Communities & Indoctrination

Last night I started watching some videos from a guy known as Mr. Atheist.

He’s a former member of the LDS and a lot of his content revolves around educating the public about common practices in the Church of Latter Days Saints (the mormon church) and explaining the issues in the church.

For quite a while I’ve had an odd interest in mormonism (I’ll be using the term mormonism because it’s an easy to understand term, I know they don’t like to be called mormons). I think I may have watched the John Smith episode of South Park at too young of an age and now I’ve been imprinted on.

I wasn’t raised religious, but I have had my fair share of interactions with religious people (I’m from the bible belt after all) and I really enjoy researching religion. Despite my interest, I’ve never really taken a stance for or against religion in general or any specific religion.

I think that may be because, especially when I was a kid, I felt really weird about not being religious and I really don’t like to be a person that makes any group I belong to look bad. I really don’t want to be associated with all those “atheist skeptics” who say mean things and talk over people but excuse their poor behavior with a “skeptic” attitude (I’m looking at you, thunderf00t).

I’ve had some rocky footing on the topic of mormonism for a while though, ever since I found out about the more strict branches and since I found out about Protecting Mormon Children.

I’m not going to make any direct statements about any religion right now though, I’m just going to make 2 broad statements about how I like to live.

I don’t think it’s good for any community to mask the wrongdoings of members of their community just so that their group looks better.

To give a non-religious example:

You often see on twitter, people with far left beliefs dancing around criticisms of common actions taken by other far-leftists. I think the least offensive example I can give is leftists avoiding any discussion of animal welfare because “white vegans care more about animals than they do about black people!!!”.


We shouldn’t care about other living beings because certain people have problems? We can’t care about more than one thing?

Or another one of my favorites: “there is no ethical consumption under capitalism!!!!!!!!!!!!”

This one is a great way to absolve yourself of guilt when you know that what you’re doing is wrong, but you don’t want to step outside of your comfort zone.

Or another community I see hiding wrongdoings of their comrades: sex positive feminists.

(I really seem right wing in this post looking back on it. I’m actually quite liberal, I just think it’s good to look at things with a critical eye)

You’ll often see people who place a ton of value on sex positivity avoiding any discussion of people who’ve used sex positivity as a way to coerce others into unfavorable positions. It seems like any time a young woman mentions that she ended up in sexual situations to avoid being perceived as “regressive” and “SWERF-y” by sex positive feminists, many people who define themselves as sex positive will say omething along the lines of “well nobody told you to do that” or “that isn’t sex positivity’s fault” or a personal favorite “if someone coerced you, they aren’t really sex positive!” (nice no-true-scotsman fallacy there)

Sure, these things aren’t the fault of the group or the ideology, but it’s important to note that a community can create a space in which people who wish to coerce others can feel comfortable.

Just look at tumblr and the p*dophile community that developed after people made being the slightest bit judgemental seem like a heinous crime that instantly makes you a bigot who hates equal rights.

I don’t think anyone should make children do anything that isn’t necessary for the child’s wellbeing.

This shouldn’t be a controversial opinion, but it seems like it is for many people.

I think there’s a big difference between making your kid eat some green beans and making your kid go to church every sunday.

I’m not going to directly say that making children partake in religion is indoctrination but…

Well… Thanks for reading.

I don’t think this was very well written, but I just wanted to maybe put some points out there.


BKchat, tumblr, and incels

I have no idea where this post is gonna go, but I’m going to write anyway. I think I’m gonna write one paragraph about whatever comes to mind until I feel satisfied.

I just got off work, which is super great. I strongly prefer the days when I work early and leave early over days where I show up later and close the store.

Yesterday I took a lot of photos. I photographed Posh and Samoa, Maddie, and myself. I’m still in the process of editing them though, so you guys will see them some time in the near future.

Recently I’ve really enjoyed a show called bkchat london. I often saw people on twitter talk about stuff the people on bkchat said and I never felt particularly compelled to spend like an hour listening to people debate about relatively simple (in my eyes) subjects. But I watched an episode the other day and realized the show is actually pretty interesting (although I wish the cast wouldn’t yell over each other every 25 seconds). It’s interesting to hear people who have views that I’d never even thought people had.

