Morning Pages: November 29th, 2018

I haven’t written morning pages in probably over a month.

I have some things to talk about.

Thing 1.

I do not like the new wordpress text editor one bit. 

I like that it’s easier to add stuff like audio to a post and I like the color settings, but… pretty much everything else is not great.

I’ve had 2 experiences where I save a draft and exit the editor to do something else only for my draft to be deleted. I can’t figure out how to add tags to posts. It’s really hard to click back to type in a past sentence.

I just don’t like it.

But it’s prettier.

I think it’s more for business people than bloggers.

Thing 2.

I think I’m being taken advantage of at my job.

When I was promoted to manager I was very excited to get a raise. I wasn’t told what exact amount my raise was until like 2 weeks of managing though and I was very disappointed to find out that my raise was only 1 dollar. I may not have been so disappointed if my coworker who was promoted alongside me wasn’t given a 2.50 dollar raise. And she’s working part time while I’m full time. 

I think I’m gonna ask my boss to basically demote me. I don’t think I’m getting paid enough for the amount of work I’m doing.

This is just motivation to start working harder to make money other ways though.

Thing 3.

It feels like my life isn’t very enriched lately.

I feel like I’m constantly tired and trying to catch up with something. 

I also hate that my work is kinda ruling my life. I feel anxious to, for example, post on instagram on my days off because I don’t want my coworkers to be jealous of me. That’s really dumb and I’m trying to get over it. Trying to remind myself that none of this will matter in like 3 years so…

I’m having a really tough time writing this post.

I should have dedicated to sitting down to write it instead of going to make and eat breakfast in the middle of writing.

I think I’m gonna be done for now because I have stuff to do before I leave for work.

ugh.

I’m scheduled for 9 hours 😦

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Morning Pages: September 26th, 2018

Hello.

Wanna read 900 words of nonsense?

You’re in the right place.

I have a video uploading to youtube right now (I’ll embed it if it finishes uploading while I’m typing) and it’s kinda nonsensical. I wanna make really consistent videos on there rather than videos that don’t have any unifying factor but I also just wanna post whatever I film. It’s tough to figure out which feeling is stronger.

I kinda wanna start making beauty videos. I may start posting those in conjunction with other types of videos. I think I have some unique perspectives when it comes to stuff like hair and makeup because I rarely see people who do their hair and makeup like I do.

You know what, I’m glad I started typing this because I’ve decided that’s what I’m gonna do.

Did you guys know they sell vegan cheese at Aldi now!?

It’s really good too!

If you shop at Aldi and they have the vegan cheese in stock, I recommend you buy some. The mozzarella shreds have that bite to them that dairy mozzarella has and it’s really nice. It also gets stringy when it melts like dairy mozzarella.

I finally surpassed 300 instagram followers last night! My big goal is to reach 1000 before my next birthday (August of 2019), so it’s pretty exciting to be 3/10 of the way there.

Instagram is great. I think a lot of people are unfairly critical of social media in general, but especially instagram. In my opinion, instagram is like a magazine but you get to personally curate what you want to see. A lot of people say it gives people body dysmorphia and eating disorders, but I think that’s a super disrespectful take. People with body dysmorphia are mentally ill and so are people with eating disorders. As a person who is literally recovering from an eating disorder, I think it’s super reductive to blame an app for people experiencing eating disorders. I think maybe if we wanted to reduce the amount of eating disorder patients, we should try to focus on debunking body based stereotypes. I know a lot of my ED stuff comes from not wanting to seem lazy, tough, or manly. If we didn’t associate higher weights with negative traits like laziness and masculinity (in women, I know masculinity isn’t a bad thing) we would likely see fewer people going to unhealthy extents to lose weight.

But back to instagram.

I love being able to see what a person values in life. I think what a person put on their instagram page is very telling as to what they value. For example, I follow a friend who really values the inside jokes she shares with her friends so a lot of her posts are cryptic inside jokes. In my case, I really value aesthetics and nature so my entire feed it visually focused and my captions are particularly uninteresting. I refuse to post things on my instagram that I don’t find aesthetically pleasing whereas a lot of people will post something they may find ugly because they value it.

That’s cool!

You know what’s making me kinda sad?

Tumblr is dying out.

Why couldn’t it be reddit!?

