Well, Here We Go

I sent in my college application today.

I’m scared now. Not of my ability to be accepted (my SAT score warrants automatic admission) but of the college experience™. 

I’ve harped on about it many times that I don’t think college will be a good experience for me, but now it feels super real.

In my application, I said I wanted to major in Linguistics. I don’t know if that’s actually what I want to major in, but I had to select a major for the application. I think when I’m further in the college process I’m gonna talk to a counselor about double majoring in linguistics and music. Those are my two things so I think it would be best for me to not have to make that decision.

I’m really happy that I got the application in before the priority deadline. I wanna get all the administrative stuff out of the way as soon as possible so I can think about school as little as possible.

I’ve never been a person that liked school. I think the classes are always far too slow paced, I hate doing assignments (I love studying though), I am terrible at working in groups, I’ve always felt like a background character in my classmates lives, I’m pretty bad at approaching people and apparently I come across as cold so people are scared to approach me so I have a hard time making real life friends, I’m not a big fan of events, and I’m scared of authority.

So in other words I’m a good test taker.

I’m so lucky that I’m good at not succumbing to peer pressure. Almost all of my high school friends are already drinking and vaping and doing whatever else. I hope I don’t get into that stuff. I think I have a far too addictive personality if I tried stuff like alcohol or tobacco I’d probably get addicted.

I’m trying to make as much content as I can right now before I get ruined by the likely stress of college. I wanna make blogging and creation a seamless part of my life so that this wont fall by the wayside once I’m inundated by assignments and stuff.

I’m gonna focus on my Russian a little bit more before starting college because I’d like for my foreign language in school to be Russian and I think it’d be cool to test out of at least my first Russian course. I know I could easily test out of Korean but I wanna have a good reason to push myself in Russian anyway because I’ve been slacking. It kinda sucks how far behind I am in Russian because it was my first real foreign language other than Spanish (which I don’t count because where I live Spanish is kind of a prerequisite).

I hope I don’t live to regret this.

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It’s College Application Time

hmmm…

It’s another day where I don’t know what to write.

It’s raining outside.

Oh, you know what?

I’m starting my application to college soon. The deadline for the spring semester is October 15th so I’m gonna fill it out early just to get ahead.

*warning, family members don’t get mad at the upcoming content please*

I’m honestly not enthused about the idea of college (surprising, I know), but I don’t wanna disappoint anyone so I might as well plunge myself into debt to avoid stigma.

Right?

I hope that when I’m in college, I have a big break early on so I can have a good excuse to leave because I have a strong suspicion that it will be pure torture for me.

I know that people say you attract what you expect and stuff but I can’t think of any things about college that I would find enjoyable.

Maybe I’ll force myself to finish college so I can be one of those *ssholes that holds their degree over other people’s heads and acts as though spending thousands of dollars to get a title makes you better than anyone else. I think I’ll do that, honestly. I don’t think I wanna be called a college dropout.

Most of my high school friends are in college and honestly looking at their twitters strikes fear into my heart. All they do is complain about the price of textbooks and talk about smoking various substances in cars.

I think I’ll just come and go for classes and nothing else.

I better be successful in life because I don’t wanna die in debt.

Maybe I’ll just use my time in college to get pretty. That’s what everyone else seems to do. They become good-looking and develop addictions.

Is that too mean?

hmm… what else…

I don’t know what I wanna major in.

I want to go into music but I don’t believe I’m talented enough to be successful in music while I also wanna study linguistics because that seems like the easy route but I don’t wanna be a person that gave up on their dreams. ugh.

It makes you feel like a failure when you have friends who not only know what they wanna major in but have entire career paths planned. I know a girl who wants to be a gynecologist! I just want attention!

haha, what if I was the valedictorian?

That would be so awful. There are people who dream of college and stuff and someone like me usurps them. It would never happen because I’m stupid, but that’s a funny thing to imagine. The smart kids would murder me.

At my high school graduation, the valedictorian mispronounced compilation. Honestly that’s proof that school is just about playing the game, so none of those superlatives matter. sorry valedictorians.

OK, at this point I’m just being mean so I’ll end this post here.

new study plans

i’ve been slacking on my studying since i came back from virginia.

so i’ve decided that i should tell you all about my study plans of the rest of the summer so i can have some accountability.

