on break

I’m blogging at work right now so this post probably won’t be my best work but whatever.

You know how I told you about that girl that used to work at my store who came in and made a scene?

She came in again today…

uuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUGH

Did she not get the hint?

But luckily she was only in the store for like 40 minutes this time and she didn’t take it upon herself to tell us how to run the store.

So on a less annoying note- well actually this annoys me too- I did my paperwork for student loans and such the other day. I’m preparing for my orientation which is in a little over a week.

Not super enthusiastic.

But what’s new?

Here’s a question:

Am I getting boring?

It feels like for the past months and a half my blog posts have been really low effort and pretty un-captivating.

I remember my September posts were so good! I want to write like that again!

I think that’s what I’m gonna really focus on for a while: making good content.

I seem to make these types of goals like 3 times a week though so who knows.

I’m gonna go now so i can do other stuff on my break.

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Big Decision

A very dramatic title for a very mundane blog post about a very inconsequential decision.

I’ve decided I want to do something for the first time in my life.

Something I’ve always been afraid to do.

Something I associate with abject horror.

 

So what am I making a decision about?

 

 

 

 

 

I want to get a haircut.

Specifically, I think I want bangs.

 

You may be surprised learning that the idea of a haircut causes me to literally get shivers down my spine. You’re likely even more surprised that I’ve never gotten a haircut.

Let me explain.

  • my hair grows very slowly
  • I’ve technically cut my hair before (I cut a chunk off when I was 4)
  • I experienced hair loss when I was in the throes of my ED
  • I used to sometimes pull my hair out when I was younger
  • I don’t trust other people with my hair like at all
  • I’ve dyed my hair quite a bit so my scalp has likely sustained some damage

So in other words it makes sense that I wouldn’t have floor length hair after never getting a haircut in 18 years of life.

My hair is longer than it seems though.

A lot of people with straight hair don’t think about shrinkage, so I tend to surprise people when they find out I have roughly hip length hair. My hair just really scrunches up so it barely passes my shoulders when it’s dry.

 

I love long hair so I don’t wanna lose any length in the main body of my hair, I just maybe wanna trim off a quarter inch.

And then get bangs.

I don’t necessarily want big deal bangs, I don’t want thick heavy bangs like a lot of the girls I know with curly bangs have. I want them to be a bit similar to korean see through bangs so I only wanna cut one thin layer of curls right around my face. Plus I want longer short bits at the side of my face so I can have little hangy-outy bits when I put my hair in a ponytail like white girls do. You know what I’m talking about? You know, the little leave out bits.

Think hime cut, basically.

Bangs and dangly bits.

I’ve taken the time to graciously pin my hair to look like bangs and take an egregious number of photos of myself with fake bangs so you, my beloved readers, can best understand how I want my bangs to look.

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SEE! It’s cute!
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I put my name necklace on backwards so it would read correctly in photos. See how dedicated I am?
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Do you see the dangly bit? Right in front of my ear.
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looks cute with pigtails!
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It even looks cute with this silly sheep hairstyle

 

See? Not so bad right?

When my mom saw my fake bangs pictures, even she admitted they look good.

 

So, since I am a person who comes to regret most things she does. I’ve decided I’ll give myself a few days, about a week, to really meditate on the bangs decision.

Then I’m cutting them.

I’m not sure I trust a hairdresser to give me bangs. I think a straight haired hairdresser may try to cut my hair wet or something whereas a curly haired hairdresser may try to give me the heavy bangs I said I don’t want.

Also I think it would be fun to film myself cutting my hair.

Do anything for content, am I right?

*disclaimer: don’t do anything for content*

I highly doubt that I’ll change my mind since I’ve wanted bangs for like my whole life, but I do have a genuine fear that I’ll come to regret it. With hair that grows as slowly as mine, this is kind of a permanent decision.

I’ve really been rationalizing this quite a bit.

In my mind, my hair looks bad about 6 out of 7 days of the week. So what’s one more day if this goes horribly wrong, right?

So, if you wanna, could you maybe comment and tell me what you think about my possible bangs?

I’d like to know what y’all think.

Quarter Blog Crisis

I don’t know how long I plan to have this blog but I’m having a bit of a crisis as far as my blog goes. I’m gonna call it a quarter blog crisis even though I intend to keep up my blog for longer than 4x the time I’ve had it so far. does that make sense?

I used to make really great (to me) content but recently I haven’t felt like I’m producing my best.

I’m hoping that this will be a momentary lapse in my content and not a greater indication of me failing. I think posting daily in September will maybe lead me to a point where I’m writing posts as good as or better than my former content.

It’s odd that I’m feeling especially odd about my lack of inspiration because I’ve had similar feelings before and it lead to actually good posts but I don’t think my past few posts have been good at all. I think if I power through all the bad content in my head, I can eventually make some stuff I’m proud of again.

I may try to get experimental with my content so I’ll just use this to brainstorm possible future content and you guys could tell me if any of these things sound good or awful.

