Last Entry of 2018

Hi everyone!

I’ve been out and about from sunrise to sunset for the past few days so I haven’t taken the time to write out a blog entry, but my mom and I are waiting for a dinner reservation right now so I figured I’d write.

I really don’t like sentimental mumbo jumbo, so this probably won’t be some grand reflection on the year. I just wanna write out my thoughts.

I’m so happy to be where I am. I tend to not enjoy most things celebrational because I tend to have pretty unexceptional celebrations. But I’m at disney world right now!!

I’m 100% the type of person to make new years resolutions (which I already wrote out in october because duh), and I just thought of a new one.

I want to celebrate stuff next year.

This whole year I haven’t done anything to celebrate anything other than blog posts. I didn’t have a birthday party, I took a nap after my graduation ceremony.

Yeah, I think I want to get excited about stuff in 2019.

So there.

That’s my last entry of 2018.

Let’s end this with what- in my opinion- is the best photo of me this year.

I don’t think I ever posted this on here
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Bloggers Block and Ira Glass

I feel like it would be a little pretentious of me to say I have writers block since I’m such a casual personal blogger, but I have something that feels like how I imagine writers block feels.

It’s not like I don’t have ideas or concepts in mind, I just don’t feel like right now is the time to execute them so I have a bunch of half written posts in my WordPress drafts. I also am not trying to come up with narratives like a novelist.

I’ll call it bloggers block.

I feel like I really need to get back to my former work ethic before Mel died because I was really seeing rapid growth and improvement in my blog. I loved how it felt to see myself being rewarded for my efforts.

I think I’m gonna try to post every day in September.

I bet I’ll probably end up breaking this goal on like… the 1st but I really think it would be a good idea.

There’s this speech by Ira Glass from This American Life about how if you wanna do something you, should do it all the time. I hear a lot of people talk about it and quote it and if you know me you’ll know that I’m impervious to quotes but as a person who obsessively does things daily out of the belief that at some point I’ll be good at something, I might as well blog daily. Blogging is already in my habit tracker so I might as well further incentivize myself.

I’ve set a goal for monthly views for September and I’ve begun a list of post ideas so that I can have consistent posts and something to work towards.

I’ll be trying to keep a good balance of personal (whiny) posts and informative/lifestyle posts like I did in the past.

So… yeah.

If you wanna see more posts (hopefully daily) please subscribe to or follow my blog!

Guilty About My Thoughts

Do you ever think something and then immediately feel like a bad person?

I do that at least 7 times a day.

I don’t know if this is a universal experience or if this is caused by my focus on being a “good, righteous person” but it causes me a lot of distress.

For example, I like to believe that I’m a very body positive person and honestly when I look at most people I see beauty, but I don’t offer myself the same luxury. I’ll think to myself “nobody will ever romantically love you because of your looks”, “your body is disgusting”, “you need surgery or else you’ll never be liked” and almost immediately after having thoughts like this a second thought crosses my mind.

“You’re a hypocrite”

“You don’t really care about others”

“Nobody will ever love you because you’re so negative”

These thoughts also have a second road to go down where my retaliation will be more along the lines of:

“You care too much about what others think”

“You should be independent and have an idgaf attitude like other people your age”

I think the second line of thought is less hurtful for me because honestly, I believe that there’s nothing wrong with being concerned about what others think. I think that it shows that you care and is a very good motivator (for me) to improve. I also believe that the common carefree attitude that a lot of people my age have is very unattractive and makes them seem like *ssholes.

I just often feel like an immoral person because I think degrading thoughts about myself and others. It makes me feel like I’m in solitary confinement in this flesh prison I’ve been cursed with.

I feel like it would be a very bad idea to air ut most of the thoughts I have but I’ll give another example that’s more me-centric so I don’t make myself seem like a complete c*nt.

I’ll sometimes see couples in which a woman in the relationship looks nothing like me. This makes me completely seethe. I feel so guilty about it because I know I should be happy for others, but it just makes me feel like nobody likes girls who look like me when I see people in happy relationships who share no physical traits with me.

Before you leave a comment along the lines of telling me I’m pretty or telling me personality matters more, I’d like to finish talking.

When I have these envious mean thoughts, I always try to make myself feel validated with the thoughts about my personality (which I believe is great) or I try to convince myself that I am not the ugliest human to ever live (very hard to do), but I manage to logic my way out of that every time. When I try to convince myself of the importance of personality, I very quickly remind myself of the tons upon tons of people who are in fact superficial. I know I shouldn’t desire these people either, but here comes another way to make myself feel bad. I tell myself that everyone is superficial. Now I’m backed into a corner and what happens next? ED urges. When I try to convince myself that I possess even a modicum of good looks, I do something that also makes me feel like a bad person: I look at people I think are ugly. I know I shouldn’t be judging peoples looks but I do it. Sadly when I look at people I find ugly, all I notice are similarities to myself. So that makes me feel awful too.

ugh

I wish I felt desirable ever but I genuinely never do. I think a small amount of outside validation from people I have feelings for would genuinely help me and… guess what… that makes me feel awful too.

I feel codependent, I feel attention seeking, I feel like I don’t receive validation for a reason (my looks).

I just wish I could find a solution to this.

Whatever, I just suck.

I want my little guy back.

I’m not in a good place right now.

