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The Case For Vapidity

I love photo editing apps with a sticker function like line camera, picsart, and rakuga cute.

I know a lot of people find the sticker thing to be really tacky but I don’t care one bit because I think they’re cute.

So here’s some pictures of me with stickers on them ♡

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So, now that people have clicked out of this post for it being vapid or useless, let’s talk.

I wish people wouldn’t be unnecessarily critical toward people who have supposedly vapid interests.

This came to the forefront of my ind today as I’ve been looking at chess resources and chess news since I’m beginning my journey to become a chess player. People regard chess as an ultimate sport of the mind and as a completely non-frivolous endeavor. Why is that? If we think about it hard enough, chess is first and foremost a game. A game mainly played by the privileged. A game mainly played by the privileged with a community that is crawling with sexists, ableists, and people who look down on the “lower classes”.

Note that I don’t blame chess for these issues, I blame the community.

I was hoping to find a nice, intellectual community when I took a foray into a chess.com forum and boy was I wrong. People on that website are aggressive, quick to criticize, and rarely quick to disown racists and sexists in their community (in my experience).

Again, chess.com is not a proper sample of the entire chess community and I am not blaming the game or even the majority of players for the actions of anonymous dorks on forums.

I have discussed my appreciation for the “silly” many times on this blog.

I love:

  • taking pictures of myself
  • tiny dogs
  • stickers
  • pastel colors
  • makeup
  • stuffed animals
  • skincare
  • disney
  • lip gloss
  • doing hair
  • cooking
  • escapism
  • (tasteful) glitter
  • fashion
  • stationary
  • etc etc

and I will not allow others to dissuade me from my interests.

Anymore.

For a large period of my life, I’ve found myself shunning things that I truly like so that I won’t be seen as a bimbo, vain, stupid, or worthless in serious discussion. I’m sick of it!

Let me tell you a story.

When I took AP Music Theory at my second school of that year, I felt pretty ostracized. With the exception of a few friends in the class and one neutral dude, the class was populated by a judgmental clique. When I would raise my hand they would roll their eyes, I even heard one say “here we go again” one time. I would get stares when I wore my favorite outfits as though it’s a crime to not wear jeans and a sweatshirt every day like they did. They would laugh as I spoke.

You wanna know something funny though?

My teacher liked me, I got great grades in the class, and I ended up getting a 3 out of 5 on the AP exam (a score many of them failed to reach).

After that class and the drama that defined it for me, I decided to be a bit more shameless when it comes to doing what I like. For the next year or so I was slightly more shameless but there was still a lingering terror that hung above my head at the idea of dressing 100% the way I like or talking openly about my more vapid interests.

I love my blog but I think I’ve failed to truly express the more vacuous side of my nature. I think I’m in a period of transition.

I like having a place to be shameless.

I like encouraging others to live shamelessly.

I am so thankful to those who have told me I inspire them to blog!

So I will be a bit more me from here on.

And that includes stickers.

thank you for reading!

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Just Answer the Question!

As you may know I work at a clothing store.

Yesterday a customer came in and she pissed me all the way off.

She came in with 3 other people to get a gift for her sisters birthday. She asked me to get items off of mannequins, she complained about the lack of shoes in certain sizes, and all of that wouldv’e been fine had she not done what she did when I was ringing up her items.

In the system our register uses we have to ask if the customer wants a gift receipt before the regular receipt will print. Of course I could just press no and print the receipt but I don’t want to deny anyone of a gift receipt that they may want so I always ask.

As I was scanning her items she seemed really annoyed and every time I would speak she would cringe. I guess I have an annoying voice to her. So as she was staring at anything but me I finally built up the courage to say "would you like a gift receipt?" 

She asked me "Why?"

What kind of answer is that!?

I said "You're buying your sister a gift, would you like a gift receipt?"

She stared at me for a solid 8 seconds before saying, "Yes, I'm buying a gift but why would you ask me that?" As though she was offended!

Her son who seemed to be embarassed by his mothers obtuseness leaned in and said "Mom, it's a yes or no question."

She doubled down and said "I know that but it's her size and she'll like it so why would she ask me about a gift receipt?"

I wanted to scream at her "I DON'T KNOW YOUR SISTER! SAY YES OR NO!" but I'm the most weak person to ever live so I said "Ma'am is that a no?" 

She rolled her eyes and said "Of course not" and then mumbled to herself "What's she talking about a gift receipt for".

I was so livid that I wanted to just throw the dress at her but I'm amazing at my job so I pressed no on the cash register and asked her a final question: "would you like you receipt in the bag?"

I prayed on the inside that she wouldn't say something stupid but she replied "Give me the receipt so I can make sure you didn't mess it up!" and tore it out of my hand!

aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

So I kept my cool and just gave her her bag and said "thank you have a nice day."