For years, tumblr was my number one social media network and it’s depressing to see that most of the people on there now are discourse arguers and men looking for girls to send creepy messages to. I miss back when there were people who had personality based tumblrs. I don’t wanna name names because I follow a lot of the people who come to mind on twitter and they’re ashamed of their tumblr days so I won’t embarrass them. You don’t see a lot of people who’s tumblrs are about them as people anymore and that sucks. My tumblr is still like that, I post the photos I don’t think fit my instagram on there mainly and the occasional crossposted blog post.

I wish reddit would die instead of tumblr.

I don’t understand why anyone is voluntarily going on there at this point. The layout is ugly, it’s crawling with neonazis, and it’s not new user friendly (I know because I tried to give reddit a real chance recently, terrible idea). ugh.

I guess since I’m talking about social media, I’ll keep that theme.

Facebook should die with reddit.

Is that a super hot take?

It’s also got an ugly layout and is also crawling with neonazis. I mainly use facebook to keep up with my family members who don’t use other websites. I also occasionally take part in facebook group threads for bloggers and stuff like that but that doesn’t make facebook better.

Hmm… I’ve only got about 120 words left.

I’ll tell you about my plans for today.

I’m gonna try to film another video, photograph Maddie, and go to the psychiatrist. I think when I get home for the night and I feel like I’ve done everything I want to do for the day, I wanna watch Black Panther again. I adore Black Panther.

I think I should focus on Russian for my daily studies today. It’s been a few too many days since my last good Russian study session. I think in the coming few weeks I’m gonna try to get back into using memrise. I used to be a big memrise user, in fact when I was 14 it was the only way I studied for about 8 months.

ooo. we’re at 905 words.

My video is still uploading so I guess I’ll embed my youtube video in a different post. sorry 😦

Thanks for reading!

About 600 Words

Good morning.

These are my pages.

I’m gonna do a short morning page entry today because I feel like I have a lot to do today.

I’m thinking about something odd this morning.

Iceberg lettuce.

I think iceberg lettuce is the most disgusting food on the planet. There’s nothing I’ve ever eaten that disgusts me to my core in the way that iceberg lettuce does. Whenever people talk about iceberg lettuce they describe it as being mild and flavorless, but I don’t know what’s wrong with their tastebuds because for me iceberg lettuce is one of the strongest flavors on the planet. It tastes like ammonia and dental equipment. I wish restaurants would offer salads on better base greens than iceberg because it honestly dissuades me from going to restaurants because I know that it’s likely that at a lot of restaurants the only think I’m gonna be willing to eat would be a salad but then they have to ruin it by serving it on a pile of earwax leaves!

It really works me up when I go to restaurants and the only vegan option is an altered iceberg lettuce salad. I only go to restaurants a few times a year but still! Give me spinach at least!

Whatever, restaurants are too expensive anyway.

You know what else is gross and associated with salads?

Ranch dressing.

I had a short ranch dressing phase when I was like 7 years old where I really liked ranch dressing, but that ended quickly.

Ranch dressing has a gross texture and  I honestly don’t wanna eat anything that’s tart while also containing dairy. It makes me happy to see the vegan ranch dressings though because I know there are people out there who like it and it’s good to have a variety of vegan substitutes.

Posh and Samoa are being obnoxious right now.

I really wish they wouldn’t chew on stuff and drool right above my house shoes. They make me get my socks wet. They’re gross in like every way though so I shouldn’t expect anything better.

Today I’m scheduled at work for nine and a half hours. I get a break but still… nine and a half hours. I think I’d be more ok working 9 hour shifts if my schedule was consistent, but some days I only work 3 hours.

I hope today’s a busy day at work because I’d much rather be spread thin than feel like I have nothing to do. I hate feeling like I’m wasting my life.

Sometimes I wonder what they’re doing in the store next to mine. When I’m in the back I can sometimes hear like cheering and stuff. I wonder if they’re doing stuff like that video of the walmart employees singing we will rock you. Maybe I’m just apathetic and I get confused when I hear others expressing joy.

I think I express joy though, just in a less noisy way.

I’m such a high strung person that sometimes joy is just shown as like… exhaling.

I need to invent something like a night guard for the day because I grind my teeth when I’m stressed or pissed off (which is about 40% of the time) and I think it’s making my jaw bigger and the last thing I need is an even more square jaw. That’s definitely in my top 5 insecurities about my body. I just think my whole jaw line needs to go through a paper shredder.

Do you ever look at someone and wonder what they regret?

I do that a lot and I think it’s kind of sadistic.

Alright, I’m at about 600 words so I’ll leave you for now.

