ED Recovery

ED Recovery Update #13

It’s been a while since one of these. There are probably new readers who don’t even know I’m recovering from an eating disorder at this point.

So here’s an update.

I haven’t had a hypoglycemic episode in a super long time. I think the last time I had one was in July. That makes me super happy.

I have been able to not use my “menu” for about 3 weeks right now. I generally have better hunger cues but I do sometimes need to force myself to eat. I’d say I force myself once every 2-3 days. That’s quite a bit better than my past average of forcing myself for about 1 meal a day.

I’m a little less scared when I get weighed. I still don’t trust myself to weigh myself at home but when I go to the doctor and need weighed, I can handle it. I also don’t really know my measurement right now. That’s really weird for me.

hmm…

Oh!

I don’t go for my daily walks anymore and it kinda makes me sad. I really enjoyed my walks, but I’m having a bout of anxiety right now so I’m too nervous to go for my walks. I wish people didn’t suck and dudes wouldn’t pull up to any unsuspecting girl and say nasty stuff.

I’m kinda low energy recently.

I don’t really know why. I think it may be a work thing. I don’t work every day, but I do have a bit of an emotional load from working. I feel like all the customers stare at me in a bad way. Most of the customers at the store I work at are 30-60 years old or so. I find that when I catch them staring there’s a vailed glare in their eyes. Maybe I’m just reading into it too much and they just have angry faces. I have like a mental reflex where if I see someone looking angrily at me, I think it’s about my body. Like they’re disgusted by me. I hate it. I know most of the time it’s because I come across as uppity (that’s what I’ve been told) but my ED mind is irrational.

I generally love being stared at (because I love attention) but when there’s a glare there I feel bad. I think anybody is like that though. Nobody likes to be glared at.

So that’s all that comes to mind when I think of ED stuff.

Thanks for reading.

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ED Recovery

ED Recovery Update #12

Been a while since one of these, right?

Well since the last EDRU, I’ve been thinking about food a lot. Not in a craving way because I still only get cravings every once in a while, but in a methodology-centric way.

I’ve been eating in a pretty robotic way for the most part because I’m having a lot more restrictive urges than I have in the past.

So to combat this I made a little booklet of food options that I often find myself eating so that when time comes to feed myself I can just choose from my menu rather than feeling a pressure to be creative and mix things up.

I think that this method may be looked at by professionals as a bit rigid and possibly even restrictive, so I try to eat off the menu when I don’t feel strong urges.

My menu has helped me to eat in a more consistent way rather than procrastinating because of the pressure to decide and then just eating a complete cookie and acting like that’s dinner.

If you want a tutorial on the menu booklet I’d be happy to make one!

Thanks for reading!

Mikah.

ED Recovery

ED Recovery Update #10

i’m less weight minded right now but i’m very aware of how i look in clothes.

i haven’t had a hypoglycemic issue since i went to six flags so i suppose my eating schedule may be helping with that.

i set timers for meals now because i have a tendency to delay eating. they help a lot but if i’m not home at a meal time they surprise me.

i’ve been experimenting with food a bit more recently as far as seasonings go (in other words i’m addicted to onion powder). i used to have an irrational fear of onion mainly because it tips people off that you’ve eaten but now i’m very aware that people know i eat since it’s a solid 1/4 of my very public blog.

i’ve been eating avocado recently. i used to be a bit 80/10/10 in my eating patterns just out of preferring carbs but i found one more fatty thing i like in the form of avocado. now i like 3 high fat foods: peanut butter, balsamic vinaigrette, and avocado.

my walks have lengthened slightly in duration but decreased in frequency. i walk for about 45 minutes 4 times a week rather than 30 minutes 5-6 times a week.

my dress came in the mail and it fits! i’m so happy. my mom says it’s too short but whatever i like it.

umm…

i don’t have much else to say about recovery right now

p.s

i remade my tumblr.

it’s dear-mikah.tumblr.com and on there i mainly reblog pictures of bijou from hamtaro.

ED Recovery

thinking about how clothes fit

i get so frustrated 7/10 times i get dressed.

i strongly crave a breast reduction.

i just wish that i was a waify person who could wear oversized clothes and have them actually look oversized. whenever i put on something, even i it’s 5 sizes too big, it’s tight on my goddamn tits!!!!!

i wish i was like a b cup. when i was a b cup everything sat so well on my chest and it wasn’t hard to wear tight clothes. nowadays as a ddd everything i wear stretches over my chest and the patterns on my clothes warp. it takes so much energy to pull my dresses over my chest because they bunch and pinch me and it pisses me off.

this is especially upsetting as a person who cares a lot more about how clothes fit than how my actual body looks.

you know what’s also upsetting?

my boobs don’t even look that impressive.

if they looked freakishly large i might be able to embrace the amanda lepore look but no… i just look chubby. btw if you wanna send a hate comment about how i just am chubby, please come up with something more creative because i’m fully aware of my weight. if i wasn’t i wouldn’t have an eating disorder.

whenever i say to someone that i want a breast reduction they always have the most stupid responses.

it’s always something along the lines of “but guys love big boobs” or “you won’t be curvy anymore” or “that’s not a good reason”.

well guess what

A) i don’t want guys staring at my chest.

