on break

I’m blogging at work right now so this post probably won’t be my best work but whatever.

You know how I told you about that girl that used to work at my store who came in and made a scene?

She came in again today…

uuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUGH

Did she not get the hint?

But luckily she was only in the store for like 40 minutes this time and she didn’t take it upon herself to tell us how to run the store.

So on a less annoying note- well actually this annoys me too- I did my paperwork for student loans and such the other day. I’m preparing for my orientation which is in a little over a week.

Not super enthusiastic.

But what’s new?

Here’s a question:

Am I getting boring?

It feels like for the past months and a half my blog posts have been really low effort and pretty un-captivating.

I remember my September posts were so good! I want to write like that again!

I think that’s what I’m gonna really focus on for a while: making good content.

I seem to make these types of goals like 3 times a week though so who knows.

I’m gonna go now so i can do other stuff on my break.

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oh no

I’m going to college.

Damn it.

None of this stuff felt final until today.

I’m so, so painfully terrified.

For much of my life I’ve never really thought about my future in too straight forward of terms because honestly, I thought I’d kill myself before anything important is meant to happen. Now I’m at a mental state where suicide isn’t a frequent thought, so everything seems very important.

Now I care about things like my credit score and the prospect of having children, and I’m freaking the hell out.

In the semester I’ve taken off before I eventually enter college in January, I’ve felt a combination of weight lifted off of my shoulders and a deep sense of impending doom.

The weight lifted from my shoulders is mainly caused by:

  • fewer negative social interactions
  • a lower incidence of me being in competitive situations
  • forcing myself to imagine a future in which I’m happy (a very hard task)
  • taking better care of myself (because I have the time to)

The impending sense of doom arises because:

  • It feels like I’m gonna have to go to college if I don’t want to disappoint everyone in my life.
  • I don’t want to go to college even the slightest bit.
  • I’m very good at creating apocalypse like scenarios in my mind.
  • I feel like I’m a decade behind where I should be in life by now.
  • I feel as though all passion I have for the things in life I enjoy is lessening by the day.

So where does that leave me?

Crying at my desk while typing out a blog post that’s gonna make my family mad.

It feels like it’s not safe for me to tell anyone how I feel because everyone dismisses my feelings whenever I talk about them so I’m left yelling into the void.

I should have never applied to college.

I know I won’t be able to handle being labeled a college drop out so I’m gonna have to finish this and that’s gonna leave me more than 50,000 dollars in debt most likely.

It feels like I spend more than 3 hours a day fantasizing about a hypothetical future where I’m happy and every day it feels less and less likely that that future will never come.

I have such big dreams and they’re never gonna come true.

It feels so crushing to see my future self as a failure when it really shouldn’t because I’ve failed at everything I’ve tried so far in life, so it probably wont be a new feeling.

ugh.

I’m not talented enough to make anything of myself in entertainment, I’m not smart enough to do smart people stuff, I’m not subservient enough to do office type work, I’m not pretty enough to get a sugar daddy, I’m not friendly enough to have a rich friend.

I can’t do anything so why try?

And you know what sucks the most?

The responses to this that I envision getting.

Whatever, if you can’t handle me venting about how my dreams are in shambles, you probably won’t be able to watch me fail as bad as I inevitably will.

I feel guilty about feeling as terrible as I do because things could be worse. I could be starving, I could be locked in a basement, I could’ve been murdered when I was 14. But that doesn’t change how I feel.

And how I feel is awful.

I’ll probably end up writing something similar to this for the next few blog posts so I’ll end this one here.

Thanks for reading.

Sorry I’m a downer.

discouraged: intro to the week of vapidity

i don’t feel comfortable writing personal posts right now because of the backlash i’ve received for my last post. i think with my current mental state (sad, slightly suicidal, terrified of the future) i shouldn’t post anything to encourage the people in my life to respond negatively.

so i’m declaring this upcoming week the week of vapidity.

i won’t be posting any personal thoughts, opinions, or feelings on this platform so as to prevent negative comments, arguments, and preaching in response to my posts.

look forward to:

  • OOTDs
  • talking about animals
  • selfies
  • discussion of boy bands
  • no actual emotional substance

if you want anything of substance maybe avoid my blog for a while.

if you are actually interested in my life, too bad. i guess you’ll have to wait until everyone can realize that self aggrandizement is not encouraged on my blog.

while i’m here i’m going to thank my mom again for buying me my domain. thanks mom, i love you.

have a nice day.

not excited about tomorrow

tomorrow i have a lot to do but i’ve already been exhausted by the past 2 days. 

yesterday i took my AP biology exam and it went worse than expected. the multiple choice was easy as always but when i did the free response section i counted the number of questions wrong and thought that i only had to answer 6 questions so i timed myself to write 6 answers but in actuality there were 8 questions to answer so i had to answer the last 2 in only 4 minutes. i fully answered the 7th question but i was only able to write 1 sentence of the 8th questions answer. i hope my multiple choice score was high enough to counteract that gigantic blunder.

ever since my failing yesterday i’ve been feeling really upset and annoyed by everything because it feels like i make so many mistakes. 

(╯︵╰,)

 

tomorrow i have 3 major things to do. i have to:

  • meet with my economics teacher to try to get my grades in his glass high enough for me to have a complete transcript
  • take my AP macroeconomics exam
  • perform in my spring choir concert

all of this ( alongside normal daily activity) i have to do while feeling awfully upset at myself and exhausted by the world.

i’ll update you once tomorrows main events are over.

p.s did you notice the center alignment? 

do you like it?

here’s a picture i took during a break in theatre the other day

IMG_7447.jpg

feeling numb

after crying on and off all day yesterday i cant feel anything. i just want her back so bad. i wanna pet her and hug her and take just a few more pictures of her. i miss having her scratch at my door in the middle of the night and i miss her jumping onto my bathroom counter while i’m trying to wash my face even though those things used to annoy me. i just wish this didn’t happen. i wish life was fair.

 

London

my beautiful grey kitty london died today at about noon. im inconsolable so i need to vent or whatever this post is. as i write this im crying and waiting to get her cremated. im gonna tell you all about her:

  • i got her when i was 5 and i dont have any memories where she wasnt in my life.
  • she and her sister always fought
  • shes so pretty with soft grey hair and shiny green eyes
  • when she slept in my bed she would sleep right near my head
  • she was the floppiest cat ive ever held
  • she loved water as long as she wasnt being bathed; she loved playing in faucets, getting in the shower right after id gotten out, and occasionally playing in the toilet
  • she rarely meowed
  • she loved to hide inside paper bags
  • whenever i’d reach to pet her she’d lean into my hand

i truly believe she loved me. im so sad i dont have a lot of pictures of her but here are a few of them

she was so affectionate, her and her sister are truly the perfect cats for me and i hope i get to see london again in some way

graduating from treatment today

this is gonna be a short post since ill be writing about actually graduating later today.

im very excited. i kinda wanna cry because im not sure if im ready to return to the “real world.”

today i plan on looking cute so im wearing my black turtleneck, black heeled jellies and my lavender wide leg pants (for the 4walls effect) and a decent face of makeup.

im sad that my friends are in school so i cant invite them to my graduation ceremony but ill be fine because my moms gonna be there and thats what matters most.