I’m so, so crushed by Marshmallow’s death so I’ve resigned myself to just studying for as long as I can so I don’t have to think about anything but words.

I can’t even come within like 6 feet of Mel’s hutch because I get nauseous and start shaking when I see his half eaten bags of treats and his half full water bottle.

I’ve been writing half page diary entries recently because I just have so much to say but I don’t wanna say it on here so I haven’t posted and then that makes me feel like a failure because I really take pride in keeping up with my blog.

It feels like everything in life is a catch 22.

My chihuahuas know there’s something wrong with me so they won’t leave my side. It’s so nice to see how much animals can sense my intentions. Mel could always tell I was looking out for him. He only ever bit me once and it was because he missed a dried cranberry I was feeding him.

He was such a tough little dude and it feels awful to know just how fragile he was.

I’ve been drawing more because I can’t get Mel off of my mind, so I’ve been drawing portraits of him.

I hate that my last memory of him is crying over his blanketed body on the floor. I wish my last memory could’ve been me comforting him as he drifts off but instead his last moments were consumed with terror.

I feel so god awful.

I feel so guilty.

I’ve stopped crying every other hour like I did for the past few days and so far I’ve only cried once today.

I can’t wait until I feel the resolve inside myself to go back to normal but right now I’m just ruined.

I’ve been playing BTS in the background of my day today. I never felt a strong connection to Spring Day by BTS but now when hear it I think of Mel. I guess it’s nice to feel a connection.

I don’t know how to end this post.

I don’t know anything right now.

a second post

This is another post where I’m just gonna ramble until I reach I stopping point.

I got a job yesterday! I’m not gonna reveal a ton of detail because I don’t want to reveal too much about my real life and I don’t want any harm to come to my job but I’m so excited!

Today’s my mom’s birthday too so I should probably say happy birthday to her here so…

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!

 

I wanna start a travelers notebook so today I began my TN journey because at the craft store, TN inserts were $1.99 for 2! That’s so cheap!!!!

In my  travelers notebook I plan to have a sketchbook, notes, and distilled language notes so I can always have what I need. I really wanna improve my drawing skills so I think a sketchbook in the TN would help me be motivated to work on improving.

Hmm… what else to talk about…

oh, I don’t know if I talked about this before but I filled up my old bullet journal and I started a new one. I’ve decided that this bullet journal will be more artistic and more freeform rather than my boxy methodical style in my last bullet journal.

I changed up my habit tracker a little as well, adding a few new habits (network, wake up before 7:00) and now I fill in the boxes with diagonal lines rather than flat color.

I think today I should focus hard on studying so that I can be sure I’ve gotten in my time before I start my job. So excited!

 

a post

i’m just gonna ramble for a while and hopefully it’ll be interesting.

right now samoa and posh are fighting in the middle of the living room and about every 5 minutes i have to get up to get him to stop humping her. can’t wait to get him fixed.

marshmallow has really calmed down since getting fixed and hasn’t humped the cat even once since his procedure. he’s such a good dude. you wanna see a picture of me and marshmallow? here’s one:

img_8328
i don’t know why i flared my nostrils in this picture

i just love all of my pets so much!!!!!

i wish everyone had the luxury of loving other beings the way i love my pets. it’s really special and it’s not a feeling i get from anyone else.

you know what’s a weird trend? adding the suffix -core to everything. i love angelcore aesthetics but i think we’re going too far with the core thing. there’s honeycore, lovecore, gardencore, cottagecore, etc etc. it’s really a big thing on tumblr (btw follow my tumblr).

i guess there’s a lot o weird trends though. i particularly dislike the in my feelings challenge just because it’s really an oversaturated market at this point and i think people are trying to keep it a thing even though it should be fading. all though that’s kinda what i’m doing right now by talking about it.

samoa and posh walk like humans on all fours and it’s sometimes a little unsettling. sorry just had to interject that in.

oh god, my birthday’s in 2 days!

that’s terrifying!

you guys won’t leave me as i age right?

yeah, you won’t.

hmm, what else to say…

i got a new wallpaper on my phone today! it’s my melody! she’s my favorite sanrio character.

sometimes i just wish i could buy the whole stationary section on the sanrio website.

today i didn’t eat a “real lunch” i just ate a bunch of hummus with pretzels but it’s ok i plan on eating”real dinner” tonight.

the hummus memes twitter account is my favorite one.

it feels like i talk about twitter a lot on her doesn’t it?

it’s because a lot happens on there, ya know?

my favorite thing to do on twitter is look up people and then a random year and read their old tweets haha. they’re always so terrible!

so.. i don’t know how to end this post…

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sad for no reason

i’m an emotional wreck right now.

i just feel so sad and i feel that pain you get when you regret something but i don’t regret anything that i know of.

maybe i’ll brainstorm and try to find a reason i’m so sad.

  • my pets are getting old
  • i think about death too much
  • i feel like i’m relapsing a little
  • i don’t feel accomplished enough for an 18 year old (4 days left of being 17)
  • there are so many things i want but i don’t know how to get them
  • i’m on my p*riod
  • i made the mistake of not closing my dms on tumblr and now i get a bunch of creepy messages (i closed them now so don’t try to message me)
  • i feel like i’ve literally done nothing today
  • i haven’t meditated in about 5 days

yeah… maybe it’s one of, some of, or all of those reasons.