  • i will study at least 20 minutes daily
  • i will vary the languages which i study by the day so i don’t stagnate in any language
  • i will speak along as i take notes to improve my speaking skills and pronunciation
  • i will do handwriting practice following each note taking session
  • i will review past lessons at least 4x per week
  • i will post my weekly study logs

so maybe if you want you could also discuss your study plans or follow mine and we can motivate each other.

yay! let’s all get smarter!

i’ve been on the verge of tears for 3 days straight. how about you?

i’m sick of not writing about how i feel out of a fear of a barrage of people i know in real life berating me so if you’re a person i know this post may not be for you.

i have felt like crying every waking moment for the past 3 days.

isn’t that wonderful?

it’s because i feel like the expectations placed on me are far too high and i’m also not receiving much of any support.

ever since i used my first big word as a child i’ve been labeled “gifted” and because of this i am expected to:

  • go to college
  • get large scholarships for college
  • do everything myself yet also ask for help when i need it
  • go into STEM (*vomit*)
  • have 15 “good reasons” before making any decision
  • make a lot of money and support my mother by a very young age
  • be willing to give up on doing things i enjoy yet also follow my dreams

i don’t feel that any of these expectations are unique to me but i do feel as though nobody i know expresses concern about them.

i guess i will.

college

i don’t wish to go

no shocker if you’ve read what is sadly my most popular post it was supposed to be a throw away post but whatever

i’m gonna because i feel that if i don’t i’ll be disowned but trust me

every. step. will. be. reluctant.

there has never been a time in my life where i have genuinely, in my heart wanted to go to college; only times when i was a better actor.

i have for years put on a happy face and made up plans about what i’ll do in college but never have they been something that sounds appealing to me.

i have literally contemplated suicide because of this yet people still seem an urge to do the “tough love” thing. it is my belief that tough love is gentle hate and it does absolutely nothing to motivate me and in fact makes me feel scared to express myself and to make decisions.

that’s why i haven’t really posted about this topic since i received an onslaught of very depressing comments from family members and friends of my mother even though it has been on the forefront of my mind.

 

scholarships

i’m good at tests and pretty much nothing else as far as school is concerned.

that’s why i got 2 AP scholar with distinction awards and placed in the 98th and 99th percentile for the SAT and ACT respectively yet i didn’t even place in the top 20% of my graduating class.

i don’t believe that they love low achievers who answer questions well. sadly they want someone well rounded nowadays and i am the opposite of that.

whatever, i’ll just deal with crippling debt

be independent but not too independent

i wish people would make up their minds on this one

as a barely social person i am a strong believer in “if you want something done right, do it yourself” but for some reason when i express this ideal i’m told i’m immature.

you know what’s immature?

contradicting yourself.

go into STEM

i have no interest.

“give me a good reason”

i tend to give a disclaimer before making any stance i have known because in my lived experience, people seem to react in a very horrified manner when i have emotions or opinions.

i have nobody to blame but myself for this one because for my whole life i’ve been scared to talk about feelings because i’m so shy. now after going through therapy and being constantly told to speak my mind it’s jarring for people who for the duration of knowing me didn’t know that i experience the full range of human emotions because i was scared they’ll yell at me for it.

well now they do yell at me for it so… hypothesis: correct.

but for some reason in spite of my instinctive disclaimers, it’s as if people don’t hear me give any reasoning for my decisions.

i think people just refuse to listen but whatever.

make a lot of money and support your mom

people say this right before telling me to do something that will almost inevitably put me into debt that will prevent me from supporting my mother but it’s me that’s contrarian.

give up but do what makes you happy

i don’t wanna be the bearer of bad news but going into political science will not make me happy.

you know what my sources of joy in this world are?

  • my pets
  • seeing that my abilities (language, flexibility, handwriting, etc) have improved
  • knowing that Jonghyun would want me to live
  • singing

that’s all that comes to mind and i meditated on that list for a solid 25 minutes

so if you want me to give up on my dream of singing, don’t pretend you care about my happiness

 

so now that i’ve spent over an hour typing out all of that, what do i do with these feelings?

well i’m gonna

  • go to college and not be happy about it
  • do everything myself because i’m the only one who can do thongs right for myself and also out of spite
  • try my best to sing for a living
  • never go into stem *shutters thinking about it*
  • only contemplate suicide but never go through with it because Jonghyun wouldn’t want that
  • have a good cry tonight probably, maybe a good yell at myself
  • cut some people out of my life
  • remind people that i’m going to college so they won’t lecture me about wasting my potential
  • maybe write more emotional posts like this because i’m sick of censoring myself so people don’t yell at me. i’ve given up so yell all you want

i just wanna make it known for like the 4th time in this post that it’s really upsetting for me when people do the tough love thing and i hope that if you’ve read this far into my over 1000 word post you’ll think long and hard before jumping down my throat with self righteous nonsense. it’s not that i dislike comments, in fact i do. but constructive ones or outright hateful ones. maybe don’t tell me i “do not deserve the gifts [i’ve] been given” (real quote) and instead just call me a c*nt so i can move on.

god this post is terrible.

i wish i didn’t sound so rude when i write stuff like this but it’s pretty hard to veil the intense anger and sadness i feel right now.

maybe unsubscribe from my blog if you didn’t like this one, more may be to come

i don’t know though, this was pretty cathartic

this one wont’ be cross posted

thank you to the strangers who have placed interest in me, i just passed 100 wordpress followers.

