i’ve been having some ED thoughts and urges but not a ton. my biggest urge currently is to delay meals. like when i’m due to have a meal i often find myself thinking “i can wait another 30 minutes”.
recently i’ve been having snacks which is new. they’ve been very low calorie (i know i should avoid thinking so hard about calories but its an almost decade old habit) such as seaweed. i still feel accomplished for being able to eat when i feel like it sometimes.
my morning walks have been about 30 minutes lately and i think they’re really helping. i feel accomplished and more enthusiastic when i get home from my walks. it’s also been helping with my daily stretches to warm up so much beforehand.
the other day i weighed myself for the first time in a while and it made me feel bad. i knew it would before i got on the scale but i still did it anyways. i lost 9 pounds since the last time i weighed myself but i think it’s been because of my fevers and walking so much in austin. i am very aware of my weight at all times and i have been since i was like 6 so there’s nothing new but i feel like i’m bad at recovery because of it nowadays.
i shouldn’t think about it the way that i do but i combat the “bad at recovery” thought by saying things to myself along the lines of “well at least you aren’t hospitalized” or “other people spend way longer than you in php and iop so you’re fine”. i feel like a sadist when i think those thoughts.
i’ve been eating the same meals over and over again when i’m home but it’s mainly because i don’t feel super creative as of lately. like, in general i’ve felt unaccomplished (with the exception of my walks) and generally sucky when it comes to my abilities. that’s one of the big motivators for my ed behaviors so i’m a bit scared of relapsing. but i’m always scared of relapsing so it’s nothing new.
so… i’m out of thoughts.
i don’t feel comfortable writing personal posts right now because of the backlash i’ve received for my last post. i think with my current mental state (sad, slightly suicidal, terrified of the future) i shouldn’t post anything to encourage the people in my life to respond negatively.
so i’m declaring this upcoming week the week of vapidity.
i won’t be posting any personal thoughts, opinions, or feelings on this platform so as to prevent negative comments, arguments, and preaching in response to my posts.
look forward to:
- talking about animals
- discussion of boy bands
- no actual emotional substance
if you want anything of substance maybe avoid my blog for a while.
if you are actually interested in my life, too bad. i guess you’ll have to wait until everyone can realize that self aggrandizement is not encouraged on my blog.
while i’m here i’m going to thank my mom again for buying me my domain. thanks mom, i love you.
have a nice day.
*tell me if you like the center alignment in the comments*
i get cravings now.
they’re mainly for anything garlic and/or bread. you may have noticed an abnormality in a post i posted about a week and a half ago that i craved sourdough bread. that’s not a super new thing, i got occasional cravings even when i was very deep in my eating disorder but now they’re common.
i feel a little guilt for having cravings (ED brain) but i know i shouldn’t so i don’t respond to the guilt with action.
i think some of the cravings could be attributed to my recent change in birth control, but for the most part i like to imagine that this is a sign that i’m getting a lot better.
this is gonna be a short post since ill be writing about actually graduating later today.
im very excited. i kinda wanna cry because im not sure if im ready to return to the “real world.”
today i plan on looking cute so im wearing my black turtleneck, black heeled jellies and my lavender wide leg pants (for the 4walls effect) and a decent face of makeup.
im sad that my friends are in school so i cant invite them to my graduation ceremony but ill be fine because my moms gonna be there and thats what matters most.
i dont know how i feel.
i think ill continue to eat in a healthy way but ill always have an eating disorder and thats what saddens me.
tomorrows post will be even more in depth about how treatment was since ill probably be feeling nostalgic about the three and a half months i spent there. but today ill just talk about the results ive gotten from treatment… in list form!
- i only body check 3-4 times a day rather than roughly every 30 minutes like i did at the beginning of treatment
- i have more fun doing less
- im less nervous when im alone
- ive come to terms with the fact that im a bit of an attention seeker
- my language skills have improved since ive had more study time
- i eat now
- i dont gorge myself on water before each meal
- i am less afraid of scales
- my self care routine is better
- i wake up less at night and dont have as many nightmares
- i maintain a weight rather than suddenly losing 7 pounds in a few days then gaining it back in the same amount of time
- i have body parts that i like now (my eyes, my legs, my hair, my hands)
- just to reiterate: i eat consistently now
for the past few days ive referred to my eating disorder as a separate person.
it was uneventful.
iev realized that i dont really refer to my eating disorder often. i also have learned that it doesnt change how i feel about my ed– i still hate it.
i have realized after thinking about what it would be like if an ed was a person taunting me that i should be a bit more self compassionate. i don’t have a tendency to be nice to myself (surprise), but i do think that ive improved in self compassion through ed treatment. this experiment has served as a good form of exposure therapy where ive developed more comfort rather than habit with self compassion. you know what i mean? like ive had a habit of self compassion but it hasnt been super genuine until this experiment.
maybe referring to your ed as a person is a good idea as exposure therapy because i really believe that i benefited from this.
heres a picture of me petting a donkey
am i black enough?
thats been a question ive had for my whole life. i identtify as multiracial when given the option but when, for example, i have to check boxes on standardized tests like the ACT (which i got a 35 on),i have always chosen black.
am i wrong for that?
i’ve learned that to some, i am.
i’ve discovered a youtube channel called chrissie and her comments have made me question my whole life.
i’m not totally sure if i agree with her opinions on whether i fit blood quantum but i will admit that i agree with the majority of her statements. dark skinned black women do in fact deserve positive representation where they aren’t masculinized, interracial relationships need to be looked at through a nuanced lens, many lighter skinned people do have subconscious feelings of superiority over their darker skinned counterparts. the only thing shes said that i have any dissent toward are her statements that multiracial people are allies to black issues rather than bonafide black people. and i’m not totally sure if that’s even what she means.
i don’t know…
what’s your opinion?
my mom got her tax return and you know what that means
we spent a f*ckton of money on things we don’t necessarily need
my mom let me order about $170 of clothing from fashion nova and i’m a little nervous about trying on the clothes. i got a few pairs of jeans even so even if i didn’t have an ed i’d be nervous.
don’t get me wrong i’m super excited because i (a) love shopping and (b) love wearing cute stuff. i just really hope everything fits right.
fashion nova please sponsor me
if you’re really interested in eating disorders for whatever reason you may have, you’ve likely heard of life without ed. essentially the author describes her eating disorder experience through the lens of an abusive relationship with “ed”. i’ve been thinking about this book for that past 2 days or so.
i don’t know how i feel about the concept of this book.
i can see how it would be a good way of expressing your eating disorder to another person who’s inexperienced, however i don’t think the book is really meant for those dealing with an eating disorder.
i like to believe that my eating disorder is an extension of myself but a part of myself that expresses herself poorly and just needs coping mechanisms that are actually healthy.
but maybe it could be beneficial for my treatment to see my ed as a separate person from myself, so as an experiment i’m going to refer to it separately from myself for the rest of this week.
& since i’m going to name my eating disorder i’ll name it capitalism because of course i will.
here’s a picture of me for the road