BKchat, tumblr, and incels

I have no idea where this post is gonna go, but I’m going to write anyway. I think I’m gonna write one paragraph about whatever comes to mind until I feel satisfied.

I just got off work, which is super great. I strongly prefer the days when I work early and leave early over days where I show up later and close the store.

Yesterday I took a lot of photos. I photographed Posh and Samoa, Maddie, and myself. I’m still in the process of editing them though, so you guys will see them some time in the near future.

Recently I’ve really enjoyed a show called bkchat london. I often saw people on twitter talk about stuff the people on bkchat said and I never felt particularly compelled to spend like an hour listening to people debate about relatively simple (in my eyes) subjects. But I watched an episode the other day and realized the show is actually pretty interesting (although I wish the cast wouldn’t yell over each other every 25 seconds). It’s interesting to hear people who have views that I’d never even thought people had.

We got Marshmallows ashes yesterday. It’s weird, I thought I was pretty well recovered, but I guess I’m not. The second I took out the urn, I started sobbing. I just feel really  bad. I miss him a lot.

I’m still figuring out college stuff. I have to do financial aid online paperwork stuff… Not enthused.

Have y’all heard about how tumblr is banning adult content? I’m worried they may start hunting down anyone who posts anything nsfw (i.e discussions of sexual assault). When the news came out, a lot of people started passing around an article about how a lot of women discover and prefer viewing p*rn on tumblr. I think it’s odd that people have taken this information and used it as a gotcha to tumblr that they shouldn’t ban adult content so women can watch p*rn. I don’t wanna sound like a prude but… If tumblr has to ban all adult content so that there won’t be as big of a child p*rnography problem, I value the safety of children 5000 times more than the feelings of women who use tumblr to get off.

Have you guys also heard about all the incel dudes reporting s*x workers with premium snapchats to the IRS? That’s so odd to me. I don’t want to entirely reveal my stance because I don’t want people to say “oh so you have s*x workers?” because that’s what I’ve seen a lot of super liberal feminists say when anyone offers the slightest bit of criticism toward the s*x industry. What I will say is that I’m not particularly fond of the majority of the s*x industry, but just because you may think “p*rn is bad” or that you’re bitter about pretty women not talking to you, you don’t need to try to ruin people’s lives. ugh.

This post really meanders, doesn’t it?

Tomorrow I have a psychiatrist appointment. I’m excited to get out. It’ feels like for the past month I’ve gone to work, come home, and maybe if I’m feeling wild I’ll go to the grocery store. I wouldn’t say I’m a homebody or a person who needs to constantly be out and about, but I really do enjoy the occasional outing.

ok. I’m gonna go now, I need to study.

Thanks for reading.

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Good Day

Today is so far going according to plan.

I tend to be pretty hesitant of coming up with a time table for my days because things don’t always go according to plan and I believe that the secret to good planning is having contingencies.

Today has had contingencies, but they’re great contingencies!

My big idea for today was to do laundry, study for 3 hours, finally put batteries in my computer mouse, make next weeks bullet journal spread, and take a- as I call it- full shower (a full shower is a shower where I not only do normal shower stuff but also do my less frequent body care stuff like putting on a body mask, dry brushing, doing a hair mask etc etc).

So far I’ve done 2 loads of laundry, studied for 2 and a half hours (I’m on a break as I write this), put batteries in my mouse, and (don’t gasp too loud) cleaned my room. (!!!!!!!!!!!)

My room isn’t as clean as I’d like it to be, but it’s far cleaner than it was so I’m happy.

I’ve decided that over the course of this month I want to do 1 cleaning project on each (or most) of my days off work.

My mom and I are going to go out of town toward the end of December, so I want Angel who’s petsitting to not be mortified.

I’m in a shockingly good mood right now, it’s honestly kind of concerning.

Tomorrow my mom’s gonna get Marshmallow’s ashes…

I don’t know how I’ll react when I get them.

