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I Threw Up At Work

Ok…

I didn’t post yesterday…

I feel kinda bad about it but also I needed to gather my thoughts and take a moment because ugh.

I threw up at work the other day.

I’ll explain how I got to that point now since that’s so very vague.

So on Thursday I was an anxious mess from the moment I woke up. By the time I was supposed to be at work the anxiety had manifested into shaking and being on the verge of tears. Since I am so painfully shy and have awful social skills, I told nobody. You know, as one does.

When I walked into work I was shocked to see that my least favorite coworker was scheduled with me. I didn’t see her name on the schedule so seeing her face the moment I step through the doors was like seeing a ghost. (I really have to walk on eggshells when describing my distaste for her because while she did put in her 2 weeks notice a week ago, I still may have to work with her and she may read this. Just understand any displeasure I express is multiplied by a factor of at least 5 in my actual mind)

The moment I saw her I was pushed ever so slightly closer to full on crying but I needed money and I try to be professional so I just stayed on the other side of the store from her.

I really don’t wanna blame her for my terrible anxiety or whatever, but she was the last straw. Just a disclaimer.

So I’m doing the whole work thing, carefully monitoring wherever she was so I could always be far away from her. I get about 45 minutes into my shift and she pulls be to the back room and tells me that I’m, dressed unprofessionally. Great.

I just wanna say that I was apparently dressed unprofessionally because of my pants. My khaki palazzo pants. The khaki palazzo pants that I’ve worn to work at least 4 times.

Apparently they’re too sheer.

Am I just such an amazing actress that people can’t tell when I’m on the verge of tears or something, because that is god awful timing. I would never criticize the way someone is dressed when they just arrived somewhere that they can’t leave for 6 hours. Is that me being weird or is that me being rational because I think that’s what any person with empathy would do.

You know what? Screw it.

She says this to me like I’m a f*cking dog and expects me to be fine with it, but I’m not. I think she needs to reevaluate the way she speaks to others.

OK. Mean digression over.

So after she says this to me I go back on the floor to help customers or whatever and I burst into tears after about 10 minutes. Luckily I was just cleaning a display but still.

I just couldn’t handle the environment I was in.

I’m in full panic attack mode and I get super nauseous and I run to the restroom and vomit.

Shoutout to me for not vomiting in the middle of the floor.

Vomiting really helped calm me down but even today I’m still in a really nervous state because I’m scared I’ll get a condescending text from her or something.

I think it might be a really bad idea for me to post this but I haven’t named names and I haven’t even told anyone online where I work so I think I’m in loophole territory.

Ok.

I’ll probably post 2 entries today because I just really needed to get this off of my chest.

 

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Let’s Bring Back Blog Awards

OK, lots to talk about.

I’m gonna try to organize this in as easily understandable of a way as is possible.

I want an award.

I’ve mentioned multiple times on this blog that I am a very proud lover of attention. I like when people look at me, I like applause (it was my biggest motivator when I was acting), I like praise, I even like when people stare at me. In fact I would go so far as to say that I love those things.

One thing that I think my attention seeking journey is missing is a laundry list of accolades. I love it when people talk about Beyonce (my absolute idol) and they mention that she’s the third most decorated musician ever.

Well, a fun fact about me is that I’ve never really won anything.

I won a metal for a robot building competition (it was actually 2 metals, but I wanna seem humble) when I was 11 and I have 2 “AP scholar with distinction” awards, but other than that I can’t think of a time that I actually won in a competition. I was never an athlete when I was a kid and I was never a particularly memorable person when I did choir and theatre, so it’s no surprise that I don’t know what winning feels like.

That’s very disheartening though.

I want to feel proud of myself!

So where do blog awards factor into this?

Well, I don’t like to admit it but I was huge fan of Xiaxue when I was a kid. Every day I would read her blog and go through her archives. I even looked through the hate site she made for herself!

But of all of the content Xiaxue has put out in her over 15 years blogging and instagramming and doing whatever she does nowadays, my favorite thing she ever put online was her blog post about the 2011 Nuffnang Asia-Pacific Blog Awards. It seemed so glamorous and so interesting and it seemed like something to really be proud of but above all it seemed approachable. It felt like if you just made a blog and worked hard enough, you could get glory. That was why I started my awful first blog back in 2012 and that attainable glamour is a big motivator when I can’t get out a post on here.