 

afternoon pages, a natural hair rant, and a pet update

I wanted to write some morning pages today, but I woke up late and forgot… so I’m gonna invent afternoon pages and do that.

Right now I’m super nauseous and my stomach hurts because of my antibiotics. I’m getting a little better and I hope the feeling better actually lasts this time. But I’m not in a great mood because of my stomach pain so this post may not be the most kind.

I haven’t posted any photos on my blog in like forever. I’ve been having a hard time with my google photos account because It won’t allow me to back up photos on 2 accounts so I’ve either gotta switch all my photos to one account or I need to change which account is connected to my wordpress. I honestly haven’t taken a ton of photos lately because I’ve been in a bit of a depressive state since Mel died, but I’m getting back to my former grind. I’ve taken and edited photos for 2 days straight and I uploaded a picture to my instagram today. I’m gonna try to really put more focus into my photos because I think people really liked seeing my pictures on my blog and I genuinely enjoy taking pictures and enjoy editing them even more.

I recently got a desk planner (from Happy Planner) and it’s really helped me to realize that I need to prioritize my writing and online presence if I intend to make my writing and stuff into a career. I’m gonna be reaching out to other blogs so I can start guest posting. My happy planner in a vertical layout planner with 3 boxes that I’ve delineated to top box: daily personal life, middle box: work and business, bottom box: goals. It’s cool to plan things out like instagram posts in advance, it makes me feel like I have more incentive to do things since in general I’m lacking in motivation.

If you’ve wondered about my new job, I’ll write about it now. I don’t wanna tell you exactly where I work because I don’t wanna disclose too too much of my personal life (so as to prevent stalking) and I also don’t know about my employer’s policy when it comes to talking about there, but I work at a clothing store. My manager and coworkers so far have been super nice and accommodating. It’s kinda cool to see all the different types of people who can enter one place in a day. I also really like being able to organize things when there’s nothing else for me to do. I’m terrible at cleaning up around the house, but for some reason I like color coding the clothes and jewelry at the store. I also like getting paid.

Last night I watched a video on youtube that made me laugh from the creators ignorance. I don’t wanna reveal who made the video because I actually like the girls other videos but this one just wasn’t it. She was making a video about how buzzfeed videos suck and I should’ve known her commentary wouldn’t be great because honestly most of the people who make these “Buzzfeed Cringe” videos don’t think with a ton of nuance. But I watched it anyway. So the video started out with her calling the “Women try Manspreading” video misandry *eye roll*. I should’ve clicked off then but I like to torture myself so I kept watching. She then went on to rant for a solid 2 minutes about a video about like natural hair problems. In her rant she complained about how black people complain too much and how “It’s just hair”. I wish people who don’t even give black people’s unique struggles a second thought wouldn’t spout out these “hot takes” about black hair. Sadly for many people, it isn’t just hair. It’s identity and it’s struggle, it’s a cause of anxiety and it’s something that makes them the other, it’s unprofessional and it’s a distraction. So if you don’t understand that many black people are forced to hide their hair for fear of being fired, being assaulted, being insulted, and even just being touched without consent… maybe don’t give your opinion on how “black people straighten their hair and I’m not offended” because it makes you look like you don’t ever think about others. Yawn.

hmm… I wanna write 900 words and this one is the 730th.

About once a week I get this strong urge to rearrange my bedroom. There’s this part of me that say’s my room would feel more roomy if I moved my bed to the other side of the room but I also really like how my room is now and Poptart (my chihuahua) would probably be mad at me if I moved his nest that he built under my wicker chair. He’s a funny little dude. He dragged my small stuffed animals from the bottom shelf on the rack I keep them on to under the chair and he loves to sleep there. I didn’t think he was strong enough to carry around those stuffed animals but he’s not only strong enough to move one, as of the last time I checked his nest he had at least 7 stuffed animals down there. Maddie (my cat) scratched him the other day and he has a cut in his side now that he won’t stop licking 😦 . I might as well update you on all my pets now since I’m already taking about them. Peanut (my female chihuahua) is doing ok, she go some wet food on her face the other day and it dried up and now she won’t let me wipe it off of her. I hope it flakes off. Maddie is average, shes mean and noisy as usual, but what else can you expect from a spoiled 13 year old persian cat? Samoa and Posh (the french bulldogs) are dong great. They’re puppies so they kinda always act the same: energetic and enthusiastic. They climbed up to a ledge that we keep their treats on the other day and knocked down a bucket of training treats and ate about 1/3 of the bucket about 4 days ago. That annoyed me.

would you look at that, I’ve now written over 1000 words so I guess my afternoon pages are over with.

