The Terror of Life Consumes Me, What’s New?

*trigger warning: mentions of suicide, self chastisement, general pessimism*

nothing ever goes the way i plan.

i wanted to come home from work and write out another disney post, but here i am now freaking out and feeling awful.

tomorrow is my first day of college.

i feel like i’m the worst person alive.

i’ve always hoped that i’d be successful before this time so that i can forego college in pursuit of something i actually may enjoy but here i am. i’ve failed my childhood self.

and i think i’m going to keep failing my childhood self.

i wish when i was a kid i put myself out there more.

i wish i went to more than one audition for a talent agency as a child. maybe if i had done that i’d be happy now and i wouldn’t be rocketing myself into a torturous cesspool only to leave with a useless sheet of paper and thousands of dollars of debt.

i wish i played sports as a kid so that now i could maybe have a body closer to the one i desire.

but i can’t change the past so i’m stuck in the present craving the sweet release of death.

i wouldn’t say i’m suicidal per say, i’d just say i jump to suicidal ideation faster than i should. i won’t kill myself though because that would make my mom too sad. i’ll just make her marginally less sad by continuing to be the failure i’m destined to be.

i’m constantly trying to make my life better.

i’m always making some plan for how i’m going to like my body more or develop some skill but nothing ever comes of anything i try. i think i’m setting myself up to fail. i don’t think i try hard enough at anything. i wish i wasn’t so useless.

some people are untalented but they have a great work ethic, i think i’m just untalented and lazy.

i’m not even pretty enough to coast by on looks.

i hope college isn’t the torturous process is suspect it will be, but my optimism on that front is minimal.

it sucks when you see people enjoying themselves doing things you hate.

my mom said she thinks i’d like living in a dorm because i’d have the college experience but i’m thinking there will never be any experience that i enjoy.

i think i’m gonna live the life i see so many people living where they finish school, scramble for a few years, and then work a job they hate until they die.

i always seem stuck in a limbo of self assessment.

i think i’m a painfully untalented and worthless human while also thinking i’m special in some way that could save me from a life of mediocrity.

i just have so many things to say but i don’t know if i should say them.

the thing that sucks about the internet is that whenever someone vents their negative emotions, hoards of assholes think they’re fishing for sympathy.

 

i just…

don’t understand anything yet.

i feel like i have the grasp on the world of a 7th grader.

i can never understand the tone people are speaking with. i can’t read a room. i don’t know how to talk to people. i’m socially inept.

and it’s not even cute. at this point it’s just weird because i’m an adult with the social skills of a bullied 12 year old.

and i can’t seem to find anything to enjoy nowadays.

i’ve reached a state where i can’t listen to music because i just compare myself to the musician. i think of how i can’t play any instruments well, i’m a barely passable singer, i’m not pretty, i can’t dance, i’m not even lucky.

i can enjoy my pets, but it seems like every time i interact with them i have a moment of remembering their mortality. i don’t think i’ll be able to handle their deaths if i’m in this state when it happens.

i’m having a tough time finding the motivation to study now. i just feel like i’ll never have any use for any language i could learn because i’m gonna end up living a mediocre life and never leaving the U.S.

i think i have such lofty expectations and such fairy tale like dreams that i never feel satisfied even when things go well.

i have a very specific fantasy that i’d like to marry, lose my virginity to, and never divorce the first person i date. this fantasy (that has become an expectation) is leading me to be scared to date. but of course that’s not too much of an issue because nobody ever approaches me, so i guess i’ll deal with that in the future.

that’s just one example of me basically sabotaging myself because i’m scared of things not working out 100%. 97% or god forbid 85% are nightmarish for me.

i want to stand out.

i want something to be exclusively about me.

i want people to get excited about me.

i want to draw attention.

i’ve never been an attention getter.

i’m a supporting character in my own life.

i’m not even the most important person to myself, how can i be the most important person to someone else?

but of course when i think a thought like that i dissuade myself from seeking self love because of how insufferable i find people who talk about their self love journeys and their self acceptance. that’s probably just bitterness on my part though.

i think it may seem to people who read my blog that i live my regular life for a moth doing relatively ok and then roughly once a month i have a moment of terror and write out a melodramatic blog post. i’d like to inform anyone with that impression, that that is not the case.

the feelings i express in my downer posts follow me everywhere i go, every waking moment.

when i’m out in public i scan the body of everyone i see and meticuluosly compare it to my own. when i sing to myself i think of how i’m doing whatever song i’m singing a disservice simply but uttering the lyrics. whenever i look into my planner and see the upcoming months i think of how each month will go worse than i expect which it consistently does. when i see photos of myself as a child i feel rage at my stupid self for not trying to do anything. when i have dreams about my ideal future i awaken feeling crushing emptiness at the fact that those dreams wont come true.

god, i sound like i’m on my death bed or something.

i could really keep this post going for like 10,000 words but i think i need to cry unhindered for a while. so i suppose i’ll end this here.

i’ll probably write a similarly upset post tomorrow after my classes.

ugh.

