February

Well…

I quit my job.

I actually quit back on the 18th, but I had to wait for my 2 weeks to finish off before I felt comfortable doing this.

I have a handful of reasons as to why I quit, but basically I didn’t feel I was being paid enough for the amount of responsibility I was given and the prospect of a raise was not in sight among other things.

I’m gonna take some time to be a full time student while I adjust to college life and I’m quite enthused about it. I feel like when I was working at my former job, my growth as a person was being stunted.

I felt like I didn’t have anywhere to be fully expressive for fear of a coworker being upset by me (even though I don’t say anything about them) or that I literally didn’t have time.

Since I put in my 2 weeks notice, I’ve been adjusting my inner clock to times where I’m most productive. I’m my best from about 8:00 to 11:00 in the morning, so staying up until like midnight every night because I had to eat dinner, do my skincare, and generally do the things I can’t do during the day was making me feel like garbage.

I’ve also found that with the shorter class times and fewer work hours, college isn’t quite as awful as high school academically speaking. Socially speaking I’m still in purgatory, but what’s new about that?

If you’ve been around since the summer, you may remember when I would take a walk every morning. I think I’m gonna do that again. I quite enjoyed the time outdoors and the motion, so I think that’ll be enriching.

I think telling the world all of my plans may hinder my ability to actually reach my goals, so I won’t be publicizing all the moves I have planned, but I have some hopes.

I’d like to post every day on here like I did in September, try to get back into photography, hopefully study more (I’ve stagnated), and just generally get back to my productivity level of the past.

Yeah, not much else to say.

Thanks for reading!

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January 28th, 2019

Hi there!

I haven’t written anything about my inner workings in a while. I’ve written about stuff I did and existential terror, but nothing super mundane.

So I’m just going to write in a semi-stream-of-conscience style until I’m worn out.


I’m a few weeks into college. I don’t like it honestly, no surprise there. I don’t feel much motivation in general right now. I feel like I’m waiting for something, but I don’t know what that something is. It’s like when you’re sick and you say you’ll d something when you feel better, but right now I feel fine yet I’m not doing much.

I’m doing what I need to get by, but I don’t think anything in my life is progressing.

I’ll write on that more in the near future.


My bullet journal is almost full.

Um… Not much else to say about it.


Posh and Samoa have been annoying me. They’ve developed a habit of scream-barking at me whenever I’m standing. If I’m sitting on the couch or my mom’s bed they’re fine (I use the term fine extremely loosely), but if I’m walking down the hallway or cooking in the kitchen they bark like they’re being tortured.

It’s upsetting.

Did I tell everyone that Samoa got neutered? I think I did. I hope he chills out once he’s less hormonal. He’s so… intense. He’s pushy and mean and he doesn’t understand that we don’t want him to bite at our faces. :/ Let’s cross our fingers, I guess.


OK.

I was planning on not talking about this until it’s finalized, but I’m sick of being secretive.

I quit my job.

So where does that leave me?

Well, I’m going to take a while before getting back to work so that I can adjust fully to college and hopefully find some margin of fulfillment in my life. As one does.

I’m thinking I’ll spend February focusing on self improvement and getting my life together.

I can’t figure out what it was in my life that was going well at that time, but back in September I felt like my life was improving all around. I’m trying to reflect and hopefully replicate that.

I’m kind of in a weird space where I don’t feel like anything is happening, yet I’m expectant of something. Sometimes it’s the times when you don’t feel change that change is happening, though so I’ll hold out.

I’ll make a dedicated post about this later, but I’m hoping to gain some momentum.


 

I’m running out of steam, so I’ll leave you guys with a picture of Peanut.

IMG_7686
I nudged her awake to take this. She looks good when she wakes up, wish that were me.

 

 

 

Library Card

I really like it when my blog posts have short, original titles. I have a weird fear of running out of names for my blog entries, so it’s… comforting.

I got a library card today.

I think I would have gotten one earlier, but I’d be a liar if I said I knew where my nearest public library was before last week. I thought it was like a 20 minute drive away, but it’s nearer!

I went to the public library today because I needed to do an online quiz for my math course and the system they use doesn’t run on Chrome OS. So I needed to track down a windows or mac computer.

My mom and I were out anyway because we had appointments at the optometrist (new glasses soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), so we went to the library.

To use the computers at the library they charge you a dollar for each use, but you have free access with a library card and the library cards are free so I figured I’ll get a card and use my dollar for maybe… I don’t know… A bag of twizzlers at the dollar tree? I’ll figure it out later.

I was riding the high or being an intellectual with a library card, but then my day was stifled because the PCs at the library weren’t compatible with the quiz software. 😦

So we went home and thank god for my moms friend because she logged onto my account on her computer up in MAINE and put in my answers for me while I told her which ones over the phone! YAY! (thank you if you’re reading this, i didn’t use your name because i like people to have anonymity unless i get their permission)

Today was over all a success.

I had a nice study session, I took selfies with Maddie, I had a wonderful conversation with the optometrist, and I got a library card! Plus I got a 100% on my quiz!