We got Marshmallows ashes yesterday. It’s weird, I thought I was pretty well recovered, but I guess I’m not. The second I took out the urn, I started sobbing. I just feel really  bad. I miss him a lot.

I’m still figuring out college stuff. I have to do financial aid online paperwork stuff… Not enthused.

Have y’all heard about how tumblr is banning adult content? I’m worried they may start hunting down anyone who posts anything nsfw (i.e discussions of sexual assault). When the news came out, a lot of people started passing around an article about how a lot of women discover and prefer viewing p*rn on tumblr. I think it’s odd that people have taken this information and used it as a gotcha to tumblr that they shouldn’t ban adult content so women can watch p*rn. I don’t wanna sound like a prude but… If tumblr has to ban all adult content so that there won’t be as big of a child p*rnography problem, I value the safety of children 5000 times more than the feelings of women who use tumblr to get off.

Have you guys also heard about all the incel dudes reporting s*x workers with premium snapchats to the IRS? That’s so odd to me. I don’t want to entirely reveal my stance because I don’t want people to say “oh so you have s*x workers?” because that’s what I’ve seen a lot of super liberal feminists say when anyone offers the slightest bit of criticism toward the s*x industry. What I will say is that I’m not particularly fond of the majority of the s*x industry, but just because you may think “p*rn is bad” or that you’re bitter about pretty women not talking to you, you don’t need to try to ruin people’s lives. ugh.

This post really meanders, doesn’t it?

Tomorrow I have a psychiatrist appointment. I’m excited to get out. It’ feels like for the past month I’ve gone to work, come home, and maybe if I’m feeling wild I’ll go to the grocery store. I wouldn’t say I’m a homebody or a person who needs to constantly be out and about, but I really do enjoy the occasional outing.

ok. I’m gonna go now, I need to study.

Thanks for reading.

The Case For Vapidity

I love photo editing apps with a sticker function like line camera, picsart, and rakuga cute.

I know a lot of people find the sticker thing to be really tacky but I don’t care one bit because I think they’re cute.

So here’s some pictures of me with stickers on them ♡



So, now that people have clicked out of this post for it being vapid or useless, let’s talk.

I wish people wouldn’t be unnecessarily critical toward people who have supposedly vapid interests.

This came to the forefront of my ind today as I’ve been looking at chess resources and chess news since I’m beginning my journey to become a chess player. People regard chess as an ultimate sport of the mind and as a completely non-frivolous endeavor. Why is that? If we think about it hard enough, chess is first and foremost a game. A game mainly played by the privileged. A game mainly played by the privileged with a community that is crawling with sexists, ableists, and people who look down on the “lower classes”.

Note that I don’t blame chess for these issues, I blame the community.

I was hoping to find a nice, intellectual community when I took a foray into a forum and boy was I wrong. People on that website are aggressive, quick to criticize, and rarely quick to disown racists and sexists in their community (in my experience).

Again, is not a proper sample of the entire chess community and I am not blaming the game or even the majority of players for the actions of anonymous dorks on forums.

I have discussed my appreciation for the “silly” many times on this blog.

I love:

  • taking pictures of myself
  • tiny dogs
  • stickers
  • pastel colors
  • makeup
  • stuffed animals
  • skincare
  • disney
  • lip gloss
  • doing hair
  • cooking
  • escapism
  • (tasteful) glitter
  • fashion
  • stationary
  • etc etc

and I will not allow others to dissuade me from my interests.


For a large period of my life, I’ve found myself shunning things that I truly like so that I won’t be seen as a bimbo, vain, stupid, or worthless in serious discussion. I’m sick of it!

Let me tell you a story.

When I took AP Music Theory at my second school of that year, I felt pretty ostracized. With the exception of a few friends in the class and one neutral dude, the class was populated by a judgmental clique. When I would raise my hand they would roll their eyes, I even heard one say “here we go again” one time. I would get stares when I wore my favorite outfits as though it’s a crime to not wear jeans and a sweatshirt every day like they did. They would laugh as I spoke.

You wanna know something funny though?

My teacher liked me, I got great grades in the class, and I ended up getting a 3 out of 5 on the AP exam (a score many of them failed to reach).

