Welcome to December

It’s December 1st!

December’s one of my favorite months and I’m very excited about winter.

I’m gonna pretty much verbally process this upcoming month for the duration of this entry.

today

I had a very specific plan set out for today when I woke up… Today did not go according to plan.

I had to go to work today even though I wasn’t scheduled because I had to call in the other day and I needed to make up my hours. I expected to work for 2 hours and then come home and really focus on studying, but another girl called in so I ended up working about 5 hours so nobody else would be screwed over.

I’m hoping to get in a good study session after I’m done writing, though.

#1 goal for December

I feel like in November, for the majority of the month I wasn’t juggling life well (as shown by my lack of blog posts). I’ve pretty much stagnated in language study, I’ve been sleeping really irregularly, and I’ve kinda taken my eye off of the prize.

For December, I’m hoping to be a bit more balanced in my lifestyle.

For about the past week I’ve gotten a little bit closer to my “normal”. I’ve been stretching more, I’ve studied more, I’ve slept earlier, and at least I’ve blogged some.

During December I’m gonna try to will myself into doing stuff even when I feel no motivation. Let’s see how that goes.

other December goals

  • get ready for college (orientation and stuff…)
  • save $200
  • post at least 25 blog entries
  • get back into taking pictures
  • post said pictures on instagram
  • drivers ed (eek)
  • write in my diary at least 4 times per week
  • fill out my habit tracker at the end of every day

 

hyping myself up

I just got sent my work schedule for this upcoming week.

It’s not too brutal. I do have more days closing the store than I prefer, but whatever. I’m hoping to not have anything derail me for this week/month, so wish me luck.

I don’t really have much else to say so…

Thank you for reading!

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How (a Very Small Number of) Black Women Treat Me and How I Feel About It

Can I process something?

I don’t really know where this is gonna go but I have had something on my mind for the past few days.

I’m terrified, however, of being dragged by the bangs across the internet so I’m gonna try to dance around this topic in as gentle of a way as is possible.

So, at the store I work at probably about 60% of the customers are black women.

Most of my coworkers are also black women.

I’ve spoken on my blog before about my exploration of my racial identity and my odd attempts to reconcile my feelings on my place in the “black community”.

I often find that certain customers will raise their voices at me, look on at me with a face of disdain, and will order me around with no regards for even the simplest of formalities. These same customers upon interacting with my “blacker” coworkers will beam with joy and appear to have spontaneously developed manners.

I would be remiss to not mention that this disparity in manners works the other way around as well; often white and east asian customers will be quite a bit quicker to say please and thank you to me than my more prominently black coworkers.

My blog is about me though so I’m gonna complain about my situation specifically.

When I was a child up until even high school I was often called uppity

I get that. 

I use words like “disparity” casually and really don’t code switch between a formal speech pattern and a casual speech one. I can seem like I’m doing an impression of Ophelia from Hamlet at times. It is totally rational to think that I’m a self aggrandizing narcissist who went to see too many plays (not entirely inaccurate).

I think it’s quite funny, however, that often the people who call me uppity, bougie, or rich girl are in far better financial positions than me.

When I was a child I remember a girl would call me bougie and push my glasses into my face. That girl, upon leaving school for the day, would return home to a mother who is a doctor and a father who is a lawyer. 

Oftentimes in my childhood I would be mocked for being a rich kid by kids wearing Jordans as I padded through life in payless moccasins.

I think it’s rational to draw a comparison between my childhood bullying and the hostility I am met with now. 

I think I’m gonna sound like a whiny lightskin here, but especially in high school the word uppity would be accompanied by the term lightskin.

Just saying there’s probably an association there.

I really don’t think it’s a coincidence that people are hostile toward me upon simply observing me. I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that the same thing happens to my darker skinned coworkers. It’s probably not a coincidence as well that the rude women I deal with have a similar complexion to my childhood bullies. And I really don’t believe that the customers in the store don’t know that I make barely over minimum wage.

I think it’s important to not develop blanket hostility toward a group because of specific instances of less than satisfactory experiences. It’s pretty tough to do that though.

I’m a pretty sensitive person. When customers raise their voices at me I’m often on the verge of tears by the time they’ve gotten in their car to leave the store. I get that it’s really easy to tell people to toughen up. I think it would be a better use of resources to tell people to not be *ssholes though.

I don’t have a solution to any of this.

I don’t even have a satisfying conclusion to draw from this.

I notice that my coworkers are better at dealing with terrible customers than I am (at least on the surface).

I think that can be attributed to all sorts of things. They could just not be sensitive like me. They could be more experienced with dealing with mean people. They could be hardened by living harder lives than me.

I’m gonna pull out my hypothesis for why I think stuff like this really gets to me though.

I think as a person who deviates in the ways that I do, you often feel like people with more concrete traits have a community while you don’t. I feel sometimes that people lay on a spectrum and when you have a definite space on the spectrum you’re more likely to sit in the same space as others. I feel like i swing on a rope over the spectrum wearing nothing but a wizard hat and gogo boots. It’s an uncomfortable feeling. The boots are too small.