Oh you wanna see my selfies with Maddie? Here’s one!

IMG_7613

BTW: I’m feeling better. Haven’t puked in a few days. Still feel weird inside my head, I feel residual fever for like 2 weeks. :/

Edit: I forgot to mention it in the entry at first, but I’m still very satisfied with my labrary card because guess what? They have a big anthology of Junji Ito’s Tomie!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I’ve only ever read it online! I wanna read it on paper so bad!!!

Well, Here We Go

I sent in my college application today.

I’m scared now. Not of my ability to be accepted (my SAT score warrants automatic admission) but of the college experience™. 

I’ve harped on about it many times that I don’t think college will be a good experience for me, but now it feels super real.

In my application, I said I wanted to major in Linguistics. I don’t know if that’s actually what I want to major in, but I had to select a major for the application. I think when I’m further in the college process I’m gonna talk to a counselor about double majoring in linguistics and music. Those are my two things so I think it would be best for me to not have to make that decision.

I’m really happy that I got the application in before the priority deadline. I wanna get all the administrative stuff out of the way as soon as possible so I can think about school as little as possible.

I’ve never been a person that liked school. I think the classes are always far too slow paced, I hate doing assignments (I love studying though), I am terrible at working in groups, I’ve always felt like a background character in my classmates lives, I’m pretty bad at approaching people and apparently I come across as cold so people are scared to approach me so I have a hard time making real life friends, I’m not a big fan of events, and I’m scared of authority.

So in other words I’m a good test taker.

I’m so lucky that I’m good at not succumbing to peer pressure. Almost all of my high school friends are already drinking and vaping and doing whatever else. I hope I don’t get into that stuff. I think I have a far too addictive personality if I tried stuff like alcohol or tobacco I’d probably get addicted.

I’m trying to make as much content as I can right now before I get ruined by the likely stress of college. I wanna make blogging and creation a seamless part of my life so that this wont fall by the wayside once I’m inundated by assignments and stuff.

I’m gonna focus on my Russian a little bit more before starting college because I’d like for my foreign language in school to be Russian and I think it’d be cool to test out of at least my first Russian course. I know I could easily test out of Korean but I wanna have a good reason to push myself in Russian anyway because I’ve been slacking. It kinda sucks how far behind I am in Russian because it was my first real foreign language other than Spanish (which I don’t count because where I live Spanish is kind of a prerequisite).

I hope I don’t live to regret this.

It’s College Application Time

hmmm…

It’s another day where I don’t know what to write.

It’s raining outside.

Oh, you know what?

I’m starting my application to college soon. The deadline for the spring semester is October 15th so I’m gonna fill it out early just to get ahead.

*warning, family members don’t get mad at the upcoming content please*

I’m honestly not enthused about the idea of college (surprising, I know), but I don’t wanna disappoint anyone so I might as well plunge myself into debt to avoid stigma.

Right?

I hope that when I’m in college, I have a big break early on so I can have a good excuse to leave because I have a strong suspicion that it will be pure torture for me.

I know that people say you attract what you expect and stuff but I can’t think of any things about college that I would find enjoyable.

Maybe I’ll force myself to finish college so I can be one of those *ssholes that holds their degree over other people’s heads and acts as though spending thousands of dollars to get a title makes you better than anyone else. I think I’ll do that, honestly. I don’t think I wanna be called a college dropout.

Most of my high school friends are in college and honestly looking at their twitters strikes fear into my heart. All they do is complain about the price of textbooks and talk about smoking various substances in cars.

I think I’ll just come and go for classes and nothing else.

I better be successful in life because I don’t wanna die in debt.

Maybe I’ll just use my time in college to get pretty. That’s what everyone else seems to do. They become good-looking and develop addictions.

Is that too mean?

hmm… what else…

I don’t know what I wanna major in.

I want to go into music but I don’t believe I’m talented enough to be successful in music while I also wanna study linguistics because that seems like the easy route but I don’t wanna be a person that gave up on their dreams. ugh.

It makes you feel like a failure when you have friends who not only know what they wanna major in but have entire career paths planned. I know a girl who wants to be a gynecologist! I just want attention!

haha, what if I was the valedictorian?

That would be so awful. There are people who dream of college and stuff and someone like me usurps them. It would never happen because I’m stupid, but that’s a funny thing to imagine. The smart kids would murder me.

At my high school graduation, the valedictorian mispronounced compilation. Honestly that’s proof that school is just about playing the game, so none of those superlatives matter. sorry valedictorians.

OK, at this point I’m just being mean so I’ll end this post here.

new study plans

i’ve been slacking on my studying since i came back from virginia.

so i’ve decided that i should tell you all about my study plans of the rest of the summer so i can have some accountability.