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I’m at The Terminal, also Stop Clubbing Baby Seals maybe?

Hi again!

I’m at the terminal and we board in a little over 2 hours.

I just felt a need to get this off my chest.

I saw a post on twitter that was basically saying “the seal hunt is bad” and everyone in the replies is defending the seal hunt???

Maybe I’m the *sshole, but I see no logical defense?

Most of the defenses center around “well seal meat is Inuit culture”…

.

.

.

So??????????????????

I really wanted to put the “then perish” meme in the replies but I feel like I’d get dragged through the mud so I’m gonna talk about it on my own special platform. So hahaha if anyone wants to drag me through the mud you’ll have to give me page views first.

I hate when people defend unethical actions with a guise of culture.

Who cares about your culture if you’re using it to ruin the lives of other beings?

Female genital mutilation is wrong.

Slavery is wrong.

Bashing in the heads of seals is wrong.

Poaching rhinos is wrong.

This should not be a hot take!!!

I sometimes hate associating myself with liberals because we’re so scared of offending people that we excuse atrocities. I feel like is some of the twitter leftists were alive in 1943 they’d figure out a way to say the h*locaust is ok because it’s german culture or something.

I can’t even count the number of times I’ve seen half baked hot takes about how people in food deserts need McDonalds as a source of calories… Maybe we can try to put grocery stores in those areas? Maybe we could try to make healthy food more accessible? Maybe think before you spout nonsense?

If the suggestion that you don’t do evil things is offensive, maybe you’re a sh*tty person!

Yes, the anti seal hunt activism should have more nuance and we should try to give people better options to replace murdered babies but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to club a seal to death! Are you people stupid!?

Ugh, I need to unfollow these whiny dummies or else I’m gonna go into cardiac arrest.

So now is my time.

If you think the seal hunt is a good thing:

 

oh no

I’m going to college.

Damn it.

None of this stuff felt final until today.

I’m so, so painfully terrified.

For much of my life I’ve never really thought about my future in too straight forward of terms because honestly, I thought I’d kill myself before anything important is meant to happen. Now I’m at a mental state where suicide isn’t a frequent thought, so everything seems very important.

Now I care about things like my credit score and the prospect of having children, and I’m freaking the hell out.

In the semester I’ve taken off before I eventually enter college in January, I’ve felt a combination of weight lifted off of my shoulders and a deep sense of impending doom.

The weight lifted from my shoulders is mainly caused by:

  • fewer negative social interactions
  • a lower incidence of me being in competitive situations
  • forcing myself to imagine a future in which I’m happy (a very hard task)
  • taking better care of myself (because I have the time to)

The impending sense of doom arises because:

  • It feels like I’m gonna have to go to college if I don’t want to disappoint everyone in my life.
  • I don’t want to go to college even the slightest bit.
  • I’m very good at creating apocalypse like scenarios in my mind.
  • I feel like I’m a decade behind where I should be in life by now.
  • I feel as though all passion I have for the things in life I enjoy is lessening by the day.

So where does that leave me?

Crying at my desk while typing out a blog post that’s gonna make my family mad.

It feels like it’s not safe for me to tell anyone how I feel because everyone dismisses my feelings whenever I talk about them so I’m left yelling into the void.

I should have never applied to college.

I know I won’t be able to handle being labeled a college drop out so I’m gonna have to finish this and that’s gonna leave me more than 50,000 dollars in debt most likely.

It feels like I spend more than 3 hours a day fantasizing about a hypothetical future where I’m happy and every day it feels less and less likely that that future will never come.

I have such big dreams and they’re never gonna come true.

It feels so crushing to see my future self as a failure when it really shouldn’t because I’ve failed at everything I’ve tried so far in life, so it probably wont be a new feeling.

ugh.