So…

I don’t have much to say.

I wrote a post very similar to this yesterday. It was 3000 words long and really great and I don’t like this one even half as much.

Thanks for reading though.

Life Update November 22nd, 2018

*long audible sigh*

so… I haven’t blogged in a long time…

This has been the longest hiatus I’ve ever taken from blogging. I like to imagine that now that I’ve taken a while off, I’ll be even better at writing but I know from experience that if I don’t practice something, my abilities tend to decline.

So since I’ve been gone, I’ll tell you all about what’s been going on in my life.

Peanut has been getting better. Ever since they put back her hip, she’s been acting like her normal self. I don’t think she knows how dire it is that she makes sure her hip stays in place, because she seems very happy to move about however she feels. Thank you to those who donated to my gofundme. I’ll be shutting it down soon and I think you’ll get your money back so look forward to that.

I’ve been preparing a little for college. I have my orientation soon… horrifying. I don’t feel like crying today so I’m gonna stop talking about college.

Here’s a big thing that’s happened in my life lately:
Ok, this is gonna require a block of text so sorry.

On Sunday, a manager from the store I work at who quit a month ago came into the store. Note: we could not stand each other when we worked together and I celebrated when I found out she quit. So she entered the store at about 2:15. She walked around and appeared to just be shopping which is fine as long as she doesn’t talk to me. She talked to one of the other girls working with me for a while, and then she started to get bold. She saw a display that she didn’t like and decided to move it… This really upset the other girl working. After she’d been in the store for an hour I decided to take my work to the back room so I wouldn’t have to deal with her. I stayed in the back room organizing and stuff for about an hour. While I was back there she decided to teach the third girl on shift how to do a layaway… Nobody wanted a layaway and (in case you forgot) SHE DOESN’T WORK HERE! She apparently went out of her way to take the keys to the fitting rooms too and took it upon herself to help customers (she doesn’t work here…) while I was in the back. Once I came back out it was time for the other manager on duty to take her break so I took on the role of manager on duty. As I was working on the floor, the other girl on shift had a return come in. To do returns at my store, sales associates need the manager key, so I went up to the register to verify the return or whatever and the girl who quit had the audacity to say “I can take the key, I used to be a manager.” NO. I’m not getting fired so you can feel special for a minute! She ended up buying her stuff soon after. She only spent like 40 dollars after spending 3 hours and 10 minutes in the store. So the other girls on shift and I complained to our store manager about this and now we had to write written statements for human resources and the store is gonna get visited by regional people so they can check the security cameras and stuff. ugh. Why does this chick ruin everything? 

That’s been my stressful situation for the past few days.

Can you tell that I’m thoroughly upset?

I’m gonna try to get back to regular blogging soon so… Look forward to that?

I don’t know.

I feel pretty disappointed in myself for my inability to juggle life well lately. I’ve basically gone to work and slept.

I’ve been breaking out lately 😦

I have like 5 new acne scars to deal with now and I hate it.

Just when I felt like my skin was getting better it gets worse.

I’ll probably have more to write about soon so I’m gonna leave for now.

Thanks for reading!

I’ll try to get you more words to read.

Life Update: November 12th, 2018

I really need to stop trying to write posts soon before I need to leave for work.

Ok, so life update.

I haven’t really given much information about how things are going for me as of late so I feel a need to update everyone on what’s up.

The thing that most people would probably think is the biggest deal is likely that I got my college acceptance letter.

I’m gonna start college in mid-January.

I’m freaked out!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve been doing some of the college prep stuff in my free time; you know: setting up my student ID, emailing people who told me to email them, planning for which orientation I want to go to, trying to get approved for a student credit card, etc.

In a related note, I started another journal (I know I have too many, I just can’t stop). This one I have dubbed my Lifestyle Journal. I basically have been using it to note my information I need for college stuff, planning daily schedules, writing motivational stuff so I can remember to put in effort, brainstorming steps to reach goals, and other stuff.

I have 40 minutes till I need to be clocked in at work. Ugh.

Peanut’s doing OK. She got a hip reduction procedure recently and I hope it’s going to take. I’m so scared that her hip will come back out. I’m trying to keep her drugged up and minimize the amount of physical exertion she partakes in.

I really like my bangs if you wanted a bangs update.

I’ll do an ED update soon but basically I’ve had really strong urges lately.

I haven’t been my productive self as of late. I’ve been in a pretty depressive state (could you tell by my lack of activity?) and I’m trying to pull myself out of it. I’m hoping this dark cloud on m life will clear up by December.

Oh! Speaking of December, I’ve been doing research on driver’s ed and I’m hoping to do my drivers ed stuff throughout December.

Well, I need to start leaving so I’m gonna finish of this entry.

Thanks for reading!