I have a little urn necklace and I have someone who’s willing to put some of the ashes in it for me, so I’ve been able to save myself the grief of that. I think actually seeing the ashes themselves would have ruined me.

God I miss Mel.

I’ve been thinking quite a bit lately about rabbits. Marshmallow really made me love the species. I was so scared that he’d be impersonal, but he turned out to be so affectionate and full of personality traits that just don’t come to mind when most people think of rabbits.

And so…

I’m thinking I’ll adopt another rabbit a little while after I’m settled in to college.

I don’t want to replace Mel, but I just really miss the presence of a herbivore in the home.

I sound like a crazy person when I talk about this; but I really, truly believe that I have a “spiritual” connection with herbivorous animals in general, especially rabbits and cattle. I don’t love to use the word spiritual because I personally associate it with hippy-dippy nonsense, but I can’t think of a less hippy-ish way of saying how I feel. I think herbivores and I just get each other. Like, I remember when my mom and I went to Custer State Park in South Dakota, people were tossing carrots toward the prairie dogs to try to get them to come closer, they just approached me. I think that was an awakening for me.

Since my prairie dog moment, I’ve noticed that all sort of animals like squirrels and such seem to be less tense around me.

I think I have a gift.

Some people have a thick skin, some people have super model proportions, I connect with herbivorous animals.

So who’s the real winner here?

the answer is me

Alright, I’ve gotta get back to studying so I’m headed out.

Thanks for reading!

♡♡♡♡♡

oh! and I realized recently that I haven’t posted any new photos of myself on my blog for quite a while so here’s a picture of me:

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ugh

I really feel a need to write a post right now but I don’t have a topic in mind.

I kinda just want to end November on a good note.

I don’t know if this is a problem for other bloggers but with the new wordpress editor, I have a really tough time publishing entries and saving drafts.

It feels like every time I want to do anything, I’m met with an “updating failed” notification.

But I don’t want to dwell on that too much.

Today I finished my mandarin textbook!

I’m really proud of myself.

I’m trying to better incorporate studying into my life with work and stuff. I was really on a roll in spring and summer but it feels like I’ve stagnated across the board since about October. It even feels like my Korean ability has declined! UUUUUUUUUGH

I’m quite worried about how beginning college will affect my lifestyle.

I really don’t want to start college and become- for lack of a better word- worse.

I don’t want to be mean but I know a lot of people in college right now and they’ve taken up drug/alcohol/vaping habits or they seem to have made campus life their livelihood.

I may sound pompous when I say this, but I’ve always considered myself to be above my surroundings.

Not that I think I’m above my peers or something, but I think there’s far more to me than my job or whatever. And I’m certain that most people feel the same way, but I’m scared for myself.

It’s probably a rare fear to think that pursuing “higher education” could drag you down, but that’s what my mind says.

I don’t want the next 4 years of my life to be a time of no improvement. I’m sure there will be personal growth for myself and I’m sure big things will happen to me, but I would personally like to exit college with something to do.

I know it’s a bit of a downer, but nowadays a lot of people exit college and have to go right back into minimum wage labor.

God, I’m so scared.

It feels like every time I do something in regards to college, I regret it about 14 hours later.

I’m scared that at my orientation I’m gonna just burst into tears the second anybody asks me a question.

I’m going to bed.

You know what?

No I’m not.

This new wordpress editor is awful!

I can’t publish anything!

I have had to copy and paste entire posts multiple times into the old editor just so they’ll publish on my blog. The new editor doesn’t even do it’s most basic job.

I’m very pissed off.

Leaving now.

The Case For Vapidity

I love photo editing apps with a sticker function like line camera, picsart, and rakuga cute.

I know a lot of people find the sticker thing to be really tacky but I don’t care one bit because I think they’re cute.

So here’s some pictures of me with stickers on them ♡

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So, now that people have clicked out of this post for it being vapid or useless, let’s talk.

