I’ve been out and about from sunrise to sunset for the past few days so I haven’t taken the time to write out a blog entry, but my mom and I are waiting for a dinner reservation right now so I figured I’d write.
I really don’t like sentimental mumbo jumbo, so this probably won’t be some grand reflection on the year. I just wanna write out my thoughts.
I’m so happy to be where I am. I tend to not enjoy most things celebrational because I tend to have pretty unexceptional celebrations. But I’m at disney world right now!!
I’m 100% the type of person to make new years resolutions (which I already wrote out in october because duh), and I just thought of a new one.
I want to celebrate stuff next year.
This whole year I haven’t done anything to celebrate anything other than blog posts. I didn’t have a birthday party, I took a nap after my graduation ceremony.
Yeah, I think I want to get excited about stuff in 2019.
That’s my last entry of 2018.
Let’s end this with what- in my opinion- is the best photo of me this year.
i’ve been having some ED thoughts and urges but not a ton. my biggest urge currently is to delay meals. like when i’m due to have a meal i often find myself thinking “i can wait another 30 minutes”.
recently i’ve been having snacks which is new. they’ve been very low calorie (i know i should avoid thinking so hard about calories but its an almost decade old habit) such as seaweed. i still feel accomplished for being able to eat when i feel like it sometimes.
my morning walks have been about 30 minutes lately and i think they’re really helping. i feel accomplished and more enthusiastic when i get home from my walks. it’s also been helping with my daily stretches to warm up so much beforehand.
the other day i weighed myself for the first time in a while and it made me feel bad. i knew it would before i got on the scale but i still did it anyways. i lost 9 pounds since the last time i weighed myself but i think it’s been because of my fevers and walking so much in austin. i am very aware of my weight at all times and i have been since i was like 6 so there’s nothing new but i feel like i’m bad at recovery because of it nowadays.
i shouldn’t think about it the way that i do but i combat the “bad at recovery” thought by saying things to myself along the lines of “well at least you aren’t hospitalized” or “other people spend way longer than you in php and iop so you’re fine”. i feel like a sadist when i think those thoughts.
i’ve been eating the same meals over and over again when i’m home but it’s mainly because i don’t feel super creative as of lately. like, in general i’ve felt unaccomplished (with the exception of my walks) and generally sucky when it comes to my abilities. that’s one of the big motivators for my ed behaviors so i’m a bit scared of relapsing. but i’m always scared of relapsing so it’s nothing new.
i don’t feel comfortable writing personal posts right now because of the backlash i’ve received for my last post. i think with my current mental state (sad, slightly suicidal, terrified of the future) i shouldn’t post anything to encourage the people in my life to respond negatively.
so i’m declaring this upcoming week the week of vapidity.
i won’t be posting any personal thoughts, opinions, or feelings on this platform so as to prevent negative comments, arguments, and preaching in response to my posts.
look forward to:
talking about animals
discussion of boy bands
no actual emotional substance
if you want anything of substance maybe avoid my blog for a while.
if you are actually interested in my life, too bad. i guess you’ll have to wait until everyone can realize that self aggrandizement is not encouraged on my blog.
while i’m here i’m going to thank my mom again for buying me my domain. thanks mom, i love you.
*tell me if you like the center alignment in the comments*
i get cravings now.
they’re mainly for anything garlic and/or bread. you may have noticed an abnormality in a post i posted about a week and a half ago that i craved sourdough bread. that’s not a super new thing, i got occasional cravings even when i was very deep in my eating disorder but now they’re common.
i feel a little guilt for having cravings (ED brain) but i know i shouldn’t so i don’t respond to the guilt with action.
i think some of the cravings could be attributed to my recent change in birth control, but for the most part i like to imagine that this is a sign that i’m getting a lot better.
my beautiful grey kitty london died today at about noon. im inconsolable so i need to vent or whatever this post is. as i write this im crying and waiting to get her cremated. im gonna tell you all about her:
i got her when i was 5 and i dont have any memories where she wasnt in my life.
she and her sister always fought
shes so pretty with soft grey hair and shiny green eyes
when she slept in my bed she would sleep right near my head
she was the floppiest cat ive ever held
she loved water as long as she wasnt being bathed; she loved playing in faucets, getting in the shower right after id gotten out, and occasionally playing in the toilet
she rarely meowed
she loved to hide inside paper bags
whenever i’d reach to pet her she’d lean into my hand
i truly believe she loved me. im so sad i dont have a lot of pictures of her but here are a few of them
she was so affectionate, her and her sister are truly the perfect cats for me and i hope i get to see london again in some way