She rolled her eyes and walked out with her husband, her son, and whatever the lady she brought with her was. As she walked out I heard her husband say "you were too hard on her" and she responded "shut up."

How rude can you get!

I’m still mad and I needed to vent.

If you’ve ever worked customer service tell me a time you got pissed. I’d love to hear.

Thanks for reading!

day in the life

My Day

Today has been a little productive and very photography oriented.

I woke up at about 6:45 so I could take out the trash. Today the trash men came at 8:00. I wish they were more consistent with the time they come to get the trash because sometimes they arrive at 11:00, sometimes 14:00, sometimes 7:30. But I don’t want to be too critical because I’m thankful that they remove the garbage from my life.

I then went to sit and wait for an idea to come to mind when my mom asked me to edit a photo of her dog Posh. The edit turned out looking cheesy, so I offered her to take some pictures of Posh and Samoa in front of my photography backdrop.

This would lead to the one and only piece of drama in my day.

After eating breakfast, I got to setting up my photography rig and got the dog to the room where my stuff was. Posh mush be afraid of the white fabric because she refused to stand up. She laid down, she sat, she ran off of the backdrop. Samoa also wouldn’t stand (do they hate white?) but he was less stiff. After about 35 minutes of wrestling 2 french bulldogs, I ended up with these photos.

 

After that, I figured since I already was taking pictures, I might as well take some pictures of myself.

If you haven’t seen my most recent youtube video, you may not know that I’ve finally made a rig to take pictures of myself with my shutter button so as to get wider self shots.

I got a lot of good pictures which is pretty rare. Normally I’ll take about 400 shots and end up with about 4 good ones. Today I took 200 and ended up with 30 good pictures!

I’m not gonna post all 30 but here’s a good amount of them! (they’re big so just scroll hard if you don’t wanna look at me)

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shutter button + timer = cheesy pose central!
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so cheesy!
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I look like I expect something. (it’s attention)
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I just wanna show you my shoes honestly. They’re tough to put on so if I wear them, people need to see them. But you can see my general outfit as well.

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i try to pose with props so my pictures aren’t so boring but it normally looks unnatural. This one doesn’t though! (don’t tell me it looks unnatural please, thanks)
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I accidentally pressed the button while checking the focus
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Did you think I was done with my cheesy poses?

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See? Unnatural.
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I think this is the best showcase of my face from today.

 

After my photo frenzy, I studied Swahili for about an hour because I’ve been neglecting that language for a bit too long.

Since studying, I edited my photos and did a load of laundry.

I really need to write in my language log today. I haven’t written in it for like 10 days! Terrible!

I think tomorrow I’m gonna try to get some great pictures of Peanut, Poptart, and Maddie. They’re a lot better at posing than Samoa and Posh.

Thanks for reading!

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Taking My Youtube Channel in a New Direction

So, if you don’t know, I have a youtube channel where I’ve been posting study with me’s and language learning tips. I like the content on my channel so far, but I want my youtube channel to be even more of an extension of myself and a new avenue for my self expression.

So today is the first day of the rest of my life I guess.

I made a video introducing myself and it’s a bit more off the cuff and less polished than my past videos.

If you’re one of my 5 dedicated subscribers, don’t worry I’ll still post studying related content. There will just be other things alongside it.

Here’s my newest video:

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A Look at 13 Year Old Me

I found an old SD card from when I was in 8th grade recently.

I only got the courage to look at the files on it today and wow…

I was annoying.

I’m not going to pretend that I’m a completely non-annoying person nowadays because I honestly annoy myself sometimes but whew!

I feel bad for everyone that spent time around me at that age.

I guess since I love embarassing myself, I’ll show you some of the astounding photos I took in 2013 (photos and videos with others in them are excluded but trust me those photos are awful too).

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I thought taking blurry photos was the height of comedy (i still kinda do)
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take note of the deep side part
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does every girl have a colored mascara phase?
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I really wasn’t as ugly as I thought I was
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This was my instagram profile photo for over a year.
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I think N.O from BTS is playing on the laptop in the background… (I still like that song)
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and in this one Voodoo Doll from VIXX is on in the background (no regrets, still holds up)
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This was the first photo I ever uploaded to tumblr… Don’t try to find it on there, I deleted that blog

I think someday I’m gonna look back at the way I am now and feel the same gut wrenching horror that I feel when I look through this SD card today, but that’s not gonna stop me from being me for now.

It kinda makes me uncomfortable to see the similarities between 13 year old me and 18 year old me (i.e an undying love of eyeliner and a habit of taking a lot of pictures of myself).

