February

Well…

I quit my job.

I actually quit back on the 18th, but I had to wait for my 2 weeks to finish off before I felt comfortable doing this.

I have a handful of reasons as to why I quit, but basically I didn’t feel I was being paid enough for the amount of responsibility I was given and the prospect of a raise was not in sight among other things.

I’m gonna take some time to be a full time student while I adjust to college life and I’m quite enthused about it. I feel like when I was working at my former job, my growth as a person was being stunted.

I felt like I didn’t have anywhere to be fully expressive for fear of a coworker being upset by me (even though I don’t say anything about them) or that I literally didn’t have time.

Since I put in my 2 weeks notice, I’ve been adjusting my inner clock to times where I’m most productive. I’m my best from about 8:00 to 11:00 in the morning, so staying up until like midnight every night because I had to eat dinner, do my skincare, and generally do the things I can’t do during the day was making me feel like garbage.

I’ve also found that with the shorter class times and fewer work hours, college isn’t quite as awful as high school academically speaking. Socially speaking I’m still in purgatory, but what’s new about that?

If you’ve been around since the summer, you may remember when I would take a walk every morning. I think I’m gonna do that again. I quite enjoyed the time outdoors and the motion, so I think that’ll be enriching.

I think telling the world all of my plans may hinder my ability to actually reach my goals, so I won’t be publicizing all the moves I have planned, but I have some hopes.

I’d like to post every day on here like I did in September, try to get back into photography, hopefully study more (I’ve stagnated), and just generally get back to my productivity level of the past.

Yeah, not much else to say.

Thanks for reading!

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It’s Good To Write When Your Mind Is A Catastrophe

I’m not feeling astounding at the moment.

I’m still super nauseous. I’m emotionally shaky. I’m tired.

It is important, however, to keep up with my blog. This domain name costs money, after all.

I have a big change happening in my life that I’m not sure I can tell you all about, but it’s weighing on me heavily. I hate that. I hate keeping secrets. I get real, tangible joy from telling strangers about my problems, but my current issue is a sensitive one. Once things are settled I’ll tell you every detail and trust me, it’ll be worth the wait.

Have you ever been on the verge of vomiting but it’s not quite urgent yet and it’s also not just nausea? That’s where I am. I am for sure gonna vomit in the very near future but the time isn’t upon us.

I think I need to vent about an issue I have that is most likely indicative of a larger issue.

I think my job is out to get me.

I’ve been having some trouble with work and my inner monologue about it has transitioned into paranoia.

Ok, who am I kidding, this paranoia has existed since I got hired.

I’m afraid to do things as simple as post a photo on my instagram for fear that my boss or a coworker could see and think “why are you taking photos and not working?” Even on days that I work and days that I was just scheduled off.

I feel a pressure that I should always be on the clock.

I think I’m gonna try to just do things without fear of backlash from my work, but it’s hard to do that when for my whole life I’ve felt like I need to make everything my livelihood.

I just hate upsetting people.

My thoughts of work taking over my life have reached an extreme nowadays.

I’m scared someone’s gonna turn up at my door mad. I’m afraid I’m being listened to. I’m scared someone may try to fight me.

I have a tendency to catastrophize about everything, but honestly I can’t logic my way out of this one.

I’m just gonna wait this one out I suppose.

Just took a vomit break, where was I?

Oh yeah, work related anxiety.

I’m just so freaked out I don’t know what to do.

I’m gonna lay down now. sorry.

Closing the Store

It feels like every time I write an entry, I’m just pulling stuff out of my *ss.

That’s what I’m doing today too.

So…

I just reached the 1/3 mark in my korean textbook!

I really really like my textbook. Most of my study has been using online resources, but I think having a physical textbook in front of me is really helpful. I think it really helps me to focus because I can’t get notifications on a paper, you know?

I’ve gotta figure out which language I want to take as my foreign language in college. I’ve narrowed down to Mandarin, Russian, or Korean. I think I’m leaning most toward Russian because I generally have the toughest time studying Russian on my own and it’s the language I notice the least progression in with my self-study. I think I could test out of at least beginner Korean and get that credit.

My orientation is in a week and a half and I’m freaking out!!

I’m really worried I’ll panic and burst into tears in the middle of scheduling my classes or something.

*very audible sigh*

I’ve gotta start getting ready for work soon. I’m working another 9 (technically 8) hour shift today. I wish I would get scheduled to open the store more often instead of closing the store pretty much every time I work. I always end up staying up late when I close.

