i’ve been having some ED thoughts and urges but not a ton. my biggest urge currently is to delay meals. like when i’m due to have a meal i often find myself thinking “i can wait another 30 minutes”.
recently i’ve been having snacks which is new. they’ve been very low calorie (i know i should avoid thinking so hard about calories but its an almost decade old habit) such as seaweed. i still feel accomplished for being able to eat when i feel like it sometimes.
my morning walks have been about 30 minutes lately and i think they’re really helping. i feel accomplished and more enthusiastic when i get home from my walks. it’s also been helping with my daily stretches to warm up so much beforehand.
the other day i weighed myself for the first time in a while and it made me feel bad. i knew it would before i got on the scale but i still did it anyways. i lost 9 pounds since the last time i weighed myself but i think it’s been because of my fevers and walking so much in austin. i am very aware of my weight at all times and i have been since i was like 6 so there’s nothing new but i feel like i’m bad at recovery because of it nowadays.
i shouldn’t think about it the way that i do but i combat the “bad at recovery” thought by saying things to myself along the lines of “well at least you aren’t hospitalized” or “other people spend way longer than you in php and iop so you’re fine”. i feel like a sadist when i think those thoughts.
i’ve been eating the same meals over and over again when i’m home but it’s mainly because i don’t feel super creative as of lately. like, in general i’ve felt unaccomplished (with the exception of my walks) and generally sucky when it comes to my abilities. that’s one of the big motivators for my ed behaviors so i’m a bit scared of relapsing. but i’m always scared of relapsing so it’s nothing new.
i don’t feel comfortable writing personal posts right now because of the backlash i’ve received for my last post. i think with my current mental state (sad, slightly suicidal, terrified of the future) i shouldn’t post anything to encourage the people in my life to respond negatively.
so i’m declaring this upcoming week the week of vapidity.
i won’t be posting any personal thoughts, opinions, or feelings on this platform so as to prevent negative comments, arguments, and preaching in response to my posts.
look forward to:
talking about animals
discussion of boy bands
no actual emotional substance
if you want anything of substance maybe avoid my blog for a while.
if you are actually interested in my life, too bad. i guess you’ll have to wait until everyone can realize that self aggrandizement is not encouraged on my blog.
while i’m here i’m going to thank my mom again for buying me my domain. thanks mom, i love you.
*tell me if you like the center alignment in the comments*
i get cravings now.
they’re mainly for anything garlic and/or bread. you may have noticed an abnormality in a post i posted about a week and a half ago that i craved sourdough bread. that’s not a super new thing, i got occasional cravings even when i was very deep in my eating disorder but now they’re common.
i feel a little guilt for having cravings (ED brain) but i know i shouldn’t so i don’t respond to the guilt with action.
i think some of the cravings could be attributed to my recent change in birth control, but for the most part i like to imagine that this is a sign that i’m getting a lot better.
my beautiful grey kitty london died today at about noon. im inconsolable so i need to vent or whatever this post is. as i write this im crying and waiting to get her cremated. im gonna tell you all about her:
i got her when i was 5 and i dont have any memories where she wasnt in my life.
she and her sister always fought
shes so pretty with soft grey hair and shiny green eyes
when she slept in my bed she would sleep right near my head
she was the floppiest cat ive ever held
she loved water as long as she wasnt being bathed; she loved playing in faucets, getting in the shower right after id gotten out, and occasionally playing in the toilet
she rarely meowed
she loved to hide inside paper bags
whenever i’d reach to pet her she’d lean into my hand
i truly believe she loved me. im so sad i dont have a lot of pictures of her but here are a few of them
she was so affectionate, her and her sister are truly the perfect cats for me and i hope i get to see london again in some way
i think ill continue to eat in a healthy way but ill always have an eating disorder and thats what saddens me.
tomorrows post will be even more in depth about how treatment was since ill probably be feeling nostalgic about the three and a half months i spent there. but today ill just talk about the results ive gotten from treatment… in list form!
i only body check 3-4 times a day rather than roughly every 30 minutes like i did at the beginning of treatment
i have more fun doing less
im less nervous when im alone
ive come to terms with the fact that im a bit of an attention seeker
my language skills have improved since ive had more study time
i eat now
i dont gorge myself on water before each meal
i am less afraid of scales
my self care routine is better
i wake up less at night and dont have as many nightmares
i maintain a weight rather than suddenly losing 7 pounds in a few days then gaining it back in the same amount of time
i have body parts that i like now (my eyes, my legs, my hair, my hands)