  • i will study at least 20 minutes daily
  • i will vary the languages which i study by the day so i don’t stagnate in any language
  • i will speak along as i take notes to improve my speaking skills and pronunciation
  • i will do handwriting practice following each note taking session
  • i will review past lessons at least 4x per week
  • i will post my weekly study logs

so maybe if you want you could also discuss your study plans or follow mine and we can motivate each other.

yay! let’s all get smarter!

i’ve been on the verge of tears for 3 days straight. how about you?

i’m sick of not writing about how i feel out of a fear of a barrage of people i know in real life berating me so if you’re a person i know this post may not be for you.

i have felt like crying every waking moment for the past 3 days.

isn’t that wonderful?

it’s because i feel like the expectations placed on me are far too high and i’m also not receiving much of any support.

ever since i used my first big word as a child i’ve been labeled “gifted” and because of this i am expected to:

  • go to college
  • get large scholarships for college
  • do everything myself yet also ask for help when i need it
  • go into STEM (*vomit*)
  • have 15 “good reasons” before making any decision
  • make a lot of money and support my mother by a very young age
  • be willing to give up on doing things i enjoy yet also follow my dreams

i don’t feel that any of these expectations are unique to me but i do feel as though nobody i know expresses concern about them.

i guess i will.

college

i don’t wish to go

no shocker if you’ve read what is sadly my most popular post it was supposed to be a throw away post but whatever

i’m gonna because i feel that if i don’t i’ll be disowned but trust me

every. step. will. be. reluctant.

there has never been a time in my life where i have genuinely, in my heart wanted to go to college; only times when i was a better actor.

i have for years put on a happy face and made up plans about what i’ll do in college but never have they been something that sounds appealing to me.

i have literally contemplated suicide because of this yet people still seem an urge to do the “tough love” thing. it is my belief that tough love is gentle hate and it does absolutely nothing to motivate me and in fact makes me feel scared to express myself and to make decisions.

that’s why i haven’t really posted about this topic since i received an onslaught of very depressing comments from family members and friends of my mother even though it has been on the forefront of my mind.

 

scholarships

i’m good at tests and pretty much nothing else as far as school is concerned.

that’s why i got 2 AP scholar with distinction awards and placed in the 98th and 99th percentile for the SAT and ACT respectively yet i didn’t even place in the top 20% of my graduating class.

i don’t believe that they love low achievers who answer questions well. sadly they want someone well rounded nowadays and i am the opposite of that.

whatever, i’ll just deal with crippling debt

be independent but not too independent

i wish people would make up their minds on this one

as a barely social person i am a strong believer in “if you want something done right, do it yourself” but for some reason when i express this ideal i’m told i’m immature.

you know what’s immature?

contradicting yourself.

go into STEM

i have no interest.

“give me a good reason”

i tend to give a disclaimer before making any stance i have known because in my lived experience, people seem to react in a very horrified manner when i have emotions or opinions.

i have nobody to blame but myself for this one because for my whole life i’ve been scared to talk about feelings because i’m so shy. now after going through therapy and being constantly told to speak my mind it’s jarring for people who for the duration of knowing me didn’t know that i experience the full range of human emotions because i was scared they’ll yell at me for it.

well now they do yell at me for it so… hypothesis: correct.

but for some reason in spite of my instinctive disclaimers, it’s as if people don’t hear me give any reasoning for my decisions.

i think people just refuse to listen but whatever.

make a lot of money and support your mom

people say this right before telling me to do something that will almost inevitably put me into debt that will prevent me from supporting my mother but it’s me that’s contrarian.

give up but do what makes you happy

i don’t wanna be the bearer of bad news but going into political science will not make me happy.

you know what my sources of joy in this world are?

  • my pets
  • seeing that my abilities (language, flexibility, handwriting, etc) have improved
  • knowing that Jonghyun would want me to live
  • singing

that’s all that comes to mind and i meditated on that list for a solid 25 minutes

so if you want me to give up on my dream of singing, don’t pretend you care about my happiness

 

so now that i’ve spent over an hour typing out all of that, what do i do with these feelings?

well i’m gonna

  • go to college and not be happy about it
  • do everything myself because i’m the only one who can do thongs right for myself and also out of spite
  • try my best to sing for a living
  • never go into stem *shutters thinking about it*
  • only contemplate suicide but never go through with it because Jonghyun wouldn’t want that
  • have a good cry tonight probably, maybe a good yell at myself
  • cut some people out of my life
  • remind people that i’m going to college so they won’t lecture me about wasting my potential
  • maybe write more emotional posts like this because i’m sick of censoring myself so people don’t yell at me. i’ve given up so yell all you want

i just wanna make it known for like the 4th time in this post that it’s really upsetting for me when people do the tough love thing and i hope that if you’ve read this far into my over 1000 word post you’ll think long and hard before jumping down my throat with self righteous nonsense. it’s not that i dislike comments, in fact i do. but constructive ones or outright hateful ones. maybe don’t tell me i “do not deserve the gifts [i’ve] been given” (real quote) and instead just call me a c*nt so i can move on.

god this post is terrible.

i wish i didn’t sound so rude when i write stuff like this but it’s pretty hard to veil the intense anger and sadness i feel right now.

maybe unsubscribe from my blog if you didn’t like this one, more may be to come

i don’t know though, this was pretty cathartic

this one wont’ be cross posted

thank you to the strangers who have placed interest in me, i just passed 100 wordpress followers.