B) if i wanted to be curvy i wouldn’t methodically starve myself!!!!!!!

C) i thought it was pretty clear when i talk about my body that i want to be emaciated

D) if you want a better reason for me getting a breast reduction: MY BACK HURTS. SO. BAD. CONSTANTLY.

so there. please stop looking at my body as an attention getting device rather than a mode of self expression.


p.s i’m so nervous about my dress i bought because i have a sneaking suspicion that it won’t fit my chest. it said 38 inches around the upper chest and my upper chest is smaller than that but there was no measurement given for the horrifying chest mound area.

why did i have to be cursed with giant mounds of fat attached to my flesh prison?

i wanna buy a chest binder.

p.p.s thank you for watching my tips video and reading my post!

ED Recovery

ED recovery update #9

i really wanna relapse.

it’s so hard to feel good about yourself when you feel like you have no self control.i’m very aware of the fact that me eating at all is control oriented because if i really had no control i would starve.

i have one really good motivator for not relapsing though…

i don’t wanna lose my hair again.

fun fact about me: i have a few bald spots because my hair would fall out in clumps at the height of my ED.

right now i’m just focusing on eating anything 3 times a day. i think if i can get through this moment where my urges are strong i’ll be able to revert to my positive eating habits, so i’m kinda just waiting this out.

ヽ(  ´  ∇  `  )ノ

p.s

i’m working on a language learning tips post right now but it requires a lot of photos and thus a lot of photo editing.

ED Recovery

ED recovery update #8

i’ve been having some ED thoughts and urges but not a ton. my biggest urge currently  is to delay meals. like when i’m due to have a meal i often find myself thinking “i can wait another 30 minutes”.

recently i’ve been having snacks which is new. they’ve been very low calorie (i know i should avoid thinking so hard about calories but its an almost decade old habit) such as seaweed. i still feel accomplished for being able to eat when i feel like it sometimes.

my morning walks have been about 30 minutes lately and i think they’re really helping. i feel accomplished and more enthusiastic when i get home from my walks. it’s also been helping with my daily stretches to warm up so much beforehand.

the other day i weighed myself for the first time in a while and it made me feel bad. i knew it would before i got on the scale but i still did it anyways. i lost 9 pounds since the last time i weighed myself but i think it’s been because of my fevers and walking so much in austin. i am very aware of my weight at all times and i have been since i was like 6 so there’s nothing new but i feel like i’m bad at recovery because of it nowadays.

i shouldn’t think about it the way that i do but i combat the “bad at recovery” thought by saying things to myself along the lines of “well at least you aren’t hospitalized” or “other people spend way longer than you in php and iop so you’re fine”. i feel like a sadist when i think those thoughts.

i’ve been eating the same meals over and over again when i’m home but it’s mainly because i don’t feel super creative as of lately. like, in general i’ve felt unaccomplished (with the exception of my walks) and generally sucky when it comes to my abilities. that’s one of the big motivators for my ed behaviors so i’m a bit scared of relapsing. but i’m always scared of relapsing so it’s nothing new.

so… i’m out of thoughts.

bye

ED Recovery · what i eat in a day

things i eat

i thought maybe since the original point of this blog was ED stuff, i should probably write an ED themed post, right?

so i’m gonna tell you some foods i eat that i don’t get repulsed by after eating them twice in a week.

*disclaimer* i’m vegan and i tend to eat higher calorie meals so i can only eat 3 times a day. so don’t get shocked if you try to eat like me and you have ~600 calorie meals.

chickpea cookie dough

so i eat chickpea cookie dough whenever i know i’ve not eaten much protein or fat in a day.

my recipe is roughly:

1 can of chickpeas

2 teaspoons of brown sugar

4 tablespoons of soy isolate protein powder (you can also use flour but i prefer the texture of protein powder)

3 tablespoons of dark chocolate chips

a pinch of salt

1/4 of a teaspoon of vanilla powder

eat the amount you please.

lenny and larry’s cookies

i normally carry one of these around with me so i don’t have hypoglycemic episodes. not much to say.

 

spinach salad

i eat spinach salads often because i don’t like most lettuces in salads because they’re too tough. my preferred form of spinach salad includes: spinach, balsamic vinaigrette, slivered almonds, the legume of my choice.

 

vanilla life cereal

my favorite cereal is vanilla life and i often will have some for breakfast with soy milk.

 

baked tofu and peanut sauce

very self explanatory but i’ll give you some basic directions.

  1. cut firm tofu into skewers
  2. bake at 385 degrees f (196 degrees celcius) for about 20 minutes (until slightly gold)
  3. while the tofu bakes mix 2 tablespoons of peanut butter with 1 tablespoon of sweet chili sauce and 1 tablespoon of water
  4. consume

 

pretzels and hummus

it’s pretzels and hummus, i also like pita chips

 

i’m purposefully going to leave out some things so maybe i can make a sequel to this post some day.

