of tears for the entirety of every flight I board. Lucky for me, this flight had a ton of turbulence. My butthole didn’t unclench for almost 3 hours.

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Taken before we got in the air. When I find cool lighting, I take advantage of it.

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After being in existential terror for a few hours (and watching the first 4 episodes of season 4 of Curb Your Enthusiasm), we landed.

The Orlando airport is really cool. It’s giant, so you have to take a train from one side to the other. We waited for our luggage for a while and much to our luck, some dudes duffel bag got caught on the edge of the conveyor right in front of my moms suitcase, so we had to wait an extra 10 or so minutes while they fixed the machine. It was kinda cool to see the guys moving stuff around though.

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Christmas decorations have been up the whole time we’ve been here.

We then took an uber to get to the motel we stayed at overnight before we checked in to our disney hotel.

If you ask my mom about it, she’ll give you a 10 page single-spaced essay about everything wrong with the motel. The greatest hits include: broken mini fridge, staff didn’t know where the room was located, no elevator, right next to a nice hotel (bad juxtaposition), and many more. I guess I’m a pretty easy to please person because I didn’t particularly care. We got there at like 1:00 and had to leave at about 4:30, so I just didn’t sleep and watched animal planet instead.

I’ll end this post by telling you about one of my top 5 dumb moments of the last half of 2018. So before we left the airport I got some little soft pretzel bite dudes to eat at the motel. When we got to the motel, I decided I wanted to eat them warm… Well in the time between buying them and putting them in the microwave, I forgot that I put the change in the bag they gave me my pretzels in.

If you haven’t figured it out yet… I microwaved a quarter.

I didn’t start a fire though, so I think I did fine.

It’s fine.

I’m fine.

Ok. More posts coming up soon.

Thanks for reading!

 

Last Entry of 2018

Hi everyone!

I’ve been out and about from sunrise to sunset for the past few days so I haven’t taken the time to write out a blog entry, but my mom and I are waiting for a dinner reservation right now so I figured I’d write.

I really don’t like sentimental mumbo jumbo, so this probably won’t be some grand reflection on the year. I just wanna write out my thoughts.

I’m so happy to be where I am. I tend to not enjoy most things celebrational because I tend to have pretty unexceptional celebrations. But I’m at disney world right now!!

I’m 100% the type of person to make new years resolutions (which I already wrote out in october because duh), and I just thought of a new one.

I want to celebrate stuff next year.

This whole year I haven’t done anything to celebrate anything other than blog posts. I didn’t have a birthday party, I took a nap after my graduation ceremony.

Yeah, I think I want to get excited about stuff in 2019.

So there.

That’s my last entry of 2018.

Let’s end this with what- in my opinion- is the best photo of me this year.

I don’t think I ever posted this on here

I’m A Walking Fever Dream

Welp.

I have a fever.

I think I’ve written a post while I had a fever before, right?

Who am I kidding, none of you would be able to recall something so specific.

I have a morbid fascination with fevers and illness in general.

I think it’s because I used to hang out at the hospital a lot when I was a little kid. For a while when my mom worked nights and I was too young to be alone, she would find an empty hospital room and I’d sleep at the hospital then she’d drop me off at school the next morning. I always really liked the hospital. I like how the beds are adjustable, and the color of the lights, and that the bathroom was connected to the room, and how hospitals smell. I don’t know how to explain the hospital scent. It’s just nice I guess.

I still really like visiting the hospital when my mom has to do some sort of errand up there.

I like to look at those “medicalcore” pictures on tumblr quite a bit. In fact I’m pretty sure my most popular post on tumblr is a picture of the wall in the ER room I stayed in when I got pneumonia. I still get a handful of likes on it every week and it’s over 4 months old.

It’s cool to have a log of your thoughts that you can go back to whenever you feel like it. Sometimes I’ll be feeling/doing something and the first thing that comes to mind is how great of a blog post this could be.

That’s what led to me writing right now.

I feel completely delirious, and I can imagine that anything I write right now could potentially be entertaining.

I always describe things as “feeling like a fever dream” and right now, my existence feels like a fever dream.

I think I may have more than an infection. I never get fevers when I have a sinus infection.

Whatever, hopefully the antibiotics take care of it.

 

 

Haha.

I just thought of this gif I saved.

Take a look at it.

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God, my sense of humor is ridiculous.

I’m gonna end this entry now.

Future Changes

Would you look at that, I’m not stuck at work until past 21:30 today!

I hate it that I feel lost when I’m not busy.

I miss that feeling of motivation to do things I like that I had in the past. I’m trying to force myself to do things like blogging so that I can maybe regain what I’ve lost.

When you don’t have as many hours in a day to do what matters to you it feels like those things matter less to you, you know?

I’m hoping to spend the rest of today, tomorrow, and parts of sunday getting my mind together. I would really like to brainstorm a way to better balance my life. It feels like I’m doing that weekly though and it never bears fruit.

Maybe things will get better once I start school and have a more consistent schedule (that’s a long shot).

I often wonder why people take the time out of their day to read my blog when I don’t really have much to say a lot of the time.

I really want to do right by my readership by crafting interesting content.

I’m thinking maybe I’ll branch out from just writing personal posts to maybe writing about fashion and such. I tried to do that towards the beginning of my blog, but I think I’m in a better place to make that sort of stuff now. I’m thinking maybe I’ll do OOTD’s and maybe reviews? Of course the personal stuff won’t go away though.

I’m gonna try to force myself to take more pictures as well because I know these walls of text can kind of be exhausting. I tend to feel a bit more proud of my posts with photos as well, so that would probably help me with my motivation.

I think once I can drive my posts may improve as well. I’ll probably feel more inspired when I’m out in the world rather than in the 2 very exotic settings of my home and my work.

I’m gonna brainstorm offline.

Thanks for reading.

on break

I’m blogging at work right now so this post probably won’t be my best work but whatever.

You know how I told you about that girl that used to work at my store who came in and made a scene?

She came in again today…

uuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUGH

Did she not get the hint?

But luckily she was only in the store for like 40 minutes this time and she didn’t take it upon herself to tell us how to run the store.

So on a less annoying note- well actually this annoys me too- I did my paperwork for student loans and such the other day. I’m preparing for my orientation which is in a little over a week.

Not super enthusiastic.

But what’s new?

Here’s a question:

Am I getting boring?

It feels like for the past months and a half my blog posts have been really low effort and pretty un-captivating.

I remember my September posts were so good! I want to write like that again!

I think that’s what I’m gonna really focus on for a while: making good content.

I seem to make these types of goals like 3 times a week though so who knows.

I’m gonna go now so i can do other stuff on my break.