Oh, gosh. I just noticed the time. I’m gonna end this post now. Bye!

Thanks for reading!

on break

I’m blogging at work right now so this post probably won’t be my best work but whatever.

You know how I told you about that girl that used to work at my store who came in and made a scene?

She came in again today…

uuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUGH

Did she not get the hint?

But luckily she was only in the store for like 40 minutes this time and she didn’t take it upon herself to tell us how to run the store.

So on a less annoying note- well actually this annoys me too- I did my paperwork for student loans and such the other day. I’m preparing for my orientation which is in a little over a week.

Not super enthusiastic.

But what’s new?

Here’s a question:

Am I getting boring?

It feels like for the past months and a half my blog posts have been really low effort and pretty un-captivating.

I remember my September posts were so good! I want to write like that again!

I think that’s what I’m gonna really focus on for a while: making good content.

I seem to make these types of goals like 3 times a week though so who knows.

I’m gonna go now so i can do other stuff on my break.

BKchat, tumblr, and incels

I have no idea where this post is gonna go, but I’m going to write anyway. I think I’m gonna write one paragraph about whatever comes to mind until I feel satisfied.

I just got off work, which is super great. I strongly prefer the days when I work early and leave early over days where I show up later and close the store.

Yesterday I took a lot of photos. I photographed Posh and Samoa, Maddie, and myself. I’m still in the process of editing them though, so you guys will see them some time in the near future.

Recently I’ve really enjoyed a show called bkchat london. I often saw people on twitter talk about stuff the people on bkchat said and I never felt particularly compelled to spend like an hour listening to people debate about relatively simple (in my eyes) subjects. But I watched an episode the other day and realized the show is actually pretty interesting (although I wish the cast wouldn’t yell over each other every 25 seconds). It’s interesting to hear people who have views that I’d never even thought people had.

We got Marshmallows ashes yesterday. It’s weird, I thought I was pretty well recovered, but I guess I’m not. The second I took out the urn, I started sobbing. I just feel really  bad. I miss him a lot.

I’m still figuring out college stuff. I have to do financial aid online paperwork stuff… Not enthused.

Have y’all heard about how tumblr is banning adult content? I’m worried they may start hunting down anyone who posts anything nsfw (i.e discussions of sexual assault). When the news came out, a lot of people started passing around an article about how a lot of women discover and prefer viewing p*rn on tumblr. I think it’s odd that people have taken this information and used it as a gotcha to tumblr that they shouldn’t ban adult content so women can watch p*rn. I don’t wanna sound like a prude but… If tumblr has to ban all adult content so that there won’t be as big of a child p*rnography problem, I value the safety of children 5000 times more than the feelings of women who use tumblr to get off.

Have you guys also heard about all the incel dudes reporting s*x workers with premium snapchats to the IRS? That’s so odd to me. I don’t want to entirely reveal my stance because I don’t want people to say “oh so you have s*x workers?” because that’s what I’ve seen a lot of super liberal feminists say when anyone offers the slightest bit of criticism toward the s*x industry. What I will say is that I’m not particularly fond of the majority of the s*x industry, but just because you may think “p*rn is bad” or that you’re bitter about pretty women not talking to you, you don’t need to try to ruin people’s lives. ugh.

This post really meanders, doesn’t it?

Tomorrow I have a psychiatrist appointment. I’m excited to get out. It’ feels like for the past month I’ve gone to work, come home, and maybe if I’m feeling wild I’ll go to the grocery store. I wouldn’t say I’m a homebody or a person who needs to constantly be out and about, but I really do enjoy the occasional outing.

ok. I’m gonna go now, I need to study.

Thanks for reading.

Welcome to December

It’s December 1st!

December’s one of my favorite months and I’m very excited about winter.

I’m gonna pretty much verbally process this upcoming month for the duration of this entry.

today

I had a very specific plan set out for today when I woke up… Today did not go according to plan.

I had to go to work today even though I wasn’t scheduled because I had to call in the other day and I needed to make up my hours. I expected to work for 2 hours and then come home and really focus on studying, but another girl called in so I ended up working about 5 hours so nobody else would be screwed over.

I’m hoping to get in a good study session after I’m done writing, though.

#1 goal for December

I feel like in November, for the majority of the month I wasn’t juggling life well (as shown by my lack of blog posts). I’ve pretty much stagnated in language study, I’ve been sleeping really irregularly, and I’ve kinda taken my eye off of the prize.