So if you didn’t read all of that, I just really wanna win something for once.

What happened to blog awards?

I don’t really know.

I’ve been meditating on this idea for about a month and a half, and I’ve done quite a bit of research. I found one active blog award situation in Ireland for Irish bloggers so that was disappointing. I also found some “if you get tagged you win and then you have to tag 15 other bloggers” style blog awards but that isn’t what I want.

I don’t wanna win a meaningless award based on the fact that I’m good acquaintances with someone.

I want a popular vote.

 

What are we gonna do about this?

Well, I want to see if anyone would participate in this first.

So here’s my call to action:

If you want to have the chance to win an award or you want to see some of your favorite bloggers possibly win awards, please complete this google form. It’ll take like 2 minutes at the most.

https://goo.gl/forms/PBpZYpVD7lbXUxMU2

If you can’t complete the google form, please like this post to show that you want a real, competitive blog award “ceremony” and/or comment about what you want me to do for this.

I’m thinking I’d like to maybe crowd fund this I can get real trophies made (and maybe give out a small cash prize) and I’ll also make a little thumbnail so you can put it on your blog as a widget? I don’t know I’ll plan more if people actually want to do this. I know I can’t create an actual award show because nobody would fly somewhere for a silly blog award nowadays. If I get really into this I may even use my own money, but that’s not a promise.

This will probably be pretty makeshift, but I think it could be cool.

I really wanna make this happen.

So please fill out my google form!

*authors note: I know this is probably anticlimactic since I’ve been working on it for like 5 days but I had to research blog awards and I’ve even gone so far as to figure out how much it would cost to make a trophy and I’ve looked into crowd funding websites, like I’ve really been putting effort into this concept that might not even happen. So please give me feedback and tell me what you want to come of this. ♡♡♡*

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Big Decision

A very dramatic title for a very mundane blog post about a very inconsequential decision.

I’ve decided I want to do something for the first time in my life.

Something I’ve always been afraid to do.

Something I associate with abject horror.

 

So what am I making a decision about?

 

 

 

 

 

I want to get a haircut.

Specifically, I think I want bangs.

 

You may be surprised learning that the idea of a haircut causes me to literally get shivers down my spine. You’re likely even more surprised that I’ve never gotten a haircut.

Let me explain.

  • my hair grows very slowly
  • I’ve technically cut my hair before (I cut a chunk off when I was 4)
  • I experienced hair loss when I was in the throes of my ED
  • I used to sometimes pull my hair out when I was younger
  • I don’t trust other people with my hair like at all
  • I’ve dyed my hair quite a bit so my scalp has likely sustained some damage

So in other words it makes sense that I wouldn’t have floor length hair after never getting a haircut in 18 years of life.

My hair is longer than it seems though.

A lot of people with straight hair don’t think about shrinkage, so I tend to surprise people when they find out I have roughly hip length hair. My hair just really scrunches up so it barely passes my shoulders when it’s dry.

 

I love long hair so I don’t wanna lose any length in the main body of my hair, I just maybe wanna trim off a quarter inch.

And then get bangs.

I don’t necessarily want big deal bangs, I don’t want thick heavy bangs like a lot of the girls I know with curly bangs have. I want them to be a bit similar to korean see through bangs so I only wanna cut one thin layer of curls right around my face. Plus I want longer short bits at the side of my face so I can have little hangy-outy bits when I put my hair in a ponytail like white girls do. You know what I’m talking about? You know, the little leave out bits.

Think hime cut, basically.

Bangs and dangly bits.

I’ve taken the time to graciously pin my hair to look like bangs and take an egregious number of photos of myself with fake bangs so you, my beloved readers, can best understand how I want my bangs to look.

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SEE! It’s cute!
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I put my name necklace on backwards so it would read correctly in photos. See how dedicated I am?
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Do you see the dangly bit? Right in front of my ear.
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looks cute with pigtails!
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It even looks cute with this silly sheep hairstyle

 

See? Not so bad right?