I’m not talented enough to make anything of myself in entertainment, I’m not smart enough to do smart people stuff, I’m not subservient enough to do office type work, I’m not pretty enough to get a sugar daddy, I’m not friendly enough to have a rich friend.

I can’t do anything so why try?

And you know what sucks the most?

The responses to this that I envision getting.

Whatever, if you can’t handle me venting about how my dreams are in shambles, you probably won’t be able to watch me fail as bad as I inevitably will.

I feel guilty about feeling as terrible as I do because things could be worse. I could be starving, I could be locked in a basement, I could’ve been murdered when I was 14. But that doesn’t change how I feel.

And how I feel is awful.

I’ll probably end up writing something similar to this for the next few blog posts so I’ll end this one here.

Thanks for reading.

Sorry I’m a downer.

When Will My Moment in the Spotlight Come?

It’s so hard to pinpoint what people like in this world.

Of course there are general things that people like, like seasoned food and not dying, but I can’t seem to find anything that I have a passion for that can really resonate with people.

I wish I was a person who could just do things for myself but honestly I think if people don’t want what I have to offer, then what I’m doing is completely worthless and as a result of that I’m worthless.

I just want people to like me for once.

Maybe that’s why nothing I do resonates with anyone. Because I’m just innately unlikable.

Ugh.

Even this entry is probably gonna be insufferable for people because they’ll think I’m fishing for compliments or pity. (please don’t leave feel good reassuring ingenuine comments on this)

I think there’s just something about me that nobody can stand. That’s why people are mean to me.

I should just stop trying to do anything and be like all the people I know who just go to college and vape all day.

They seem happier. (and they have more followers on twitter for some reason)

But of course the modicum of attention I receive now is satisfying in the moment but I want my validation to be constant.

Yesterday I watched a video from Drew Gooden about the Olsen twins and how their childhood as celebrities ruined them.

Even when I see how child stars tend to have wounded psyches, I wish I had that.

I wish I wasn’t going to every corner of the internet to try to find people who have even the slightest interest in me. I wish I had people who wanted to take pictures with me when they see me out in public. I wish I didn’t feel behind in life.

I just don’t know what to do because I know I’m not talented enough to become “mainstream famous” yet I also don’t seem to be interesting, funny, or pretty enough to get any attention on the internet.

At least I don’t when I try to express myself in any way.

I’m sure if I was one of those minimalist, marble floor, gucci slides, kardashian hair “instagram models” I could track down 1000 instagram followers pretty quickly but that aesthetic is nauseating to imagine myself partaking in.

Yesterday on twitch I was told to change my blog theme because it looks childish but what the hell do you want?

Another boring black and white minimalist website design!?
They’re everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Throw a dart at a dartboard covered in the names of bloggers and you’ll likely hit a blogger with a “sleek” “refined” blog design.

And you know what I think about those websites?

I think they’re visually displeasing, they’re unoriginal, they have no defining traits, and they feel mass-produced. But above all they are nothing like what a website dedicated to me or my image should look like.

How could anyone observe me, the way I dress, the way I speak, the images I put online and think “hmm, a sleek squarespace style website would really fit her image”!?

I’m just so angry.

I feel like an absolute unadulterated failure.

I wish and pray every day for someone to see something in me but it feels like nobody does.

I’m just the girl that works at a clothing store for all intents and purposes.

It sucks to not matter.

Ok.

Plan of action.

Goal: be relevant

I’m gonna make a very detailed list in the notes of my planner today as to how I’m gonna achieve my various goals. I don’t want anyone to know my steps because I don’t want my life to seem too planned, even though everything I do in life is very specifically planned.

Ok.

Things will be ok.

I will be happy some day.

I won’t always be a nobody.

I’ll seem interesting to someone at some point.

Some day someone will ask for a picture with me.

Some day I’ll have an audience.

I won’t die alone.

I’m trying to tell myself things to ward off the impending feeling of doom that I’ll die never having mattered.

I think I’m having a breakdown.

When I read this post it sounds super manic.

I just want attention to be honest. It feels like for my whole life I’ve always gotten so close to my moment in the spotlight but I’m always overshadowed.

I’m the understudy of the world and it sucks.

I want to be the lead, godd*mn it!

I Threw Up At Work

Ok…

I didn’t post yesterday…

I feel kinda bad about it but also I needed to gather my thoughts and take a moment because ugh.

I threw up at work the other day.

I’ll explain how I got to that point now since that’s so very vague.