For December, I’m hoping to be a bit more balanced in my lifestyle.

For about the past week I’ve gotten a little bit closer to my “normal”. I’ve been stretching more, I’ve studied more, I’ve slept earlier, and at least I’ve blogged some.

During December I’m gonna try to will myself into doing stuff even when I feel no motivation. Let’s see how that goes.

other December goals

  • get ready for college (orientation and stuff…)
  • save $200
  • post at least 25 blog entries
  • get back into taking pictures
  • post said pictures on instagram
  • drivers ed (eek)
  • write in my diary at least 4 times per week
  • fill out my habit tracker at the end of every day

 

hyping myself up

I just got sent my work schedule for this upcoming week.

It’s not too brutal. I do have more days closing the store than I prefer, but whatever. I’m hoping to not have anything derail me for this week/month, so wish me luck.

I don’t really have much else to say so…

Thank you for reading!

How (a Very Small Number of) Black Women Treat Me and How I Feel About It

Can I process something?

I don’t really know where this is gonna go but I have had something on my mind for the past few days.

I’m terrified, however, of being dragged by the bangs across the internet so I’m gonna try to dance around this topic in as gentle of a way as is possible.

So, at the store I work at probably about 60% of the customers are black women.

Most of my coworkers are also black women.

I’ve spoken on my blog before about my exploration of my racial identity and my odd attempts to reconcile my feelings on my place in the “black community”.

I often find that certain customers will raise their voices at me, look on at me with a face of disdain, and will order me around with no regards for even the simplest of formalities. These same customers upon interacting with my “blacker” coworkers will beam with joy and appear to have spontaneously developed manners.

I would be remiss to not mention that this disparity in manners works the other way around as well; often white and east asian customers will be quite a bit quicker to say please and thank you to me than my more prominently black coworkers.

My blog is about me though so I’m gonna complain about my situation specifically.

When I was a child up until even high school I was often called uppity

I get that. 

I use words like “disparity” casually and really don’t code switch between a formal speech pattern and a casual speech one. I can seem like I’m doing an impression of Ophelia from Hamlet at times. It is totally rational to think that I’m a self aggrandizing narcissist who went to see too many plays (not entirely inaccurate).

I think it’s quite funny, however, that often the people who call me uppity, bougie, or rich girl are in far better financial positions than me.

When I was a child I remember a girl would call me bougie and push my glasses into my face. That girl, upon leaving school for the day, would return home to a mother who is a doctor and a father who is a lawyer. 

Oftentimes in my childhood I would be mocked for being a rich kid by kids wearing Jordans as I padded through life in payless moccasins.

I think it’s rational to draw a comparison between my childhood bullying and the hostility I am met with now. 

I think I’m gonna sound like a whiny lightskin here, but especially in high school the word uppity would be accompanied by the term lightskin.

Just saying there’s probably an association there.

I really don’t think it’s a coincidence that people are hostile toward me upon simply observing me. I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that the same thing happens to my darker skinned coworkers. It’s probably not a coincidence as well that the rude women I deal with have a similar complexion to my childhood bullies. And I really don’t believe that the customers in the store don’t know that I make barely over minimum wage.

I think it’s important to not develop blanket hostility toward a group because of specific instances of less than satisfactory experiences. It’s pretty tough to do that though.

I’m a pretty sensitive person. When customers raise their voices at me I’m often on the verge of tears by the time they’ve gotten in their car to leave the store. I get that it’s really easy to tell people to toughen up. I think it would be a better use of resources to tell people to not be *ssholes though.

I don’t have a solution to any of this.

I don’t even have a satisfying conclusion to draw from this.

I notice that my coworkers are better at dealing with terrible customers than I am (at least on the surface).

I think that can be attributed to all sorts of things. They could just not be sensitive like me. They could be more experienced with dealing with mean people. They could be hardened by living harder lives than me.

I’m gonna pull out my hypothesis for why I think stuff like this really gets to me though.

I think as a person who deviates in the ways that I do, you often feel like people with more concrete traits have a community while you don’t. I feel sometimes that people lay on a spectrum and when you have a definite space on the spectrum you’re more likely to sit in the same space as others. I feel like i swing on a rope over the spectrum wearing nothing but a wizard hat and gogo boots. It’s an uncomfortable feeling. The boots are too small.

So…

I don’t have much to say.

I wrote a post very similar to this yesterday. It was 3000 words long and really great and I don’t like this one even half as much.

Thanks for reading though.