  • OOTD’s
  • more Day in the Life posts
  • photo posts
  • painfully detailed descriptions of my often excruciatingly average days
  • more social commentary
  • more posts about stuff that pisses me off on twitter
  • rants
  • tutorials on my study techniques
  • weekly planning posts
  • goal oriented posts
  • more acne scar updates (people seem to love those)
  • a detailed description of what I do to reach my goals
  • maybe I’ll try to plan interesting things in my life so I can write about them?
  • morning pages
  • more recipes

I’m out of ideas. Please tell me things you wanna see on my blog because I don’t know what I’m doing right now.

joints

if you’ve never met me in real life you may not know that i have “double joints” in my hips and knees.

today i sat with my legs crossed for about 40 minutes and my garbage knees were in so much pain.

back in february i had an episode where i hobbled for almost a month. why? my left hip popped out of its socket when i was asleep and stayed out for hours. i felt like an idiot walking on my toes because that was the only way my leg was comfortable.

i hadn’t had a problem like that since my knee hyperextended when i was about to be a freshman in high school and i hobbled for about 2 weeks then.

i really need to find something that can help with my joints and i’m scared i’ll have to start wearing  knee braces :(((((( they don’t make hip braces do they? oh my god what if i had to get a hip replacement when i’m like 30!?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA

that’s terrifying and i’m only making myself feel worse!

i’ll end the post before i send myself into a panic.

has anyone tried those cosequin supplements that supposedly help joints? do they work?

ok, love you bye.

please follow my blog if you wanna hear more complaining

 

it’s so hard to find a good personal blog

when i started my relationship with the internet, it was so easy to find people blogging about their day to day life, opinions, and interests.

nowadays it feels like every blog is carefully crafted to offer articles on a specific topic with well manicured graphics and list formatted tips.

this is not what i love about blogs.

i like to be a fly on the wall and feel like i’m making a connection with the person whose blog i’m reading (that’s why i like foxxy fay’s blog so much). it was as though every interesting person was making content online pertaining to their interestingness.

it’s the same with youtube, now almost everyone makes videos that are high definition with nice backgrounds and no missteps in speech.

now, i’m not usually one to spout “get back to the good old days” rhetoric but there is a very vocal part of me that wants to get back to the good old days of blogging when everything felt more personal.

so i guess i’ll end this post with a call to action:

if you’re a blogger maybe make a personal post and send me a link to it or if you don’t do personal blog posts whatsoever and you know a good personal blog send me a link to that.

you don’t even have to send me a link if you don’t want to but i do want to encourage others to make more personal blog posts because i swear there are people out there who want to get to know you.

thinking about jonghyun

recently i’ve been having suicidal thoughts and there’s really been one thing keeping me from acting on them.

 

Jonghyun.

for those of you who don’t know who jonghyun is, he’s a member of the korean boy band SHINee who recently died. from suicide.

every time i’ve gotten an urge, thinking about jonghyun has kept me from acting because ever since he died i’ve really felt what it’s like to be affected by suicide. a lot of people in my life have died from suicide. but jonghyuns death really got to me for some reason.

my relationship with shinee started in 2011 when i heard the song “Hello” for the first time. i instantly fell in love with the 5 members and ever since then, while i don’t call shinee my favorite musicians or anything, i’ve kept up with shinee and i feel a strong bond with them. i’ll never forget how i felt while watching shinee’s season of “Hello Baby” or how excited i was that they released an homage to rocky horror with “married to the music”.

most things shinee did have made me happy, but when it came out that jonghyun killed himself i felt nothing. at least for the first 6 months.

since december when he died i’ve avoided anything involving shinee or jonghyun, but today i had a strong urge to reintroduce myself to shinee.

i chose to listen to “Replay”, their first song. upon hearing the first note i immediately began sobbing uncontrollably. i continued to cry as i listened to a few more songs (Sherlock, Hello, One Of One, Lucifer), and now i don’t know how i feel.

i think i’m going to spend some more time with shinee because i feel a bit of guilt for avoiding them since jonghyun’s death, but i don’t think i can listen to any of jonghyun’s solo music for a long time.

if you could do me a favor, i would love it if you would listen to jonghyun’s song “Hallelujah” because it’s my favorite song of his and i really can’t bring myself to listen to it. he could really use the support.

new development: cravings

*tell me if you like the center alignment in the comments*

i get cravings now.

they’re mainly for anything garlic and/or bread. you may have noticed an abnormality in a post i posted about a week and a half ago that i craved sourdough bread. that’s not a super new thing, i got occasional cravings even when i was very deep in my eating disorder but now they’re common.

i feel a little guilt for having cravings (ED brain) but i know i shouldn’t so i don’t respond to the guilt with action.

i think some of the cravings could be attributed to my recent change in birth control, but for the most part i like to imagine that this is a sign that i’m getting a lot better.