It also makes me sad to be reminded of my mental state during this phase. I remember always feeling like I was reaching for something that I could never grasp. I still feel that way really often. At this age and throughout high school, I felt like I was constantly getting close to getting the approval that I so desperately craved, but it would never come in full. I was the understudy. I was in the background. I was around in case something bad happened to the people that mattered.

I don’t think these feelings of inadequacy will ever go away but at least my braces did.

So thanks for walking down this horrible, unpaved memory lane with me. I hope my braces didn’t gross you out.

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Memoirs of an Attention Seeker

If I’m being honest, my favorite thing in the world is attention and my favorite thing about my blog is getting attention from it. I love the validation I get from views and likes and comments. Recently, however, my blog hasn’t been getting the amount of views I want and I know it’s because my content isn’t great lately, but I still just wanna shout from the rooftops “read my blog! read my blog! look at me! pay attention!”.

I feel like right now my attempts at gaining an online following are a last ditch effort to achieve my ultimate dream of being famous because I think I’ve missed any opportunity to get what I want organically. I wish I was more assertive when I was a kid about doing auditions and taking dance classes and stuff like that because I feel like I’m miles and miles behind where I should be.

People always talk about how I would’ve hated being a child star but I can’t imagine I would’ve hated it any more that I hated the childhood I had. I felt like I didn’t even exist for my entire adolescence and I’d probably prefer to have felt like I at least mattered.

And as I write this post I can feel the judgement of others coming in that I shouldn’t be so attention seeking and I shouldn’t feel like fame is a good goal and “well *insert celebrity* got famous at 35!” but I want attention now!

It sucks to feel like you don’t matter!

It feels like nobody gives one single f*ck about what I have to say or what I can do!

Not to be conceited but I’m talented and my personality is effervescent!

I feel like 1/3 of my posts end with some resolution about how I’m gonna work even harder and I’m gonna do x y and z to get my goals, but for f*cks sake! I’m gonna get what I want!

I feel like I have no accomplishments and I wanna say that I’m a winner for once. Is that too much to ask?

When I did theater and stuff I felt like I never got any praise and shine and godd*mn it I’m gonna get some d*mn praise!

I always feel like it’s the wrong time to do things and you know what? It’s never gonna be a good time to do anything so I’m gonna be a shameless attention seeker until I get followed by paparazzi.

I hate it when celebrities complain about having no privacy or getting asked for autographs because you know what?

I’d give up just about everything in my life for what they have.

How ungrateful do you have to be to get upset that you’re getting too much attention?

Whatever, I’m gonna be dedicating at least one hour a day from here on to promoting myself and you’re gonna watch me blow up.

So here’s the dumb resolution ending for this post.

I’m gonna be absolutely shameless about promoting myself, I’m gonna be super cunning to get what I want, I’m gonna stop worrying about being called an attention seeker because guess what? That’s exactly what I am.

I don’t necessarily believe in the law of attraction but I think if I say something enough times and I really place all of my focus into something it will hopefully happen. I’m gonna speak it into existence. If you’re reading now, you’ll have the privilege of saying that you know what I was thinking before I made my big break, and when I walk my first red carpet you’ll be able to look at me and say “wow, she really did that.”

So let’s list some things I’m gonna do in my lifetime.

I’m gonna walk the red carpet at the met gala.

I’m gonna have my wedding talked about in tabloids.

I’m gonna get interviewed by Stephen Colbert.

I’m gonna be in Vogue.

I’m gonna be on a japanese variety show.

I’m gonna be the face of a clothing company.

I’m gonna have a concert in the Staples Center.

I’m gonna meet Beyonce.

There’s gonna be a twitter account dedicated to outfits I wear.

I’m gonna be a designers muse.

I’m gonna meet BTS.

People will praise me for my work ethic.

I’ll surprise everyone with my language skills.

I’m gonna stay at the Grand Floridian.

People will love my personality alongside my talent.

So someday, I expect this post to be brought up and people will say “I can’t believe she spoke all that into existence, I’m gonna do it too”.

And I’m gonna be an inspiration.

 

So I guess now I should say if you wanna see someone ruthlessly do what it takes to get their shine and you wanna hear about the inner workings of me, an attention wh*re, please follow and support my blog! Recommend it to your friends! I’m really interesting when I don’t have writers block, I swear!

I also have a ton of other social media linked on my website so please follow me on those as well because you’re gonna see bigger and better things from me!

 

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I Fixed My Google Photos, Here’s Some Pictures

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the old lady
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I took this the day before I got pneumonia
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My bruise from getting blood drawn
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wink
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I took this the day Mel died and it makes me sad to look at 😦
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one of my favorite things is seeing the moon in the morning
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samoa taking a break from being mean
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this is my first time taking a picture of myself in a car  I think
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This is probably gonna get uploaded to my instagram too
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insert caption here

and the piece de resistance…

 

 

I’ve always wanted to take a picture of myself sneezing and I finally did it.

day in the life

Day in the Life: September 7th, 2018

I bet you thought I might not post today.