When my mom saw my fake bangs pictures, even she admitted they look good.

 

So, since I am a person who comes to regret most things she does. I’ve decided I’ll give myself a few days, about a week, to really meditate on the bangs decision.

Then I’m cutting them.

I’m not sure I trust a hairdresser to give me bangs. I think a straight haired hairdresser may try to cut my hair wet or something whereas a curly haired hairdresser may try to give me the heavy bangs I said I don’t want.

Also I think it would be fun to film myself cutting my hair.

Do anything for content, am I right?

*disclaimer: don’t do anything for content*

I highly doubt that I’ll change my mind since I’ve wanted bangs for like my whole life, but I do have a genuine fear that I’ll come to regret it. With hair that grows as slowly as mine, this is kind of a permanent decision.

I’ve really been rationalizing this quite a bit.

In my mind, my hair looks bad about 6 out of 7 days of the week. So what’s one more day if this goes horribly wrong, right?

So, if you wanna, could you maybe comment and tell me what you think about my possible bangs?

I’d like to know what y’all think.

Uncategorized

I’m Not Gonna Not Post

I have no reason to not post today.

I kinda had no big goals for the day and I had no plans, but here I am. The sun’s almost down and I still haven’t written yet.

But at the same time, here I am, writing a blog entry as we speak.

 

You know what I wish would make a comeback? Cell phone charms.

Do you remember when every phone had a little notch in it to put a charm in? No you can’t find any phone case let alone phone with charm capabilities. My phone case can work around that because there’s a thin bit near where the little flap covers the ringer switch.

So I think with my upcoming paycheck I’m gonna buy this phone charm I found on etsy. I’ll update you on my phone charm journey later.

I’m still kinda flustered about my ruined guest post.

I actually quite liked the article I wrote (until it was posted) but whatever, I got a good number of new views in the past few days.

I think I’m gonna reach my view goal for my blog this month. Last month I was 9 views away 😦

Oooo you know what I’ve discovered?

If you combine pasta with aldi marinara sauce and the aldi vegan mozzarella, it tastes exactly like a stouffers cheese lasagna.

I used to eat those when I was vegetarian and they were a delight so I’m pumped that I’ve been able to replicate the flavor in a dairy free way.

If you have an aldi near you, please buy their vegan stuff. I want them to see the demand and keep producing it because good god that mozzarella and that chocolate ice cream are life changing.

I also like their vegan potstickers and black bean burgers.

I hope they make even more vegan stuff.

Yesterday I went to aldi and I wore a coat and shorts and I could hear the lady behind me lecturing her daughter to never dress like me. haha.

That may be good advice honestly.

I like the way I dress though. I think I stand out in a crowd and my clothes get the point across that I want to get across.

I’ve written over 30 words so I think this entry is sufficient so I’ll sign off here.

Thanks for reading! Bye!

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Frustrated!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Ok, let’s start with a story.

About a week and a half ago I offered to write a guest post for a person in a facebook group with me. He was very courteous and answered any question I had.

After working on my post for 5 days, I sent it in and he was very complimentary. He asked if I’d like to have any links in the post and I asked for my blog to get linked (some of you came to my blog from that link, thanks for that) and a link to my instagram.

That was the end of my interaction.

Note that I wrote this post for free.

I really don’t wanna be mean but I’m upset about how my article has been spun. My introspective, personal piece has been turned into another “how I learned to love my body” sappy mess.

What?

I hate my body!

I wasn’t asked for a bio, so I didn’t expect one but when I looked at the post, my bio is a copy and paste of facts about my pets from my FAQ page! I have a bio on my website! It’s right on the sidebar!

Ugh. I’m just frustrated. I didn’t even get a good picture of me used in the featured photo.

I don’t wanna call anybody out so I won’t be linking to the article and I won’t be naming names but just know I’m a little upset right now.

I’m gonna be a bit more vindictive if I write any more guest posts.

If you’re one of the many people who discovered my blog from this piece, I hope it doesn’t define me for you.

If you’d like to read a piece I’m very proud of, check out Seedling Magazine

I’ll just let this post get buried.

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Focusing on My Finances

I got called in to come to work, so I don’t have as much time as I thought I did to blog today…

I’ve been spending all morning trying to figure out how I’m gonna use my paycheck when it comes. I know 2 things I absolutely want to buy and I also am gonna go to my favorite farmers market some time soon so those are a few expenditures. I really wanna save at least 30 dollars from each paycheck though for christmas and stuff.

I am a master money waster.

I shouldn’t be allowed to make financial decisions on my own.

I’m trying to save up for a lot of things:

  • christmas gifts
  • winter stuff
  • a camera that I found on ebay
  • just in case
  • etc etc etc

But of course there’s a very loud part of me screaming to buy anything that’s pastel and fluffy. That part of me is also probably the part of me that hates going to work.

That part of me sucks.

I think once I’m in college I’m gonna really put a lot of focus into maintaining a good financial state. I’m focused on that now of course, but it’ll be even more important when the university tries to gouge my eyes out.

I’m gonna try to get a bit more freelance work because (A) it was really rewarding when I got my Seedling magazine payment (B) I like money and (C) I think my trick will be not buying anything with freelance money until I’m in a place I’ve decided to use it i.e I have enough money to buy a big thing (like a camera) or I’m on vacation. That was a horrible run-on sentence.

So I’m gonna buckle down and focus on my finances.

I’ve even put an expense tracker in my bullet journal so you know I’m serious.

What do y’all do to save money?

Also if you know how… how do I raise my credit score? Asking for a friend. That friend’s name is Mikah.

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Untitled Post 3

I have writers block again. I’m a very lucky person in that I don’t tend to have month long writers block or even week long writers block normally. It tends to last maybe 5 days at most. Yesterday I hoped to get out a post but it was just not happening. I counted and I tried 9 whole times to start a post and each time I would write a sentence and then feel like it wasn’t working. I considered just putting up one of my drafts but that felt a little disingenuous.

I guess I’ll talk about an interesting thing that happened today,

A guy offered me 70 dollars for pictures of my feet.

I occasionally get messages and emails along these lines but this is the largest monetary offer I’ve ever received.

It was very tempting to just send my paypal link to him but I just don’t think the foot photo life is for me. I’m not against other people doing it but I’m really young and I have a very valid fear of things I do being brought up against me in the future.

Would you have said yes?

I don’t want to discourage people from trying to talk to me though. I appreciate the emails and comments I get from you guys a lot!

I actually wish more readers would send me emails and leave comments! I try my best to respond to everyone and I really feel fulfilled when I get them. I love talking to you guys!

People on tumblr are a different breed though. They’re very complimentary but they can prod a bit. Not awful though (except the perverts).

Would you guys be ok if I started posting really short posts on days when I’m uninspired? It feels like I’m dragging this post on.

I guess as a thank you for reading this I’ll give y’all a photo:

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maddie and I both moved right when the camera went off so we’re both blurry

Bye!

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If I’m Ever In A Coma

I read this story about a guy who was in a coma the other day. In the hospital room they kept the channel tuned to PBS kids. The thing is, the man had the full ability to hear. So he had to listen to hours upon hour of children’s programming. Of all the shows he had to listen to the one that grated on him the most was Barney. After coming out of the coma the man had an undying hatred of Barney because he had to endure so much of it.

I don’t know if the story is true, but it freaked me out.

So since I’m freaked out by the concept of being driven mad by a hospital TV in the event I’m ever in a coma, I have some rules for the TV just in case.

  • I would like at least one news broadcast played per day so that if I come out of my hypothetical coma I don’t have to catch up to the world.
  • If The Golden Girls is on, change the channel to that.
  • Try to play foreign language media for me as much as possible so I don’t forget my languages.
  • Please no cop dramas i.e NCIS or Law and Order. They freak me out while also boring me to death.
  • Try to play mainly sitcoms on the tv. I like Seinfeld, TGG, King of Queens, Everybody Loves Raymond, Louie, Sex and the City, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (my guilty pleasure, don’t judge me) The Simpsons (earlier seasons), and The Nanny quite a bit. I however don’t like Friends, Family Guy, The Big Bang Theory, or Cheers. Don’t play The Big Bang Theory for the love of god.
  • If Flavor of Love reruns come on, you have to play them for me. No excuses.