I wish people wouldn’t be unnecessarily critical toward people who have supposedly vapid interests.

This came to the forefront of my ind today as I’ve been looking at chess resources and chess news since I’m beginning my journey to become a chess player. People regard chess as an ultimate sport of the mind and as a completely non-frivolous endeavor. Why is that? If we think about it hard enough, chess is first and foremost a game. A game mainly played by the privileged. A game mainly played by the privileged with a community that is crawling with sexists, ableists, and people who look down on the “lower classes”.

Note that I don’t blame chess for these issues, I blame the community.

I was hoping to find a nice, intellectual community when I took a foray into a chess.com forum and boy was I wrong. People on that website are aggressive, quick to criticize, and rarely quick to disown racists and sexists in their community (in my experience).

Again, chess.com is not a proper sample of the entire chess community and I am not blaming the game or even the majority of players for the actions of anonymous dorks on forums.

I have discussed my appreciation for the “silly” many times on this blog.

I love:

  • taking pictures of myself
  • tiny dogs
  • stickers
  • pastel colors
  • makeup
  • stuffed animals
  • skincare
  • disney
  • lip gloss
  • doing hair
  • cooking
  • escapism
  • (tasteful) glitter
  • fashion
  • stationary
  • etc etc

and I will not allow others to dissuade me from my interests.

Anymore.

For a large period of my life, I’ve found myself shunning things that I truly like so that I won’t be seen as a bimbo, vain, stupid, or worthless in serious discussion. I’m sick of it!

Let me tell you a story.

When I took AP Music Theory at my second school of that year, I felt pretty ostracized. With the exception of a few friends in the class and one neutral dude, the class was populated by a judgmental clique. When I would raise my hand they would roll their eyes, I even heard one say “here we go again” one time. I would get stares when I wore my favorite outfits as though it’s a crime to not wear jeans and a sweatshirt every day like they did. They would laugh as I spoke.

You wanna know something funny though?

My teacher liked me, I got great grades in the class, and I ended up getting a 3 out of 5 on the AP exam (a score many of them failed to reach).

After that class and the drama that defined it for me, I decided to be a bit more shameless when it comes to doing what I like. For the next year or so I was slightly more shameless but there was still a lingering terror that hung above my head at the idea of dressing 100% the way I like or talking openly about my more vapid interests.

I love my blog but I think I’ve failed to truly express the more vacuous side of my nature. I think I’m in a period of transition.

I like having a place to be shameless.

I like encouraging others to live shamelessly.

I am so thankful to those who have told me I inspire them to blog!

So I will be a bit more me from here on.

And that includes stickers.

thank you for reading!

Just Answer the Question!

As you may know I work at a clothing store.

Yesterday a customer came in and she pissed me all the way off.

She came in with 3 other people to get a gift for her sisters birthday. She asked me to get items off of mannequins, she complained about the lack of shoes in certain sizes, and all of that wouldv’e been fine had she not done what she did when I was ringing up her items.

In the system our register uses we have to ask if the customer wants a gift receipt before the regular receipt will print. Of course I could just press no and print the receipt but I don’t want to deny anyone of a gift receipt that they may want so I always ask.

As I was scanning her items she seemed really annoyed and every time I would speak she would cringe. I guess I have an annoying voice to her. So as she was staring at anything but me I finally built up the courage to say "would you like a gift receipt?" 

She asked me "Why?"

What kind of answer is that!?

I said "You're buying your sister a gift, would you like a gift receipt?"

She stared at me for a solid 8 seconds before saying, "Yes, I'm buying a gift but why would you ask me that?" As though she was offended!

Her son who seemed to be embarassed by his mothers obtuseness leaned in and said "Mom, it's a yes or no question."

She doubled down and said "I know that but it's her size and she'll like it so why would she ask me about a gift receipt?"