Of course I will! I’m not a loser, I keep my promises (for the most part).

Today I’m just gonna tell you what happened in my day, ok?

I woke up 30 minutes after my alarm went off because for once in my life I snoozed. I never tend to hit snooze, I normally will just give up and decide to sleep till whenever if I don’t wanna wake up with my alarm. But today was an exception to my rule and I hit snooze 3 times.

I woke up late and then I decided to laze around in the living room for a while until it became time to go to work.

I ate some oatmeal with peanut butter for breakfast and then I got ready for work.

I got ready and my eye makeup turned out really bright. Normally warm toned eyeshadows disappear into my skin but I got a new eyeshadow palette and it turned out red. I like how it looks though, it just surprised me.

It worked out though because my eyeshadow turned out the same color as the embroidery on my shirt. I wore a white shirt with red and orange embroidered flowers and a pair of white jeans with my brown thigh high boots. Remember that i wore white jeans.

Once I got to work I was immediately put onto the sales floor while the assistant manager was putting security tags onto the new arrivals in the back store room. I helped a lot of customers today, and I’m pretty sure I exceeded my ales goals so that’s cool.

I took my break at about 2:00pm and when I went to the restroom I made a wonderful discovery.

I started my period.

The worst thing about my birth control implant is that I get surprise spotting whenever y body decides rather than a predictable menstrual cycle.

So since I switched out my bag in the morning, of course I didn’t have any pads on my person so i wrapped my panties in toilet paper and finished my break then went back to work.

The rest of my day at work was pretty uneventful, and I went home after.

I still don’t feel wonderful because my antibiotics still make my stomach hurt and I’m pretty drained from my recovering from illness.

My mom and I went to the bank to deposit some money as well, pretty average time with that.

Now, I just ate dinner and I think I’m gonna go to sleep early in hopes that I’ll have a decent amount of energy tomorrow for my long shift.

Oh, you know what else?

I just got a flash flood warning on my phone so that’s cool.

Hopefully no damage will be brought onto my area.

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a second post

This is another post where I’m just gonna ramble until I reach I stopping point.

I got a job yesterday! I’m not gonna reveal a ton of detail because I don’t want to reveal too much about my real life and I don’t want any harm to come to my job but I’m so excited!

Today’s my mom’s birthday too so I should probably say happy birthday to her here so…

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!

 

I wanna start a travelers notebook so today I began my TN journey because at the craft store, TN inserts were $1.99 for 2! That’s so cheap!!!!

In my  travelers notebook I plan to have a sketchbook, notes, and distilled language notes so I can always have what I need. I really wanna improve my drawing skills so I think a sketchbook in the TN would help me be motivated to work on improving.

Hmm… what else to talk about…

oh, I don’t know if I talked about this before but I filled up my old bullet journal and I started a new one. I’ve decided that this bullet journal will be more artistic and more freeform rather than my boxy methodical style in my last bullet journal.

I changed up my habit tracker a little as well, adding a few new habits (network, wake up before 7:00) and now I fill in the boxes with diagonal lines rather than flat color.

I think today I should focus hard on studying so that I can be sure I’ve gotten in my time before I start my job. So excited!

 

day in the life

Day in the Life: August 8th, 2018

Today my day began at midnight. I suppose everybody’s day begins at midnight but mine began with my mom calling me to her room.

She found a bunch of things in a box including my favorite toy from when I was little. A purple penguin bath toy.

 

I wish I could remember the name I gave him, but I can’t.

After reminiscing with my mom for a while I eventually went to my bed and fell asleep at 1AM.

When I woke up at 8, I felt that today would be a productive day so after a few minutes of waking up I put on my exercise gear and spent a few minutes on the exercise bike to warm up for my daily stretches.

I got in a very satisfying stretch and I did a pretty good meditation session.
By that time it was time for breakfast and I decided I would take today to perfect my vegan french toast recipe.

I’ve finally created a good and easy french toast recipe and I’ll be posting it tomorrow!

I ate my astounding breakfast (if i do say so myself) and then went to the desk to study.

I studied Korean and Mandarin for about an hour total and then i started to get ready to go out of town to see my psychiatrist.

I got ready early so that I would have time to take pictures of myself:

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she no want my kiss 😦

 

I then went to the psychiatrist (1 hour drive each way and a 1 hour appointment, 3 hour ordeal).

I plan on eating dinner in an hour and a half and I’m probably gonna study/journal until then.

Now i’m writing this post… pretty boring day when I write it out.

It felt like more when it happened.

I think I’ll post my stretching routine and some meditation tips some time soon, I think I’ve got something to say on those topics.