Rebounding From My Prior Failure

*audible sigh*

Sorry.

I was so excited for this month. I wanted to do so well and I had so many great plans, but here I am.

Behind.

As usual.

So, I’m gonna try to fix this grave failure on my part.

I don’t really know how I’ll go about doing that, but I know that I plan on reaching all of my goals that I haven’t already failed at.

That’s scary for me.

I have to really do a good rebound back into normal life and my attempts at being exceptional in order to make up for my losses in so far.

Ok.

Let’s start out by writing this blog post.

I haven’t blogged in a few days and it’s pretty upsetting.

I’m a creature of habit so as a general rule, if I give myself a day to wallow in bed and do next to nothing I tend to turn that day into a week. I’m pretty prone to getting far too comfortable with defeat. I have a very obvious defeatist mindset, and it doesn’t tend to lend to things working out in my favor.

I guess since I haven’t done so great at working toward some of my more tangible goals this month, I’ll come up with a new goal.

This goal is: be less of a defeatist.

So I’m gonna try to manifest this by doing things even when a loud part of me tells me it’s not worth it. My inner voice often will yell at me that if I can’t get x reward from my effort, I might as well not even try to work toward anything. We’re gonna yell back this month I suppose.

The weird thing about blogging is that I find, when I don’t blog for a while I get worse at blogging. I guess it’s like exercising where if you go for a while without exercising you get far more sore upon going back to working out.

These past roughly 2 weeks have been pretty stifling. *By stifling I of course mean that I stifled my own progress. I haven’t been quite as focused on my studies, my online presence, or my personal progression (i.e stretching, working on my vocals). I have written in my goals journal, however, that balance will be my focus from here on.

  • I’m gonna try to schedule my days in advance upon learning my obligations (for example work hours and errands)
  • I’m gonna try to journal and track my lifestyle more than I have for the past few weeks.
  • I’m gonna complete every task on my daily to-do list every day for the rest of this month.
  • I’m gonna visualize my future with every action I take, because I know that what I do will help me reach my dreams.
  • I’m gonna force myself up when I’m down
  • I can’t think of anything else

Well… We’ll see how this works out.

Thanks for reading.

Please Help Peanut

I never thought I’d have to beg for money on the internet, but Peanut needs this.

Peanut really needs surgery on her hip and neither my mother nor I have the funds to help her.

If you can donate even 1 dollar to help her, that would mean the world to me.

Thank you so much for even looking at this post!

Here’s the link to the gofundme: https://www.gofundme.com/6zfra-save-my-dog&rcid=r01-154160765833-7fc9fc3ffda54e62&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_w

My Plan for Winter

It feels like this blog is just gonna become a compilation of me complaining about how I’m dissatisfied with my life.

I just want everything in my life to go well but it feels like that won’t be happening.

So.

Let’s discuss the plan.

Yesterday I spent a while in an existential state of discomfort because I remembered that death is inevitable so at some point I’ll have to do something so I don’t die a nobody.

As I always do, I made a to do list.

The plan lasts over the course of the rest of 2018 and the entirety of 2019.

I won’t give out details because I keep my tricks secret, but I’ll tell you the plan for November.

Since my work schedule will be increasing in hours, I’m gonna probably lose sleep for the sake of this but essentially:

  • blog daily
  • post on instagram daily
  • follow my tumblr post schedule (that I set up in September and have yet to follow)
  • Stream on Twitch at least 4 times a week
  • promo promo promo
  • take as many photos as possible (even if it’s a photo of grass, blog posts with photos get more reads)
  • study 1 hour every day

I sang on Twitch yesterday and was very pleasantly surprised that people thought I was good at all. My next big purchase will be a sufficient microphone so that I can record higher quality audio of my voice because it turns out I’m not the least talented person on earth.

The ultimate dream is to make a career out of singing (my plan is basically to replicate Troye Sivan but not make Troye Sivan-esque music), so November is basically a month to try to build an audience to want to listen to me.

I don’t know if you’ve heard a lot about how Destiny’s Child trained, but I’ll give you a basic idea of it.

In the summer, Matthew Knowles would put the girls through “summer camp” where they would do things like jog while singing (to increase their lung capacity), dance for hours, diet (this one is only a rumor), and take long voice lessons.

I want to do a “summer camp” for myself.

I’ve decided my “summer camp” will be from November to the beginning of January.

I’m not only going to be putting a lot of effort into my planned endeavors, I’ll also be putting a lot of effort into things like the health of my hair and remembering to take vitamins, and pushing myself further in my stretches. Daily things that can build up, you know?

I’m gonna be better.

I’m gonna be the best at something.

I’m gonna sound like less of a crazy person. (that’s the comedic relief if you didn’t catch on)

Ok.

I’ll keep you updated on my self improvement hopefully.

I have to go to work in 2 hours and I need to shower so I should do that now so my hair will be even the slightest bit dry by the time I’m at work, so I’ll leave you right now.