After that class and the drama that defined it for me, I decided to be a bit more shameless when it comes to doing what I like. For the next year or so I was slightly more shameless but there was still a lingering terror that hung above my head at the idea of dressing 100% the way I like or talking openly about my more vapid interests.

I love my blog but I think I’ve failed to truly express the more vacuous side of my nature. I think I’m in a period of transition.

I like having a place to be shameless.

I like encouraging others to live shamelessly.

I am so thankful to those who have told me I inspire them to blog!

So I will be a bit more me from here on.

And that includes stickers.

thank you for reading!

Which is Better: Duolingo or Lingodeer?

I made a video detailing my thoughts on which language app is more effective over the course of the past few days and posted it on youtube this afternoon. I thought since most of y’all don’t subscribe to my youtube channel (which you totally should), I’d make a dedicated blog post where you can read my thoughts.


So, what are duolingo and lingodeer?

Duolingo and Lingodeer are both free language learning services that offer basic to intermediate lessons in a variety of languages.



  • offers detailed grammar tips
  • teaches grammar in an almost template style format
  • builds upon itself as the learner progresses through the course
  • separate vocabulary and grammar reviews
  • intuitive, customizable review sessions
  • story feature where one makes things learned in lessons more tangible
  • teaches stroke order of chinese characters
  • rapidly expanding languages offered
  • hangul chart in korean course
  • cute mascot


  • offers fewer languages
  • less ubiquitous than duolingo
  • fewer vocabulary words than duolingo




  • ubiquitous, everybody uses it
  • a wide variety of languages (even fictional languages like Klingon)
  • wide variety of vocabulary offered
  • good chrome application
  • less learning curve
  • dedicated lessons to the writing systems of languages ie cyrillic, hangul, hiragana
  • longer courses
  • competitive in groups
  • rewarding (gems)
  • tinycards app to use alongside
  • cute mascot


  • seems to be stagnating in expansion
  • some courses are only available online and not on the app
  • no explanation of grammar points
  • the gem system discourages me from studying for a long period
  • doesn’t teach stroke order in mandarin course


So, which is better?

I don’t think either app is better per se. I think honestly the best thing you can do if you wanna use apps to aid in studying is download both and use them in conjunction. Use duolingo vocabulary with lingodeer grammar rules to teach yourself how to construct sentences.

Thank you for reading!

Please comment if you want more reviews of learning resources from me and follow my blog!

Bloggers Block and Ira Glass

I feel like it would be a little pretentious of me to say I have writers block since I’m such a casual personal blogger, but I have something that feels like how I imagine writers block feels.

It’s not like I don’t have ideas or concepts in mind, I just don’t feel like right now is the time to execute them so I have a bunch of half written posts in my WordPress drafts. I also am not trying to come up with narratives like a novelist.

I’ll call it bloggers block.

I feel like I really need to get back to my former work ethic before Mel died because I was really seeing rapid growth and improvement in my blog. I loved how it felt to see myself being rewarded for my efforts.

I think I’m gonna try to post every day in September.

I bet I’ll probably end up breaking this goal on like… the 1st but I really think it would be a good idea.

There’s this speech by Ira Glass from This American Life about how if you wanna do something you, should do it all the time. I hear a lot of people talk about it and quote it and if you know me you’ll know that I’m impervious to quotes but as a person who obsessively does things daily out of the belief that at some point I’ll be good at something, I might as well blog daily. Blogging is already in my habit tracker so I might as well further incentivize myself.

I’ve set a goal for monthly views for September and I’ve begun a list of post ideas so that I can have consistent posts and something to work towards.

I’ll be trying to keep a good balance of personal (whiny) posts and informative/lifestyle posts like I did in the past.

So… yeah.

If you wanna see more posts (hopefully daily) please subscribe to or follow my blog!

Guilty About My Thoughts

Do you ever think something and then immediately feel like a bad person?

I do that at least 7 times a day.

I don’t know if this is a universal experience or if this is caused by my focus on being a “good, righteous person” but it causes me a lot of distress.

For example, I like to believe that I’m a very body positive person and honestly when I look at most people I see beauty, but I don’t offer myself the same luxury. I’ll think to myself “nobody will ever romantically love you because of your looks”, “your body is disgusting”, “you need surgery or else you’ll never be liked” and almost immediately after having thoughts like this a second thought crosses my mind.