AP exam scores!

i got my scores today!!!!!!!

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i’m so happy!

i was worried i would fail one and lose my high average but i passed all 4!!!!!!!!!!

not bad for a girl who missed more than 6 months of school.

even though i wish i made a higher score on the macroeconomics exam, a 3 is pretty great since i missed literally the whole class.

i can’t even say much more because i’m just so happy.

shoutout to my review booklets!

guess i gotta talk about graduation

i graduated yesterday.

i’ll just give a recap of yesterday so we can get to the pictures faster.

i woke up at about 8 AM and started getting ready for the ceremony at around 9 AM. i arrived at the school at 11 AM and we kind of just sat there until 12 when they bussed us to the venue. we ran the ceremony for some select students and then waited for a while longer.

the ceremony started at 2:30 PM and it was a graduation… not particularly interesting.

i was released at like 4:15 PM

now here’s a few carefully curated pictures (group photos and unedited photos omitted)

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me in the ceremonial blue sack
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my outfit that was obscured by the aforementioned blue sack
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my makeup

since i have a captive audience i wanna make observations so here’s a bulleted list of what i noticed and my opinions

  • they should really reconsider the cobalt blue polyester sack look at my school. i recommend they: make the gown black, shorten the gown, make the gown white, let us belt it, invest in a more breatheable fabric, and/or allow gown modifications (i.e enamel pins, tailoring, patches, tiedye, whatever)
  • the valedictorian mispronounced the word “compilation” during her speech and i lost a bit (a lot) of hope
  • one of the kids i sat near smelled like weed again
  • i will never understand why the ceremony has a very patriotic overtone
  • a lot of people graduated in jeans, that’s a power move
  • there should be alternative cap styles for people with natural hair so that they don’t have to ruin their hair just to stick a cardboard square on their head
  • somebody needs to make a diagram of how the cap should be worn because some people had the point in between their eyebrows and others had it sitting on their crown and nobody knew what was right
  • kids shouldn’t get punished for dancing on stage when they get their diploma. they’re just happy and/or this may be the only way for them to get attention and as an attention whore i support anyone getting attention in non-harmful ways
  • there was only 1 photo taken per person by the professional photographers and i think that’s a disaster waiting to happen
  • we should be allowed to get cords and stoles even if we aren’t NHS members because some of us (me) were qualified to receive cords but can’t wear or accept them since we decided to not buy into national honors society

graduation’s coming up

pretty excited to be done with this hellhole.

i’m graduating on saturday and i’ll finally be able to unclench my muscles. i’ve been having quite a bit of drama because of a hard time getting work from teachers but now it’s confirmed i’m graduating so now i get to have a few weeks of enjoying myself and then i get to be catapulted into a different torture chamber.

since i’m leaving high school so soon i’ve decided to tell my audience about something about me.

 

i don’t want to go to college.

i’ve never wanted to and despite being told that it’ll be a great time and other lies, i still don’t have any semblance of desire to go to college.

i’m not happy that i’ll be getting forced into thousands of dollars of debt to have a bad time but whatever i guess that’s what i deserve for overachieving in elementary school. should’ve thought it through before putting in the bare minimum of effort in 5th grade and accepting the offer to be in the gifted and talented program because now everyone in my life thinks i have any interest at all in academic endeavors.

of all the things that mortify me about college, the one that gets to me the most is the fact that i’m gonna be forced to be around even more pseudointellectual assholes. which is why i’ve made a resolution for my time in college: i won’t talk to anyone unless i have to. i wont try to make friends, i won’t try to help anyone, i won’t answer questions, i will be silent unless it is absolutely necessary to talk to the people i’ll be forced to be around.

i’m gonna go to class, do my work, do whatever meager job i get in college, and work on my blog and THAT’S IT.

don’t try to convince me i’ll like college because everything i’ve been told i’ll like for the past 17 years has been absolute garbage with the exception of watching little shop of horrors when i was 10. i’ve spoken it into existence so now if you are going to be a classmate of mine in college, please take heed and don’t try to talk to me because i don’t want to talk to you.

 

here’s a terrible webcam picture of me and peanut:

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