I wanted to scream at her "I DON'T KNOW YOUR SISTER! SAY YES OR NO!" but I'm the most weak person to ever live so I said "Ma'am is that a no?" 

She rolled her eyes and said "Of course not" and then mumbled to herself "What's she talking about a gift receipt for".

I was so livid that I wanted to just throw the dress at her but I'm amazing at my job so I pressed no on the cash register and asked her a final question: "would you like you receipt in the bag?"

I prayed on the inside that she wouldn't say something stupid but she replied "Give me the receipt so I can make sure you didn't mess it up!" and tore it out of my hand!

aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

So I kept my cool and just gave her her bag and said "thank you have a nice day."

She rolled her eyes and walked out with her husband, her son, and whatever the lady she brought with her was. As she walked out I heard her husband say "you were too hard on her" and she responded "shut up."

How rude can you get!

I’m still mad and I needed to vent.

If you’ve ever worked customer service tell me a time you got pissed. I’d love to hear.

Thanks for reading!

My Day

Today has been a little productive and very photography oriented.

I woke up at about 6:45 so I could take out the trash. Today the trash men came at 8:00. I wish they were more consistent with the time they come to get the trash because sometimes they arrive at 11:00, sometimes 14:00, sometimes 7:30. But I don’t want to be too critical because I’m thankful that they remove the garbage from my life.

I then went to sit and wait for an idea to come to mind when my mom asked me to edit a photo of her dog Posh. The edit turned out looking cheesy, so I offered her to take some pictures of Posh and Samoa in front of my photography backdrop.

This would lead to the one and only piece of drama in my day.

After eating breakfast, I got to setting up my photography rig and got the dog to the room where my stuff was. Posh mush be afraid of the white fabric because she refused to stand up. She laid down, she sat, she ran off of the backdrop. Samoa also wouldn’t stand (do they hate white?) but he was less stiff. After about 35 minutes of wrestling 2 french bulldogs, I ended up with these photos.

 

After that, I figured since I already was taking pictures, I might as well take some pictures of myself.

If you haven’t seen my most recent youtube video, you may not know that I’ve finally made a rig to take pictures of myself with my shutter button so as to get wider self shots.

I got a lot of good pictures which is pretty rare. Normally I’ll take about 400 shots and end up with about 4 good ones. Today I took 200 and ended up with 30 good pictures!

I’m not gonna post all 30 but here’s a good amount of them! (they’re big so just scroll hard if you don’t wanna look at me)

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shutter button + timer = cheesy pose central!

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so cheesy!

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I look like I expect something. (it’s attention)

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I just wanna show you my shoes honestly. They’re tough to put on so if I wear them, people need to see them. But you can see my general outfit as well.

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i try to pose with props so my pictures aren’t so boring but it normally looks unnatural. This one doesn’t though! (don’t tell me it looks unnatural please, thanks)

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I accidentally pressed the button while checking the focus

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Did you think I was done with my cheesy poses?

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See? Unnatural.

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I think this is the best showcase of my face from today.

 

After my photo frenzy, I studied Swahili for about an hour because I’ve been neglecting that language for a bit too long.

Since studying, I edited my photos and did a load of laundry.

I really need to write in my language log today. I haven’t written in it for like 10 days! Terrible!

I think tomorrow I’m gonna try to get some great pictures of Peanut, Poptart, and Maddie. They’re a lot better at posing than Samoa and Posh.

Thanks for reading!

Taking My Youtube Channel in a New Direction

So, if you don’t know, I have a youtube channel where I’ve been posting study with me’s and language learning tips. I like the content on my channel so far, but I want my youtube channel to be even more of an extension of myself and a new avenue for my self expression.

So today is the first day of the rest of my life I guess.

I made a video introducing myself and it’s a bit more off the cuff and less polished than my past videos.

If you’re one of my 5 dedicated subscribers, don’t worry I’ll still post studying related content. There will just be other things alongside it.

Here’s my newest video: