Big Decision

A very dramatic title for a very mundane blog post about a very inconsequential decision.

I’ve decided I want to do something for the first time in my life.

Something I’ve always been afraid to do.

Something I associate with abject horror.


So what am I making a decision about?






I want to get a haircut.

Specifically, I think I want bangs.


You may be surprised learning that the idea of a haircut causes me to literally get shivers down my spine. You’re likely even more surprised that I’ve never gotten a haircut.

Let me explain.

  • my hair grows very slowly
  • I’ve technically cut my hair before (I cut a chunk off when I was 4)
  • I experienced hair loss when I was in the throes of my ED
  • I used to sometimes pull my hair out when I was younger
  • I don’t trust other people with my hair like at all
  • I’ve dyed my hair quite a bit so my scalp has likely sustained some damage

So in other words it makes sense that I wouldn’t have floor length hair after never getting a haircut in 18 years of life.

My hair is longer than it seems though.

A lot of people with straight hair don’t think about shrinkage, so I tend to surprise people when they find out I have roughly hip length hair. My hair just really scrunches up so it barely passes my shoulders when it’s dry.


I love long hair so I don’t wanna lose any length in the main body of my hair, I just maybe wanna trim off a quarter inch.

And then get bangs.

I don’t necessarily want big deal bangs, I don’t want thick heavy bangs like a lot of the girls I know with curly bangs have. I want them to be a bit similar to korean see through bangs so I only wanna cut one thin layer of curls right around my face. Plus I want longer short bits at the side of my face so I can have little hangy-outy bits when I put my hair in a ponytail like white girls do. You know what I’m talking about? You know, the little leave out bits.

Think hime cut, basically.

Bangs and dangly bits.

I’ve taken the time to graciously pin my hair to look like bangs and take an egregious number of photos of myself with fake bangs so you, my beloved readers, can best understand how I want my bangs to look.


SEE! It’s cute!
I put my name necklace on backwards so it would read correctly in photos. See how dedicated I am?
Do you see the dangly bit? Right in front of my ear.
looks cute with pigtails!
It even looks cute with this silly sheep hairstyle


See? Not so bad right?

When my mom saw my fake bangs pictures, even she admitted they look good.


So, since I am a person who comes to regret most things she does. I’ve decided I’ll give myself a few days, about a week, to really meditate on the bangs decision.

Then I’m cutting them.

I’m not sure I trust a hairdresser to give me bangs. I think a straight haired hairdresser may try to cut my hair wet or something whereas a curly haired hairdresser may try to give me the heavy bangs I said I don’t want.

Also I think it would be fun to film myself cutting my hair.

Do anything for content, am I right?

*disclaimer: don’t do anything for content*

I highly doubt that I’ll change my mind since I’ve wanted bangs for like my whole life, but I do have a genuine fear that I’ll come to regret it. With hair that grows as slowly as mine, this is kind of a permanent decision.

I’ve really been rationalizing this quite a bit.

In my mind, my hair looks bad about 6 out of 7 days of the week. So what’s one more day if this goes horribly wrong, right?

So, if you wanna, could you maybe comment and tell me what you think about my possible bangs?

I’d like to know what y’all think.


Quarter Blog Crisis

I don’t know how long I plan to have this blog but I’m having a bit of a crisis as far as my blog goes. I’m gonna call it a quarter blog crisis even though I intend to keep up my blog for longer than 4x the time I’ve had it so far. does that make sense?

I used to make really great (to me) content but recently I haven’t felt like I’m producing my best.

I’m hoping that this will be a momentary lapse in my content and not a greater indication of me failing. I think posting daily in September will maybe lead me to a point where I’m writing posts as good as or better than my former content.

It’s odd that I’m feeling especially odd about my lack of inspiration because I’ve had similar feelings before and it lead to actually good posts but I don’t think my past few posts have been good at all. I think if I power through all the bad content in my head, I can eventually make some stuff I’m proud of again.

I may try to get experimental with my content so I’ll just use this to brainstorm possible future content and you guys could tell me if any of these things sound good or awful.

  • OOTD’s
  • more Day in the Life posts
  • photo posts
  • painfully detailed descriptions of my often excruciatingly average days
  • more social commentary
  • more posts about stuff that pisses me off on twitter
  • rants
  • tutorials on my study techniques
  • weekly planning posts
  • goal oriented posts
  • more acne scar updates (people seem to love those)
  • a detailed description of what I do to reach my goals
  • maybe I’ll try to plan interesting things in my life so I can write about them?
  • morning pages
  • more recipes

I’m out of ideas. Please tell me things you wanna see on my blog because I don’t know what I’m doing right now.



if you’ve never met me in real life you may not know that i have “double joints” in my hips and knees.

today i sat with my legs crossed for about 40 minutes and my garbage knees were in so much pain.

back in february i had an episode where i hobbled for almost a month. why? my left hip popped out of its socket when i was asleep and stayed out for hours. i felt like an idiot walking on my toes because that was the only way my leg was comfortable.

i hadn’t had a problem like that since my knee hyperextended when i was about to be a freshman in high school and i hobbled for about 2 weeks then.

i really need to find something that can help with my joints and i’m scared i’ll have to start wearing  knee braces :(((((( they don’t make hip braces do they? oh my god what if i had to get a hip replacement when i’m like 30!?


that’s terrifying and i’m only making myself feel worse!

i’ll end the post before i send myself into a panic.

has anyone tried those cosequin supplements that supposedly help joints? do they work?

ok, love you bye.

please follow my blog if you wanna hear more complaining



it’s so hard to find a good personal blog

when i started my relationship with the internet, it was so easy to find people blogging about their day to day life, opinions, and interests.

nowadays it feels like every blog is carefully crafted to offer articles on a specific topic with well manicured graphics and list formatted tips.

this is not what i love about blogs.

i like to be a fly on the wall and feel like i’m making a connection with the person whose blog i’m reading (that’s why i like foxxy fay’s blog so much). it was as though every interesting person was making content online pertaining to their interestingness.

it’s the same with youtube, now almost everyone makes videos that are high definition with nice backgrounds and no missteps in speech.

now, i’m not usually one to spout “get back to the good old days” rhetoric but there is a very vocal part of me that wants to get back to the good old days of blogging when everything felt more personal.

so i guess i’ll end this post with a call to action:

if you’re a blogger maybe make a personal post and send me a link to it or if you don’t do personal blog posts whatsoever and you know a good personal blog send me a link to that.

you don’t even have to send me a link if you don’t want to but i do want to encourage others to make more personal blog posts because i swear there are people out there who want to get to know you.


thinking about jonghyun

recently i’ve been having suicidal thoughts and there’s really been one thing keeping me from acting on them.



for those of you who don’t know who jonghyun is, he’s a member of the korean boy band SHINee who recently died. from suicide.

every time i’ve gotten an urge, thinking about jonghyun has kept me from acting because ever since he died i’ve really felt what it’s like to be affected by suicide. a lot of people in my life have died from suicide. but jonghyuns death really got to me for some reason.

my relationship with shinee started in 2011 when i heard the song “Hello” for the first time. i instantly fell in love with the 5 members and ever since then, while i don’t call shinee my favorite musicians or anything, i’ve kept up with shinee and i feel a strong bond with them. i’ll never forget how i felt while watching shinee’s season of “Hello Baby” or how excited i was that they released an homage to rocky horror with “married to the music”.

most things shinee did have made me happy, but when it came out that jonghyun killed himself i felt nothing. at least for the first 6 months.

since december when he died i’ve avoided anything involving shinee or jonghyun, but today i had a strong urge to reintroduce myself to shinee.

i chose to listen to “Replay”, their first song. upon hearing the first note i immediately began sobbing uncontrollably. i continued to cry as i listened to a few more songs (Sherlock, Hello, One Of One, Lucifer), and now i don’t know how i feel.

i think i’m going to spend some more time with shinee because i feel a bit of guilt for avoiding them since jonghyun’s death, but i don’t think i can listen to any of jonghyun’s solo music for a long time.

if you could do me a favor, i would love it if you would listen to jonghyun’s song “Hallelujah” because it’s my favorite song of his and i really can’t bring myself to listen to it. he could really use the support.

ED Recovery

new development: cravings

*tell me if you like the center alignment in the comments*

i get cravings now.

they’re mainly for anything garlic and/or bread. you may have noticed an abnormality in a post i posted about a week and a half ago that i craved sourdough bread. that’s not a super new thing, i got occasional cravings even when i was very deep in my eating disorder but now they’re common.

i feel a little guilt for having cravings (ED brain) but i know i shouldn’t so i don’t respond to the guilt with action.

i think some of the cravings could be attributed to my recent change in birth control, but for the most part i like to imagine that this is a sign that i’m getting a lot better.