So on Thursday I was an anxious mess from the moment I woke up. By the time I was supposed to be at work the anxiety had manifested into shaking and being on the verge of tears. Since I am so painfully shy and have awful social skills, I told nobody. You know, as one does.

When I walked into work I was shocked to see that my least favorite coworker was scheduled with me. I didn’t see her name on the schedule so seeing her face the moment I step through the doors was like seeing a ghost. (I really have to walk on eggshells when describing my distaste for her because while she did put in her 2 weeks notice a week ago, I still may have to work with her and she may read this. Just understand any displeasure I express is multiplied by a factor of at least 5 in my actual mind)

The moment I saw her I was pushed ever so slightly closer to full on crying but I needed money and I try to be professional so I just stayed on the other side of the store from her.

I really don’t wanna blame her for my terrible anxiety or whatever, but she was the last straw. Just a disclaimer.

So I’m doing the whole work thing, carefully monitoring wherever she was so I could always be far away from her. I get about 45 minutes into my shift and she pulls be to the back room and tells me that I’m, dressed unprofessionally. Great.

I just wanna say that I was apparently dressed unprofessionally because of my pants. My khaki palazzo pants. The khaki palazzo pants that I’ve worn to work at least 4 times.

Apparently they’re too sheer.

Am I just such an amazing actress that people can’t tell when I’m on the verge of tears or something, because that is god awful timing. I would never criticize the way someone is dressed when they just arrived somewhere that they can’t leave for 6 hours. Is that me being weird or is that me being rational because I think that’s what any person with empathy would do.

You know what? Screw it.

She says this to me like I’m a f*cking dog and expects me to be fine with it, but I’m not. I think she needs to reevaluate the way she speaks to others.

OK. Mean digression over.

So after she says this to me I go back on the floor to help customers or whatever and I burst into tears after about 10 minutes. Luckily I was just cleaning a display but still.

I just couldn’t handle the environment I was in.

I’m in full panic attack mode and I get super nauseous and I run to the restroom and vomit.

Shoutout to me for not vomiting in the middle of the floor.

Vomiting really helped calm me down but even today I’m still in a really nervous state because I’m scared I’ll get a condescending text from her or something.

I think it might be a really bad idea for me to post this but I haven’t named names and I haven’t even told anyone online where I work so I think I’m in loophole territory.

Ok.

I’ll probably post 2 entries today because I just really needed to get this off of my chest.

 

Yelling Into the Void About Beans

Sorry I haven’t been posting a ton lately, with Mel’s death and my new job I’ve been dealing with the winning combo of being sad and busy. I’ll be really trying to place more focus onto my blog so this doesn’t die off. I love writing here and I’d like to be sure that my blog stays high on my list of priorities.

I don’t know exactly what to talk about so I’ll just ramble until I find a topic.

My hips hurt quite a bit. I stand a lot at my job and I haven’t been stretching quite as religiously so my body is revolting against me. I wonder if there’s such a thing as a hip brace. I could probably make use of that. ***edit: There is such a thing***

I feel kinda delirious today. Do you ever feel like your eyes are cloudy but your sight isn’t messed up? Like it feels like my eyes are relaxing after straining. Whenever I’m delirious, I always have interesting thoughts.

Today I was thinking a lot about how a lot of people who subscribe to what I think are fad-ish diets refuse to eat legumes.

That’s the dumbest thing to me.

I get it if you don’t like how pinto beans taste or something but there are people out there who genuinely believe that beans cause kidney failure! What’s wrong with these people!?

But I can’t get too mad at them because *not to be mean* people who eat diets like paleo, whole30, and keto don’t tend to care all too much about peer reviewed research or you know… fiber… or antioxidants… or cholesterol… or vitamin c… or healthy hormone levels (unless they can talk sh*t about soy).

Like, I see people online who talk about how beans are so unhealthy yet they eat stuff like VEAL. HEART.

oh my god.

I see these carnivore diet people promoting organ meats and using tallow as lip balm but they’re worried about peanuts?

I could internally scream about this all day.

Have you ever heard someone go on about “traditional foods”?

I saw a bunch of “traditional food” people yelling in their echo chamber about how fruit is unhealthy. FRUIT!?

That’s like the most traditional thing on earth!

Do you really think we were killing goats before we were picking grapes?

ugh.

I’m gonna work myself up if I keep thinking about the diet people.

I’ll go study now.