Hopefully you liked this!

Please follow my blog if you wanna hear more about my life!

Morning Page 1

I’ve been hearing a lot about morning pages recently and I thought “hmm that seems like a good idea, but I don’t wanna waste that much paper”.  If you haven’t heard of morning pages, you essentially write 3 pages of whatever’s on your mind right when you wake up. I know you might think, “Mikah, you use a ton of paper already with your tons of journals and book upon books of notes.” I will respond, “yeah, but I like those things, I’m not sure about this”

Well, lucky for all of us, I just woke up.

Welcome to my first time writing morning pages.

I’ll give myself some basic rules:

  • a page is about 300 words for me so I’ll aim for 900 words
  • don’t say anything too mean

cool, let’s start

I don’t know what happened, but I have a big deep cut on the inside of my knuckle and my finger is super swollen. It must have happened a good while ago because it’s scabbed over and doesn’t feel new. What if I’m up doing dumb stuff while I’m asleep and I didn’t even know?
I guess that’s no big surprise because I’m a person who does dumb stuff all the time so I guess I’d do it while asleep too.

I’ve been watching a lot of these videos about productivity lately and I’ve noticed that everyone gives the same tips. Either these tips are like super holy grail or everyone doesn’t wanna try to come up with their own ideas. I think the answer is the latter, not the former.

I suspect this because I try a lot of these tips and they don’t help me like… at all.

The pomodoro method is the single best way to distract me, putting my phone far away from me for my timer just makes me super anxious and doesn’t wake me up any better (I don’t hear the alarm), and gratitude journaling is like the most disingenuous thing I’ve ever done. Just a few things that came to mind that don’t work for me.

I think I should come up with my own productivity techniques and make a light flooded, aesthetic youtube video about them.

For me the only way to study and not get totally distracted and unproductive is to study straight through with zero distractions for hours on end. I think for many people this sounds awful and burdensome but since I genuinely get pleasure out of studying, this is really nice for me.

Do you remember those Chicken Soup for the Soul books?

I always saw them all over the place when I was a kid and I’ve never read one or heard anyone talk about what they were about.

They’re so mysterious to me and I kinda wish I read one of them when I was little. At the house of a family I stayed with a lot as a child, they had a pink Chicken Soup for the Little Girls Soul or whatever it was titled book and it seemed to pop up in the oddest of places. Like, I’d see it in the living room on an end table one day then 2 hours later it would be in the bathroom then the next day it would be in the kitchen?

I think those books are cryptids and they just show up places and make you feel uncomfortable.

Like bigfoot.

Have you seen the ads for that movie called Smallfoot that’s coming out soon? It has Zendaya in it. It seems like she’s everywhere. I appreciate it though. I remember seeing Zendaya on Shake It Up when I was a kid and wanting to be her so bad. I always wanted to dress like the disney channel kids when I was little. When I look back at that I’m so glad I didn’t because oh my god. Dresses over jeans, thin sparkly scarves over sequin shirts, like 4 shirts of varying sleeve length layered on top of each other.

Why did they dress them like that?

I think it was an effort to dress them as flashy and interesting as possible while also dressing them as modestly as possible.

oooo

I have a conspiracy theory.

You know how a ton of disney channel stars go on to become mainstream famous but not many Nickelodeon stars do?

I think Ariana Grande is a test for the first mainstream famous nickelodeon star.

If you pay a lot of attention, you’ll notice that no nickelodeon stars aside from like, Kenan from Kenan and Kel have become famous beyond child stardom, yet Ariana Grande has. 

I have like no other observations but if anybody is into conspiracy theories, look into that.

I feel like I might be doing the morning pages thing wrong. I imagine that people who do morning pages have like bursts of inspiration and write these detailed diary entries but I’m over here talking about how books are like bigfoot.

I suppose I should just keep up with the brain dump thing because I don’t think I’m capable of being one of those detailed introspective writers. But that’s why you guys like to read me right? I hope it is, although I am very aware of the people who hate follow me.

I haven’t gotten a death treat in a while. Am I not being divisive enough anymore?

I kinda appreciate the lack of death threats, though.

People are silly. 

Well, here we are at 900 words.

I guess I’ll stop for now.