ED Recovery · Uncategorized

trying not to think too much about calories

calories are constantly on my mind.

in the midst of my ED one of my favorite pass times was counting calories, so i know how many calories are in just about everything i eat.

this is a pain in the ass.

every time i eat anything i’m hyperaware of how many calories are in my food. the compulsion has lessened since my time at renfrew but recently the calorie counting tendency has returned and is almost reflexive. while i was at renfrew i thought about calories as well but being on open weights helped me be sure that eating isn’t the cause of weight gain since i didn’t gain weight.

i may start weighing myself again for peace of mind but that could become compulsive.

i don’t really know what to do about this because i know i won’t magically forget how many calories are in food items any time soon and i know buying a scale won’t suddenly make me less worried about weight.

so anyways, here’s a life update:

i’ve been getting a lot of nosebleeds recently. i don’t know why i would be getting so many but i’ve gotten 3 in a week and nobody’s punched me in the face. it’s kinda cool though cause i like how it feels when the blood gushes out.

is that gross?

all of my pets are doing great. heres a picture of peanutIMG_7137.jpg

in my choir class i got a break from dancing today and we just sang all class so i didn’t have to deal with my awful dance partner so there’s a plus.


my worst habit

i have a very maladaptive, impractical, time consuming, money grubbing, gross, stupid, inexplicable habit.


i collect everything that i like.


as of right now i collect:

  • stuffed animals
  • body spray
  • eyeshadow
  • disney tsum tsums
  • jelly shoes
  • disney ufufys
  • stationary
  • grippy socks
  • vintage panties
  • lotion
  • leggings
  • floral arrangements
  • paper copies of epic poems
  • pens
  • wide legged pants
  • turtlenecks
  • and to an extent pets

i’m sure that that’s not even the whole list.

this is an awful habit that i realized i had as i left the disney store with a bag of disney ufufys and decided that that would be my newest obsession. this habit is especially insidious as i don’t even realize that i collect these things until i have an impractical amount of the items i so dearly love. and once i love them  can’t get rid of them.


am i a hoarder?



i just like so many things and can’t resist things i like so much.

one thing i’d like to comment on is how saying you collect something is looked upon so much more positively than admitting you have a hoarding problem. what’s up with that? the only difference i see between those at home museums and the houses on hoarders is that the people on hoarders don’t put up as many shelves.

i’m just gonna call myself a maximalist and live in peace with my mountains of stuff.

ED Recovery · Uncategorized

teen angst

the idea of teen angst is a little aggravating to me.

i think this concept that teenagers have angsty feelings because they’re teenagers is a little patronizing. i feel like my angst is pretty justified and so is the angst of other teenagers. it’s important to note when discussing teens that in your youth the defining characteristic of the time period is that you are experiencing firsts so while, yes, crying for days after a breakup is a lot, it is likely the first time that the teen has dealt with that issue.


that being said here’s some angst for you.


i feel very unattractive.

please don’t take this as an opportunity to compliment me because that isn’t what this post is for.

as a person who compares themselves to everyone they meet it’s hard to imagine that anyone would find me attractive, beautiful, cute, or any semblance of good looking when people like beyonce and seulgi from red velvet exist. i know that love isn’t limited but it feels like it is honestly and i wish i didn’t compare myself to everyone but i do.


it’s important to note, however, that i don’t compare every aspect of myself to others. i only compare looks. that makes me feel like i’m a super vain person and like i’m mean to others but honestly i’ve never met a person who i think is physically less attractive than me and that’s an awful feeling when life is like a competition and you’re losing. personality wise i think i’m A1 but looks wise i think i fall far below average and i know i shouldn’t compare myself to others but i do and i’ve tried to stop for years and i can’t find a way to.

yes, there’s more to life than looks but it feels like that’s my biggest inadequacy so of course i’ll obsess over looks.

the one thing i wish i got out of ed treatment is a way to stop this.


if you’ve had this issue please help me because i don’t know how to feel better.

here’s a picture of a lizard i saw the other day




what defines an existential crisis?


i think i’m having one.

i’m thinking a lot about what happens after death so i’m going to tell you my fears surrounding various possible forms of afterlife.


the most and least terrifying possibility

i like the concept that everything stops but i don’t like the idea of there being just blackness. its nice to imagine just not being conscious. absolutely nothing seems nice but what if its blackness. blackness isn’t nothingness, i don’t even know what nothingness is.



scared of both

hell is torture but in heaven what if the people up there were watching you and know your secrets.



i might like to be reincarnated as long as its continual reincarnation and my consciousness never stops existing because then i’m just left with another end of consciousness dilemma.


truman show scenario

oh my god

that would be kinda cool


i was in the matrix

also cool but then what do i do now knowing that information?


i cant think of anymore now so bye i guess

here’s a picture of me and peanut