“You’re a hypocrite”

“You don’t really care about others”

“Nobody will ever love you because you’re so negative”

These thoughts also have a second road to go down where my retaliation will be more along the lines of:

“You care too much about what others think”

“You should be independent and have an idgaf attitude like other people your age”

I think the second line of thought is less hurtful for me because honestly, I believe that there’s nothing wrong with being concerned about what others think. I think that it shows that you care and is a very good motivator (for me) to improve. I also believe that the common carefree attitude that a lot of people my age have is very unattractive and makes them seem like *ssholes.

I just often feel like an immoral person because I think degrading thoughts about myself and others. It makes me feel like I’m in solitary confinement in this flesh prison I’ve been cursed with.

I feel like it would be a very bad idea to air ut most of the thoughts I have but I’ll give another example that’s more me-centric so I don’t make myself seem like a complete c*nt.

I’ll sometimes see couples in which a woman in the relationship looks nothing like me. This makes me completely seethe. I feel so guilty about it because I know I should be happy for others, but it just makes me feel like nobody likes girls who look like me when I see people in happy relationships who share no physical traits with me.

Before you leave a comment along the lines of telling me I’m pretty or telling me personality matters more, I’d like to finish talking.

When I have these envious mean thoughts, I always try to make myself feel validated with the thoughts about my personality (which I believe is great) or I try to convince myself that I am not the ugliest human to ever live (very hard to do), but I manage to logic my way out of that every time. When I try to convince myself of the importance of personality, I very quickly remind myself of the tons upon tons of people who are in fact superficial. I know I shouldn’t desire these people either, but here comes another way to make myself feel bad. I tell myself that everyone is superficial. Now I’m backed into a corner and what happens next? ED urges. When I try to convince myself that I possess even a modicum of good looks, I do something that also makes me feel like a bad person: I look at people I think are ugly. I know I shouldn’t be judging peoples looks but I do it. Sadly when I look at people I find ugly, all I notice are similarities to myself. So that makes me feel awful too.


I wish I felt desirable ever but I genuinely never do. I think a small amount of outside validation from people I have feelings for would genuinely help me and… guess what… that makes me feel awful too.

I feel codependent, I feel attention seeking, I feel like I don’t receive validation for a reason (my looks).

I just wish I could find a solution to this.

Whatever, I just suck.

Yelling Into the Void About Beans

Sorry I haven’t been posting a ton lately, with Mel’s death and my new job I’ve been dealing with the winning combo of being sad and busy. I’ll be really trying to place more focus onto my blog so this doesn’t die off. I love writing here and I’d like to be sure that my blog stays high on my list of priorities.

I don’t know exactly what to talk about so I’ll just ramble until I find a topic.

My hips hurt quite a bit. I stand a lot at my job and I haven’t been stretching quite as religiously so my body is revolting against me. I wonder if there’s such a thing as a hip brace. I could probably make use of that. ***edit: There is such a thing***

I feel kinda delirious today. Do you ever feel like your eyes are cloudy but your sight isn’t messed up? Like it feels like my eyes are relaxing after straining. Whenever I’m delirious, I always have interesting thoughts.

Today I was thinking a lot about how a lot of people who subscribe to what I think are fad-ish diets refuse to eat legumes.

That’s the dumbest thing to me.

I get it if you don’t like how pinto beans taste or something but there are people out there who genuinely believe that beans cause kidney failure! What’s wrong with these people!?

But I can’t get too mad at them because *not to be mean* people who eat diets like paleo, whole30, and keto don’t tend to care all too much about peer reviewed research or you know… fiber… or antioxidants… or cholesterol… or vitamin c… or healthy hormone levels (unless they can talk sh*t about soy).

Like, I see people online who talk about how beans are so unhealthy yet they eat stuff like VEAL. HEART.

oh my god.

I see these carnivore diet people promoting organ meats and using tallow as lip balm but they’re worried about peanuts?

I could internally scream about this all day.

Have you ever heard someone go on about “traditional foods”?

I saw a bunch of “traditional food” people yelling in their echo chamber about how fruit is unhealthy. FRUIT!?

That’s like the most traditional thing on earth!

Do you really think we were killing goats before we were picking grapes?


I’m gonna work myself up if I keep thinking about the diet people.

I’ll go study now.