i dont know how i feel.
i think ill continue to eat in a healthy way but ill always have an eating disorder and thats what saddens me.
tomorrows post will be even more in depth about how treatment was since ill probably be feeling nostalgic about the three and a half months i spent there. but today ill just talk about the results ive gotten from treatment… in list form!
- i only body check 3-4 times a day rather than roughly every 30 minutes like i did at the beginning of treatment
- i have more fun doing less
- im less nervous when im alone
- ive come to terms with the fact that im a bit of an attention seeker
- my language skills have improved since ive had more study time
- i eat now
- i dont gorge myself on water before each meal
- i am less afraid of scales
- my self care routine is better
- i wake up less at night and dont have as many nightmares
- i maintain a weight rather than suddenly losing 7 pounds in a few days then gaining it back in the same amount of time
- i have body parts that i like now (my eyes, my legs, my hair, my hands)
- just to reiterate: i eat consistently now
for the past few days ive referred to my eating disorder as a separate person.
it was uneventful.
iev realized that i dont really refer to my eating disorder often. i also have learned that it doesnt change how i feel about my ed– i still hate it.
i have realized after thinking about what it would be like if an ed was a person taunting me that i should be a bit more self compassionate. i don’t have a tendency to be nice to myself (surprise), but i do think that ive improved in self compassion through ed treatment. this experiment has served as a good form of exposure therapy where ive developed more comfort rather than habit with self compassion. you know what i mean? like ive had a habit of self compassion but it hasnt been super genuine until this experiment.
maybe referring to your ed as a person is a good idea as exposure therapy because i really believe that i benefited from this.
heres a picture of me petting a donkey
am i black enough?
thats been a question ive had for my whole life. i identtify as multiracial when given the option but when, for example, i have to check boxes on standardized tests like the ACT (which i got a 35 on),i have always chosen black.
am i wrong for that?
i’ve learned that to some, i am.
i’ve discovered a youtube channel called chrissie and her comments have made me question my whole life.
i’m not totally sure if i agree with her opinions on whether i fit blood quantum but i will admit that i agree with the majority of her statements. dark skinned black women do in fact deserve positive representation where they aren’t masculinized, interracial relationships need to be looked at through a nuanced lens, many lighter skinned people do have subconscious feelings of superiority over their darker skinned counterparts. the only thing shes said that i have any dissent toward are her statements that multiracial people are allies to black issues rather than bonafide black people. and i’m not totally sure if that’s even what she means.
i don’t know…
what’s your opinion?
my mom got her tax return and you know what that means
we spent a f*ckton of money on things we don’t necessarily need
my mom let me order about $170 of clothing from fashion nova and i’m a little nervous about trying on the clothes. i got a few pairs of jeans even so even if i didn’t have an ed i’d be nervous.
don’t get me wrong i’m super excited because i (a) love shopping and (b) love wearing cute stuff. i just really hope everything fits right.
fashion nova please sponsor me
if you’re really interested in eating disorders for whatever reason you may have, you’ve likely heard of life without ed. essentially the author describes her eating disorder experience through the lens of an abusive relationship with “ed”. i’ve been thinking about this book for that past 2 days or so.
i don’t know how i feel about the concept of this book.
i can see how it would be a good way of expressing your eating disorder to another person who’s inexperienced, however i don’t think the book is really meant for those dealing with an eating disorder.
i like to believe that my eating disorder is an extension of myself but a part of myself that expresses herself poorly and just needs coping mechanisms that are actually healthy.
but maybe it could be beneficial for my treatment to see my ed as a separate person from myself, so as an experiment i’m going to refer to it separately from myself for the rest of this week.
& since i’m going to name my eating disorder i’ll name it capitalism because of course i will.
here’s a picture of me for the road
my bullet journal has a few bites taken out of it.
in my bullet journal, a few tracking systems have really aided in my consistency with a few of the things expected of me in treatment.
my habit tracker is set up as a grid with each row representing a task and each column representing a day. on my tracker i include “eat 3 meals” and “attempt self care” to incentivize completing those tasks (since the tracker is so much cuter if you fill in all the boxes).
water and sleep trackers
in each weekly layout i include a water and sleep tracker so that on my assessments at renfrew i can be sure that i’ve gotten adequate sleep/water.
i have another grid setup in which i chronicle my overall mood for a day. this helps me so that if i forget to fill out my EDA (ed depression and anxiety chart) i can have a general guess of how the past day(s) have been.
having a diary space in my bullet journal helps me to have topics to journal about on my arc forms for renfrew.
so i have ADD (could you tell?). because of my ADD i’m on a prescription for adderall. i noticed today after taking it for the first time in a few weeks that it really suppresses my appetite.
i don’t know if i should be ok with that.
i like my adderall because it’s one of the only things that helps me focus but it may become a hindrance once i’m not in a situation where my mealtimes are concrete.
should i talk to someone about possibly getting off of adderall?
if anyone else who has gone through ed recovery and has taken adderall could help me with this that would be astounding .