Uncategorized

a new youtube channel to hate

so every once in a while i like to go through “anti SJW” youtube videos because i think it’s really funny that people can be that stupid. because of this habit i get recommended a lot of videos by other idiots and today i was recommended one of my least favorites so far.

the channel is called catloading and basically she makes fun of fat people and body positivity. now, i wouldn’t be that upset if i hadn’t read the comments on her videos.

in the comments people commend her for being great thinspo.

i can’t seem to understand why she makes these videos in the first place but even more than that i can’t understand why people could possibly be inspired even if it’s ED based inspiration.

if she were to read my post (she probably won’t) i would really encourage her to have more nuance in her video making because as a person who very recently went through treatment for a restrictive eating disorder, these videos can be the spark that ignites someone’s flame of self hate and restriction.

so i’ve watched about 10 of her videos and i need to discuss another type of video she makes. “body positive dancing compilation[s]”. each video starts with a disclaimer that the videos aren’t intended to bully, but if you watch them with the mindset of someone featured, i personally would have a damn breakdown if i was featured in one of these. she jump cuts together footage of the evil fat people dancing (some of the people aren’t even fat they’re like barely overweight) and every time there’s any sort of jiggle on their bodies she does an abrupt close up. i can’t understand what goes on in her head that makes her think these videos aren’t clearly inflammatory and making fun of people who are just having a good time.

again, i just want to reiterate that she should reconsider her video style because it’s lacking in nuance, unresearched, and could easily encourage caloric restriction.

i have a special part of myself that can’t stand people who criticize fat people because they’re “unhealthy”. you can clearly tell that she doesn’t actually care about anybodies well being because if she did she wouldn’t make such mean spirited videos.

god this post is unorganized.

so to end this post i’m going to quote an excerpt from a comment on her video “addressing fat shaming” by Greenie Queenie

“you’re mean spirited and demeaning, if you really cared about obesity you would be offer[ing] solutions, guid[ing] them to recovery programs and [giving] supoort to obese people through their recover process. instead you blatantly shame them.

blatantly shaming someone isn’t going to stop obesity, that’s why you’re whack as fuck.

so if you’re gonna keep making these compilations and expect[ing] people to take your thoughts seriously on obesity by any means you have lost the credibility”

i would’ve personally worded the comment differently as i’m not one to call someone “whack as fuck” but… if the shoe fits.

but really to end this post i just wanna say that i truly feel bad for catloading because it really feels like when you hear her describing her life experiences, she seems to have gone through something very unpleasant to make her so vitriolic.

and just one last message to her: maybe start doing retakes because you stumble over your words to a point where it’s hard to believe she’s telling the truth about anything

 

ED Recovery

ED Recovery Update #7

i’ve been having a lot of restrictive urges lately and i’ve been able to prevent myself from acting on them with something that used to encourage them:

myfitnesspal

for years (2012-2016) i used myfitnesspal as a restriction tool, i would follow the plan where you’re allotted 1200 calories each day and i’d always aim for under 1200. nowadays i’ve been using myfitnesspal to make sure i eat at least 1700 calories every day.

on the exercise front, i’ve gotten into taking walks. i take a walk about every other morning around my neighborhood because i’ve heard that exercise and being outdoors are helpful for depression. there’s a group of middle age women who i see walking every time i go for a walk and i wanna join them because i think it would be sick to have a group of middle age lady friends.

i’m really trying to suppress my urges to try to lose weight right now because i know it’s a bad idea for me to diet but it’s tough.

here’s a picture of peanut

exif_temp_image

ED Recovery

feeling gross in more ways than one

this morning upon waking up i immediately vomited.

so i didn’t go to school (probably will tomorrow though).

i feel disgusting in physical ways like having a headache, being nauseous, and inexplicably sweating but i also feel disgusting in my body right now.

today it’s been hard to force myself to eat. i’ve still managed to eat 3 meals today however so don’t get too concerned. i just don’t feel deserving of food sometimes and today is one of those times. i’d love if someone could tell me an effective strategy for getting weight loss transformations off of my instagram recommended page, though, because i think that definitely wouldn’t hurt my cause.

i often have a hard time telling myself the stuff i was told during treatment because honestly i think the slogans they tell you are diabolically corny. “all food fits” just doesn’t cut it for making a person who really badly not only wants to be unhealthily thin but also knowingly wants to be sick.

i wanna make some slogans for myself so here it goes:

  • hell is full, eat so you don’t die
  • you’re nice to fat people, so even if you feel fat be nice to yourself
  • just eat it (like weird al yankovich)
  • daiya cheesecake is wonderful, don’t deny yourself of that
  • echidnas eat whatever they want, including their mothers blood. take notes.
  • eat like a free fed rabbit
  • don’t chug water before you eat, it’ll just make you pee a lot
  • eat so you can get practice with chopsticks
  • maybe just have some rice for now and try again later

 

so, yeah.

that felt nice to write.

it motivated me at least but i’m sure that some of this post was upsetting to at least someone so i apologize in advance.