So that’s all that comes to mind when I think about what I’d like on the TV if I’m in a coma. Put a little reminder in your brain about this just in case.

Thank you for reading! ♡

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October 1st

*gif warning*

 

 

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It’s October everyone!

So what are we doing in October?

Despite my love of old halloween themed geocities blinkies, I actually don’t like halloween. I am a very, very easily scared person. If my mom enters the kitchen while I’m cooking I scream because just that small surprise terrifies me. When I was 8 years old I had an undying hatred of Michael Jackson because the thriller music video scared me so bad. When we go to Disney World I can’t enter the dinosaur area of Animal Kingdom because the dinosaur animatronics scare me to death. In other worlds I’m too weak for scary things.

I don’t know anybody who’s having a halloween party and I’m too old to fruitfully trick or treat, so I don’t have anywhere to wear it but…

I wanna make a halloween costume!

I’ve never made my own halloween costume, I didn’t always trick or treat or anything for halloween and when I did they would be either made by my mom or store bought. I’ve made a few (terrible) cosplays in my day (thank god there are no photos of the Equius one). So I think with enough effort I could make a costume that’s not skin-crawlingly embarassing at this point in my life.

What else do I wanna do in October?

I wanna…

  • get 70 more monthly views on my blog than September
  • try to take at least one photo every day
  • save as much money as i can from my paychecks
  • do at least 6 lessons in Mandarin and Japanese respectively
  • finish 3 more chapters of my korean textbook
  • do my acne scar routine on my chest acne scars
  • write at least 2 articles for other publications
  • send in my college application
  • write in my diary at least 20 times
  • eat at my favorite restaurant once *fingers crossed*
  • make a youtube video where I speak 0 english
  • go over my spanish (a customer came into the store who only spoke spanish and I felt so bad because I didn’t know how to tell her that the fitting rooms were full)
  • take a few OOTD pictures
  • do better at eating than in September

October also means we’re 10 months into 2018!

It feels like it was just March last week.

I’m hoping that in 2019 things will be even better. I have goals already set for 2019, but I’ll tell them to you around New Years. I’ll need some of you guy’s help achieving them so I hope you’ll pay attention to those.

October also means it’s the perfect time to use my favorite lotion!

My favorite body butter is called Carved For Attention and it’s an old limited edition perfectly posh lotion. It smells like pumpkin pie to me. I wish perfectly posh would bring it back.

So since the post is called October 1st, I’ll tell you what’s going on today, October 1st.

I sometimes like to imagine somebody reading my blog 7 years in the future and wondering what was going on in the world as I wrote these posts. SO here’s what’s going on in the world on October 1st, 2018.

The #1 trending topic on twitter is #october1st.

It’s been 1 year since the Las Vegas shooting.

A tsunami just recently hit Indonesia and Japan (my condolences for those who’ve died and unending support to those affected)

Kanye West changed his name to YE on Saturday and is doing more stupid stuff apparently.

The 73rd UN general assembly is happening as I speak. (BTS spoke there a few days ago and I’m so proud.)

The Brett Kavanaugh investigation has been elevated to an FBI investigation.

Google is supposed to drop the Pixel 3 on October 9th.

Multiple protests are going on for Muslim Detention in China.

Elon Musk may have been bought out from Tesla (I can’t really tell what’s going on)

So yeah, those are the things that come up when I look for news today. If you’re reading this far in the future please comment the date you’re reading this and the most interesting news story to you so we can keep this news of the day thing going.

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I Did It

Well everybody,

I posted every day in September.

I think by doing this I’ve gotten what I wanted out of the experiment in full.

I’ve gotten over my writers block. I’ve gotten better at setting aside time to blog. I’ve received quite a few new bog followers and readers. I think my content has improved. I’ve begun to appreciate my blog even more. I’ve made taking photos a bigger part of my life and while doing that I think my photography has gotten better.

I think I’m gonna try to maintain the habits I’ve made while blogging daily for the rest of my blogging career.

So thank you so much if you haven’t gotten annoyed by my entries, and I hope you’ll continue to read my blog!